


The Best of the Three Of Us

by The_Insanely_insecure_Jared_Kleinman



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Connor Lives, Evan still pretends to be Connors friend, M/M, Michael Mell/ Connor Murphy, Minor Sexual Content, Mostly just Connor going through his senior year, Multi, Near Death Experiences, Panic Attacks, Slow Burn, Suicide Attempt, because it wouldn't be a deh fic without that, but not long enough to actually tag it, everybodys favorite au, for now thats only Connors fault, ill add tags as i go, im serious about the slow burn, more than one suicide attempt, pinning trio of best friends, slow healing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-16
Updated: 2018-05-24
Packaged: 2019-01-18 09:06:22
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 36
Words: 114,061
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12385116
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/The_Insanely_insecure_Jared_Kleinman/pseuds/The_Insanely_insecure_Jared_Kleinman
Summary: Connor never expected to make it past the first day of Senior year so he takes everything that happens that happens afterward with a spoonful of sugar because somethings are better than being dead.





	1. Friends Play Pretend

**Author's Note:**

> I'm going to start this off with apologizing because I know the updating schedule is going to be hectic. I'm using this story as a warm up to a novel I'm working on so there may be times where a post one right after the other, and then disappear for the week after. But I am super proud of how this story has turned out so far. I don't plan on giving it a definite end, more like I'll just keep writing until I've run out of ideas (or this fandoms dies or somthn) But I have the whole plot line out into their thirties. This is basically just a life story of the boys, full of fluff and pining and yada-yada.

POVE

* * *

 

It was a normal a day as it could get; nothing seemed out of place which is usually how life damaging days seem to start out as. Evan stood next to Jared as he loaded books into his locker like he did every morning. It was a fifty-fifty chance that Connor would actually come to school only to pass Kleinmans locker as fast as he could to avoid Jared's shouted harassments. Today was one of the days he didn’t show, and neither of them thought twice about it. It was completely normal. He had shown up for the first day, and that had been a normal day twisting into one that made Evan regret even opening his mouth (although that still sounded like a normal day). Why would he show up the second?

Evan mulls it over in first period. He wished he had shown up. Evan had spent all last night mustering the courage to ask for his note back, maybe even explain himself better this time. He considered telling him the truth; 'having to write therapy letters' wouldn’t be the best alternative to ‘letters to make Connor freak out’, but he wasn’t after Connors pride like Jared was. He wasn’t like Jared and he wanted _someone_ to know that.

He resigns himself to staring at the messy handwriting on his cast in second period. He had purposely kept it hidden from Jared. He was saving his courage for when he actually did see Connor. Maybe he’ll ask what he meant by ‘now we can both pretend we have friends’. He know he wouldn’t dare ask, but the thought was nice. Maybe Connor meant that he knew Jared wasn’t the best of friends, but that  _ we  _ is what got him tripped up. He was acknowledging Evans loneliness along with his own.

The intercom interrupts the teacher's lecture in third period. 

“Can I have Evan Hansen come down to the office? There’s someone here to see him.” Is said in a garbled tone, but it doesn't stop half the class to look back at him curiously.

“Does he need to bring his things?” The teacher asks, disinterested.

The voice behind the intercom pauses, before;

“Yes, please.” 

And then the teacher nods to Evan before moving on to writing on the chalkboard at the front of the class. Most of the eyes retreat back to the lecture and Evan shoves his things back into his bag as quiet and fast as humanly possible. His papers are not in their preferred folders and his pencil is at the bottom of his backpack rather than its designated pocket, but it will have to do for now.

He passes Jared on his way out the door and he reaches to grab his attention.

“Take me with youuuuuu.” He whispers as Evan continued down his rushed path out the door.

He takes a shaky breath the moment the door closes behind him louder than he he wished it would.

“Sorry.” He says to the people behind the loud door as if they could hear them.

He doesn’t know why his mom would be visiting if she weren’t going to just pick him up. She’s supposed to be at work. There’s no one else to be visiting him during school hours like this.

Why did the intercom lady sound so apprehensive?

He pinches the loose straps of his backpack instead and marches down the hallway. He couldn’t keep whoever it was waiting. What if the office thought he was taking his time in the hallway, or taking advantage of his free pass to roam the school instead of going where he should be. He walks faster until he is met with the lady at the front desk.

“Evan Hansen?” She asks, but she doesn’t expect him to respond. He’s had plenty lunches in the office just to avoid the cafeteria. She’s used to him by now so see she smiles when she sees him, but there’s still that hint of hesitation. It sends Evans nerves screaming, and then she opens her mouth once more. “The Murphy family is here to see you.” She says softly. “They’re in your favorite meeting room.” She tries and she reminds him of his mom.

“Thanks, Ms. Heere… but um…” He hesitantly looks down the hall behind her as if he could see them from where he stood.

“I think you should find out for yourself.” She says softly and then turns to her computer screen, silently stating that Evan couldn’t stand there buying time with her forever. So he steps down the narrow hallway to his favorite hiding spot being invaded by strangers.

He gently knocks to warn his entering before stepping in silently and taking his preferred seat by Mrs. Kubos’s ficus. He doesn't look up to the other people in the room until he is fully seated.

It was a husband and wife he guessed by the way that they held each other's hands like it was the only thing the could do. The wife in mention seems to be falling apart in her chair so it was the husband that spoke up.

“We’re uh- We’re Connors parents.” He says, looking to his wife that seems that even that fact was tragic.

“Oh…” Evan says to his hands folded in his lap. He doesn’t know what this is about. He doesn’t know if he want’s to know what this is about, other than the fact that he knows it's about the letter Connor has from him.

“Why don’t you- uh.” The father urges the woman on as if he were afraid he couldn’t tell Evan he was a freak by himself.

“I’m going as fast as I can.” She says, and Evan takes it as a blessing and a curse. Everything was definitely going to fast for Evan, but he wanted to rip the band aid off and get this shit show over with.

“That’s not what I said, is it?” He says, and his tone even has Evan shrinking away as if it were addressed to him.

“This is-” She pulls a familiar piece of paper neatly folded in her purse. Oh, God. “Connor, he wanted you to have this.” She says as Evan stares down at the familiar words. All of this just to return a note back? Or did they actually want to talk this out? Did Connor's parents want to  _ talk  _ to him about what the note said about Zoe? He skims over a line that reads that he wanted to disappear, and he couldn't agree more.

“We never heard your name before- Connor never- And then we saw ‘Dear Evan Hansen’” His dad explained, but it only served to raise more questions. 

“He gave this to you?” Evan mumbles, folding the paper back to the way it was.

“We didn’t know you two were friends.” His father began, and Evan didn’t know they were friends either.  “We didn’t know Connor had any friends.” That part stung a little, yeah, because his name was still written on his cast with the ‘pretend to be friends’ idea. Maybe that’s what this is about. “And then we see this- this letter, and it seems to suggest that you and Connor where, or at least Connor, that he thought of you as- I mean, is written right there, it says ‘Dear Evan Hansen.’ It’s addressed to you. He wrote it to you.” He seems endlessly frustrated at that fact, like it was a puzzle he couldn’t fit together, but it was obvious what he was missing.

“You think that this- that uh, you think that Connor wrote this to me?” Evan swallows. Connor had set it up quite well if this was the whole ‘pretend to be friends’ thing. It was undeniable from anybody's point of view, but it had him understanding why nobody would befriend Connor if his parents would get every friend sent to the principal's office to interrogate them.

“This is the words he wanted to share with you” His mother speaks up, her hand resting over the letter in Evans hands.

“His last words” The older man specifies, and it was then that every part of this conversation had flipped on its head.

“He wanted you to have this.” The woman smiles with tears staining her eyes in betrayal. It only serves to make the whole word spin around Evan.

“I- I’m sorry, What do you mean last words?” He croaks; all the moisture suddenly gone from his mouth. He watches as the parents exchange glances.

“Connor- uh, Connor tried to take his own life last night.” The man states, and Evan feels that blow straight in his gut. 

“He what?” Evan sputters, feeling the blood drain from his face. Oh good God. Evan wasn’t Connor's friend and this was  _ very  _ personal information.

“We found this note, folded up in his pocket.” Larry explained, dragging them all into this train wreck further, his brow furrowed and he looked like he was reminding himself not to look angry. 

“He’s- He’s alive?” Evan asks. He’s not Connor's friend, but he’s not a terrible person. Connor had a meltdown right in front of him yesterday. This whole visit was a guilt trip enough as it is.

“Yes.” The man answers simply, and Evan feels like he just practically vomited relief. “We- uh-” He looked to his wife, who had resigned to crying silently. “We figured you should be there once he’s stable enough for visiting.” He said, and it wasn’t a question. 

He wasn’t Connor's friend. Connor didn’t write that note, and he doesn’t know what to do with the fact that Connor didn’t write a suicide note at all; not even to his parents or a friend. It was an eerie feeling when he added it to Connors joke about pretending to be friends. There was the silent reminder that his parent didn't believe Connor had any friends, and they were right.

The parents of this kid looked at Evan like he was some light at the end of the tunnel. They believed Connor had  _ someone  _ to talk to; that he wasn’t as alone as Evan had just realized he was. In reality Connor was looking for a sign; a yes or no if this was the day it was going to happen. Evan knew it all from experience; all he needed was a tree and no more footholds to get any higher. Connors sign was the letter that could so easily be mistaken for a suicide note and the rushed conclusion that it had been written for him and  _ he used it.  _

Evan was at fault here.

Evan was his sign, and god dammit if he didn’t owe Connor to at least make his parents think that he’s capable of making at least one friend. 

“Evan?” It was the mother that speaks up, and it’s a voice that knows what an internal meltdown looks like. 

“Well?” The father speaks up over his head, and it’s a voice that knows the limits of pressure of an internal meltdown. 

“Y-yes-” Evan squeaks, not at all audible. “Yes, please.” Evan raises his voice if only to avoid the irritated look on the fathers face.

The door opens again, and honestly, Evan doesn’t think he can take any more of this. He was already at his limit with just the two parents. He doesn’t look to the door, just to his hands and waits to be spoken to.

It’s Ms. Heere with a small, knowing, life-saving smile. Evan could cry in the spot if it weren’t for Connor's parents sitting across from him. She leans down to whisper in his ear like they do in business meetings.

“Do need a break, or do you need them to leave?” She whispers because she already knows Evan is five minutes away from hauling ass out of the room whether or not he’s been excused, just by looking at the sick look on his face.

“Done.” He chokes, and she stands uprights to regard the two parents professionally.

“I’m sorry, but Mr. Hansen can’t be missing any more of class.” She excuses and Evan takes his leave.

“Sorry, It was lovely to meet you.” He lies through his teeth; that was an absolutely terrifying experience.

He doesn't go back to class. Not for fourth, and not for fifth. He takes to writing on the love seat in Ms. Heeres office. No one can bother him there, that is, until Mrs. Murphy shows up with lunch for Evan.

 

“Do you want to have lunch with her?” The administrator asks with an ugly expresion. In case anyone was wondering, ladies at the front desk were  _ very  _ judgmental. It was one of the few things Evan was right about, but he was happily seated on the other side of Ms. Heeres judgement.

Evan looks up from his scattered papers, she hadn’t said a word to him since the Murphys left. “Is it just her?” He asks slowly.

“Mmhm.” She responds.

“Oh- It’s okay, I guess.” Evan allows.

She turns to leave before something else crosses her mind. “If you’re done just come get me. Say you need to go to the bathroom, or something, and I’ll come to your rescue in about five minutes so she doesn’t think it’s related.” She plots, and honestly, Evan couldn’t pick a better school counselor/administrator/ hall monitor. This school really needed to hire more staff.

Evan nods, and she disappears from the doorway.

He takes a deep breath, trying to syke himself up for a one on one conversation. He keeps Ms. Heere’s offer like a lifesaver in the back of his mind. He’ll be okay, as long as he had an out.

The woman steps into the room, smiling softly when Evan looks up to her.

“You’re already in the office?” She asks, but there’s a pitying tone to it as if she already knew why.

“I- ah- uh- yeah. Um.” Evan desperately grasps at straws to find a reason he was still in the office. 

“I’m sorry.” She says and although Evan is a professional at coming up with a million reasons to apologize, he can’t name one where she should. “We probably ruined your whole school day. I can’t imagine how hard it would be to focus with everything on your mind.” She elaborates. “We probably should have waited for the afternoon, but we felt like it would be better to tell you the first chance we had.” She excuses.

“Why are you here now? Not-! Not that you being here is bad or anything- it’s fine- I mean- I.” Evan cuts himself off with one thought after another.

“I just wanted to talk to you.” She says simply, like it was an honest confession. “You must mean a lot to him.” She continues, and Evan thinks he can throw up from the guilt alone. “I just want to get to know you. He’s never mentioned you, or anyone really.” She finishes, and Evan has no idea how to respond to that. 

“He didn’t want anyone to know we're friends.” He lies, and he hopes that would help cover up any questions from others about their sudden ‘friendship’. 

“Why?” She asks, and honestly, Evan can come up with a million reasons why someone wouldn’t want to be known as his friend, but that would make Connor seem selfish. There had to be some reason, that would put him in a better light, at least to his mother.

“I-uhm. There’s kids that give him a hard time.” He says, and it’s not necessarily a lie. It’s not just Connor that shoves people in the hall, and sometimes he’s on the other side of the shove. Of course there were kids like Jared that verbally harassed him whenever the opportunity allowed. “And- and, um.” He sputters, not sure how to elaborate, but the mother looks at him like she can see ‘easy target’ written on his forehead.

“Zoe said she saw him push you in the hallway yesterday.” She interrogates, and Evan can feel his lies catching up to him.

“We were- I had upset him, it was- it was m-my fault.” Evan sputters, curling into himself. He couldn’t keep up the facade with her questioning him like this.

“I’m sorry, I hadn’t meant to be insensitive.” She places a soft hand on Evans, and he seizes up. 

No, he had to get out of here. Right now. 

He jerks away from her, standing up. Guilt washes over her face, and she follows Evan with the want to fix things, when all Evan needed was space.

“I- I need- I need a moment, please.” He sputters in one breath before he tries to make a break for the door.

The mother grabs his arm before he can make it out of his ruined sanctuary.

It was as if her grip squeezed the air out of his lungs. He couldn't get air back in no matter how much he tried reminding himself to breath. Just breathe, you idiot. You are making a scene. This is why she thinks Connor didn’t want anyone to know you where his ‘friend’. You aren’t even his friend, you’re a goddamn fraud.

“It’s okay, Evan. You don’t have to run away.” She says, trying her damnedest to be supportive, and Evan feels twice as guilty trying to flee. But he need to run away. He needs to separate himself from all that’s going on; if only for a few minutes. That’s all he needed. A moment to himself, god, that sounded heavenly.

“No, no, please.” Evan shrinks under her hand. He can’t pull away from her. No, that’d be rude. He can’t be rude. He can’t be more rude than he’s already being. She’s going to know, and then she’s going to understand why Connor hypothetically didn’t want people to know they were friends. He should be happy. He was covering his own tracks. He was someone Connor obviously wouldn’t want to share with anyone.

“Evan?” She asks, and he finally has the courage to get out of her grip. Or maybe it was fear that made him looks so bold. He doesn’t make it to the door. His shaky legs are traitors that don’t understand the importance of just getting out of that room. So instead his back hits the wall and he slides down to sit on the floor with his knees pulled so tight to him that they threaten to squish the air out of his lungs. There isn’t much air to force out to begin with. He reminds himself to breathe. Just breathe. That’s what everyone says as if it will fix everything. As if he can just breathe Mrs. Murphy away. It’s not like he can breathe any way so even if it would help it was helpless. Every time he forces air into his lungs it was like they were spitting it back out. He wasn’t sure if he was breathing at all or just circulating air. 

“Evan? Evan, honey, what’s wrong. I’m here.” She’s back in his face and now she holds Evans arms that are trying the pull his knees closer to him. She trying to hug him, but Evan can feel his skin squirming under her.

‘Please’ He thinks, because his throat is flooding with all the words he cannot say. He’s not sure if it’s because of the tears of the lack of oxygen. 

Finally she retreats to the door, swiftly and quickly. He can hear her call Ms. Heere from the front desk panicked. He tries to force himself off of the floor. He has to at least look okay. He can’t have his mom pulled out of work just to pick him up. He was on a week long streak. He had been doing so well. He can’t have her disappointed. 

Mrs.Murphy comes back an agonizing five seconds later, and she rubs at Evan shoulder like a stranger shouldn’t have any right in doing. Any progress he had in getting off of the floor is thrown out of the window, and now he can’t even circulate air. He just looks at her, desperate and gaping.

“Woah, give him some space.” Ms. Heere is a saving sound as much as it is a damning one. She brings freedom from Mrs. Murphy, and disappointment from mom with her.

“I’m trying to calm him down.” She explains as if it were obvious, and as if Evan had gone deaf as well.

“Unless he said you could touch him, I suggest you back away. You’re stressing him out.” She bites back, having years of customer service under her belt, she doesn't give a shit about sugar coating anything.

“But-” The woman tries, but her hands are now hovering over Evan now rather than touching him.

“Mrs. Murphy, will you step out for just a minute? I would like to have a word with you.” Ms. Heere says in a tone that would make anyone with a conscious cringe away.

Without another word, and only with a retracting sigh, she stands and does as told.

“Take your time. I’ll call your mother.” Ms.Heere says before she too leaves the small office.

He can hear Ms. Heere degrading tone through the door and Mrs. Murphy speaks less and less the more Evan tries to listen in. He can’t distinguished and words, and the unknown only works him up further so he resigns him back to the love seat and reads over his papers.

He always writes better when he’s upset.  He’s too stressed to hold a pencil without his hands shaking so much his handwriting is illegible. He rereads his papers a second time.

 

His mother shows up before he finishes reading them a third time. She steps in with the click of the door behind her.

“Hey baby.” She says, and it’s as if Evan hadn’t stopped crying at all. He stands, closing the distance between him and his mother. She squeezes him in her arms like she can hold the broken pieces together until they glue together. Sometimes he thinks she can. So he buries his head in her shoulder and lets the feeling sink in so it can begin to glue his broken pieces back together. “Let's get you home.” She says with a kiss to his temple, and it sounds so welcoming that he can forget that he’ll just be left alone there.


	2. Stable Is A Relative Term

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Connor wakes up to one of the best hospital experiences he's had to date.

POVC

* * *

 

Waking up in a hospital after you try to never wake up again is just as painful and irritating and emotionally draining as it sounds. Honestly, Connor would rather die instead of sitting in a hospital bed and treated like a glass doll and mentally poked and proded by his family and nurses alike. Maybe he was biased, but he wasn't wrong when he said it was the one of the worst experiences he’s ever has been forced through.

He abuses his freedom, and by that, he means wiggling his fingers. ‘Ah, yes. Sweet freedom.’ He thinks sarcastically. At least he could still think bitterly. Opening his mouth for will only land him another week here. He stares at the white ceiling with nothing but the annoying beeping of the machine beside him to keep him company. He thinks this is doing more harm than help. He could go insane just sitting here. He does his best to mentally flip off the monitor beside him.

He doesn’t think of anything that’s happened prior to him waking up like a couch potato with needles stuck in it.

He doesn’t think about that fucking letter.

Nope.

Not doing that.

He’s not thinking about how Hansen was a fucking mind reader, and he related to that letter more than he wanted to. It was everything he couldn’t put into words. Because nothing he says matters. It’s just him having a break from screaming his head off. Everyone walks around him in a clear three foot radius unless they were there to ruin his day as if they wouldn’t do it, his parents wouldn’t have it covered. His only chance to win someone over was Zoe. She was the closest one, and she had already considered him a lost cause.

Fuck.

He wiggles his toes to exercise his freedom.

His stomach feels like it’s been vacuumed clean and turned inside out. He guesses that was accurate.

He can still taste Zoes hand forcing him to give up half the pills he had taken.

She probably hated him now. He doesn't think he can look her in the eye after this. After he fucking deep throated her hand. God, what the _fuck._ He wanted to die on the spot and it was the embarrassment instead of the depression talking for once in his pathetic life.

He finds a remote the the tv on the bedside table. It was his only savior to a life of boredom. So he picks it up and flicks on the tv. There’s an option to sign into Netflix or watch the basic stations that consisted of news channels and preschooler cartoons. He silently curses Larry for paying for Hulu instead. Who watches Hulu? Well, he did, because it was paid for. He shuts the tv off. It’s worthless to him now. He drops the remote to the floor, out of his reach.

* * *

 

Why the hell had he done that? Yeah, sure, Connor got off to offing himself, but he was bored to hell and back. He wanted to slam his head into the out of reach wall and it was fueled by more than just intrusive thoughts. Boredom. God he couldn’t stand just staring at the wall anymore. He’s already done planning hypotheticals for when he gets home.

He stares at the remote on the floor. His only savior, but so far out of reach. He supposes he could call the nurse to get it picked up. There’s a button conveniently placed on the side of his bed. He doesn’t push it. He never does. He doesn’t want their help. He’d much rather deal with the shit he puts himself through himself. It’s his problem, not theirs.

He’s done enough of bothering people with his problems. That was the point of it all, but now he's stuck here. Like a roach that just won’t die.

He needs to leave. It’s the only way he can make up for all the things he’s done. He can’t fix all that's he’s ruined, but if he could just stop adding onto all that he has to fix. If he could just _stop._

There’s a soft knock at the door before the nurse walks in. Connor doesn’t look from the spot on the wall.

“You can call me if you drop it. It’s not a problem.” She says softly as the remote is placed at Connors side. He looks at it like he doesn’t know what to do with it, but he doesn’t respond to her.

“Are you experiencing any pain?” She asks, taking a seat at the nurses desk in the room. He’s not bored anymore, but apparently there are worse things than boredom. He desperately wishes she would just leave already. It was a waste of time. He would be dead by the end of this year anyways and it was already the beginning of fall. He might stick around for Halloween now that he has to pick another date. Or maybe _on_ Halloween. Or if he was feeling particularly hopeful he could stick it out to leap year. Then his family wouldn’t have to deal with that whole ‘anniversary business so often.’ Maybe they’ll even forget before the next one rolled around.

Connor doesn’t answer her.

 

She doesn’t prod him any further. She just sets him up with another iv bag and he can feel the soreness of his stomach ease away as the clear liquid eases into his veins. And she leaves with the promise that she’ll bring lunch in an hour.

Connor flicks the tv on and settle on a news broadcast before dropping his remote onto the floor with purpose.

* * *

 

Connor hated himself and every single decision he has made. The broadcasters voice grated on his nerves. He just wanted the silence back into his room, but the remote was out of reach. He punches the side of his head as if he can knocks the sound of the reporter's voice from his head. Do they ever just shut up?

There’s a knock at the door and the same nurse walks in. Connor spares her a glance, and she looks oddly familiar like he’s seen her in someone else before. He’s not sure if that makes sense. She smiles awkwardly like she hadn’t expected to actually get acknowledged, and it fits into place.

He looks to the patient white board by the door. It reads ‘Nurse: Hansen’. God, fucking- _curse his luck_ . How the _fuck_ does he end up in situations like this?

The remote is placed back by his side and he meets her eye. It’s a sad look of understanding, and _why the fuck does she know? It's just a fucking remote._

He thinks back to the well written note by the nurses fucking son. _She’s seen this bullshit before._ Fucks sake, Connor really didn’t want to be here.

He eyes the patient board instead. It reads off like it should, but Connor can’t help but be bothered by the ‘patient: unstable’. It had only been a day, they didn’t know for sure. He hasn’t done _anything_ to warrant them to be unsure. Sure, he had just tried to kill himself, but we’re talking about _now._ They were wasting his time. He needed to get home so he can learn from his mistakes and make his attempt a success.

“How are you feeling?” She asks as she places the tray of ‘food’ on the swiveling tray in front of him. He wants to keep his pride by keeping his mouth shut, but that would only prolong his stay.

“Okay, before I saw what you were serving me.” He lies, but she chuckles. He doesn’t expect her to answer, or just idly defend the poor excuse of food.

“It almost tastes as good as it looks.” She says instead and it makes him smile. He tries to twist his smile down into a frown, and all she sees in his awkward expression. She goes back to her paperwork without a word further. Connor likes her more than the past nurses he’s had, Hansen or not. Not enough to like, not kill himself or anything, but the thought was nice.

“Your afternoon and night nurse are Ms. Brown and Ms. Sawyer.” She says as she scribbles the names above ‘unstable’, and Connor tries to act like he doesn’t see it. She doesn’t point it out either. “I’ll see you in the morning, Mr. Murphy.” She says as she gathers her papers, and yeah, he knows this is how it works, but he felt a little abandoned. He didn’t want to be juggled by multiple nurses that wanted to try to get him to talk. He grimaces.”Sorry, Connor.” She corrects, but that’s not what Connor was making a face about, but whatever.

“I’ll be here.” He grumbles as he watches her go.

* * *

 

Nurse Brown doesn't see where he’s dropped his remote. He’s hid it under his bed, and she talks over the news broadcaster. She goes on about the high school she used to work out and how most boys his age doesn’t like their hair so long because it’s ‘unmasculine.’ He doesn’t say a word to her until she says her ‘goodnight’ spiel, to which he finally snaps and responds with ‘I’ll sleep when I’m dead bitch, fuck off.’

* * *

 

Nurse Sawyer shuts the tv so he could sleep, and tries to be quiet to not disturb him. She still doesn't find his remote, and Connor hates the loud clicking of her shoes. He doesn’t get to sleep until early morning.

* * *

 

He wakes up when Nurse Hansen softly knocks on the door and steps in.

“Sorry to wake you.” She says even though Connor wasn't bothered in the slightest.

“I'll sleep when I'm dead.” Connor replies but it doesn't have the same bite as it did yesterday.

“So I heard. How was the afterlife?” She teases like Connor wasn't in a hospital bed awaiting his death.

“Shitty.”

“Mmm, yeah.” She says as she skims over whatever garbage the past two nurses had written on his chart. “Theses beds are not exactly built for corpses, you know.” She sets the clipboard down. “Now, where is it?” She scans the floor, but Connor won't comply.

“It's not your fucking job to find it every time.” He grumbles as the nurse pulls the remote out from under the bed. She had other patients to care for that actually wanted to be here (or alive at least).

“Why does it matter if it is or not?” Ms. Hansen inquires. She gently places the piece of plastic beside him.

“Because it's a waste of time! Why bother if it's just going to be on the floor the next time? There is nothing you can do to change it!”

“I won't pass up the opportunity to give you a chance to change it.” She says like Connor understood what she meant. He didn't. It was confusing so he took it as an insult.

“Nothing is going to change, that's the whole reason I'm here stuck talking you! Get the hell out!” It almost felt like a relief to blow up. Nothing can or will change. _This_ is how things are meant to be. It's meant for Connor to scream at anyone who dares to care, and them retreating so Connor can sit on his man-made silence.

He hates this. He hates being alive and being stuck with himself. He hates the hatred that boils over from nowhere, and no matter how many times he let's it out, the anger is still there. It's apart of him, and there's only one way away from it.

He wants Nurse Hansen to come back. He wants her to tell him how shitty the food tastes. She doesn't need her to give him more chances to hurt himself. He does fine on his own.

He exercises his freedom and drops the remote on the floor against his better judgment to just throw it. That's the most change anyone's ever gotten out of Connor.

Still, his fingers itch to scratch and his lungs full with excess air, ready to scream at the next person that walks through that door.

No one does. Ms.Hansen has already gone over his morning check up. There's no need for anyone to see him and they all deserve a break from him anyways.

He wants some one here.

He doesn't want to be alone with himself, but why would anyone want to be here? No one wants to play middle man between Connor and everything that he is. He's not worth helping because he’ll just kill himself anyways.

He clenches his jaw, but his chin still quivers.

“Fuck you” He says to himself because that was who his true enemy was. He brings a hand to cover the onslaught of tears drowning him. There is no one in the room to hide from, but he hides his tears from himself the best he can.

He's ruined his own fucking life. He remembers how his mother used to laugh in the kitchen when she made cinnamon rolls, yet he can't remember the last time she's done that. There's always a thin line where her smile used to be and she's trying so hard to support both sides on the battlefield. Zoe will do anything to tear everyone down, trying to save her own skin as Connor breaks down the last few ties holding the family together. Larry fights tooth and nail to stop him. It's always ends with Larry vs. Connor. Zoe doesn't know which side to pick so she picked neither, and his own mother stopped seeing eye to eye with Connor years ago. The only way to end it was to have a winner to the battle, and Connor didn’t know a better way to wave a white flag.

He was supposed to be doing them a favor. He was supposed to give his dad a chance to rebuild everything that has been torn down, but Connor still sits here destroying whatever he can get his hands on.

He wants to be a kid again. When he wasn't angry and home felt safe. He wants everything to be fixed. He didn't want to necessarily die. He want’s to take fifty steps back or just start all over and try again. If he knew this back at the start, maybe he would have stepped down. If only he knew the fight he was starting wasn’t one that would end any time soon, and it would _never_ end with him as the victor. Even if he won now, he would still lose.

He doesn't think he can fix it, and there's no way he's going to be forgiven of everything because of this hospital trip. But he misses his family, which is weird because he didn't think he was capable of doing that. Maybe not his family the way they are now, but who they used to be. He missed the happy family they used to be before he has twisted them all onto two opposing sides.

Maybe he should at least try to fix it. Or give them some sort of closure.

He owed them that much.

Leap day wasn’t so far away, right?

He pushes the nurse call button on the side of his bed.

 

He doesn't apologise when she walks in. He had screamed in her face that he was a lost cause, but he can't bring himself to apologise. He doesn't think he should. He had a hissy fit when he went to go apologize to her son. He regretted the majority of his interaction with Evan, and wanted to take back the words he had screamed at his nurse and his family alike. Just because he was sorry doesn't mean he should say it. His pride stops him from doing it nicely so if he ever manages to get a ‘sorry’ across its always delivered like a little kid whose parents told them they had to apologise.

A very angry temperamental kid.

“Is everything okay?” She asks first, but he doesn’t miss how her eyes catch on the remote on the floor. She doesn't go for it immediately just in case it would set him off again.

“Yeah, I just…” And now he looks at the remote. He hated asking for help. “I dropped it.”

“Not a problem.” She says in a way that almost makes Connor believe her. She had other patients to be looking after. She hands it to him rather than placing it beside him.

Another nurse slips her head through the door without knocking, and Connor behaves himself well enough that he just glares at her rather than saying anything ugly.

“Heidi?” She asks, although she smiles like she answered her own question when she saw her. “Hey, Janice can’t come in, and I can’t cover her. Can you?” She says right off the bat, and Connor really wonders if he should be hearing any of this, or better yet, if this nurse can act like he was in the fucking room too, that’d be great.

“Can you give me just a second?” Heidi tries to smile, but her posture is hostile towards the other woman. Connor can’t really blame her.

“I just need a yes or no.” The other woman presses. Good fuck, this can’t be professional. Even Connor can see how Heidi hides her slight tremor by stiffening her posture. She worries her fingers around each other, and Connor wants to tell this stranger off for putting her on the spot.

“Yes.” Heidi beats him to it, and whatever she was holding in just deflates.

“Thank you! I owe you one.” This bitch had the nerve to hang around even though it was clear she didn’t a word she was saying.

“Get out! You already got what you want! Stop wasting any more of her time.” Connor bites, and his words chase out the intruder. “What a bitch. You know she’s not going to mak-”

“Yeah, I know.” She interrupts and she looks sad? Sure, she just lost her evening to work, but surely it wasn’t that bad. “Sorry, I-” She wipes at her eyes, and Connor feels guilty. He wishes he had interrupted earlier. “Sorry.”

“You alright?” Connor asks, but he doesn’t think it’s out of manners. He can feel the anger in the back of his throat, and it's pointed at whatever made her feel this way. It’s not aimlessly bitter this time. It’s the same taste of anger when Evans letter addressed Zoe. It’s the disturbing feeling of someone steppingcarelessly onto what mattered. _Possesive._ But he had no right. He had not right defending her, or getting angry on her behalf. Even more so with Ms. Hansen.

“It’s nothing to worry about.” She says professionally and Connor can hear her metaphorically bite her tongue. It wasn’t his business, and it wasn’t his right.

“It’s not my job to ask.” Connor says anyways because he didn’t just ask out of manners. If he were to ever begin to make things better, it would help to start with a stranger. It would help if he learned to care about someone even if it was a stranger.

She smiles when she looks at him, and she looks so much like his own mother; the exhaustion so well hidden begins to peek through her features. It’s the expression he sees on TV all the time of someone just before the break of tears where you can see just how tired of it all they really are. This woman had been letting so much roll off her back for so long.

“I promised my son I’d help him with his scholarship essays tonight.” She finally answers, and the mention of Evan in like a blow in the gut to Connors confidence.

He made an absolute ass out of himself in front of her son, and that was putting it lightly. He fucked that up and he hoped with every fiber of his being that it didn’t catch up to him just yet. At least not while he was under his mother's care. He liked having a nurse he could talk to. Hell, he liked having _someone_ to talk to that didn’t treat him like a bomb waiting to go off. There was a reason people treated him like that; it was fair, he guessed. And it was only a matter of time before she realized it, via her son or through Connor himself.

“Should have told her that. Stop her from walking over you.” Connor responds instead. If she was anything like Evan (and from what he just saw, he was pretty sure she was.), he wouldn’t doubt for a second that her coworkers regularly pressured her into taking their shifts more often than not.

“They wouldn’t have taken it as a good enough reason.” She defends.

“This is Evans future, fuck them if they don’t think that is a good enough reason. What reason did that asshole give you for covering her shift?” Connor shoots back.

“You know my Evan?”

Fuck.

“What? No- not personally.” He begins, but he remembers the letter. That’s going to be a pain to explain if he didn't know Evan. “Sort of.” Or he could tell the truth. That he got the letter from Evan in a weird twist of fate. Even though that weird twist of fate was him screaming his head off and his nurses son forging what looked to be suicide note. They were both fucked. “It’s complicated.” He shrugs even though it probably looks like he’s lying through his teeth.

She looks like she wants to ask, and he wouldn't doubt that she’s the kind of mom that wanted to know everything there is to know about her kid. His own mother was like that too, once upon a time. Until she couldn’t handle the things she kept finding, and if she stopped looking into who Connor was now, she could pretend that the Connor she loved was still there.

“Well, on the bright side, you won’t have to deal with Nurse Brown today.” She smiled and although she was trying her best to be cheerful on Connor's behalf.

“She’s a bitch and doesn’t deserve a day off. You do.” Connor says bluntly back. Her smile becomes less for Connor and more for herself.

“As much as I would love to stay and talk shit with you the rest of my _extended_ shift…” She sighs, but still waits for Connor to say goodbye.

“Fuck em’ up.” He says and he can feel the smile in his chest when she pats his shoulder before she takes her leave. _Happiness,_ Connor has to remind himself what it’s called. He doesn’t feel as left behind when she leaves the room.

* * *

 

Connor takes to watching Antiques Roadshow on one of the community tv stations. It's far less mind numbing than news or the silence. He wishes he had his phone to listen to music or to scroll through social media where he doesn't know a single person.

After the third episode of AR he flips the channels and notes the going up a channel versus going down make a different tone in static. He tries to make some sort of song out of the two tones, but the channels don’t flip as fast as he needs them to go.

He wants to drop his remote in retaliation, but he doesn’t. He liked watching the Antique show, so instead of dosing himself with more damaging silence or headache inducing news, he goes back to channel three.

For the first time in several weeks, he feels content.

 

Nurse Hansen brings in his lunch a few hours later.

“Did you give the nurses a special ‘fuck you’ from me?” He feels himself smile when she walks in. He never thought it was meant to feel this natural.

“Of course, I also told them I quit and I’m moving to Hawaii.” She grins back. Connor gives an amused huff because maybe he doesn’t know how to laugh anymore.

“Take me with you…” Connor says dramatically, but he isn’t turned away like he was expected to be.

“Of course, who else is going to cater to my every whim as I enjoy my retirement?”

Ah. she won that one.

 

Talking to someone without ‘who Connor was’ attached to the discussion was a lot like walking on the first day of fall. The feeling was freeing and made him look forward to more discussions with her. There was nothing to be fixed or to be sorry for with her. He could live in the present without being held accountable for the past. Or maybe he had really died and gone to heaven, where everything is as okay as the preachers say it is.

Maybe that’s why he was so upset when she wiped the ‘un’ from ‘unstable’ as she left the room. He was running out of time in his haven.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That whole remote business was sort of a metaphor. (you can cut off a suicidal person from hurting themselves, but in the end, if they want to hurt themselves they will find a way. you have to let them make that decision for themselves and just support them through the hurt) hey.  
> I'm runing behind on my writing so the update is scheduled for the 10/23. (but hey, where checking up on Jared on that chapter so its something to look forward to)


	3. Remembrance and Regret

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jared takes a look at himself and the roll he has and hasn't played in his friends lives

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING- This chapter is very suicide positive, and I consider it very triggering. Jared is in a nasty mindset, and it may be hard to read for some people. I'll write a summary at the end for those who decide to skip reading this chapter so you all won't lose any important details.  
> please keep a closed mind reading this, this is not a sign of any sort

POVJ

* * *

 

People who kill themselves are remembered for their good qualities. Jared had considered that a time or two. He was an asshole through and through, and he knew the only way to be remembered as a good person was to ‘die before his time’. Because apparently only good people fall victims to tragedy.

That’s how it works; you die young and people who barely even knew you are suddenly your friends and are crying at your gravestone. Instant love and popularity. No one can hate you if you killed yourself.

Connor Murphy proved just how true that was. One day he was a menace that no one would even make eye contact with, and the next day there were students that were reminiscing about when the had fifth grade science with him (I’m looking at you, Alana Beck). Those who hardly talked to him would try desperately to recall any interaction they had with him, even if it was just a glance.

Evan had nothing to say about it one way or the other, even though he had this guys name printed across his arm in bold letters. And people like Jared, who took every interaction with Connor like a game of playing with a wild animal until it snaps, wondered what was the straw that finally broke the camel's back.

There was no sign of bullying in the halls, the aggressors were to weighed down with guilt. The other students passed around get well cards like they knew just what to say to turn this teenagers life around. It was like a textbook definition on how even trying to commit suicide will make everything go away. Jared hated supporting that ideal, but it opened his eyes where he had so stubbornly closed them seven years ago to save his ‘reputation’. He had been an idiot. He was an asshole and everybody knew it, just like Connor was an asshole by public knowledge.

They had met each other on a stupid discussion on how awful the Fantastic Four movie was. Jared didn’t even care for superhero movies (until Doctor Strange came out, finally a hero with some brains instead of bronze, holla), but he knew it couldn’t be just him that hated it. Evan said it was decent even though Jared was sure Evan would call highway robbery decent because he refused to speak negatively against _anything._ He was the stark opposite of Jared and maybe Jared needed someone to cuss out a 2005 movie with.

So that’s how he met imdeadipromise on myspace. Admittedly, imdeadipromise was far more invested into other Marvel (or DC or avengers? He’s not sure how this worked) movies than Jared was (not that it would be that hard, there were some three year olds that knew more about it than he did). So naturally the discussion grew onto best cereal flavors and favorite serial killers.

At the time, Jared would easily call this guy his best friend. They talked about everything they could fit in the span of 10 months. He learned that this guy was gay, and they talked through Jareds sexuality until he found a comfortable fit with pansexual. They talked about the guy they liked and joked how it sounded like it was the same person. It was a running line that they had the same taste in people (only later did Jared find out that they really did because they both liked Evan). And then it grew to Jared being pretty sure he’d date this mystery guy if given the chance, so he went out on a limb and gave out his phone number.

They still talked without knowing who the other was. Jared learned about the shitty place at home this kid had to deal with and he shared his own adversities. Jared believed they understood one another. Feeling bold, he agreed to swap selfies because in his naive mind there was no way someone who understood him could possibly live so close (or is the school's very own crazy kid). The world never cared enough to give make something so valuable to him tangible as well. Except it did, and in the form of Connor Murphy no less. The classes monster understood him; how would that reflect on Jared?

So he did what was sensible and blocked him from every social media they shared, and stopped answering his texts until Murphy gave up on someone he believed understood him. That's when the themed insults came in because just ignoring him wasn't enough for Jared. No, he hated who Connor Murphy was and he rubbed that poor teens nose in it.

Every single one of those jocks began to take back their words like Connor had tried to take back his life. It was a crowd of people pointing fingers at each other to find who was the one who finally convinced him to do it. Jared wasn't on the same level of hurt as them. At the end of the day, all they were was strangers. Jared knew where to hit and what to say to make the biggest wound and he used Connors openness to someone he never thought he'd meet against him. And it was obvious Connor wished he had never met Jared because now his enemy has the secrets he's been holding to himself for so long and the worst part is; Jared is surprised to took this long for him to try this.

Jared saw this coming years ago, but it took this long for him to even regret it. It took Connor breaking down and giving up for anyone to get it.

Because the only person that bothered to listen to Jared is in the hospital. And no matter how many times he was told it was no one's fault for Connor's decision, he knew he was a part of the force that forced his hand.

He hated that it took this long for him to realize what he's done. It was seven years ago, and he was sure Connor grew to hate him despite their friendship, but the hurt and the reminder was still there every time Jared opened his mouth.

He pulled out his phone in study hall as he watches a freshmen hand a card around to get people to sign it. He doesn't think he should partake with it, because it would come across like a big middle finger rather than anything uplifting no matter what he wrote.

He sends a text to Connors old number instead. He doesn't think he'd have to same number after all this time, but he has nothing better to go on.

_I know I have shitty timing and you got a lot on your plate so I'll stop. It's not fair to you that I keep running my mouth -CareJare_

As soon as the message sends he flips his phone face down on the table. He breathes loudly through his now as he tugs his hands through his hair. Not here. Don’t have a meltdown in the middle of the fucking library. His phone dings not even thirty seconds later and that should be his first hint. Connor took at least two minutes to respond, minimum.

_I think you have to wrong number… good luck with whatever you doing tho!_

He reads over and he wasn't sure what he was expecting. It couldn’t even be Connor pretending to be someone else.

_Thanks, sorry to bother ya_

It's a reminder of just how long ago he had pulled away. He played no role for Connor other than a memory he'd rather forget. He wasn't apart of who Connor is now. He wasn't his family or his friend. He didn't deserve to know how Connor was doing in a hospital he had no idea where. He had purposely stepped out on Connor, and became one of the assholes he would vent about. Jared had spent countless hours cussing out jerkwads he though he’d never get to know all for the sake of making Connor feel better.

He decides to sign the card.

_For what it's worth, I'm sorry - CareJare_

He writes between two notes scribing about how they miss him and other lies.

Jared doesn't know if he misses Connor, but he knows he misses imdeadipromise.

 

Evans already seated next to his table by the time Jared goes back to his seat. He doesn’t have the heart to remind him that he wasn’t supposed sit next to him at school. He doesn’t want Evan getting more attached than he already was, but he’s bouncing a leg in a sorry attempt to dispel his anxious energy. Jared lets it slide this time.

“I need your help.” Evan whispers the moment Jared sits down and he’s acting so suspicious that it’s doing no good to stop the students glancing his direction. They all knew it was a matter of time, and Jared sure as hell didn’t want to get blamed for the panic attack _again._

Jared already knew what this was. Evan was a compulsive liar and regularly got himself in the weirdest situations. He remembers the last case when he had to convince a bunch of ROTC kids that Evans dad was really in the military, but Evan _really_  has no interest in ‘following his dad's footsteps’. He really didn’t have the energy to do this today, or for the next week really.

“Oh no, you lied again.” Jared answered in a monotone voice. “Fix it yourself this time.” Jared bites and he picks up his things in perfect timing with the bell.

Evan ends up being taken out of class two classes later, and Jared doesn’t want to think of what he’s done to cause that. He’s finally realized how much he’s hurt Murphy, he’d rather not add Evan to the mix today, but his empty seat is like an angry reminder. Connors empty seat can be linked back to Jared, just like Evans empty seat will. It’s as if he’s one of those toxic people that people on the internet warn you about. He hurts everyone he speaks to whether he wants to or not. The only reason Evan still stuck with him is because he had no other choice, and he had nothing mean to say about highway robbery, much less Jared. Evan doesn't know how to express the negative, and this whole ‘spending time with Jared thing’ was only because he mom made him do it and he felt to bad to let Jared know the truth.

They were just family friends, Evan didn’t get a say in it. Jared dared him to acknowledge it day after day, but he was persistent in hiding his true feelings from Jared. Jared was an absolute asshole to him, and never would Evan bring it up. He always pretended to be friends with Jared out of pity, and he wondered how long it would take for Evan to break down and tell Jared he was only a family friend. Or would he just end up like Connor?

All the jabs and insults he sends at Evan were to dig up the truth of their ‘friendship’, but it was just as hurtful and hateful as it was to Connor. Knowing how Connor was, even he had gone easy on Jared. He was just as shitty to the both of them, and they both dealt with it in their own ways. They never came back at Jared.

Jared never had to pay for what he said, Evan and Connor did. And Connor paid for it big time. What's to say Evan wouldn’t end up the same way? He hardly knew much about Evans mental stability other than it was almost non-existent. He grew up with this kid, and back then, Jared wouldn’t have doubted that they were friends. Then it seemed like Evan started getting shy, or temperamental, or just sorry. He wasn’t Evan anymore. It was like he had grown away from Jared all in the span of a few months. Of course he knew that Evan had an anxiety disorder; he wasn’t stupid. The point was that Evan wouldn’t tell him, his mother did. Jared was supposed to be his friend, but he never comes to Jared unless he needs something fixed. He won’t talk about what it’s like, what’s wrong, or even that he particularly anxious one day. Evan is a closed book, and Jared has no idea where Evan sits in terms of wanting or not wanting to be here.

It’s not like it would make any difference anyways. Connor was open to Jared, and Jared knew, no, _expected_ this to happen. It’s not like Jared did anything to help. He purposely made it worse. So maybe that's why Evan won't share that part of himself with him, because Jared doesnt know how to handle sensitive topics for shit.

He sits his head down for the rest of class

He doesn’t joke the pain away, and he knows better than to text Evan when he specifically took a day off so he just stares at the desk a couple inches from his face.

He wishes he could text his mom to pick him up like Evan could. He would live for that sweet unquestioned ‘i can’t do today’ text ability. He knows better than the text his mother when she’s at work.

 

Evan doesn't show the next day, which isn’t too unusual. It just means Jared has to play the loner kid until he gets back. Connor doesn’t show either, but that’s normal and expected. Jared doesn’t know why he even bothers to look over his shoulder when he dumps his books into his locker. Jared trudges to class wishing everything was different.

He watches as Zoe gets handed a stack of cards to give her brother. The one he signed looked to be about three cards down from the top, or maybe four? He looks away when Zoe looks up from the colorful papers.

She must have caught him staring because she left her seat to walk to his. He pretends not to notice anyways and tries to read over the new homework assignment with a bored expression.

“Jared, right?” She says, and Jared looks up like he hadn’t been expecting her to say something. Smooth. He nods with a lack of anything sarcastic to say. “You’re Evans friend?” She asked like she was already sure. To be fair, Evan was practically Jareds shadow, but people usually associated Evan as ‘Jareds friend’, not the other way around. Then again, most people really didn’t know of Evan, and Evan definitely worked to keep it that way.

“Family friends.” He shrugs, trying to keep nonchalance in his posture. God know Evan would be dying on the spot if he knew the Zoe Murphy was asking about him. If Jared behaved himself, maybe he could talk to Evan on his off day to tell him that...or Jared would freak him out because someone was talking about him because (according to Evan) that was the worst thing that could happen to him.

“Right,” She doesn’t seem all to impressed. “Can I get his number from you?” She asks, and Jared definitely knows Evan would be internally exploding if he could see any of this happening.

It was things like this that made Jared realize just how little he understood Evan. He could imagine several outcomes to this. Evan could be estatic that Jared gave his number to Zoe just as he would be angry if he didn't share it. Evan could also be terrified that Jared gave out his number because neither one of them would know why she wanted it or happy that Jared dodged that bullet for him. Or several of those things could happen at once. Evans preferences for things like this where changing daily, it was the reason Jared so brilliant reason he set Evans number to ring with Hot n’ Cold by Katy Perry. (It had only rung once because Jared had told him to call so Evan knew what Jared had changed it to. It was a pointless change knowing that Evan _never_ calls.)

“I just need it because he’s supposed to come with us to go see Connor.” She answers the unasked question from Jareds silence.

It was answer that felt like it practically punched him in the gut. Jared _had_ been Connors friend, which meant that while he was busy guilt tripping himself over this whole incident, he knew that his face was not one Connor would want to see anytime soon. Of course, if Connor had other friends, Jared wouldn’t know about it. He hardly knew anything about him at this point, but he was sure he would know if _Evan_ had other friends. Had he pointedly ignored Evan that much? Or did he just hide that whole ordeal from him?

Evan hadn’t said a word when news got out about what Connor had done. (Although it would explain why he was taking off like this.)

Or maybe trying to commit suicide really did make everything better and it’ll earn you a hospital visit from your crush _that you’ve never flipping talked to._

“You alright there?” She asks because apparently Jared was lost in his head again. He’s been doing that too much here recently.

“Yeah.” Jared croaks, but it’s not convincing. Zoe doesn’t say anything of it, and it was becoming obvious she wouldn’t have talked to Jared unless she deemed it necessary.

Jared wants to ask why. He wants to know what Evan has to do with Connor, or if she knew anything about it before Connors personal business became public. Instead he just copies Evans number from his phone onto a slip of paper. He has half the mind to just give her a wrong number. That’s only because he’s bitter and out of loop _again._

Evans never been good about keeping Jared updated unless he’s sitting in the same room with him and Evan is rambling (then Jared hears way too much of Evans personal life). Jared didn’t spend a lot of one on one time with Evan, so when Evan comes to him with some sort of early life crisis, Jared usually has little to no warning. And sure, he’s missed a few things. He had shown up at Evans place earlier this summer to force Evan to play GTA with him (only so he could kill that poor kid over and over mercilessly) only to find out Evan was working at a nature reserve and wouldn’t be back sometime later.

But him knowing Connor? How had he missed that?

An honest part of him knows that if it were to happen, Evan would have every reason to hide it from Jared. Which would bring his whole train of thought to how he verbally harassed someone who used to be his friend. (and then back to him verbally harassing Evan, wow Jared, get around much?)

He hands away the slip of paper.

“Don’t call him.” Jared says like it’s the only thing he knows about Evan, and it feels like it’s true. He doesn’t know a goddamn thing.

“Right.” She says like she's expecting that, and Jared hates that most people can figure out that one certainty without spending the majority of their lives with Evan.

He watches her walk away as if she were taking the only two friends that ever mattered away at the same time. He doesn’t stop her. He doesn’t ask her how Connor is doing. He doesn’t ask her what had happened to him. He doesn’t think he has a right to live with the relief it would bring him. He deserves to know that Connor barely made it alive, and it’s bound to happen again. He lets the weight on his conscience crush him.

He opens the his text messages to the thread with Evan.He knows better than to text him when he purposely took the day off. Jared can pride himself that he knows something that Zoe doesn't.

_Zoe asked for your number_

_way to go player_

He sends anyways, and just like always, Evan feels obligated to respond.

_K thanks_

Is what Jared gets back. It’s oddly uncharacteristic and lacking the excitement Jared was hoping for. He wants to apologise for bothering him, but that's oddly uncharacteristic and will only lead to Evan apologising back.

 

He always hated Evans off days. He and Evan had practically been shoved in the same crib together. Evan was quite literally his shadow. If Jared had a quip about the kid they walked passed in the hallway? Evan heard it. A hilarious add-on to something a teacher had said? Evan heard it. Evan played the role of the laughing track to a comedy show that Jared put on. Evan was his dedicated audience of one because no one else would stick around when Jareds jokes started to point at them.

Evan hadn’t had a choice in their set up, and Jared makes a point to remind him. Just so Evan knows that no matter how much he tries to pretend that they actually were friends, Jared knew it was all just a well fabricated lie.

That’s why he respected Evans off days, and gave him well needed space, even if sometimes that meant staring at the corner of the metaphorical crib. He knew he wasn’t the main cause of it. It was the anxiety that had overgrown, and Evan was starving it by avoiding any and all stressors. Jared was well aware that he was a stresser.

But with the whole thing going down with Connor recently, it had condensed the bitter feeling Jared had about Evans days. He played as a stressor for Connor just as he did for Evan. Of course he knew that the _whole_ attempted suicide wasn’t his fault. No one was fully responsible for that because it had to be a group effort, just like it takes more than one pill to kill oneself. Jared was just another pill to be swallowed along with his shitty parents and worsening illness. They were _all_ at fault. Jared just can’t help but wonder if one pill less would have made the difference.

He wonders how many pills Evan has.

He wonders how many pills he has, and so Jared has a brilliant idea of counting them.

One sort of- not really friend: Evan, a part-time Mother, an overworked Dad,

His hands hover over that. He blinks away the water in his eyes. He doesn’t think he wants to think of anymore past the three horse pills in front of him.

No one. He doesn’t have a friend that he could honestly speak to. The ‘Jared and Evan’ in junior high isn’t the ‘Jared and Evan’ in high school. He knows the whole setup is to pay Jared to play crutch for Evan. He knows once therapy de-cripples him, Jared will be prove to be useless to Evan.

His mother used to fight constantly with dad until one day it stopped. He saw it coming and she left. He thought he was happy. He thought he would gladly take the lack of a mother over the arguing. Until she came back five years later and acted as if she was still mother of the year. He deleted facebook when she boasted about her son like she was the one that raised him.

His dad did everything to fill the holes that that woman left behind. He stopped his pursuit in cooking to work manual jobs because they pay better. He still makes three sentence long casseroles, but they eat it straight out of the dish because Jared is seven and his dad is too tired to wash dishes. In the end, they both tried to fill the holes equally. Jared worked as his assistant until he was old enough to get a job on his own, and his dad never really stopped working when he got home.

Jared thinks those three pills will do him over well enough so he erases his list and sets his head back down on his desk.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Full summary-  
> Jared believes he is partially responsibly for Connors actions because they used to be friends (over myspace and talking about super heros no less), but Jared had turned on him to save his reputation. He is also angry at the students acting like they suddenly care for him just because 'good people are the only victims'. Evan doesn't show up to school due to anxiety and Jared partially blames himself for even that as well. He's not allowed to contact Evan when he misses school. Jared sends a message to Connor via get-well card that he is sorry. Jared spends his extra time looking at himself, thinking about how Evans anxiety lead him to grow away from Jared, how his mother left, but suddenly returned as if nothing had happend, and how his father worked endlessly to care for him. He worries about the lieklyhood of Evan trying to kill himself as well as the prospect of trying suicide for himself.  
> End Summary  
> Next update is 10/27


	4. The Little Prince, Redone

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Evan and Connor come to a sort of agreement, and work to keep up their facade.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, but if you guys can, you should watch the Little Prince. I cried like a little bitch...multiple times

POVE

* * *

 

Car rides were always Evans favorite. He could stare out the window and watch the world pass by without any need to stop and become a part of it. He was practically invisible behind the tint of the back window, but everyone one else stayed perfectly in his view. He can sit and idly watch the faces go past without any repercussions because everyone looked out the window. 

Making idle conversation during Evans space out and look out the window time definitely changed his feelings about said car ride. Most cars provided a safe separation between Evan and the outside world, but if the someone inside the safe space with him insisted on dragging him out of his zone and into a conversation. Well, Evan begins to realize just how much his safe place is just a cage with poison disguised as a conversation inside of an even bigger death trap known as the real world. 

“So, what are your plans after high school, Evan?” Mrs. Muprhy asks from the passenger seat after Evan had answered the standard ‘fine’ to ‘how's school going?’.

Evan had no idea what ‘his plans were after high school’. High school was proving to be more than he can chew on it’s own. He doesn’t want to think of the make up hours he’ll have to go through at the end of the year. He has enough to worry about without throwing his  _ whole future  _ into the mix. Even thinking about the prospect of graduating makes Evan want to jump out of this moving car. High School was a living nightmare starting at 7 in the morning, but the idea of being thrown out to the living world? He would much rather jump out of this moving car and experience the real world  _ that way.  _

What was he even going to say? ‘Whichever college accepts me’? ‘Close his eyes and point at a list to see which way he wanted to take his life’? ‘Give the biggest step of his life to pure chance’?

“Will you quit nailing him with questions, Mom?” Zoe takes Evan off the hook.

“She was just asking a question, Zoe.” Her father defends his wife. It makes Evan feel as guilty as if he had spit Zoes words.

Zoe doesn’t respond to him with anything that they can see. Instead she leans back against her seat with a roll to her eyes before looking to the window.

Mrs. Murphy doesn’t ask him any more questions, and for that, Evan is eternally grateful.

 

Evan sits outside the hospital room when the family walks in. He knows he’s stepping over the line enough just by being here. The least he can do is give them all a moment. They knew what they almost lost, while the only change for Evan would have been just one less person to watch Jared insult in the morning. He shouldn’t be here, and he could feel it now more than ever.

He’s been on this level before when he would visit his mom at work for lunch two summers ago. He considers it a good sign that they were visiting the day she went to class. He knows he can’t just sit here until he manages to fry every last nerve he had.

Evan walks to the window at the end of the hallway, and for a moment he can just watch traffic drive by. His feet ich with the need to leave the building, but he’s stuck here until he can resolve this with Connor. Instead he walks down the adjacent hallway to the group of vending machines.

He looks into the glass of the machines. It’s well stocked, and Evan figures that’s about right since it’s the beginning of the month. Another civilian lines up behind him, waiting silently and patiently for him to make his decision. He wasn’t originally planning on getting anything, he just wanted to by himself time while Connor Murphy was probably denying even knowing him at this very moment. He still pulls two bills out of his pocket nonetheless.

He figures the chocolate would help cheer him up when he has to call his mother for a ride home and explain that he lied to Murphy family for no other reason than he could and understandably they wouldn’t give him a ride home. And that Zoe Murphy finally knew who he was, but unfortunately she met the  _ real  _ him, and unsurprisingly, she hates him as much as a nice girl like her can hate someone.

Just get the candy bar out of the vending machine and stop wasting this person's time, Evan.

His apology for making the stranger wait is avoiding eye contact and booking it out of  small corner with candy bar in hand.

 

“There you are.” Mrs. Murphy looked relieved to see him more than anything else. Mr. Murphy looked irritable and Zoe looked disinterested, but he figured that was normal. Evan doesn’t say anything about whatever Connor had said to discredits, but she doesn’t either. She doesn’t seem to suspect a single thing and Evan can’t help but feel that this is just a trap to see just how long Evan will hold out. “He wants to see you.” She smiles like her ‘mother's hunch’ about bringing had been right all along.

Evan only nods, but doesn't move to enter the hospital room. He would be stupid to think he was ready to be left alone with Connor, especially after Connor presumably just found out what Evans been doing and didn’t say otherwise to his mother. He’s probably going to owe Connor or however this works. “O-oh, now?” He stutters when the what's left of the Murphy family looks at him expectantly. 

“He’s waiting.” The mother says, and Evan finds relief that it’s only her who decides to speak with Evan, but he feels guilty that even she has to push him. And she’s unknowingly pushing him off the plank.

Evan dives in when he walks into the hospital room, and the family closes the door behind him. It feels like he’s walking into an interrogation room or better yet, an execution room, even though it still is a hospital room and Connor is glued into the bed and technically harmless with that many needles coming out of his arm. He can still tell Evan off and that’s all you  _ really  _ have to do to practically kill him.

He can hear his heart beating in his ears as he walks to the foot of the bed, silently, like a guilty man lining up to be shot, and Connor watches him like a hungry dog ready to attack. If there was anything Evan found worse than being screamed at, it was definitely this.

“I’m not going to kill you, alright? Keep your head together.” Connor speaks and it feels as though the words hurt Evan more than the broken silence. He learns that Connor must have gotten his permanently irritated frown from his father. Unlike Connor and more like his father, Connor holds his tongue from speaking further. Instead he watches him like an animal waiting to butchered. Evan felt a lot like one too. 

“Um I- I can- I can explain.” Evan stutters, knowing full well he probably can’t. He royally screwed up last time he tried to explain his place to Connor, and the hospital gown and ivs did nothing to make him any less intimidating.

He doesn’t say anything, and it’s clear he’s biting his tongue with avid frustration. He rolls his hand in a gesture for Evan to continue where he needlessly fell silent. 

“Right, right, they- um- they saw my letter, that I didn’t- I didn’t write for you to see! Or anyone really. It’s for therapy; ‘Dear Evan Hansen, today is going to be a good day and here’s why,’.” Evan spits and he has yet to fully explain the situation by just filling the air with facts he’s sure Connor already knows or Evan has already tried telling him.

“It said ‘it wasn’t going to be a good day, and why would it be’” Connor bites onto the excess information anyway.

“It was for therapy, and I was being honest, instead of optimistic like- like I was supposed to.” Evan said as fast a humanly possible, and it felt a little like he was choking. Connor looked at him like he was.

“That doesn’t explain why they think we're friends all of a sudden.” Connor seems to be biting back his oncoming anger, and Evan knows he’s running out of time before the bear snaps.

“They thought you wrote- that it was a suicide note, but you didn’t write one-like at all and-”

“Breathe! Fuck, kid.” The anger was gone when he interrupted Evan rambling. He just looked overworked, like even listening to Evan was the biggest pain of his evening. “I can’t fucking understand you, and looks like you’re about to pop a vein, and I swear the fuck if I get blamed for that.” He points, and Evan can see the anger bristling, but staying low.

“Right,right, right, sorry I didn’t meant to, I-”

“Take that pity party and tone it down five notches, I’m really not in the mood.”

“Sorry.”

“Don’t ‘sorry’ me, Hansen. I’m not the person for that kinda shit, alright? I want this conversation just as badly as you do, so if you could wrap this up please?” Connor bites, and it’s the flare of anger that Evan has been expecting, but it reels back once it’s flashed.

“They thought it was you suicide note. And- um, they thought we were friends because it was addressed to me? I guess- I- ah,” He picks at the end of his cast. “You said the we could pretend to be friends, and I thought that maybe this is what you meant? So- so I never told them otherwise.”

“I don’t plan anything out ahead.” He lies. “All this, the letter, it was nothing to me, and I meant nothing by pretending to be friends. Other than to be nice.” The lies taste better Connor's tongue more so than any truth will.

“I’ll tell them it was a mistake. I’m sorry that i- um I’m sorry,” Evan begins, and Connor quickly decides he doesn't want to hear any of it.

“Why did you go along with it?” Connor asks, and there doesn’t seem to be any underlying feeling to the question.

“Because you said-”

“Yeah, I know what I said, but why did  _ you  _ go along with it? I was a fucking jackass to you.” Connor says, and Evans first instinct is to defend anyone being insulted, regardless of background.

“I- I wound’t necessarily call you a-”

“Don’t kiss my ass, Hansen.”

“Right, sorry- I”

“Stop” 

Evan nods.

“You want to apologise again, don’t you.”

“Yes, very much so.”

“To bad, because if we’re going to be ‘friends’,” Connor makes air quotes with his fingers. “That shits gotta stop.” And Evan wants to ask what has helped him make up his mind so simply, and in an out of character decision no less. But that was before he recognized the smug look Connor looks at him with. Jared looks at him with something much similar, and the look read ‘free ticket’ or ‘a name to any excuse’. Parents had a tendency to trust Evan, and the fact that he’s alone in the hospital room with the Murphy's son right after he tried to commit suicide proved that fact enough. Any excuse Connor would dish out with Evans name on it, they would probably buy. Jared parents sure bought it.

He only nods in response.

“Come back soon, you have a facade to keep up.” 

Evan only nods, knowing full well he’s going to avoid doing that. Instead he pulls out the candy bar from his pocket.

“Here.” He hands it over, and Connor eyes it before slowly taking the peace offering in front of him. “Hospital food sucks.” Evan explains anyways.

Connor laughs like it was an actual joke, and it’s a strange sound. You never realize how little someone laughs until you hear it, and even though Evan doesn’t have much experience, he can hear the dust blowing off the laugh like it’s been untouched for years. 

Evan decides then is the best time to take his leave. Leaving on the best note always seemed to do the best in social interactions, or at least that was what his therapists said. He’s never really had a good note to leave on until now.

“Soon, Hansen. I meant it.”

“Of course.”

 

Evan comes back two days later, after carefully planning when his mother wouldn’t be there, and timing his appearance between ‘coming back too soon and seeming desperate’ and ‘coming back so much later, he doesn’t even care’. He doesn’t want to ask Jared for a ride. It would break the silence they’ve both been working on for the past couple days. Jared is mad at him for something, he’s sure of it, although he doesn’t know if it has anything to do with Connor. He seemed to be himself enough when he had texted him about Zoe. Speaking of which, he had asked her for a ride to the hospital and she kindly agreed.

She only drops him off at the front, and when he asks if she were coming up to visit her brother. She ominously replied to that with ‘My brother isn’t here.’ He would be stupid to believe that Connor was her favorite relative, or even close second, but the way she said it was so cold and uncaring.

It wasn’t at all like her. The Zoe he knew looked after her brothers victims, and tried to defend the little guy rather than pick a side. Did she really only see someone that hurt people in her brother? Evan couldn’t speak much on that fact, but he could acknowledge that Connor was fighting that anger. Even Evan could see it in such a short conversation.

 

“You’re avoiding your mom.” Connor says instead of a greeting.

“Oh, no I-” Evan doesn’t have an explanation other than he didn’t want to have to go through an explanation with  _ her.  _ (Much less Connor, but that's where he was now) “It’s just a coincidence, I guess.” Evan says and he knows he isn't believable.

Connor visibly holds his tongue.

“ _ Right,  _ how long do you plan on staying?” He asks instead. Evan tries to ignore how his eyes watch him when he takes a seat at the corner of room. He looks like he wants to comment on it.

“I’m not going to  _ bite,  _ Hansen.” He grumbles, but the fire is falling from it like it was sand instead, and it shows the insulted insecurity underneath.

“R-right, I was just um-” Evan scrambles for an excuse to insist that he really wasn’t scared when he was terrified because he always says the wrong thing, and Connor doesn’t have the patience for the wrong things said like most people do. 

“Just-!” Connor starts and he looks like he just swallowed his tongue with intentions of doing better. Evan wants to laugh; trying to do better will only cause them to choke. Evan forces nonchalance into his posture, like he hadn’t just heard the outburst. He figures that would be the best for the both of them. “How long do you plan on staying?” Connor asks with practiced patience, it sounds so much like he’s talking through gritted teeth to keep himself from shouting. Evan wants to thank him for his patience, but he knows better than to mention the anger Connor was trying to douse.

“I- ah-um I don't know? I don’t want to stay too long- to make you uncomfortable, I mean.” Evan mumbles, shoving his hands under his legs to keep himself from picking at his nails again.

“It looks like I’m making you uncomfortable, instead of the other way around.” Connor just says out loud. Evan snaps up to defend against that statement.

“That’s- that’s not, I’m not-”

“I know I’m not jumping to fucking conclusions here, Hansen. You’re steadily losing your shit. You don’t have to sit here and watch me rot.” Connor bites and it’s like a red flag to the oncoming anger that's beginning to simmer and working its way to boiling. There was no way Evan going disarm the ticking bomb.

“I’m sorry-I”

“ _ Hansen.”  _

Evan looks up, watching the simmering slow.

“What the fuck are you apologising for?” Connor asks, and the last bit of anger is no longer recognizable. The statement was flooding with confusion, but this time it didn’t feed the anger, but rather, it extinguished it.

“I’m- um. I’m awful talking to people.” Evan pulls the hands out from underneath him, feeling brave. “It’s nothing personal, I promise. I can’t even talk to the nursing staff, heh.” Evan talks with his hands as if the syntrypical motion will be fuel to keep him talking steadily. 

When he looks at Connor, it doesn't look like he’s taken any of this personal. 

“How the hell did you survive a car ride with my mother?” Connor says, smug, and Evan knows all the hardships Jared has given him had prepared him for this. Everyone loves a good joke, and what bigger joke is there than himself.

“Not very well, now that you mention it.” Evan says, and for once in his visit he doesn't stutter. Connor snorts, and although it’s not exactly laughter, Evan does consider it a win.

“Right. Would it be easier if we just watch something on tv or?” Connor asks with controlled disinterest. It takes an embarrassing moment for Evan to remember what he was talking about.

“We don’t- we don’t have to if you don’t want to.” Evan says like it was a mouthful.

“It was a yes or no question, Evan.” Connor deadpans.

“Oh, right,well, uh” Evan swallows. He doesn't answer the original question. The answer was yes, god please yes. It was fill his ‘friend bonding time’ quota without having to socialize. Just watching television would be  _ godsend.  _

Connor looks very unimpressed with him, although Evan can’t remember a time where he looked impressed with him to begin with.

“Whatever.” Connor bites as he flips on the tv like a peace offering. Evan silents changes his seat to the cushioned chair at the bedside, and he does his best to ignore Connor watching him out of the corner of his eye. Connor doesn’t say anything about it either. “Do you have a Netflix account?” He says instead.

“Ye-yeah.” Evan croaks. 

“Thank fuck.”

 

“They made a movie after this?” Connor asks (probably to himself because Evan sure as hell doesn’t know the answer to this).

“After what?” Evan brilliantly says even though Connor had The Little Prince selected.

“It was a book.” Connor doesn’t seem to bothered by it. His curiosity has him blind to Evans lack of knowledge. He clicks the tab to read the description. It looked to be an average childrens movie. “Is this okay?” Connor asks in a tone that Evan couldn’t say no to even if he wanted to. Which wasn't a bad tone, necessarily. It was obvious that Connor was dead set on watching it.

“Yeah- yes it’s fine.” Evan squeaks, and the look Connor gives him seems to say ‘why did I even bother asking’. Evan isn’t sure. They both knew Evan wouldn’t say no by this point. (It was the exact habit that landed them is this situation.)

The movie was definitely made for a child. The world and the underlying meaning was obvious at the beginning. The protagonist's mother planned her day hour by hour and minute by minute. Connor had creatively called her a bitch, but was otherwise quiet. Evan didn’t have the nerve to insert any snide comments.

He could see it on Connor's face that a lot of the movie wasn’t in the book, but he didn’t seem to upset about it.

Evan found the bravery to add a comment when the elderly man got in his rusted scrap pile of a car and rolled through stop sign after stop sign at an impressive five miles an hour. 

“Oh, wow. He drives like me.” He barely says over a whisper, just in case Connor doesn't take comments kindly. Instead he does that weird snort instead of laughter, and his lips quirk in an expression fighting not to smile.

They fall back into comfortable silence, until the old man struggles with his health. The tears come quick and are hard to fight. He clenches his fist in a reminder that he wasn't alone and he would rather die than _cry in front of Connor Murphy._ But he can see the hunch is Connor's shoulder and the clench in his own fists. And Evan knows he should say something; acknowledge their tears. It was basic bonding, right?

Of course he doesn’t say a word, and the elderly man doesn’t die.

“I’m screaming if mom doesn't let her visit him at the hospital.” Connor say with a shaky voice still healing from tears. Evan know he won’t sound any better and it's a relieving feeling to know he’s not alone on this boat. It was like it released all the tension holding down his nerves, and it came out like a floodwater. He laughed until his cried again, and Connor grins as he watches Evan wipe the tear from his eye. Connor looks at him like he was awfully proud of himself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> next update is 11/2 bc I'm slow af writing this


	5. Pretending To Pretend

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Connor and Evan finally see eye to eye on a few things.

POVC

* * *

 

Evan began stopping by for an hour or two nearly everyday after school. He'd sit at the nurses desk and go quickly over his homework. Connor would usually give him shit for being a goody two shoes, and it was Connors special way of expressing jealousy that Evan could get it all done in forty minutes or less.

“I’m guessing you’re a popular choice when it comes to group projects?” Connor comments because he has nothing else to say, and it’s not like Evan will start a decent conversation without hurting himself. He looks over a sheet from pre-cal that Evan had just finished and Connor doesn’t have anything to note from it other than he has a curl in his 2’s.

“Why- what makes you say that?” Evan glances up only for a second before going back to his economics work.

“You’re a smart kid. You spit this work out like it’s nothing.” Connor doesn’t look up from the page in his hands. Evan doesn’t try to make eye contact.

“I well, It’s all on level stuff anyways.” Evan shrugs, and Connor wants to comment that he’s in on level as well, and it’s still not as easy as Evan is making it look Connor knows the only reason he wants to say it is to watch Evan spaze a little.

“You’re not in honors classes?” Connor says instead. He says it like he’s defending the mother that wanted to help Evan with his scholarship essays. Maybe he is defending her, because the way Evan is shuffling through this work; he’s not challenged in the slightest.

“No, no- I mean, I was.” Evan gives, and all Connor has to do is stay quiet to hear every detail about why. “Up until this year. I tried to get through it, but I was missing too many- I couldn’t keep up-”

“Your anxiety spiked? Junior year?” Connor puts Evan back on the rails before he could drown himself in excuses.

Evan looked at him with wide eyes. Connor guesses he probably shouldn’t have assumed, but it was already in the air. No turning back now.

“I can tell, Evan. It’s kind of obvious, but it’s whatever.” Connor shrugged, and he can tell by Evan forcing his eyes back to the desk that he didn’t take being called ‘obvious’ all to kindly. “I’m not exactly in the position to judge, Evan.” Connor says softer, and he knows it tasted like an apology.

Evan nods, and crosses his arms on the table as if to close himself off. Good going, Connor. Not everyone is calloused to your bullshit.

“I’m not popular in group projects, anyways.” Evan says, and he’s talented at hiding his fears when he needs to. Connor can’t help but be envious again. He doesn't understand how someone can still be suffering from a mental illness, but can still appear so well put together (or at least better put together than Connor was, but Connor did sorta leave the bar kind of low, so).

“I know this is hard to believe, but I’m usually chosen last for group projects.” Connor deadpans. He adds it like a closure to this conversation if Evan needed it to be. The economics paper Evan just finished looked interesting enough to entertain him for another five minutes.

Over the corner of the paper he can see Evans shoulders shake and he moves a hand to cover his mouth. He didn’t make Evan cry did he? He can’t do that. Well, he could make Evan cry; that’s easy. The hard part is owning up to it. He’s going to have to apologise without making him cry harder. FUCK.

Evan snorts laughter, and Connor makes an angry note to himself that that it was Evans laughter sounds like, instead of that bullshit reason he used to shove Evan. But, thank fuck he wasn’t crying. This was immensely better. Connor could own up to this.

“I’m sorry.” He can tell Evan almost painfully choked down his laughter. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to laugh.” He says quickly and Connor can’t help, but blame himself for that kind of reaction. Connor had an awful habit of hurting those around him, and apparently Evan couldn’t even fucking laugh around him out of fear that Connor would come after him unprovoked.

“Stop, I don’t need you apology shit.” He says instead of apologising himself. He knew better than to even try that, but Evan doesn’t respond other than ducking his head and moving back to his homework. “We could be group partners or something.” Connor tries to reach a hand out the best he could, but of course he has his pride stopping him from saying anything completely nice. “And by that I mean, you do the nerd stuff and I’ll present or some shit.” He leans back in his chair and watches Evan hesitate writing out whatever short answer he had on his English homework.

“You- you don't have to.” Evan mumbles, and Connor has come to learn that’s his passive way of saying he didn’t want Connor to do that.

“Why?” Connor gives his patience a try. He has a better luck getting an answer out of him if he doesn’t make himself intimidating. He can get why Evan wouldn’t want to partner with him. Working with strangers would be better than with someone you know for certain will scream their head off at you. But he though they have made some progress past that. Connor was on a four day streak since he blew up at the nurse, and even that wasn’t as bad as it usually was. He was allowed to be proud of the progress, right? But no one but Evans mother had acknowledged that progress, and not even her had known just how far he has gotten. But what has getting better gotten him?

“You don’t have to pretend to be my friend in front of me. This is for your parents, right?” Evan says with a ducked head.

 _Nowhere._ His progress has gotten him nowhere. Evan visited almost every day and it Connor was stupid enough to think that Evan was there to _visit him._ Of course Evan wouldn’t. He stole this poor kids therapy/suicide note, whatever the hell that thing was, and pushed him in the hall, screamed in his face, and then wrote his fucking name on him on permanent ink. It was only fair, right?

Except he lied to Connor's face. He lied to his parents face and probably to his own mother. The others didn’t have all the facts and could conceivably be tricked relatively easily, but Connor knew the whole story and _still_ believed they were developing some sort of friendship.

People like Evan don’t make friends with people like Connor. There was nothing Connor could do to stop that. Evan was just fulfilling his side of the facade, because that’s all it was. None of this was real. None of the binge watching netflix shows and homework meant anything. All it did was give Connor a taste of what it’s like to not be alone, and maybe if he had _that,_ maybe everything would be different.

“Get out. Now.” Connor stands from his spot at the desk. It took everything in him not to scream and it felt like he was lying to himself to do it. Who he really was is angry _all of the time._ He was lying to his nurse, and to his family when they came to see him, and to Evan, but Evan _knew_ better.

Evan quickly shoves his papers back into his bag. He doesn’t even question what had set Connor off. Connor is sure he already knows, and was just waiting for him to snap. He watched him clean of the desk with shaking hands like some sort of monster was standing behind him, and Connor knew that was painfully accurate.

But then Evan does something Connor hadn’t expected; Evan looks him in the eye. It was out of character from the persistently terrified kid that Connor knew. It was as if Connor hadn’t told him to leave out of nowhere, it was as if Evan acted like _he_ had said something he shouldn’t have. Evan opens his mouth, but snaps it shut. Connor wanted to know what he had to say. He wanted Evan to fight him back, but he knew he wouldn’t. Instead Evan loads his backpack onto his shoulders and hauls ass out of the room.

 

Connor lays back on his bed with nothing else to do. Usually Evan would stay till about six so they could both catch up on Stranger Things, but when Connor turned on his TV, the ‘Evan’ profile name on Netflix stared him down. He could have sworn they were becoming actual friends.

He throws the remote at the wall as hard as he possibly could, but letting the anger out wasn’t a relief like he hoped it would. All it did was stem more rage, and he throws his head as hard as he could back onto his pillow. He wants to slam his head into the railing. He wants to make his hands destructive, and they clench with the need to do something and they bury his nails into the flesh of his palm.

The door swings open with no knock, but the intruder beats him to rude greetings.

“What the hell did you say to Evan?” Zoe spits as she approaches the the end of the bed. Connor doesn’t see his sister, but rather an outlet. He doubted she saw her brother in him anyways.

“None of your fucking business.” He bites back, every word fueling his want to get out of bed and use his hands for destruction.

“Well, thanks to you, I had to give _your friend_ some personal space because he started having a panic attack the moment he got in my car.” She raises her voice above his, and it makes a blow to Connors anger. The guilt taints his mood and turns his anger against himself. _He did this, he fucked up._ He grips his fists tight to dig deeper into the wounds his nails had already made, but he needed more. _This was the reason he was in the hospital in the first place._

Zoe wasn’t planning on stopping in to see him, he thinks only to feed his self hatred.

He drove Evan right into a panic attack. He thinks he feels blood in his fist.

Evan only cared about this game of pretend so he could get to Zoe. It explained the peculiar line on the note, and it made sense other than Evan never mentioned Zoe or asked about her. What information on his sister could he possibly have that wasn’t public knowledge?

“He’s not my friend.”

“Well no, not anymore, I’d imagine.” She rolls her eyes as she digs into her own backpack.

“Is that all you came here for? To bitch me out?” Connor sits up in his bed, and his sister flinches. Good, she better be fucking scared. He’s had enough of this.

“Evan said you probably didn’t want these.” Zoe says disinterested as she drops a pile of cards from strangers onto his bedside. She doesn’t say by and she doesn't wait for Connor say anything back. It would be inulsts and ugly words anyways. Unlike Evan, she doesn’t even look at him before she leaves. Connor didn’t know the worth of acknowledgement until he was faced with someone who wouldn’t give it to him.

He wants to call after her; chase her away faster with his yelling. Or maybe needlessly defend himself from what was obvious. Or just so he can get the last word.

He knows from experience that having the last word won’t make him feel any better, but he can’t help but want to try. But she’s gone and she’s sure to not come back anytime soon.

At least the tv shut off when he threw the remote. He doesn’t pick it up, it would feel too much like he was betraying the nurses trust. He doesn’t know how that is even related, but he sits in bed as a boy who refuses to grow past throwing temper tantrums.

He uses his leftover anger to glare down the wall in front of him, and it takes three minutes for him to burn out.

He picks up the first card of the stack with nothing better to do. Evan was right when he said he wouldn’t have wanted these. It bothered him that Evan could know his hypothetical reaction just like that. They hadn’t talked much other than snide comments shared between each other during tv shows. He didn’t know Evan all that well, other than he wishes he could stay in honors classes like he used to and he takes so much after his mother that it makes Connor wonder what ever happened to his dad. They weren’t friends. Hell, they barely stopped being strangers.

The first card is full of cheap online inspirational quotes; none of which Connor can take at face value because they’re all so fake. They didn’t even have the appearance of care like Evan did. At least that kid could make Connor believe he cared. He wanted Evan to come back. He wanted his awkward silence, because it seemed it was only words that would set Connor off. He made Connor think he cared by just showing up, and Connor so stupidly bought it. That’s all it took for Connor to make a fool of himself. All Evan had to do was show up.

He skims through the cards, some words bother him more than others. Some kids recollect the time he had shoved them in the hall or yelled at them, and they all say they forgive him. Charming what guilt will make people say. All it did was remind him that this would have been what he remembered for. He was the school's terrorizer that only managed to make himself useful when he got rid of the problem he started in the first place.

Further down the stack is a scribble ridden card not unlike any of the others, but in the corner of the back page where it would be hard to find if Connor just hadn’t been bored out of his mind, and taking time reading every note, there was a ‘For what it’s worth, I’m sorry. -CareJare’.

He reads it over again, expecting more. More explanation, more retaliation, more _anything._ But it’s short and simple and Connor doesn’t knows it’s unlike him to be this straightforward. Evan reminded him of Jared from time to time. They both talked around things they’d rather not say, but Evan would always slip and spill more than what he was avoiding. It wasn’t his fault Jared was so much better than spitting everything but the truth.

But the line was unlike Jared, and Connor wonders how he’s taking it while he hides like a coward in the crowd of grieving strangers. He wants to look for an ulterior motive behind this. Jared threw away any idea of them just growing away from each other silently. He decided to follow Connors style, and make their fallout as loud and painful and long as he could stand. Jared held onto that, and it's _this_ that makes him retreat his attack?

Connor wants to be grateful that it’s finally come to an end, but he’s angry. This whole pity party on Connor's behalf was to be expected from strangers that didn’t know that the villain had failed to fall. But Jared? He saw him for what he was and made an ass out of himself and Connor. He knew what Connor was, and decided _to make him worse._

Jared had made his decision, and no amount of being sorry will change the damage made to Connor. Jared would be wasting his breath, but he did that alot anyways. Jared...Connor just wanted him to disappear. He wanted to disappear from Jared. He wanted to disappear from them all before Connor could turn them into the monsters he had turned Jared into.

The card crumples in his fist when he clenches his hand. The words Jared had written out in ink where blurring together with tears. The sobs wracked his chest and it felt like his lungs were being squeezed. Everytime he took a shaky breath in it fueled the harsh rattering of tears coming through his heaving. He was drowning.

He remembers how his mother fought to fix him when Connor wouldn’t even fight himself. The look she had when she walked in the hospital room a week ago said she knew she lost the battle and she’ll lose the war eventually. His dad only looked at him like he was ready to see the end of the fighting, and if that meant the end of his first born son, then so be it. It was the one thing Connor would agree with Larry about. He just wanted the fight to be done with, and he was trying to help _but it’s just not working._

The card drops to a crumbled mess on his lab as he drags his nail across his scalp. The sensation wasn’t enough so he fisted his hands once more and his hair pulled through his fists and yet no matter how hard he yanked, he couldn’t pull that much hair out at once. His failure seemed to give him some sort of level.

He doesn’t say anything when the next nurse comes in, or the next. He doesn’t eat his dinner that night or breakfast the next morning. He stares at the wall in front of him with purpose instead of sleeping. He doesn’t have any outlet for his anger, and he doesn’t try to let it out. It doesn’t fill his body like a filling reservoir like he thought it would. The less the anger managed to escape Connors control, the less it grew.

 

“You alright, Connor?” Nurse Hansen speaks up beside him.

“You’ve been gone.” Connor only says the obvious. She has been gone for only four days, but for a nurse who doesn’t seem to take any days off, it’s strange.

“I was taking exams for school, I’m sorry. I should’ve let you kn-”

“Don’t apologise to me.” Connor replies weakly. He can feel the animal in his veins and every second that he keeps it on it’s leash, it eats away at his energy.

“But I am sorry, Connor.” She reiterates. “I did you wrong and I owe you an apology.” She says like Connor was some sort of person who deserved to be treated as such. _Right._

“How much longer to lunch? I’m starving.” Connor says instead and he sounds more like himself.

“It says here you haven’t eaten since lunch yesterday.” She was reading off some bullshit the other nurses wrote. “What happened? Did any of the other nurses upset you?” She says ‘upset’ like it wasn’t a common occurrence. Like Connor being upset was something to concern oneself with other than avoiding him.

“No.”

“It says here that you’ve been having an young gentleman visiti-”

“Those nurses don’t know what they’re talking about!” Connor interrupts. He knows Evan doesn’t want his mother to know what he’s been up to. It’s understable, since he was forced to visit a stranger and pretend to be his friends even though Connor was one of Evans bullies. But when he lets his anger out to snap at nurse Hansen it doesn’t grow. It shrivels back onto himself and only makes him want to get the hell out of this situation. He was scared of letting Evans mother know exactly what Evan didn’t want her to know. He couldn’t cost him another panic attack ontop of a number he didn't even know.

Connor considered Evan a friend, and just because Evan doesn’t see Connor the same way doesn’t mean that Connor will throw him under the bus. That’s what friends do, right? _Right?_

He watches her skim through the pages written over him as of late and he knows Evans name comes up on the report somewhere. He’s sure all of his visitors names are listed there. Connor doesn’t know what to say to stop her other than making a complete ass of himself. Even then she would still read over the reports because that’s her fucking job.

When she pauses, glances to her patient and then back to whatever line she had been reading, is when Connor knows he’s out of time.

“Why…?” She’s at a loss for words, and Connor doesn’t know how to explain when all he’s ever done is yell in the face of uncertainty.

“Don’t ask him about it. Okay? He’ll probably pop a fucking vein or something.” Connor says and she winces at the last sentence. Yeah, not the best thing to say to the face of this kids mother, but better than the alternative. “Do _not_ ask him about this. He won’t be back.” He grits his teeth and hopes she takes him seriously. Evan has enough skin in this bullshit setup as it is. He wasn’t supposed to be involved, and Connor will do his best to keep him out of it.

“He left along with your sister before dinner yesterday.” She places them accountable for Connors odd behavior. Only Connor was the one responsible for Connor and he didn’t understand how it wasn’t obvious to her. “What happened?” She asks like Connor was the victim in all of this. She couldn’t have had it any more wrong.

“None of your fucking business.” He says through his teeth.

“Are you friends?” She asks like she knows. Apparently she _did_ know.

“Apparently not so you don’t have to worry about him coming back!” He digs his nails into his palm again.

She retreats with her questions, but the anger that Connor has allowed to show is hungry for more conflict.

“Don’t. Say. A. Word. To. Him.” His boiling blood punctuates every word.

 

Connor knows that she did. It’s the only reason Evan would have to show up a few hours before her shift ended.

He knocks and enters, and his fingers are wound so tightly together it looked like he was trying to break them. He doesn’t say anything, and it looks like he was choking on his own breath.

“Breathe, Hansen.” Connor reminds because he’d rather not be responsible for yet another breakdown. Evan audibly does as told.

“Right, sorry-I” Evan starts and Connor has made a decision that he hates hearing this kid apologise over nothing.

“Stop.” Connor reprimands. He tries to remind himself where he stands in all of this; what he had caused the other day due to his outburst. He didn’t want Evan to be scared of him, but that didn’t stop Connor from chasing him with a temper that he couldn’t control. “I should be apologising.” He says even though he knows when he would try to do just that it’s sure to turn ugly. He hopes the statement gets the point across enough.

“I- I misunderstood you.” Evan starts and Connor doesn’t think he can almost apologise again, but then he clarifies. “Yesterday, I mean. I had assumed that- that uh, you only wanted me as sort of a free ticket for your parents.” Evan says it like he wasn’t sure himself. Most of what Evan said was said like a question. Evan was partially right, though. He only really agreed to this because his family fucking loved Evan and if Evan was Connor's friend, then Connor couldn’t be so bad, right? “Not that- not that I’m not willing to do that, because that’s no problem, like at all. I do that for Jared all the time.” Connor didn't doubt that. “Sorry, I should have brought Jared up. I- uh, oh, jeez, sorry, I mean-” Evan quickly derailed.

“Hansen. Breathe for fucks sake.” Connor rolled his eyes to make a show of disinterest, but he still waited for Evan to continue.

“Right, right.” Evan frantically digs in his pocket before handing Connor another chocolate bar. At first Connor doesn’t take it, but rather just looks at it skeptically. “It’s a peace offering. I didn’t think you saw me as a friend for real so I just assumed- I’m sorry, I really didn’t mean to upset you.”

Connor doesn’t really respond. He still doesn’t like being apologised to, but he takes the candy from Evans hand.

“Friends?” Evan asks, and this time Connor knows it’s a real question.

“Is that even a question, sit your ass down so we can finally finish the first season.” Connor says because he can’t give that a straightforward answer. He knows that if apologising is bad, trying to answer that question would be a nightmare. Evan seems to understand; he’s spent enough time with Jared to understand the language of the asshole.

Connor still breaks the candy bar and half and gives it to Evan once he’s takes his seat next to Connor. “Thanks.” He smiles. With the nagging over even the possibility that Evan could doubt where he stood on this whole ‘friendship‘ business, Connor smiles back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> next update is at 11/8


	6. Catching Up

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jared tries his best to understand what Evan won't tell him, and maybe he'll have a chance to be the friend he never was to Evan or Connor. Or maybe he'll just screw up again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This title is ironic because I'm so behind on writing I just finished this not even an hour ago

POVJ

 

Evan returns to school lost in thought and glued to his phone. Jared would have thought it was the start of another one of his off days, but he had been gone for the better half of this week. He probably just ran out of days he could skip in a row and was forced to show his face anyways.

Which means he was still having this off day feeling.

Which means Jared needs to behave himself.

It was his chance to make Evan understand that Jared didn’t have to be avoided on his bad days. It was his chance to make Evan understand that Jared could be his friend if _Evan could just see him that way._

“You texting Zoe?” He fakes a grin and plays the role of some sort of wing man. “You sly dog.” He gives Evans shoulder a gentle punch since it looked like he was spacing out to the point of deafness. Evan did finally react but he acted as if Jared had really punched him. He stumbles a few feet back, and he’s shaking hard. The looks of fear that flashes in his eyes scares even Jared.

Jared quickly raises his hands like he was surrendering because it looked like Evan didn’t quite believe Jared wouldn’t hurt him. He has no idea what stirred a response like this out of Evan other than that stupid anxiety disorder of his will make an enemy out of anyone.

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to spook you.” Jared says quietly and he felt a lot like he was trying to talk a criminal out of it’s hostage. That sounded right, considering Evan probably was some sort of hostage to whatever the hell was wrong with him.

Evan doesn’t completely let his guard down, but the bomb ticking down to a meltdown had stopped ticking so Jared could consider that a win.

“Yeah, no- no it’s nobody.” Evan does his best to go back to whatever they were talking about. He tucks his phone back into his pocket to insist his point that Jared very much did not buy.

And then his phone chimes in his pocket, and Evan looks like he’s holding his breath in hopes to keep a straight face. Jared just stares at him, waiting for him to pull his phone out and check it and prove himself wrong. The bell rings before that happens.

“Right, I’ll catch you later.” He takes Evan off the hook himself, and walks on to his next class.

 

He makes the first move during study hall when he takes his seat next to Evan.

“You know the rule, you’re not allowed to sit next to me.” Is what Evan says although he doesn’t look up from his papers. Why the hell is he worried so much about his homework during school hours? And then, as if Evan just found himself, or more than likely, caught himself thinking aloud, he snaps up to look at Jared. “Sorry, that was- that was rude, I didn’t mean to-”

Jared couldn’t say he was upset by Evans snappy attitude. Although it was extremely out of character for him, he can’t help but feel relieved to be proven that Evan didn’t live his life completely glass half full.

“Wow, where did you get that spunk from?” Jared grins, but Evan shakes his head as if to dismiss the entirety of this conversation.

“Did you need something?” Evan avoids the topic. Evan, who makes a point to leave every question answered, even if it was rhetorical. Evan, who only dodges a question when he wants to subject to be dropped. It was just a rhetorical question that Jared didn’t even think about, but the with the way Evan tossed the question out, he had an answer to it.

It didn’t take much thought for Jared to get the answer; Connor.

He had really wanted forget that tidbit of information. It was pretty easy considering Evan wasn’t talking about Connor (or anything else, really), and Zoe had already gotten what she needed out of Jared so there was no more need to inform him of anything.

“What did you need my help for the other day?” Jared asks, and he’s starting to piece together how Evan ended up being Connors friend. Well, not exactly. He knows Evan was probably lying out of his ass because students have been interrogating other students on whether or not they knew Connor Murphy. But Evan had some how managed to make even Zoe believe it.

“Nothing, I got it sorted out.” Evan turns back to his homework. Jared wonders what exactly ‘sorted out’ meant. Jared doesn’t respond, and he had no idea that Evan was waiting for his snarky commentary. “Like _you_ told me to?” Evan doesn’t look at him. Jared doesn’t think Evan could say anything that passive aggressive looking directly at anybody. The Evan Jared knows would never leave a statement like that standing without an empty apology tied to it. The Evan Jared knew wouldn’t have made a statement like that to begin with.

Evan proves him wrong by ignoring his friend sitting beside him in favor of finishing up another assignment.

This causes a bouquet of feelings for Jared. One being that he’s happy to get a taste of Evans truer thoughts. He’s not sure how he’s managed to piss Evan off to the point where this saint of a kid loses his filter, but at least they weren’t playing this stupid game of ‘friends’. Another feeling is that Jared hates how shitty he feels knowing that he’s turned his saint of kid into this. One more feeling being if Evan really did pick up this attitude from Connor, what did that mean of Connors opinion of him? Sure, he knew Connor would push Jared into moving traffic if given the chance, but he could turn his back to Evan at a busy street corner, right? Right?

He hadn’t considered the possibility of them being friends because they both disliked him. They were as polar opposite as people could get, but a shitty friend named Jared was probably the one thing they had in common (along with crippling mental illness, but hey, irrelevant).

He wants to say that the way Evan was acting wasn’t like the Evan he knew, but the Evan before this one was still new to him too. He knew Evan growing up, as kids. He was learning the Evan who struggled with anxiety. He had no fucking clue who this moody kids was, or if it was still Evan and this is just how he is on bad days. Yeah, he forgot to put that into account.

“So how’s talking to Zoe?” Jared grins, and changes the subject in hopes to knock off Evans attitude.

“Fine.” He says in short. Jared lets him gives into his urges, and he knows that getting Evan to talk will give him _some sort of freaking explanation._ “We don’t talk a lot. We don’t have a lot to talk about. She mainly just gives me rides.” He flicks his pencil  in his hands. It would be an impressive trick if Jared didn’t know Evan could only do it because it was an alternative to picking at his nails.

“Rides? Where to?” Jared plays stupid and wiggles his eyebrows, although he could have sworn there would have been only one hospital visit between Evan and Connor. Evan could lie his way to that point, but there was no way Connor was going to let that fly. Unless Evan wasn’t going to his room, but rather wandering around the hospital to waste time and keep up his little lie.

“Therapy, and sometimes we get lunch or go to the park.” He shrugs. He says it like he’s talking about the weather. Jared hates that there’s no discernible trait in his expression to give away his lies. He’s good at what he does. If Jared didn’t have some more fill in information, he wouldn’t have been the wiser. He idly thinks that Evan would make a fantastic lawyer if the job wasn’t so stressful.

“Has she said anything about Connor?” Jared tries to worm the conversation that way. If Evan doesn’t see Jared catching up on him he can probably get the whole story out of him. Jared usually doesn’t have to play Evan to get the truth like this. Evan hadn’t lied to this extent to Jared since he started to go to therapy. Then again, Evan would come to Jared first when he couldn’t keep up with his made up stories, and this was the one time Jared turned a blind eye and he’s trying to figure out how to see the truth.

It’s near impossible to get real story out of Evan once he’s started weaving false stories together. Part of the reason he’s such an inept liar is because a part of him believes he is telling the truth. All the best liars tell the truth or so he heard. He want’s to see Evan try to make him believe his web of lies.

“They don’t seem to be on the best terms… at all.” Evan continues with his essay paper like it was far more important. Jared is jealous that he can’t even cross his fingers and lie believingly while Evan can lie well and do a freaking english essay. But all liars tell some truth, and Jared was pretty sure that statement was one of the few Evan didn’t make up.

“Yeah, I can see that.” Jared tries to lighten the expression on Evan face with a badly placed chuckle. Jesus christ, this kid should go into acting or something. Evan honestly looks a little torn about that topic. “Connor seems a bit hard to handle.” Jared says it like it’s an understatement because it is.

Evan snapped up like he had just been insulted (no, he could insult Evan all day and he wouldn’t react. It was like he insulted Yellowstone or something). “That’s not- He’s trying, Jared. Maybe if you’d stop prodding him like a wild animal-” Evan cuts off and pointedly turns back to his essay with a tight grip on his pencil.

Oh.

_Oh._

Jared almost believed that.

There was the partial truth; if Jared would stop harassing Connor, maybe things would be a little different. But Jared can only spot the lie because of the time he knew Connor. Connor, who wasn’t exactly looking to be better, but rather to just looking for a way to finish what he began. The Connor he knew was stewing in depression and a vast array of anger issues. Connor had to be well tender considering how long he took just marinating in it all, and it wasn’t until a week ago when he was finally fully cooked. He wasn’t looking to be better, was what Jared's point was.

“Since when did you know him?” Jared dives right in. If Evan was going to be playing this game, he might as well have his facts right. The look that flashes across Evans face says that he hasn't lied to himself that far yet. Whatever response Jared is waiting on, he knows it’s going to be on the spot.

“I-I don’t know, Jared.” Evan looks at him like he didn’t think Jared was expecting him to respond. He finally got him. Evan is finally going to backtrack on everything he’s said. “We’re in the same school since pre-k. He’s just one of those people that you just talk to without thinking about it.” Evan shrugs before looking Jared right in the eye. “He didn’t want you to know.” He lies right in his face. Evan doesn’t even blink. “I’m sorry, but he kinda had a point.” Evan fiddles with his pencil. Jared doesn’t know if he’s angry at Evan or himself for not being able to tell the truth from the lies. He hates that he’s so sure that Connor not wanting Jared to know was probably a truth. “I can understand if you're mad at me, but-” Was Evans response to Jared's silence.

“I’m not mad. I don’t care.” Jared swallows the feeling of letting Evan go. This wouldn’t last long anyways. Evans stories never last long.

Evan nods and turns back to his work in order to ignore the awkward lack of anything to say. He rests the weight of his cast on the table in front of him and Connors names is written across it in big bold letters. Jared remembers when Evan had asked him to sign it; they weren’t friends and he made a point not to sign it. Now his point has turned against him in the form of Connor Murphy's signature.

It wasn’t until Evan was covering it self consciously that he realized Evan was looking at him again. “I was thinking…” He starts, but it doesn’t look like he’s too keen on sharing his idea. Jared hums for him to continue. “Um, maybe you could- Connor is staying the weekend at my place next weekend- not - not this weekend, but um- it’s stupid.” Evan reprimands himself before turning back to his work. Connor staying over at Evans? Connor would never consider playing along with Evans games if there was nothing for him to gain. And there was absolutely nothing he could gain, unless…

“Maybe I could- what?” Jared prompts.

“I was thinking maybe you could apologise? If you want to of course- I don’t want you to if you don’t meant to or anything- but I just thought- since-”

“What all has he said about me?” Jared has a feeling he knows where he was going. This was all to elaborate to just get back at Jared, but when Jared did what he could to make school life miserable for seven years, and especially when Evan just falls in the line of operatunity like he did, well..

“Nothing really- he doesn’t like to bring you up, so I thought if he could put this behind him-” Evan had no idea what _this_ was. Jared would give Connor credit for leaving Evan out of as much as he could.

“No, you and your boyfriend can make out without me.” Jared holds his temper in favor of pretending he didn't care one way or the other.

“It’s a week from now, and you don't have to stay.” Evan spits out before Jared can completely ignore everything Evan says. He doesn't even defend himself against Jared and he doesn't think he really heard it. Evan only defends himself from things that are actually true so at least Jared had some sort of truth to hold onto. “Just think about it, please?” And Evan gives this pleading look that Jared would have a hard time turning away from.

Jared decides he won't fall victim to it. “I’ll be sure to stop by your funeral to pay my respects.” Jared stands from his chair, taking advantage of the fact that he hadn't gotten any homework out to work on and slow him down from his dramatic exit.

“Funeral?” Evan looks thoroughly confused and Jared wants to laugh from how stupid this kid is.

“He's going to freaking kill you.” Jared tries to get him to understand. Connor is impatient and a fight first ask questions later kind of person. There is no way in hell Evan is going to be able to handle him, and his _is_ going to make Evan pay for running his mouth. “Why the hell would he play along with this bullshit, Evan?”

He tries to keep his voice down, but he just can't let Evan get hurt to this extent. As much as he wants to let Evan to learn his freaking lesson, Connor is going to _destroy_ him. The people in close range are already looking over and he can see Evan start to count the amount of eyes on him.

“Why would he even- Evan,  you have got to see he's setting you up for _something._ ” Jared tries to warn, but Evan is much busier worrying about the people around him.

“Leave.” Evan weakly squeaks. “Please.” Even Jared could hear the tears coming into his voice and he wishes he could just ignore that too.

“You can’t keep doing this. One of these days you’re going to lose control and I can’t fix it, Evan.” He spits his name like it was better than other insult he could come up with, and he could come up with some pretty colorful ones right about now.

But his energy to drag Evan right there on the spot is metaphorically punched out of him when he can see the shaking in Evans hands and the hunch of his shoulder and the expression that closely matched that of a choking man being force fed spiders. Jared would have much rather been punched in the gut literally.

Jared had seen an anxiety attack once or twice in his life. He wasn’t the most mentally healthy kid on the block, but at least he hadn’t had to experience his body trying to kill itself via an attack of his entire freaking nervous system. He reminded himself to put that on his list of things he’s thankful for when he witnessed Evans anxiety attack the second time. The first time he just thought Evan had taken out of date meds and was in the process of dying very loudly.

He doesn’t think he’d want to know what it was like. Watching Evan go through it and knowing there was not a goddamn thing he could other than keep his mouth fucking shut so he couldn’t make it worse. He doesn’t think he could watch Evan go through on and _know_ what it’s like. The not knowing hurts as bad as it is.

Evan has those kinds of anxiety attacks that you see on tv. The shaking is visible, and when his lungs finally start working again they pump air so quickly he doesn't have a chance to breathe.It was so loud and so unlike Evan. His body works so hard it works itself to the ground. He always drops to the ground, he always covers his eyes, he always finishes covered in his own tears. It hurts _Jared_ to see, and he doesn’t want to know what it’s like for Evan.

Jared watches it happen a third time.

Jared had caused the first panic attack he ever saw in Evan, and he had no idea what was wrong or how it was his fault. The second was because of something his mother had said. The third was once again by Jared and he was aware it was his fault and he felt the guilt for it for the first time. Funny how Evan is terrified of strangers, but it’s the ones he knows that hurt him.

“Up. Now.” Jared says because Evan is running out of time fast and he’s not going to let his classmates fuel this more. Jared was at fault and he didn’t want any help in this. Evan does what he always does when he is spoken to in an authoritative tone which is he _always_ follows orders. Jared briefly remember that's was how he had gotten Evan do to his homework the majority of seventh grade.

Once he’s up and moving Jared can’t tell him where to go anymore. His fears and frying nerves are driving him anywhere but here. Jared feels like he’s holding his breathe as Evan walks past the teacher and towards the doors as if he were watching a horror movie and the murder was just around the corner. It was impending doom and he was waiting to watch it happen in front of him. If she says anything to Evan it’s very likely that he’d just drop where he was and had the meltdown there.

Luckily she, like all of Evans other teachers, have been notified to not stop him when he needs to leave. She doesn’t stop Jared from following after him because making sure he just didn’t go missing was part of her job.

He stays a ways away even though he wasn’t sure if Evan was all to aware of his surroundings at this point. He has to jog to keep up with Evans longer legs, but it won’t be but another thirty or so seconds before Evans nerves are done in the deep fryer and he drops.

Evan makes it to the almost abandoned robot lab hall. The only traffic that always had was  the door to the robotics class at the beginning and the door that led to the buses at the very end. Jared sits around the corner to give Evan the illusion of privacy, but waits out the heaving like it was some sort of clear sign.

He doesn’t think of what he should say to Evan after this, or if he should. He can't think at all with the sound of Evan suffocating not even twenty feet away. He wishes they were closer so that he would know what to do. He wishes how to not drive him to this in the first place. He wishes he was better so that Evan could be better.

‘You can’t help someone unless you help yourself’ he thinks in an someone else's voice because it was a phrase everyone has heard a million times. He’s pretty sure he’s said it to Evan too. He doesn’t know when Evan had stopped choking on air, but he’s finally quiet again. Jareds pretty sure he’s crying, but it’s quiet like Evan is supposed to be.

He stands and takes his seat next to Evan on the old school carpeting. He doesn’t say anything and Evan probably doesn’t want him to anyways. He just sniffles and wipes his tears with the palm of his hand. He’s still hurting, but he pulls his outward appearance back together like a well constructed lie, and Jared knew how good he was at that.

“You alright?” Jared asks even though it was more of a way to start this conversation easier than it had earlier.

Evan nods, but it was becoming obvious the answer was no. He won’t be able to go back to class like this. He was easily one loud noise away from tears. He was out of energy, and there was no fully coming back especially when faced with high school.

“Right, c’mon-” Jared stands, letting go of their earlier conversation. “We got thirty minutes left of the free period and I don’t want to be late.”

The look Evan gives him a look of confusion. At least, that was what he thought it was; it was hard not to focus on the red tear tracks on Evans face that wouldn’t go away with a wipe of his hand. When Jared moves to open the one door in the freaking school building that doesn’t go off and tells a teacher someone is skipping, Evan begins to understand.

“I give you a ride home and you…” Jared prompts when Evan doesn’t move from his spot.

“Tell my mom you were nice, I know, but-”

“I can't pass up the amount of brownie points I’ll get for giving you a ride home.” Jared grins and Evan finally stood.

“But- your mom doesn’t- your mom doesn’t like me skipping.” Evan argues as much as Evan could argue. He had a point that Jared was already conscious of. Jareds mom thought Evan used his anxiety as an excuse to skip, and taking him home during the school day and risking his own attendance will in no way get him brownie points and will probably get him borderline grounded. But he just _can't_ leave Evan here.

“And that’s why you say I gave you a ride _after_ school.” Jared response, but walks out of the building to knock Evan off of his tail. Evan frantically follows after him, but says nothing other than a worried ‘ _Jared’,_

“Don’t hurt yourself.” Jared forces a chuckle so he can at least pretend that the recent turn of events hadn’t scared the shit out of him. “Just get in the car and close your eyes or something. Go to lala land.” He doesn’t wait for Evan to get in. He buckles himself in and starts the car.

With a mumble of ‘that’s not how meditation works’ Evan gets into the car, buckles in, and checks to see if the seatbelt catches when he pulls on it. It has worked every time he’s checked it.

Evan is content to look out the window for the short ride, and Jared is eternally grateful for that. He’s not sure how long he can hold out before he makes another joke at the cost of Evan. Pulling into Evans driveway felt a lot like a light in the tunnel.

“When is Connor coming over?” Jared tries to sound more amused rather than skeptical. Evan doesn’t comment of his tone.

“Not- not this weekend, but the next.” Evan says as he realizes he was empty handed and their backpacks were probably still on the table in the library. _Great._

He doesn’t comment on the panic that flashes over his eyes, and he doesn’t reassure him either. He knows the teacher is supposed to watch their junk and he has enough room in his locker for Evans things.

“Good, because I’m crashing your sad one man party this weekend, not the next.” He doesn’t know he was planning this until he had said it. Evan doesn’t stop him from inviting himself over; he just nods in understanding before moving to step out of the car.

“Thanks.” He says quietly and if his car was any louder he wouldn’t have heard it.

“Right, I did this for you.” Jared says sarcastically to uphold his shitty friend reputation. In the end, he still won’t let Evan win this stupid mind game. He knows it's still to benefit Evan so he doesn’t hold himself responsible for whatever punishment Jared got for making Evan skip.

“You’re um- you’re late.” Evan mumbles, still standing by the open door of the passenger side.

“Fuck!” He looks at the clock on the radio, and Evan was right; the bell would ring in two minutes and there was no amount of speeding that could get him there on time. “Shit.” He pulls the car back in reverse, but holds onto the brake. “I’ll bring your junk back after school.” He says in place of a goodbye, and Evan nods as his goodbye and shuts the door.

He zips backward and taking full advantage of the near desolate street Evan lived on.

 

Their table hadn’t been touched, and the teacher writes him an excuse to his next class. He’s sure to take his time loading Evans things back into his bag and then to his locker. The hall monitor doesn’t say a word to him with his excuse is literally slung over his shoulder. Jesus christ, how often had Evan needed to flee class for the hall monitors not to bother anything that resembled him?

He pulls his phone from his pocket when he hears a familiar ding on his phone, probably Heidi or his mom. But his lock screen is free of any notifications, which means… He unzips Evans bag and his phone is neatly tucked in a pocket on the inside.

Evan doesn’t have a lock on his screen, but for someone so paranoid it’s strange. It’s clear it was his phone going off because he has four unread messages.

One from his mother that read

_9: 57 School tonight theres frozen pizza in the freezer_

One from Zoe

_10: 09 Connors coming home today :/ Mom wants to have a dinner tomorrow and ur invited_

He wants to be happy Connor made it through, but his was terrified in Evans shoes because it was only a matter of time for Connor tore Evan a new one for this whole situation.

Two from a contact named Conn Artist

_9: 45 I escaping my room today so I wont be there if you come by after school again_

_10: 34 is every thing k?_

It was clear Connor put the contact in himself and it was blow in everything Jared was so sure of. The messages between them went on and on and it proved Jared wrong.

_10: 36 There you are you good?_

The phone dinged in his hands, and he can see where Evan phone had notified when messages had been read. Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.

He types back, but he knows full well there's no freaking way he could play the role of Evan.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just had agreement with my sister (for those of you who read All We're Left With Is Us, you guys are familiar with Leo and her awesome editing skills) who can work on the Jared chapters because I don't write him very well, so coming here soon those two Jared chapters as well as the rest of the POVJs in the future (i'll let you guys know when if you want to reread anything) will go through her hands.  
> Next Update is Nov 18


	7. Jack and Jill

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> How about an au where Connor and Evan climb a tree together AND Evan jumps by himself?? Or maybe Connor was the one that jumped?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ookay, i know this is kinda super really late

POVE

* * *

 

Evan wasn’t expecting anyone to stop by other than Jared after school with his things. He wanted to text Jared to thank him in advance just in case he decided that he had better things to do with his time. He wanted to apologise for wasting his time in the middle of the school day. He wanted to text Connor back because it’s been an hour and he knows Connors has said something because he just couldn’t stand his hospital room, and he’s figured out a different way to word his hatred for the small room. He _really_ wanted his phone.  

His house was just a disconnected trap that gave him no interaction from the outside world. Not that he used it, and not that outside contact would even help him right now. It was the ability to that he needed right now. He needed to busy himself so he doesn’t realise just how constricting the house can feel even though he knows the outside world would be worse.

He feels awfully empty handed when he moves to the backyard. He wishes he hadn’t brought his laptop with him to school today so that he would have something better to distract him, but all he has is an old box tv that only plays local stations and the big oak tree in the back yard. He remembers Connor once said the only thing worse than silence was the sound of a news broadcasters voice, and Evan couldn’t disagree so he opted with the tree.

A broken arm did little to stop him from climbing the tree. The branches were lower so he didn’t have to pull himself up so far and with his arm healing for a total of four weeks already, the pain he feels up his arm is borderline pleasant. The pain was something he needed with the familiar feeling of bark scratching his palms. It kept him focusing on the feeling of his body adjusting to the work it wasn’t ready to go through yet rather than anything Jared had to say today. Sometimes he could pretend he could climb from his problems.

He’s climbed the old oak time and time over since he was tall enough to reach the bottom branch. He’s been able to reach the top of the oak since he’s needed a safer haven than his bedroom.

He looks down to the ground promising to catch him. He wonders how long he would lay there this time around before he picked himself off the ground. It was as if the thought was bruising the side of his body, and his arm lessened its grip on the branch in memorial for what almost was. He wasn’t nearly high enough to do anything other than hurt, but the sentiment was nice.

He could climb from his problems, and jump right into the sea of them and drown until there was nothing of him left. His mother would have to pay for it all. She’ll be paying off the hospital bill for his arm for years to come, the least he could do is not make her pay for a funeral.

He stables himself on a thicker branch. He can see over the surrounding houses from his spot in the tree, but it doesn’t provide the same comfort it usually does. He doesn’t remember the view from the last tree he’s climbed. He’s not sure if his eyes were too full of tears, or was he just staring down and waiting for the Earth to romance him into coming back to it. Or if he just decided to forget it all in the first place.

He doesn’t remember where the tree was, other than at the state park. He wouldn’t be able to point it out on the map, yet he so stupidly hoped that someone would find him anyway. They never did, and he was alive to know it for sure. He doesn’t remember what kind of tree it was or how high up he was. He doesn't remember the last thing crossed his mind when he let go.

He remembers that it felt like his heart was floating in his chest as he was falling. He remembers the feeling of nothing other than fear of the unknown when he was suspended  in the air for a solid second. He remembers that he landed in fescue grass and how it was so long it looked like waves. He remembers thinking he was drowning even though it was because the wind had been knocked out of him.

He remembers laying there and pretending to be dead in hopes that it would actually work.

Now he rewrites his thoughts in the back of his head as if they were the same things he was thinking before this.

“Hansen! The hell are you doing?!” He hears Connor shouting, but the noise startles him and he takes a step back onto air. He swings his arms up in hopes to grab another branch, but he hits the ground with two handfuls of leaves and twigs. He can see Connor hop the fence and make a mad dash to where he was on the grass. Zoysia grass. Hmm.

He want’s to ask why he’s here. Or how he’s here, but his lungs are clenched and he’s drowning all over again.

“God- Fuck- Hand’s up.” Connor instructions, but he takes Evans arms and pushes them to the grass above his head for him. His lungs loosen up and bring air back in. Evan feels a lot like gaping fish with the disbelieving look Connor gave him.

 

He sits up when his breathing returns to regular.

“Shit fuck, Hansen, you would think you’d learn from the first time.” Connor looked at him like he wasn’t sure Evan was done falling.

“I didn’t - I didn’t mean to.” Evan looks up to the branches above him. Connor looks like he just thought too much into what he had just said. “Sorry, I didn't know you were coming over.” Evan acts like he didn’t just fall out of a tree.

“You good? You didn’t break anything else, right?” Connor looks him over as if Evan wouldn’t tell him the truth. He stands and offers a hand to Evan.

“Ye-yeah. I’m fine.” He answers back, but Connor doesn’t seem to buy it until Evan works his way to stand. He could feel where he was bruised and his body would much rather be sitting still, but he was standing on his own and in one piece. “Why are you- not that you _can’t_ come over or - I was just wondering-”

“Woah.” He can see where Connor forces himself to look laid back, and although Evan can see through it, the sentiment was nice. “Breathe, Hansen. It’s just me.” He shrugs like he himself wasn’t something to be worked up over. As if him hurting Evan wasn’t a possibility.

When he had first ran into Connor, he was terrified. He was walking on thin ice and knew it. But now Connor knew him and Evan knew Connor. In the face of uncertainty, Connor chose fight where Evan chose flight. Connor was no longer an uncertainty, and he wasn’t afraid because he knew there was nothing to be scared of.

Instead Connors presence eases the thoughts from his head rather than add to it.

“You’re finally out.” Evan finally says and they are both grateful to just drop the earlier tension. Connor grins in victory like some sort of escaped convict.

“Hell yeah, I’m a free man.” Connor doesn’t disprove the convict theory.

Evan doesn’t feel the need, or even the want, but he can copy Connors smile when he opens the sliding door.

“How did you-um” Evan stops himself from talking further. Asking how he found his house was rude and suggested Evan didn’t want him over. Which would be wrong, he was finding Connors presence almost needed right now, but voicing that was a no go either.

“Hmm?” Connor prompts him to ask anyways.

“How did you know where I lived?” He asks anyways because he can’t come up with anything else to ask that started off like that. Connor doesn’t take offense, or if he did, he didn’t show it. That would be unlike Connor so he could rely on his honesty in the fact that Connor didn’t think twice about what Evan had said.

He shrugs like he really didn’t want to say “I can smell fear, so you weren’t hard to find.” He says in its stead, and Evan doesn’t know what direction to push to get the real answer.

“Oh ha ha.” Evan says lighthearted anyways as Connor makes himself at home on the couch.

“What are you doing home, anyways?” Connor asks, but as much as Connor had tried to talk him into skipping school he seems worried that Evan was doing just that.

“Skip- skipping, sticking it to the man, you know.” Evan tries to shrug it off as he sits on the other end of the couch. Connor doesn’t seem to impressed with his excuse.

“You don’t have to tell me, but you don’t have to outright lie to me.” Connor says coldly as he stands even though Evan just joined him in on the couch. Evan doesn’t make a move to stop him when he stalks off into the kitchen.

He just sits there staring at his reflection in the glass of the coffee table. He doesn’t feel like he can move in his own home. If he moves from his spot to go to his room that would be terribly rude to Connor. This is Connors first time visiting his house, and all he can do is sit on the couch. He’s a terrible host, but he can’t go into the kitchen either. Connors angry at him and fighting himself for Evans sake anyways.

He can hear the microwave beep even from the living room. It makes sense considering how small the house is. He wonders what Connor is doing, but doesn’t have the nerve to ask. He doesn’t have the nerve to go find out, but he doesn’t have to since Connor is already coming back from the kitchen with two mugs in his hands.

“Sorry- I” Evan just looks at the blue mug he offers.

“We don’t have to talk. I get it.” Connor responds and just places the mug on Evans reflection when he does not move to take it.

“No-no I can, you’re right. I had a bad day a school. Jared, he- well, it doesn’t matter what he said- he-”

“You don’t have to tell me.” Connor reiterates.

“I just- I don’t even want to think about today.” Evan says honestly. He watches Connor take a sip from his own mug. He idly wonders what’s in it.

“Then today didn’t happen.” Connor says simply and for a moment Evan can pretend everything that’s happened doesn’t matter. It doesn’t matter whether or not he remembers it. It was the school administrator all over again. She was judgemental, but he can rely on her not to judge him, but rather his surroundings. Connor had the inept ability to make it feel as though he could scare away any scary thought, but not Evan. Evan let himself bath in the feeling of it.

“What about your today?” Evan says and he knows he worded that weird, but he wanted to know if Connor wanted to let go of his today just like Evan did.

He shrugs, and Evan realized he does that with almost every answer his says like he can express his indifference despite his words. “Boring until my mom came to pick me up, and now I’m here.”

“Oh, how- how was that?” Evan asks with the lack of anything else to say. Connor answers anyways.

“She tried to get all mushy with me, talked about that stupid dinner tomorrow that she’s forcing all of us too, and then I asked to come here because I didn’t want to be home alone with her.”  Connor fakes disinterest the best he can.

“Mushy?” Evan asks as he picks up his own mug.

“I tried to kill myself.” Connor feels the need to remind. Evan didn’t take him as someone who wanted to talk about that. “She’s a little emotional.”

“Not to take sides or anything, but um- she kinda has a right to be.” Evan says weakly and takes a brave sip of the warm liquid. Hot chocolate, hmm.

“She’s the only one.” He says solemnly before occupying his mouth with his own drink.

“That’s not-” Evans at a crossroads. He doesn’t want to confront Connor on this, but he’s seen what his parents wouldn’t show Connor. “Your dad just doesn’t know how to show it.” He says instead.

“Wow, thanks mom.” Connor rolls his eyes, but it's not humorous or entertaining. He crosses his arms and stares down a random spot on the wall.

“When your parent’s tried to give me the note the day after you-” Evan pauses on instinct, but pulls through. “After you tried to commit suicide-” It’s heavy on his tongue, but Connor looks to him and the begrudging look is gone. “Your dad, he- he’s -” Evan feels the build up to say something deep and emotional, but he’s empty handed.

“That’s what I thought.” Connor grumbles, and he doesn’t hide the fact that he’s disappointed very well.

“That’s not what I meant.” Evan weakly argues, but he knows when he’s lost the argument.

“It doesn’t matter what you meant. It’s true.” Connor doesn’t look to him. Evan doesn’t know what to say back. He doesn’t know how to make it better. He’s in the right place and the right time, all he has to do is say the right words and make Connor believe them. He doesn’t even know how to explain how his dad acted when he first met him. He doesn’t think that saying he was looking for answers and looked at Evan like maybe he would know what went wrong with Connor. It’s not the obvious emotion that his mother shows, it’s the stubborn search to find what made Connor seemingly turn on himself.

“I’m sorry.” Evan apologises because there’s a bouquet of things he botched in the past thirty minutes. He had the chance to help Connor and he failed.

“We’ve talked about this.” Connor reprimands. He seems awfully tired of talking and Evan can definitely relate. “Change the subject already. I’m done talking about that shitstain.” He glares into his hot chocolate.

Evan briefly feels the urge to defend his father, but that would make this uncomfortable conversation into an absolute trainwreck. He doesn’t know what to talk about next. All he can think about is the tight grip Connor's father had on his wife's hand that day as if he were holding in everything he wanted to ask. All he can think about how much he is sorry that neither of Connors parents know how to help no matter how hard they try. All he can think about is how sorry  he is that he can't help either.

“Sorry.” Connor says in his stead.

“That’s-” Evan starts, but this conversation has been so heavy it’ll drag the both of them down. “That’s not fair.” He says with a grin that isn’t honest.

“Smartass.” Connor doesn’t laugh but he smiles. Evan isn’t sure if his is honest or not, but the thick tension between them seems to melt away.

Neither one of them had the nerve to break the peace treaty that was the silence following. At least not for the first minute, anyways. Connors impatience got the best of them and he started down a different path.

“When’s the last time you climbed a tree and didn’t fall out of it?” He asks, and it gouges Evans personal business like they had Connors business, even though Connor didn’t know that.

His mind doesn’t even bother to correct that one of those times wasn’t a fall. He was the only one there so if he said he fell, _he fell._

“Right, okay.” Connor takes Evans silence as an answer and stands from the couch. Evan already had an idea this is where it was going even before Connor had started heading for the back door.

“What if-” Evan doesn’t finish that thought, the look Connor gave was threatening enough.

“If you fall out a third time, I’m going to kick your ass.” Connor said with a wide grin, and despite the threat, Evan seemed to calm at that.

Watching Connor (try to) climb a tree looks a lot like a wet noodle trying to... well, climb a tree. He throws the upper half of his body over the lowest limp and just sort of folds himself on it so he doesn’t lose his progress and fall four feet to the ground.

“How the fuck did you get up there?” Connor asks as he manages to hike one of his ridiculously long legs up onto the branch. It _really_ did look like a wet noodle climbing a tree.

“Same way you are… sorta.” Evan answers and Connor gives up his pride and laughs at that.

“It’s about time you got some bite, Hansen.” Connor grunts as he hoists himself up onto another branch. He’s starting to get the hang of it. Evans not that far behind, patiently waiting behind Connor.

They only reach about ten feet up before Connor needed to rest. “Fuck.” He says like it was a conversation starter when he rested his head onto the main part of the trunk. Evan thinks he understands what he means though.

He doesn’t say anything back. He just looks past his sneakers hanging from where he sat next to Connor. He just looks at the ground. It doesn’t look the same as earlier, but his arms go weak all the same. He knows what this ground felt like; what the grass looked like up close, and how little the soil gives when he hit it. He feels the haunting shock of two falls. One makes his nerves feel like there is a gap between bone in his arm even though he’s almost through healing. The second holds his lungs tight, and he can’t breathe all over again.

“Evan?” He hears Connor beside him. It’s not as frantic as the second fall, but it was a reminder all the same. He can feel the ground hit his back as if it were happening again. “Are you al-”

“Murphy!” The sound was a screech to his eardrums, and he thinks he feels Connor jolt beside him but that was just a branch whipping past him. He doesn’t have the time to reach out the third time, but he knows the feeling of the ground when it hits him. He’s back in fescue grass, and there’s something in his oxygen laking mind that makes him feel at peace in the grass. He used to lay under the tree all the time growing up, and he can’t recall why he ever stopped.

The peace is disturbed by Connor hitting the ground beside him not a second after. He manages to land on his feet, but as if they wouldn’t support him, Connor falls forward and almost flat on his face.

“Shit.” Connor grits as he picks himself up by his elbows. His breathing heavier than normal, sort of like a pregnant woman in labor. Evan still isn’t breathing and the serenity that brought was beginning to bring panic instead.

He raises his arms above his head and forces his lungs the break the vacuum seal they’ve created for themselves. He tries to ignore the colorful language Connor uses as he turns over.

“Who thought it was a good idea to climb the freaking tree?” Jared shadows Evan and as much as he tried to sound angry, he couldn’t wipe the panic from his face. “Never mind, I know the answer to that.” Jared rolled his eyes once Evan sat up to prove he was fine. “Murphy, you're supposed to stop him, not join him.” He looks to Connor, who had only manages to roll onto his back and keep his stress breathing to a minimum.

“Conno-”

“I’m fine.” Connor doesn’t let Evan even humor the idea.

“Then let’s see you stand.” Jared challenges.

It takes longer than it should have, and Connor winces and hold back noises to do so. They both watch Connor put all his weight onto his left foot, and keep his hands in tight knots by his sides.

“Um-” Evan doesn’t necessarily want to bring it up, but he’s beginning to have an idea Connor may need help getting back inside. How is he going to explain to Connors parents why he came back injured the first time he went to Evans house?

“I’m not going to lie; I’m not impressed.” Jared says, as if to prompt Connor into walking.

And Connor does, or at least tries to. The first step brings him back to the ground with a scream and he’s back to stress breathing the pain away.

“Oh crap, okay.” Jared is back to panicking as he kneels downs to Connors boots. “Just-” Jared doesn’t look like he knows what to do and Evan has less of an idea.” Just keep him from kicking me.” He says as he begins to untie the laces of his right boot. Evan places a hand gently on Connors left leg as if he were afraid he could hurt that one too.

“Be careful.” Evan says with a lack of anything better to say.

“I know what I’m doing.” Jared lies.

“Jesus, fuck. Just let the fucking nurses son do it, Kleinman.” Connor speaks up. They forgot he was cognitive still.

“What are you doing?” Evan snipes as Jared seemingly listens to Connor and pulls out his cellphone.

“Calm the heck down, I’m calling the actual nurse.” Jared says as he holds the phone up to his ear.

“But-” Evan tries anything to get his mom out of this.

“I’m not dying, chill the fuck out.” Connor seems to think the same thing.

“Just get his shoe off. He’s less likely to kick you.” Neither one of them manages to stop Jared from getting a hold of her, so Evan just continues to pull laces out.

“Fuck, there’s a zipper on the side. Do you actually think I spend that much time lacing all that shit in the morning?” Connor gripes as he throws his head back into the grass. Evan can tell he’s really trying to stay calm about this, which impressive considering they’re all beginning to think Connor may have broken his ankle.

“Okay, okay, okay, this is going to hurt.” Evan warns once he has the boot as loose as he can get it. He still is going to have to pull it off Connors heel.

“Just do it already.” Connor bites and Evan pulls. He doesn’t scream like Evan was expecting he would, but he’s breathing hard and gripping and letting go of grass mindlessly.

“Hi Ms. Hansen. This is going to sound super strange, and honestly I can’t even begin to explain it..” Evan shoots Jared a dirty look. “Wha...yeah.” He can hear Connor go back to cursing instead of breathing like a madman. “Connor jumped out of a tree and we think he screwed up his ankle, but he isn’t giving us much to work with.” He hears Connor mumble ‘fuck off’ weakly. “Yeah, I can.” Jared says before he puts the phone on speaker and places it next to Connors head. “ Alright, he’s on.” Jared says loud enough where the speaker would pick up his voice.

“He jumped?” Evan whispers to Jared.

“Yeah,” Jared almost laughs. “ You fell, and he just friggen jumps like it’ll help you. Like Jack and Jill or something.” Jared shrugs.

“Alright, Connor. How are you holding up?” Heidi starts.

“Peachy.” Connor responds breathlessly.

“Have Evan or Jared get you sock and shoe off. We don’t want anything to constrict it if it needs to swell.” She instructs, and Jared just looks at Evan. He just nods and pulls the vibrant purple sock off and Jared snorts. Evan wants to laugh too, but settle with just smiling when he sees that Connor has his toenails painted black too.

“Yeah, okay.” Connor seems to be speaking easier. He’s coming out of whatever shock he was in.

Out of curiosity, and knowing what his mother was about to ask next, he rolls up the black pants leg to get a better look.

“Holy crap.” Jared mumbles beside him, and Evan thinks it. Connor ankle is easily the size of a baseball.

“We’re going to have to go the the er.” Evan mumbles back.

“Can you wiggle you toes?”

The black toes wiggle when Jared points out a purpling neer his heel.

“Yeah.”

“Good, can you lift you leg?”

His legs lifts and they can see just how much purple is beginning to bloom.

“Yeah.”

“I know this is going to hurt, but try to rotate your foot for me.”

It moves a fraction to the right, but Connor jolts and heaves air to will the pain away.

“Okay, it’s alright.” Heidi comforts the best she can over the phone. “Boys?”

“Bring him in? We figured.” Jared responds as Evan props his foot over his shoulder to keep it elevated, and Connor sees to take to that well.

“Call me when you get there, I’ll go to the ER.” She says.

“Gotcha.” Jared confirms.

“We need to call his mom.” Evan says as Connor adjusts his leg so his ankle directly sat on Evan shoulder. Evan focusses on not moving.

“If you carry me to the car, I’ll call her.” Connor bargains.

“1,2,3, not it.” Jared spits immediately.

“What are you? Seven?”

“No, I’m not it.” Jareds smug look just looks like it was asking to be wiped off.

So Connor likes his hand a wipes Jareds face with it. Evan laughs when Jared screams louder than Connor ever did.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not going to put an update date on this because you guys know I'll just change it after the fact, just expect something new sometime next week.


	8. Good For You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cynthia tries to be that relatable mom

POVC

* * *

 

Falling was one of the top things Connor hated. He hated the wind rushing past him and for a split second before he reached the ground he feared for his life. And  _ that  _ hasn’t happened in a while. He doesn’t hold onto that thought because when he sticks the landing he doesn’t have a chance to think he’s alright because the whole world seemingly has gotten a trillion times brighter and his brain is stunted and goes white every time there is movement in his foot.

He tries to keep an even tone with his mom despite the fact that he just wants to sob for how much it hurts. Evan stays with him in the grass of his back yard, holding an ice pack onto his ankle while Jared loaded his back seat with pillows to support Connor without him flipping out again.

He hated taking favors from Jared like this, but it wasn’t like he had much of a choice. He tried to talk Evan into waiting till his mom got home, but instead Evan just offered to carry him to the car. He wasn’t listening.

“I’m fine.” Connor grits. He feels fine now because Evan practically sat frozen. If Connor didn’t move, he was fine. All it was now was a dull throbbing. The ice pack was actually the most uncomfortable part about all of this.

“You’re ankle is purple, Connor.” Evan replies, already bored with having to correct Connor. They’ve been sitting under the tree for at least fifteen minutes now, and the panic of the original fall had been long forgotten.

“You can just take me.” Connor says instead.

“I don’t drive.” Was his immediate response, but he pauses, ready to say something else. Connor just lays on the grass awaiting whatever Evan had to say because that was all he could do. “Maybe- maybe this will change things between you and Jared?” 

Connor instantly wishes he was screaming again so Evan didn’t have the nerve to interrogate him.

“What the fuck?” Connor does his best to sit up.

“Sorry- I didn’t me-”

“ No, cut the bullshit.” Connor stops Evan from backtracking. “Do you seriously fucking think that  _ Jared  _ can be anything more than asshole?!”

He can see Evan tense, he can see the fear that wasn’t there before. Evan is still holding the ice pack to his ankle and keeping it elevated. Even with Connor yelling in his face, he still looks after them. Connor flops back down into the grass feeling sick of himself. 

“Sorry, just-” Connor sighs. “It’s not going to happen, alright?” He gives. It was something that was never meant to be. It happen for no other reason that that it just happened, so Connor decided to blame it on pure fate. Jared was meant to hate him in all plotlines, stupid internet friendships be damned.

“Alright Evan, time to carry your boyfriend to the car.” Jared struts over to them uninvited.

Of course Connor hadn’t been expecting anything like that when he and Evan first became friends. It was a stupid crush that wasn’t anybody's business. He hadn’t expected to get this far friendship wise anyways, but Evan continued to surprise him. He was a whole lot nicer than Connor expected and all that served to do was make Connors six foot grave deeper. He knew there wasn’t a chance so he wasn’t going to humor the idea, but Jared bringing that bullshit up simply because Evan would take it as a joke and nothing more outright infuriated him.

“Keep your fantasies to yourself, jackass.” Connor says instead as he pulls his ankle from where Evan has been keeping it safe. Balancing on his left foot is as hard as it is, but he manages with pride alone. His ankle throbs and it's as if he can feel it swelling. It’s still nowhere near the initial pain, but his leg jolts the moment his right foot touches the grass. It looks like he’s going to be hopping to the car.

“Can I-” Evan almost offers to carry him again as he hovers next to Connors slow progress to the car. “Do you need any help?”

“I got it.” Connor grunts even though Evan still shadows him.

* * *

 

Both Evan and Connors moms meet them at the ER.

“Are you okay?” Is what Connors mom brilliantly asks the moment they walk in.

“What? No, mom. I just broke my ankle.” Connor says like it was stupid she had even asked. Evans managed to get Connor to use him as a crutch, and for now Jared hasn’t said anything about it.

“Right, well do you need any pain medicine? Ms. Hansen can get some that the doctor would allow.”

“I just need to sit.” Connor tries to keep his tone level, but he’s getting frustrated that everyone is throwing questions at him when he just wants to sit.  

Evan guides him to the because he’s the only one that seems to be listening to Connor. He sits across the aisle from Connor so he can keep his ankle comfortably elevated between his hands. He wonders where Evan got the overbearing instinct to look after the injured, but Heidi takes a seat next to him, filling out a clip board and he knows the answers to that.

“You good?” Connor asks him despite the situation their in. Evan eyes snap to wherever they were wandering back to him.

“Hmm? Yeah- yeah, I’m fine.” He doesn’t sound very believable. “Are you? - other than, you know-” 

“I’ve been better.” Connor shrugs. He’s able to ignore the feeling in his leg when Evan stops him from moving it. He’s pretty sure Evan is the only one that knows what he’s feeling because it wasn’t but a month ago since he felt it. Hell, he fell out of the tree  _ twice  _ with an arm that's  _ already  _ broken. “You sure you’re-”

“Oh Heidi, be sure they check up on Evan too.” Jared interrupts to talk to the nurse. He watches as Evan sends a worried glance to the conversation happening without him. 

“What’s-” She starts, but looks over to her son. Evan looks like he’d much rather be left out of this conversation. “What happened, honey?” She asks, and Connor can feel Evan fingers wiggle under his ankle; he can’t fidget very well this way.

“They  _ both  _ fell out of the tree.” Jared answers for him with a sly grin like he was enjoying this.

“Evan.” She barely scolds him, but her worry is evident. Heidi's reaction is fair, Connor guesses. He had broken his arm because of exactly this, and the fact that he was back up a tree and almost did it  _ again  _ was enough to make even Connor frustrated with Evan.

“It was my idea.” Connor covers for him anyway, and he can feel Evans eyes on him. He looks out the window because the only other option was to look Evans mother in the eye, and that wasn’t about to fucking happen.

“Oh..” She says like she wants to ask, but she doesn’t.

“ _ Murphy. _ ” Jared’s smirk is wiped off with the look of disbelief. “Why the heck would you do that?” Jared asks in Heidis place.

“He wanted to prove I wouldn’t fall.” Evan squeaks, and he’s lucky enough he doesn’t stutter. Heidi seems to understand; her worried expression melted into a fond smile.

“Well you did.” Jared doesn’t let up.

“Will you back off, Jared.” Connor snips, but otherwise doesn’t push it further. Maybe it was because Heidi was sitting next to him that he was holding back. Or maybe because Evan was still holding his ankle despite needing to fidget, and the least Connor could do is not make it worse. Or maybe because his mother seems awfully happy in the waiting room despite the fact that he possibly broke his ankle.

“Alright.” Heidi taps the top of her clipboard. “I’m going to go grab a wheel chair.”

 

Evans mother ends up checking Evans condition in another room while Connor gets rolled to the x-ray room. He has to hold it at an uncomfortable angle, but his ankle seems to be so swollen he can’t move it any way that would actually be painful. It feels as though his bones are tingling when the machine hums to life, but he could just be overthinking this. 

The unfamiliar nurse rolls him to a room where his mother sat on a chair next to a bed. 

“We’re going to develope the X-rays and the doctor will be right with you.” He says, and Connor denies his help to get to the bed.

“I really didn’t want to be back here.” Connor mumbles once the nurse leaves the room.

“Maybe you and Evan can match.” His mother grins beside him. He wants to laugh since that was what she was concerned about. 

“Crutches are going to be a pain in the ass, though.” Connor says because all he can’t look on the bright side.

“Pain in the arms I’d think.” She says instead of correcting his language.

“They’re not going to make me stay the night, right?” Connor grimaces as if he can’t stand even the idea.

“I can’t imagine why they would.” She replies. She seemed content next to Connor, and maybe its because of the nostalgic feeling in his chest that makes him say what he does next.

“We should get ice cream after this.” He says because he jumped out of a tree and he feels like shit.

“Ice cream?” She doesn’t seem opposed; she seemed surprised. She seems hopeful and Connor doesn't want to think why.

“Because I’m broke my ankle and I deserve it.” Connor tries not to sound moody, but rather like a sniveling junior high kid. He punctuates this by sticking his tongue out at his mother as if she would say no. She had a hard time saying no to Connor.

Even though he was expecting a conformation, nothing could have prepared him for the sound of his mother's laughter. Oh, he did that. He feels a smile bubble up in his chest, and he has to clench his hands to stop himself from doing anything more that let a sliver of a smile show up. 

“I’m serious, mom. We’re getting ice cream.” Connor manages to keep his voice level, but his mother can’t hold her cackles in. He just watches her with tears in her eyes as she tries to stop laughing enough to breathe. It was strange that something so little made her laugh so hard, but Connor wasn’t complaining.

“Thank you, Con.” She manages through dying laughter. She wipes her eyes and places her hand on Connors shoulder. Connor doesn’t feel the need to shrink away from her touch like he usually does. The fact that he feels comfortable with this interaction is slowly burning his brain. “I needed that.” She gets out a few last chuckles and she just smile at Connor like… like she was happy with him.

“Yeah, sure, whatever.” Connor refuses to look at her because it was only a matter of time before he made that look go away.

“Do you want your friends to come too?” She asks. Right, Evan and Jared was still there. He knows the answer for Jared. Absolutely fucking not, but as much as he enjoyed Evans company he just wanted… he just wanted his mom. Connor doesn’t say anything other than shaking his head. He isn’t sure if his mother is disappointed or flattered by that.

The door opens with Evan peeking in, and Connor is silently glad he didn’t have to find out which of the two his mother was feeling.

“Hey,” He says softly, but doesn’t enter the room until his mom waves him in.

“So?” Connor asks, and now that he was actually looking for anything wrong with Evan, he can see bandages wrapped around the inside of his hands and some bruising on his unbroken arm.

“Just a little beat up, but- but nothing major. Just sore, I guess.” Evan shifts his weight to his right leg and Connor is consciously aware of Evans ability to stand. He’s not going to lie, he’s a little bit jealous.

“‘Kay, so do you know what they’re going to do about this?” Connor asks because he was beginning to get antsy sitting in a hospital bed  _ again.  _ Connor wiggles his good foot, but Evan seems to understand.

“Probably- um, put you in surgery, line the bones up, and cast it.” Evans says, and he subconsciously rests his hand on his own cast.

“Woah, woah, hold the fuck up.” Connor tries to sit up in bed, but his mother holds his arm like he was bed ridden. “Surgery?” Connor was suddenly getting nauseous. He considers the possibility of just pretending he was okay so he could leave before  _ that  _ happened.

“Y-yeah. To line up the bones. That’s what they did for me- I don’t know if it’ll be different- I mean, there’s a whole lot more parts in the ankle- and”

“Hansen.” Connor stops before the train derails. “They don’t just- you know-” Connor tries to mimic the idea of the doctors just lining up the bone without fucking cutting him open.

“What- no, they do that for dislocation.” Evan scratches at his cast.

“Mom.” Connor snaps to his mother, he wonders if he can convince her to pull him out of the hospital now. She can’t so no to him, right?

“You have to get it fixed.” She beats him to it.

“ _ Mom”  _ Connor doesn't have anything to fight her with other than the fact that is she really going to let Connor get gut up by a bunch of strangers? 

“You can’t fight me on this. You can’t live your life with a broken an-”

“I can sure as hell try!” Connor tries. His mother looks far too amused with this to say anything about his voice. God dammit, woman. This is a serious matter.

“It  doesn't hurt that - well…” Evan tries, but only makes it  _ significantly  _ worse. “They have pain meds to get you through it, and my- my mom could be there with you if- if you want, so..” He adds, and maybe that does make it a little better.

As if on cue, Heidi walk into the room with a folder of ex-rays. It felt as if any progress they had made in calming Connor down had ran out the door and he wanted to run out with it, no matter how fucked his ankle was. She only smiles and hands him the folder. He didn’t think Evans mother could be the sadistic, but he apparently was wrong.

He doesn’t know what he’s looking at. He’s never been good at understanding x-rays, but he can faintly see where his flesh was and good god did his ankle look fucking pregnate, but the bones themselves were just like anything he’s ever seen in school. He doesn’t know what he’s supposed to be looking at. He looks up to the nurse like maybe he’ll get a hint.

“It’s not broken.” She says, and Connor immediately promoted her from a sadist to a saint. 

“Oh, thank fuck.” He squeaks, and he feels his mom gently elbow him.

“It was as severe of a sprain as you can get without tearing anything.” She says as she pats his good foot. Yeah, he’s missed her. “Your lucky.” She smiles.

“Lucky? Evan fell out of the same tree.” Connor grins, he doesn’t miss the proud glint in her eye.

“He’s a good strong baby.” She says in a way that makes Evan cringe and Connors mother giggle. “If you saw the tree that broke his arm you’d be impressed. This fall was nothing.” She says like she’s challenging Connor. It’s worth the embarrassed look on Evan's face as he stares down a jar of cotton swabs.

“Pfft, whatever.”  Connor replies.

“Alright,” She straightens back up, ready to get to buisness with whatever the hospital does with sprains. “You’re about to hate this.” She forces a smile, and he makes the mistake of looking at Evan for any support, but instead sees growing fear in the kids face. He can tell that Evan even knows what’s about to happen and it’s about to hurt a fuckton. “I’ll have to move it to a 90 degree angle for the splint.” 

That was way past the comfort radius the swelling will allow.

“I already hate this.” He says, and Heidi nods sympathetically, but she doesn’t look to be willing to let Connor go free.

Evan, the traitor, digs in a drawer in the tall cabinets on the far wall. He pulls out two rolls of wrapping, and a two foot long package strip of something. Connor watches with confusion as he pulled the white fabric strip and runs it under water.

“Alright.” She gently picks up his ankle, and so far he felt no extra pain. Slowly she leans into the bottom of his foot, using her stomach to slowly bend to the desired angle. It starts off uncomfortable, but the closer she gets, the more it hurts. He grits his teeth and knots his hands into the grainy sheets of his bed. 

“Fuck.” He grits, but that only seems to make Heidi push harder. “Fuck, fuck, fuck.” He shuts his eyes, trying to will away tears. But she eventually stops pushing and uses her hands to keep his foot correct and he feels Evan put the wet wrap centered at the bottom of his foot and up his calf. 

Between the two of them the get the two wrappings tight around his foot. It was the same comforting pressure that the selling provided, and it felt like it could just squeeze the pain away.

“How does it feel?” She look over their work. It looks like a solid wrap to the point where it looks like a cast anyways. He never understood of hospital staff could wrap seamlessly. Heidi squeezes spots on the wrap, making sure it was snug and fit right. He could feel the wet wrap harden into a splint. Evan sits back, watching and probably soaking up more information from his mother. It’s probably how he helped so far.

He wiggles his toes, and it doesn’t hurt so much anymore. “Fine.”

* * *

 

Evan apologises profusely for the entire thing, and when Connor finally got him to tone it down, he apologises to his mother, probably Heidi, and maybe even Jared. He wishes he’d learned to be grateful in the face of Evans apologies earlier because of the sheer whip-lash Evan experienced when Connor had thanked him for riding out the whole ER experience with him was hilarious. That alone almost made everything worth it.

For once his mom lets him prop his foot on the dash as she pulled out of hospital parking lot.

“That was real sweet, what you did, Connor.” She starts, and Connor considers the option of tucking and rolling out of the moving vehicle and catching a ride home with Evan and Jared.

“What? Fuck up my ankle?” He stares as the fancy trees of the medical district pass by.

“Why do you do that every time?” She almost sounds like she scolding. Connor actually had no idea what she was talking about now. “Every time I say I’m proud of you-” She does the almost laugh that parents only did when they were disappointed. “Are you one of those people that they talk about online where you refuse to accept a compliment because you don’t think you deserve it?” She says it so innocently. Connor wasn’t about to be psychoanalyzed by his mother  _ especially  _ by using her cheap facebook therapy ideas.

“Are fucking- can we just go out without you fucking trying to get in my head?” To credit Connor; he wasn’t screaming. “You’re not invited there.”

“Fine.” She stops harder at a stop sign that usual, but that could just be because she wasn’t paying attention. “But I just want you to know that I’m proud of you.”

“Why? For making a friend? That’s such a big accomplishment for me, I know.” Connor bites, and looking back on this later that day he may think that maybe his mother had a point. Every compliment set him off, but so did insults and being ignored, and being focused on and  _ every fucking thing else.  _

She looks like she want’s to reiterate her point, but let’s it go. Connor isn’t sure if that progress is in his favor or not. “I’m proud that you’re a good friend.” She looks to the road. “There’s not too many of those anymore.”

“Alright mom, be sure to tell that to Ms. Hansen.” Ugh saying her name like that made Connor feel like a weird kid who hung out with his friends moms. Well… “I talked the kid into a fuking tree when his arm was broke.”

“You know, when I was your age-”

“Noooooo.” Connor shrinks in his seat, his mother playfully shoves his arm to get him to shut up. And in a weird twist of events, he actually did.

“I had this boyfriend who I loved to peices to back. He had this gorgeous mullet-”

“Ew.”

“It was sexy back then!” She says with a wild grin. Connor feels a lot like he’s watching outdated housewives of New York. “You know; business in the front , party in the back.”

“Business in the front, homeless in the back.” Connor mimes back. His mother chuckles.

“Shut up, let me finish my story.” She grins. “I loved him, and I thought he was the one.” She glances to Connor and he rolls his eyes. “And so did this Sarah girl.” She shrugs like this was all old feeling and wasn’t relevant anymore. “Of course I was devastated, I thought it was the end of my lovelife. All of my friends said to go trash his car, or vandalise his locker. They wanted me to get back at him. I wanted to get back at him.” 

Connor doesn’t have clue what this story has to do in relation to Evans broken arm, but he’s already mildly invested in the story.

“Expect for my best friend. She stopped me from doing  _ anything  _ like that. Our friend group couldn’t believe her. They tried to convince me that she hated me because why else would she just let me suffer without making him pay?”

Connor doesn’t like having to guess the moral of the story or whatever the hell this was. He just shrugs.

“She said if he ever talks to me again, I should just smile and laugh; like he didn’t do anything to me. Like I was just supposed to let it go. And for a while I was angry at her too because I though she wasn’t taking my feelings seriously. I thought he would never talk to me again because I did what my best friend said, and I didn’t even look at him in the hallway. Until he came to me after school nearing tears. Turns out-” She smiles, Connor learns where his sadistic nature came from. “He acted like we had nothing together, but when I did the same, when I act like I was never hurt, I was able to hurt him back. I was able to make him feel what I felt without losing my pride. I hurt him more than I ever could than just screwing up his property. He begged for me to get back together with him, and I did what my best friend told me to do: I smiled and laughed.”

“Ha! What a prick.” Connor grins. His mother smiles.

“My point is…”

“Don’t relate this to me.”

“My friends hated her for her way of fixing things. It wasn’t what  _ they  _ thought would be best for me. My  _ best  _ friend knew what was  _ best  _ for me. So maybe climbing a tree was what was best for Evan even if everyone else disagrees.” There it was. The shoddy connection. The only thing that made Connor Evans best friend was the fact that Jared was his only competition and he wasn’t even sure if he was better than Jared.

“ _ Please,”  _ Connor aggravatedly rolled his eyes. “I never said I was Evan's  _ best  _ friend. Who do you think Jared is?”

“I’m just saying a real friend would be willing to make a villain out of themselves for their friends.” She pauses, Connor isn’t sure if he ready for anything more. “If Jared is anything like you or better, I’d say Evan is in good hands.” 

“That’s bullshit.” Connor weakly argues because he’s ready for this conversation to be over. They’re only a few minutes away from A La Mode and he’s ready to eat his feelings.

“Well I guess only bad friends think they do nothing wrong.” His mother hums.

“Mom.” Connor practically begs her to stop this fucking conversation.

“Alright, alright, no more for tonight. I promise.” She holds up one hand in mock surrender. Connor idly wishes she’d do it with both hands so they’d end up crashing into the guardrail. “Ice cream, ice cream,we all scream for-”

Connor actually screams.

She pats his good leg trying to get him to shut the hell up because there’s no way he’s going to hear her over the sound of his own voice.

“Shhhhhhhshshs.” She makes that awful sound with her mouth when Connor does quit. “People are going to think I’m killing you!” 

“You areeee.” Connor slips past his seatbelt with a whine.

 

She pulls into the parking lot not much longer afterwards and the neon of the sign highlights the cement despite it barely being past sundown. She gets his order early so he can just find a seat and prop his leg back up.

He replies to Evans text worrying about whether or not Connor’s mother was upset about the event of the past five hours.

8:16  _ Its cool somehow she thinks we best friends more than before (CM) _

8:16  _ If thats even possible (CM) _

8:19  _ How??(EH) _

8:20  _ It was weird (CM) _

8:21  _ Shit got ‘emotional’ (CM) _

8:22  _ Ew? (EH) _

8:22 _ Ew (CM) _

8:23  _ understood is dinner still happening? (EH) _

8:23  _ just wondering (EH) _

8:24  _ fuck i hope not (CM) _

8:24  _ but prolly (CM) _

“Is that Evan?” His mother scares the shit out of him.

“Jesus, yeah.” Connor breaths.

“Aw, say hi to him for me.” She smiles and takes the seat next to Connor.

“You just saw him.” He wasn’t about to tell Evan his mom said hi.

“So did you” She counters.

“Whatever mom.” Connor rolls his eyes and takes the cone she hands him. “Oh, I didn't ask for this much fudge.”

“Take it.” She smiles. She’s been doing that a creepy amount on this whole trip. “I heard eating your feelings is good for you.”

“No, it isn’t” Connor eyes his cone like he was on a diet that he would never dream of putting himself on. He fucking loved hot fudge. “Like at all.” 

But he thinks of the conversation here. Maybe his tree climbing idea would have been good for Evan if they hadn’t fallen out of the tree. Maybe he didn’t know that would have been good or not for Evan, but he did sure as hell try. And maybe the extra hot fudge was his mother making a bad influence of herself to better him. He doesn’t know if it’s a good idea or not, but eats anyways.

He’s lactose intolerant and neither of them had seemed to bring it up. With the dull throb of his ankle and a sore stomach lulling into sleep, he leans onto his mother's arm and just listens to the hum of the ancient light bulbs. She doesn’t say anything other than lean on him and listen along with him and watch the rest of Connors ice cream melt. Despite the painful consequence, he thinks this was a good idea.

“I love you, Con.” She whispers into his hair. He doesn't want to think of the last time he washed it. He doesn’t want to think of how hard it will be to take a shower with the lump of wrapping on his leg.

“Yeah, I guess I love you too, you sap.” 

 


	9. Friends of Family; Friends of Friends

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Maybe the fall was good for Evan like Connor thought it would be, but it only really serves to scare Jared more.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm going to apologize ahead of time if Jared seems out of character, I just have a hard time writing in his style.

POVJ

* * *

 

Jared is not sure if he wants to ask why Evan listened to Connors bullshit suggestion of climbing a tree when he was borderline handicapped by that exact act. He figured Connors destructive tendencies would come back to bite Evan in the rear eventually, but he hadn’t expected it to happen this soon or for Evan to follow willingly into his line of destruction.

Evan doesn’t even seem to be willing to carry a conversation right now. He just watches the scenery wip by and click the volume buttons up and down on his phone.

“I’ve been thinking…” Evan proves Jared wrong. Jared wants to reply that he really hasn’t if he tried climbing a tree in his condition.

“I thought I smelled smoke.” Jared quips, and he watches Evan hold onto whatever he was about to say. He clicks the power button and watches his phone screen light up in the dark car. The image a sunset behind a line of trees flashes before Evan turns the screen off again. “Sorry.” Jared amends quietly.

Evan shakes his head as if to weakly say that he wasn’t upset. It felt a lot like Evan was telling him it didn’t matter, and he can’t count the number of times he has felt fear for this kid. Whatever fear was in Evan wasn’t there now, and as much as Jared wanted to be happy that Evan had a break, he seemed to just be a shell of himself.

“I’m okay.” A soft smile breaks Evans face despite it wearing so much exhaustion, but Jared can’t help but to believe him.

Jared nods. “Good.”

Evan nods back.

“So what were you thinking about?” Jared eyes his gas gauge and then the road. He pretends to be more focused on that, but he can still hear Evan click the buttons on his phone.

He thinks Evan didn’t hear him, probably so lost in whatever derailed tangent of thought Evans mind gave him. There were probably a plethora of things Evan would be thinking about. He doesn’t answer right away so Jared plays the friend who doesn’t really care so Evan doesn’t have to backtrack on whatever the hell he was thinking.

“Promise me you won’t get mad.” Evan says it like he’s asking for Jared to stop him from spilling whatever he’s about to say.

Jared just shrugs, not willing to give Evan the satisfaction of a real answer. If he was being completely honestly, he was hoping for some sort of insight from the whole Connor thing or at least what the hell had happened because he sure as hell was still mad about that.

“I guess that’s fair.” Evan is the only person he knows that will honestly answer a shrug of the shoulders. “I -um…” Evan waits out the tension in his shoulders. For once, it looks like he thinks before he speaks. “I lied to you… to everyone really, but- you can’t tell- no one can know. Alright? It’ll be- everyone would be ...I don’t know.” Evan builds up and even Jared is nervous for whatever comes out of Evans mouth next.

“This isn’t about your sex letters is it?” Jared says because he has to say something to ease the tension.

“It’s not-” Evan cuts himself off as is he deemed it a battle not worth fighting. He’d be right. “Can you be serious about this for once?” Evan bites back. It was a tone Jared wasn’t expecting, especially out of Evan.

“Okay, okay, jeez.” Jared replies because he can’t be serious, but he can try to be quiet. “Just tell me about your weird fantasies or whatever.”

Evan clicks the power button only to click it again. He doesn’t say anything, and he wouldn’t get anywhere if he actually listened to Jared. He’s learned to stop listening to Jared and let things go because that’s the only way he could stand him. Jared knows it. Evans preference of letting things go over confronting them is the main reason they were still friends. 

“I finally fell after lying to everyone, to myself. I did it, and I survived.” Evan says and Jared has no clue what he means by that so he waits for Evan to elaborate. “I-” Jared can hear the water in just one word. He’s not sure when's the last time he saw Evan cry other than the tears of a panic attack. He wasn’t really sure which was worse. “I jumped.” He said like it held some value, but Jared had no idea where to put it. “I tried to-” He pauses mid sentence to wipe at his face and click his phone on and off as if trying to find courage by stalling.

“You tried to what-” Jared prompts. 

He rests a hand over his cast. It was a story Jared believed there was more to. He’s watched Evan climb the tree in his backyard since the were kids. He’s watched Evan climb the tree of Jareds backyard since his mother moved out and wouldn’t stop him. It was what Evan did, but matter how many rainy days or gusts of wind or weak branches. He never fell. There would always be a dependable branch he could hold to. Until then, and he’s sure Evan was out of his game and the inevitable happened and he finally fell. He knows Evan must have not been okay with that, but his point was proved further when he fell from the tree  _ again.  _ He’s not the Evan he used to know, but he’s not sure what’s happened.

“I tried to kill myself.” Evan says quietly and it fills the car more than Jared would have ever liked. 

“Well yeah, climbing a tree with a broken arm is kinda-” Jared starts because he doesn’t want to take the honesty Evan just gave him.

“No-” Evan interrupts. “No, I jumped and I ended up breaking my arm. At Eleson state park?” Evan reminds. 

“Who tries jumping out of trees? Don’t be dramatic.” Jared tries because he’s out of cards and he’s trying desperately to discredit Evan. Jared had wanted him and Evan to be closer, but  _ this  _ was not what he meant. He can’t handle a suicidal friend; he nearly killed Connor. Evan can’t be in the same boat because he knows he can’t save him. He’s going to make it worse.

“I was forty feet up.” Evan defends, and Jared briefly remembers Heidi saying he was lucky nothing worse happened to him. He waved it off because nurses just call everyone lucky. It’s just what they do, but a forty foot drop? She was underestimating how lucky he was. That could have freaking  _ killed  _ him. But that would have been the point, right?

Jared looks back to the road to see a flash of headlights and a horn blaring. He’s quick enough to swerve right and miss the BMW who is probably flipping him off. He pulls off to the shoulder and takes a shaky breath.

“Why?” He doesn’t know what he’s asking for, but he expects Evan to know the answer.

“I didn’t plan it, or-or anything. I just- you know…” He says and he knows it’s supposed to make Jared feel a little better, but it didn’t in the slightest. It wasn’t planned which meant Evan did it on a whim with not even a freaking suicide note to leave behind. He did it because he fuckng felt like it. If he had planned it, he would have thought it over, thought of pros in cons and over whether or not he really wanted to. Jared has had his fair share of unwanted thoughts that arrive when he’s standing on a street corner and a bus is barreling down the road. All it would take is a few steps, or a swerve of the wheel, or a ‘weak branch’. But he throws them away and continues on, but if Evan had these thoughts, and listened to them?

“What am I supposed to do about this?” Why was he telling him this now when he made the believable story of falling. It was so much easier to swallow.

“What- I don’t know- I just. I needed someone to know-I”

“And I can’t tell anybody?” Jared felt like he was handed a ticking time bomb. What was he going to do if Evan tried again? How the hell was he going to shoulder it if Evan succeeded? If he justs sits on this information and waits out Evan, never knowing when is the last time he’ll see him. It was waiting for Connor to die all over again, but this time he had a front row seat. He was the only one that knew, and the only one that could stop him, and he knew then Evan was screwed.

“Well, no- they’d be angry-”

“ _ I’m  _ angry, Evan!” Jared breathes. Evan doesn’t seem to know what to say to that. Jared really has no idea what to say to any of this. “I can’t-  _ Evan. _ ” He doesn’t know how to make this better. He knows he can’t help. He will only make things worse and he’s terrified Evan will manage to do more damage than Connor did. He needs to tell someone that can help, someone that knows the rights words and doesn’t laugh at everything that makes them uncomfortable. Had he not had Connors near death on his mind he probably would have already laughed Evan off. “Why are you telling me this now?” He says instead. Evan had his stories, but he never went back on them unless he absolutely had to.

They were stopped on the side of the road so Evan could only pretend to look out the window for so long. He looks at his fingernails instead. “I just… I never fell out of a tree until today.” He tucks his hands under his legs. “It’s different. I tried not to- not to think about what I did.” He wipes at his eyes again. “At all. So I said- said that I fell be-because I figured it’ll be the same thing, I guess… It isn't. I said this- this happened and now it did, and it, it was sort of a closure? I don't know-  So I um, I don’t want you to do anything- I’ll be- I’ll be fine. I just wanted someone to know.”

“No one else knows?” Jared asks slowly. He remembers Evan telling him that no one had gone looking for him and he had to walk back to camp with a broken arm all by himself. He wishes that was a part of the lie, but he would know better.

Evan shakes his head.

“Right, okay.” Jared breaths out of his mouth. He wants to ask if he regretted what he did, or what he was thinking. “Just-” He want’s to tell him not to do anything of the sort, but he knows he has no control over it. “You  _ can’t.”  _ He says and he feels his chin quiver. Crap, he’s held it together so well this far. “I’ll tell everyone you write sex letters to your therapist if you do.” He threatens because he knows he has to at least seem bigger than Evan when tears flood his eyes. He has to hold it together. 

He and Evan were best friends before Evan got lost in his own head and pushed Jared along with everyone else away. Now he was inviting Jared back. “You’re the only freaking-” Evan is the only one that will listen to him. His dad doesn’t have the time and his mother doesn’t have the care. “You’re the only friend I got.” Jared gives and not even Evan was expecting that.

“Hey-” Evan tries to stop Jared's tears just as much as Jared does, but his eyes are watery as well. They were like that when this conversation started so Jared doesn’t think much of it. “Do you think you can skip school tomorrow?” Evan asks seemingly out of nowhere.

“Why?” Jared croaks.

Evan smile is faked, but it did serve as a peace offering. “I don’t think school is going to be great for me tomorrow, I didn’t- I didn’t get much of a break today.” Jared can laugh at that. He knows he sent Connor his way because he was worried about Evan, but he also knew he wouldn’t be of much help. It wouldn’t hurt to try though.

“Yeah, I guess, but I pick what toppings we get on the pizza.” Jared grins, pulling back onto the road.

“Is this about-”

“Yes, it is about the pineapple pizza, you freak.” Jared interrupts, and he hears Evan snort.

“It’s not my fault I have taste buds, Jared.” He says as he clicks the power button on his phone again, but he actually has a text message so he occupies himself with that.

“No, you really don’t”

 

Jared ends up staying the night at Evans place. He doesn’t remember the last time he’s looked forward to hanging out with Evan, but here he was, hanging off the edge of Evans bed while he tried to toss various chex mix pieces into his mouth.

“So when you supposed to go the cult mee-”

“Dinner.” Evan corrects.

“-ting with the Muprhys?” He watches Evan roll his eyes.

“Zoe is going to pick me up on her way home from school.” Evan answers anyways. He lands another piece.

“Mmmmm” Wiggling his eyebrows prove to be harder when he’s upside down, but it still makes Evan sputter and try to cover his own ass.

“No! No, it’s not like that.”  He tries even though his face is already a few shades darker. Unrequited crushes aside, the reaction was cute. He wonders if Connor knew Evan liked Zoe and how he would take it. He would have to be an idiot to not have noticed it. 

“I should only be an hour or two if you just wanna- um- chill here, if you want? I don’t know how long you want to- it’s up to you.” Evan says, and Jared has a hard time finding what the question actually was even though he was paying attention this time.

“Don’t let them sacrifice you, but text me if the do so I won't be waiting for you.” Jared finally replies and watches as Evan almost smiles at that.

 

He texts his dad to with the shoddy excuse that he and Evan were working on a project so he needed to stay the night. He spends the majority of the night staring at Evans ceiling on a slowly deflating air mattress. He remembers why he never stays the night  _ anywhere.  _ It’s because he can’t freaking sleep, and when he’s at home at least he could roam the house and raid the fridge. But this isn’t his home so he eyes the silhouette of Evan who hasn’t moved in the past to hours. He’s known Evan to be a heavy sleeper and that he would be free to get up and do as he pleased around the house, but he resigns himself to squinting at the bright screen of his phone.

Heidi always seemed to be a morning person that rose with the sun, and her son wasn’t too far behind her. They were both awake by the time Jared opened his sleep crusted eyes, which was noon, but still. Evan laid on his bed with his laptop on his stomach and his headphones plugged in. He could hear Heidi downstairs and the beep of a microwave, probably warming up lunch before she had to go to school or work or anywhere but here.

His phone buzzes with a text from his mother. He can already feel the dread in his gut.

12:13  _ A few colleges of mine are taking their kids to Chilli’s this Sat. Coming?  _

12:14  _ cant im busy. school project with Evan (JK) _

He shuts his phone before it dings again. He doesn’t look at her response. It’s probably another generic ‘oh okay’ and Jared can’t bring himself to feel bad about it. Only his parent has the right to drag him to an awful social dinner, and she wasn’t even close to it. 

He turns to Evan instead, who doesn’t seem to know he’s awake yet.

“What are you watching?” Jared asks loud enough for Evan to jump before he taking a earbud out and looking at Jared questioningly. “I can’t believe you’re watching porn with me sitting in the same room.” Jared says instead.

The expression Evan gives him looks like he’s about to start several sentences, but moves onto the next defense before anything actually leaves his mouth. “I’m not.” He settles with as he turns the screen so Jared can see.

It looks like some sort of cop show, but he doesn’t recognize it. He raises an unimpressed eyebrow. “That looks like a pretty impressive plot… please don’t tell me you’re one of those people that watch the plot and care about the storyline because-”

“I’m not watching porn!” Evan squeaks, his face the same red as before. Jared missed this. Evan usually doesn’t pay him enough attention to get worked up over anything he teases him over. 

“Okay, but real question: do you prefer plot or no?” Jared grins and Evan groans exasperated.

“I’m not answering this.” Evan looks thoroughly done. Mildly irritated Evan has to be Jared's favorite.

“Okay, but I prefer-”

“Jared!” Evan interrupts and he even takes a moment to cover his ears, but pulls them back once Jared stops talking. “I’m watching Gotham.” Evan finally answers, moving the mouse so the title appeared on the screen.

“Got Ham.” Jared dumbly replies. He hates that he already has an idea what it was about. Batman was overrated.

“Shut up.” Evan falls back into his spot. “Do you want to watch with me?”

“Are you asking if I want to watch your nerd shit?” Jared grins, but he doesn’t think he’ll pass up the opportunity to squish in next to Evan in his tiny twin size bed.

“It’s not all that super hero-y. It’s set up more like a cop show with gangs and mobsters and stuff.” Evan grins, and Jared won’t lie, it does sound like something he’d watch in his free time.

“Yeah, I don’t have anything better to do.” He says as he flops down next to Evan.

“Do you want me to restart it?” 

“Nah, I don’t care enough and you’d just be wasting your time.” He lies.

 

Binge watching cops shoot at murderers and using Evans shoulder as a pillow was a whole lot more mind numbing than the average brain cell killing tv series marathon. Especially since Evans steady breathing was lulling him back to sleep and his bed was more comfortable than the air mattress ever will be. But dinner time rolled around faster than he thought it would. 

He watches Evan frantically dig through his closet for something nice to wear but not too nice because he didn’t want to seem stuck up. As much as Jared loves sitting here and just listening to Evan mouth run a marathon, he knows there’s less of a filter then there was before.

“What do you think Cynthia’s favorite color is?”

“Cynthia?” 

“Connors mom.”

“You call her Cynthia? Not Mrs. Murphy or- ohhh” A grin splits Jareds face.

“Why do you think I’m some - some sexual deviant- or something?” Evan beats him to it.

“Not a sexual deviant, just a middle aged rich person magnet.” He watches as Evan does his best ‘I’m disappointed in you and standing in the doorway’ pose against the closet door frame.”I mean, what suburban mom wouldn’t want to get her hands on that?” He gestures to Evan before Evan shuts the closet door on himself so he can be out of this conversation.

Jared wants to poke at the ‘in the closet’ aspect of this joke, but that was low hanging fruit. “Okay, are you trying to tell me Mr. Sheilman is more your flow?” He says through the door. He takes the easy jokes anyways.

Evan opens the door, and seemingly forgotten their earlier conversation. He has a blue plaid button up in his hands. “It’s Mr.Sheerman by the way.” 

“Thanks for proving my point.” Jareds grin falls off his face when Evan pulls his shirt off over his head. Of course he knows that Evan just spent the summer as a park ranger meaning he was probably scaling tree after tree and building up whatever the hell Jared was witnessing right now. This wasn’t fair. He pointed looks to Evans face instead because he knows Evan is observant in unusual situations, but his hair is askew and he pulls the button up over his shoulders. Evan doesn’t seem the least bit concerned about his audience watching him.

“This should be good, I think.” Evan says as he focuses of the buttons of his shirt. 

“They’re not going to care. Plus you look like a little lumberjack.” Jared shrugs, putting his mind back in order. He can hear the sound of a car pull into the driveway.

Evan, seemingly more worried about the idea of him looking like a lumberjack (which Evan was far to baby faced to manage a look like that) than his ride, he looks back to his closet.

“Not in a bad way, you're fine.” Jared rolls his eyes as Evans phone dings with a text he knew was from Zoe.

“Right, right,” He slips his shoes on easily since he never untied his shoelaces. “You’ll be okay here by yourself?” He looks over his shoulder before he leaves the room altogether.

“Yeah, if I get lonely I’ll just do a couple rounds of Bloody Mary in your bathroom.” Jared grins, but Evan smiles his goodbye and turns to leave, clearly not even listening to Jareds second half of the statement.

He ends up filling his time with three more episodes of Gotham before he hears another car pull up in the driveway. He stretches where he had gotten stiff on Evans overly plush mattress. It was an awfully quick two hours for Jared at least. He peaks out the window to see the car still idling in the driveway and no sign of Evan. He recognises the car as the one that picked up Evan, but that didn’t explain why the car was shutting off and both side doors swing open. 

Evan finally steps out of the car and scurries to the drivers side to help a very begrudging looking Connor out. Which only makes Jared question why Zoe didn’t take him home, and why was Connor driving when he clearly shouldn’t be?

He heads toward the front door to get some answers, but he ends up meeting them halfway in the living room as Connor drops onto the couch with a pained groan. As if on instinct, he props his wrapped ankle onto the coffee table. Evan starts to unwrap his calf and Connor looks like he wants to tell Evan to leave him alone, but stays quiet anyways.

“You want some drugs?” Jared speaks up and Connor snaps to him ready to defend himself from something Jared hadn’t even meant to reference. He’s ready to hear it, but instead Evan cuts him off from the chance.

“Ibuprofen, please.” Evan asks softly as he uncovers the splint underneath. They all can see the varying purples growing up Connor's calf as Evan carefully takes the splint off. “Its just the wrap pushing the blood around. There’s no-” Evan pushes alongside the line of purple on the calf and Connor doesn’t seem to be bothered by it. “There’s no new bruising.” He rubs his thumb over where a spot has begun to turn more of a yellow green color.

He can hear them easily talking back to each other when he moves to pull the pill bottle off the top of the fridge. It’s strange since he’s known both of them to be socially stunted.

“Good?” He hears Evan ask when he returns. He has one hand wrapped around Connors ankle and the other pushing his foot in a growing radius.

“Yeah.” Connor seems to be feeling better than when he first came in. Jared silently hands him the bottle of pills.

“I don’t think crippled people are supposed to be driving.” Jared says after they both seem to stop talking after he’s entered the room. He takes a seat on the couch next to Connor.

“I’m willing to sprain my other ankle just to kick your ass, Kleinman. Don’t forget that.” Connor says like a warning and Jared feels nostalgic for his weird sense of humor. If Evan and Connor were going through this much effort to fuck him over, the least he could do was fall for it.

“That’s what I expect in any man” he grins. Connor rolls his eyes good naturedly. “How’d the dinner go?” He finds himself talking to Connor rather than Evan, but he’s busy stretching Connors ankle and he’s promised him an off day. He can be nice for a day for Evan.

“It went.” Connor shrugs.

“On a scale from ten to Thanksgiving with shitty relatives:” Jared prompts further.

“It was awkward as hell.” He says as Evan silently asks if he wanted his wrap back on and he shakes his head no.

“Yeah, he tends to be that way.” Jared snorts because if no one is going to laugh at his joke he will.

“I didn’t-” Evan starts, but trails off.

“It was mostly Larry and Zoe.” He shrugs, but looks like he wants to forget the subject more and more with each passing second.

“Hmmm.” Jared nods. “You wanna kill old people to blow off some of that teenage angst?” Jared offers and Connor looks at him like he’s just insulted him.

“Grand Theft Auto- He’s talking about- Jared.” Evan fixes for him because Jared just caught onto how that sounded. “Sorry.” He says anyways.

Connors look of irritation moves onto Evan and Evan ducks into the other room to avoid it. “Yeah, I guess.” Connor eventually answers.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next update will be the 14th because I'm finally ahead in writing this


	10. Better To Burn

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Evan learns to move on and let himself heal, things are looking up.

POVE

* * *

 

They got along faster than Evan expected them to. He could still tell it was mainly because they just wouldn’t talk about Jareds years of harassment. They could ignore what has happened between them when they focus on going after each other with guns and fists and cars. 

“Where did you get an airplane?” Jared mutters as Connor tries to use the map to find where he’s hiding. If he’s planning on nose diving that plan right on Jared, he’s going to end up killing the both of them, but he doesn’t seem to care.

Evan watches them idly chat back and forth with their eyes both glued to the screen.

“So how was the sacrifice?” Jared brings Evan into the conversation.

“It wasn’t a-  _ Jared.”  _ Evan shushes because Connor is sitting right there and they had been getting along to this point.

“I’d call it more of an execution ring.” Connor replies easily. He seems undisturbed by it like Jared would know how much Connor disliked his family.

“It was fine.” Evan answers the initial question. Connor looked at him unimpressed.

“The didn’t say anything shitty because Evan was there so they did say anything at all. It was awkward as fuck.” Connor rolls his eyes, but the look in his eye told him that he just found Jared on the map.

“Remind me to never go to one of your family dinners.” 

“You’ll never be invited.” Connor easily replies. Evan is still expecting the insults being thrown around to sting one of them, but neither one of them gets angry. Neither one of them start getting loud or threatening. It was like some sort of magical switch were flipped and they were friends. It was as if nothing ever happened.

Jared places his hands on his heart like whatever Connor had said was heartfelt. His character stops moving on the screen. “Aw, Con, you’d really save me from that?” Jared grins. Connor rolls his eyes and takes his airplane in decent. They all watch silently as the plane crashes violently and both parts of the tv screen turn red. 

 

Evan winds up falling asleep on the couch sometime after. He doesn’t know when Connor had left, but he isn’t there and Jared had taken his bed when he wakes Saturday morning.

He plugs his earbuds in his laptop and signs into Netflix. His recommended has changed now that Connor has been using his account regularly. He scrolls through his history to make sure he hadn’t watched anything weird that Connor might have seen. Like a reminder, he checks his phone and there’s two messages from Connor.

2:06am  _ didnt want to wake you to tell you i was leave so ‘im leaving’ (CM) _

2:30am  _ im NOT mad, dont even think it (CM) _

9:48am  _ thanks for driving me home sorry it stressed out your foot (EH) _

He clicks off his phone. He knows Connor probably wouldn’t be awake until sometime after Jared so he had time to kill. 

 

Jared ends up coming downstairs sometime after the third episode of Planet Earth.

“Mornin’” He grumbled with a fist rubbing his eyes. He drags his feet all the way to the fridge like he lived here.

“Noon.” Evan feebly corrects and Jared just stares at him through two squinted eyes. Evan lays back down on the couch with his laptop to hide from Jared scrutinizing gaze. Mom hadn’t had time to go grocery shopping in the past two weeks so there wasn't much other than popcorn and bread. Jared seems to have figured it out because he’s walking to the couch and flopping himself over the backrest. “Jared why?” He grunts under his friend's weight.

He and Jared were friends now. Well, they always were, but Jared hated to admit because who wouldn’t? He’s not exactly proud of how he got Jared to admit it, but at least for now they were friends rather than just family friends.

“Don’t get weird on me.” Jared grins, digging an elbow into Evans side. He tries his best to hide his discomfort. 

“Hmm?” He’s not sure what he meant by that. By Jared's standards, Evan was always weird.

“You started zoning out on me when I’m on you.” Jared props his head on his hand (further digging his elbow into Evan) and gives Evan a lopsided grin. It was strange watching Jared try to pull a cutesy girl pose whilst laying on him. Evan, with lack of better things to do, does the first thing that came to mind and knocks the arm out from Jared's head. At least his elbow was finally out of his stomach.

“Sorry, I just-” Evan immediately says to Jared with his face buried in his chest. Why would he try to get physical when Jared was just joking around? It was completely uncalled for.

“You’re going to pay for that, kid.” Jared says and at first Evan is worried he’s crossed the line again, no, he knows he crossed the line. But he sees Jared smile when he lifts his head. Despite the red in his face, he doesn’t seem angry.

And then Jared wiggling fingers at his sides.

“No!”He bucks, trying to get Jared off of him from where most of his weight sat.”Ja-Jared!” He tried to kick, but Jared had him pinned down there too. He pushes with his arms, but he’s too weak from laughing and every feeble attempt only has Jared grinning wider.

It was his last option, but Jared hadn’t left him much choice. He rolls over, sending Jared to the floor. He reaches out for anything to hold onto in his plummet, but it was only Evan. He was determined to bring Evan down with him.

They crash in a pile on the floor and Evan ends up kissing the floor much harder than he ever wanted.

“Ow, ow, ow, ow.” He rolls off of Jared quickly in favor of holding his runny nose. Jared quickly sits up to asses the damage, but has to coerce the hands off of Evans nose. He holds Evans hands to himself despite the blood in his palms. After the initial pain recedes, all that’s left is a gentle throbbing and a slow blood flow from his nose. Jared presses on the bridge of his nose, and all Evan can do is watch. He finds himself staring wide eyed at Jared who was holding his face close to inspect his nose who was wearing a concerned look that shouldn’t have made Evan feel things. 

“How bad does it hurt?” Jared asks softly. He remembers the look when Connor fell from the tree. He just hadn’t realized how it felt to have those eyes directly on him.

Evan shrugs instead of answering because his front teeth hurt, and he can taste blood coming from the inside of his lip. He knows it probably looks worse than it is. “Not really anymore.” He answers once he’s sure he sucked the blood from the front of his teeth.

He misses the grin from the tickle fight. He misses the irritated look from the fridge. He didn’t like the worry creasing Jared's face too much.

“Is the floor a good kisser?” Just like that, the grin was back. He finally deemed Evan actually okay.  Why didn’t anyone believe him when he said he was fine?

It was like out if irritation his nose hurt more. “Shut up.” He grumbles, trying to massage the sore feeling out of his nose. There was still blood dripping down his chin.

“You look badass though.” Jared says, and Evans not sure if that was his attempt to make him feel better. Jared was quick to take a picture of Evans bloody face before Evan could get in a word otherwise.

“What are doing with- don’t post that online.” Evan tries to peek over the screen of his phone. Jared only has to lean back to stop him from doing that. Whatever he did, he finished quickly, clicked his phone off and placed on the coffee table they narrowly missed with a smile. “What did you do with that picture?”

“Wouldn’t you like to know?” The more calm Jared seems about this, the more Evan can feel panic rising. It’s just a picture of him with a bloody nose, what  _ could  _ he do with it? Evan had no idea, he didn’t if there was some marking for boys with bloody noses, or if Jared posted it on instagram that he got in a fight and lost. What if that made other kids want to fight him? He wasn’t on the fighting markets.

His phone dings in his pocket and he knows it holds the answer the whatever Jared has done. He practically rips it out of his pocket.

It's a group chat message between him, Jared, and Connor. He wants to know how Jared got ahold of Connors number. They seemed to get along when he fell asleep, but he wasn’t sure if they were doing it for Evan's sake. It was clear that they were at some weird cease fire agreement, but he wasn’t sure how deep that agreement ran. Evan hoped that this would lead to the end of their feud. 

Or Jared just took his number from Evans phone and now Connor was going to be upset with him.

There was only two messages so far.

1:23pm  _ [Image Sent]  _ (JK) It was the picture of Evan with the bloody nose.

1:23pm  _ Oops :0 (JK) _

(CM) Read at 1:24pm

Jared phone rings immediately after. It’s like watching a train wreck in slow motion. He wasn’t sure how Connor took it. He wasn’t sure if this was the end of the peace treaty. Jared holds the phone to his ear. He can hear Connors garbled voice on the other end, but he can only make out ‘...fuck...ER?’.

“What? No, I have my car and you’re not supposed to be driving.” Jareds grin falls. He looks a little disappointed, probably because of the lack of anger in Connor. “He doesn’t even need to go...yes, I know for sure, you don’t think I’ve asked him?...I think he would know if it was broken or not... _ I  _ could tell if it was broken or not...he kissed the floor…” 

“Jared-” Evan hisses because he doesn’t have to word it like that every time.

“No-it wasn’t my- okay, maybe a little...I was tickling him and he tried to kick my butt of the couch and I dragged him down with-... no, his nose broke his fall...stop telling me what to do...no, wait- I think his lips is bleeding too.” Jareds attention his back on Evan and he tries to back up as he reaches for him with his free hand. Without even asking, he tries to open Evans mouth with his (questionable) fingers. Evan has very little options at this point, but he follows the first idea that comes to mind. He bites the first finger he can get ahold of.

“Crap! Evan what the hell?!” Jared yanks his fingers back, shaking the pain away. He can here Connors worried voice through the speaker, but he can’t still make out what was said. “Wha- No. The little shit bit me-” They both can hear Connors loud cackling. Any want to apologise went unnoticed by Evan.

 

Connor ends up coming over ten minutes later, and Jared practically has Evan pinned down by the sink.

“Why the frick is it not coming off?” Jared grumbles, Connor should be here any minute now. 

“Because it's dry- ow.” Evan squeezes his eye shut, and Jared lets up on his scrubbing force. “Why are you- I can do it.” 

“Connor told me like three times to clean. Do you have any idea what will happen if you’re still bloody when he gets here?” He’s got one blood streak wiped away.

“He’s going to kick your ass?” Evan guesses. He doesn’t know what Jared wanted him to say.

“No-well, I wouldn’t rule that out, but he’s going to take you away.” Jared says cryptically. 

“Like child protective services?” Evan deadpans.

“Exactly-” Evan manages to take the rag from Jared hand. He can wipe his own face, thank you.

“My blood is still on the floor.” He diverts Jared even though he’s not sure if he did bleed past his face.

Evans face is clean just before Connor walks in without knocking.

 

He begins to believe that maybe the war between Jared and Connor was over. They were comfortable around each other to the point where it was hard not to claim them close friends. Being there with them, it was easy to get carried away. It was easy to ignore the nagging in the back of his mind that something wasn’t right. It was easy to listen to Jared and Connor go back and forth with worsening jokes, and laughing at the ones that weren’t really funny.

He doesn’t have to ask for one of them to answer the door when the pizza delivery guy shows up, they understand. He doesn’t have to ask them to keep him distracted until his mom gets home, they understand. For now he can forget that Jared and Connor used to hate each other, and he thinks they have forgotten too. Jared doesn’t joke to tear down Connors pride and Connor isn’t immediately hostile when Jared opens his mouth.

He remembers feeling relieved a few days after he had broken his arm. It was when he was watching stupid documentaries about everything, and they were going over the bogus prices of funerals. He had been so stupid and nearly cost his mother's tens of thousands of dollars. He looked for other ways to leave this world that wouldn’t involve his mother shelling out money that she didn’t have to fix it.

He was finally forced to come to terms with the fact that he was forced to stay here. He tried to be okay. He tried to comes to terms with living because he hated the temptations that lay right around every corner. He hated being selfish, and wanting to throw his mother's money into a hole with his body. So he held onto stupid inspirational quotes because his mother couldn’t afford for him to die, but no matter how hard he tried, the emptiness never filled.

He had held onto the idea that everything gets better, and maybe it does for a little while. He failed his attempt and the hurt slowly fades from his heart, but the void was still there. Now the void was a little smaller. His heart felt a little lighter despite it being fuller. He could honestly say he was happy rather than just a compensated feeling. He was happy to be here with Connor trying to give Jared a noogie and him calling Evan for help. It was supposed to get better, and maybe it had. Maybe this was what he was waiting for. He didn’t need to leave this world, all he had to do was wait.

“Evan?” He doesn’t know who is speaking out. He’s too busy trying to wipe the embarrassing tears from his cheeks. Way to be dramatic Evan.

“Hey…” He can feels the couch dip under Connors weight. He’s close, but not quite touching. Jared seats on the other side of Evan, just as close as Connor is. There's an arm on the back of the couch behind him and he’s not sure who it belongs to.

“I’m fine..” He says and his voice is hoarse from tears that just started. He knows what it looks like. He knows he doesn’t look fine, but he was teary because he realized that he  _ really was fine  _ this time.

He can hear them whispering to each other. They’d been doing the a lot whenever Evan would leave the room. He’s close enough that whispering won’t stop him from listening in. Connors insistent that this has something to do with the bloody nose, and Jared denies the possibility of Evan having any sort of brain damage because of he landed face first. Their back and forth get louder until Evan just has to remove himself from between them.

“It’s not about that.” Evan says, standing in front of both of them. Jared sends an ‘I told you so’ look to Connor. “It’s just-” He’s not sure how to even begin wording what he felt. Or if he wanted to. “It’s stupid.” He shakes his head. Normal people always feel like this. This wasn’t some accomplishment, it was just him catching up to everyone else.

“Don’t think we have standards.” Connor replies.

“It can’t be more stupid than the tree climbi-” Jared grins, obviously not harboring any real irritation.

“Can it.” Connor rolls his eyes. “So?” Connor looks at him and Evan can feel the timer counting down the time he has to fess up. He’s not sure what happens if he’s too late.

“Okay, but this is dumb.” Evan starts.

“These are our expectations:” Jared reaches down to touch the floor and nudges Connor to do the same. “Low.”

“We’re expecting stupid.” Connor says as he dusts his hand off on Jareds pants.

“Okay, right, so...I’m okay.” He starts. They both nod, silently egging him on. “I’m- you know- you know how everybody says ‘it gets better’? And it’s stupid because that’s not how the universe works.” He knows Jared get’s what he’s aiming at and even though he’s never told Connor, he still seems to understand. He doesn’t think he’s been that obvious, but he doesn’t let himself get tripped up on that. “But, um, maybe it does, or it did? Maybe it’s just me, and maybe this is all ‘better’ is for me, but… I’m okay. I’m getting better.” Evan nods and winds his fingers together. He’s done talking and all that’s left is what was left of Jared and Connors expectations.

Connor was the first to stand, and he seems to know more than what he’s been told. Jareds not far behind. “Maybe there’s a reason to believe you’ll be okay.” Jared says softly, and the tears Evan had fought back were now staining his face again. Both of his friends were smiling despite it all, and he found himself sandwiched between them. They were both squeezing him gently, and he felt safe, like not even his mind could hurt him. It was the same kind of hug that squeezed out the bad thoughts like his mother could. Jared keeps his head on Evans shoulder and Connor rests his head on Evans hair.

They don’t say anything, they understand.

 

In the end there’s only so much physical comfort Evan wants before he needs his own space back. Evan leaves the two in favor of washing the numb feeling of dry tears off of his face. He knows they’re planning something by the way their chattering stops when he comes back. He’s going to be honest, the feeling of Jared and Connor talking behind his back is a little foreboding. He tries not to think too much on it. He actually has two real friends so what they say behind his back couldn’t be too bad, right? Right?

“Do you want to go to the store with us? Me and Con were planning on doing a hot dog roast or something tonight.” Jared grins, silently easing the paranoia in Evans veins. He has to remind himself that there are more interesting things to talk about that himself; like weenie roasts.

“Yeah, sure.” He shrugs.

“You know I’m going to sit in the car the entire time.” Connor quips as he stands.

“Useless.” Jared snorts as he follows them outside.

There’s no other car in the driveway except for Jared's.

“Did Zoe give you a ride?” Evan immediately regrets asking once it’s left his mouth. He already know himself that Zoe would in no way willingly give Connor a ride anywhere. “Sorry, I didn’t mean li-”

“Evan, please.” Connor rolls his eyes. He’s agitated, but only mildly expresses it.

“What? Did Mommy Murphy give you a ride?” Jared taunts the beast.

“ _ Jared.”  _ Evan reprimands before Connor makes Jared regret opening his mouth.

“Whatever, Kleinman. I know you’re jealous.” Connor responds easily, and Evan thinks him blowing up would have been better for Jared. Evan knows Jared's mom is a sore topic and Connor hit the nail on the head like he knew where to aim.

Jared only scoffs like it was a bad joke, but his posture was immediately different. He silently climbed into the driver's seat, and Connor silently pulled himself into the back seats like he had an idea what he’s done.

“Sorry. That was shitty.” Connor grumbles once Jared's backed out of the driveway.

He doesn’t respond and they all ride to the grocery store in silence. Evan wants someone to break the tension so he doesn’t have to dwell on the left over negative feelings after Connors apology.

Once pulling into the parking lot, Jared acts as if nothing ever happened, like he hadn’t endured a painfully quiet car ride for fifteen minutes.

“You staying?” He asks into the car. Connor flops down into a lying position as his answer.

 

Evan shadows Jared as the load up the cart with various ‘weenie roast’ approvable items before checking out and heading home. Connor was rolling circles with his unbandaged foot and pressing it against the door the majority of the way home.

“Is it bothering you?” Evans asks because he won’t endure another car ride like before.

“Not really.” Connor shrugs.

 

Connor impressively puts weight on it to limps his way into the house, but still sits in one of the backyard seats as Evan and Jared set the fire up.

“Do you have a match?” Evan asks only to turn and find Jared whispering something frantically to Connor before jumping straight up.

“What?” 

Evan hates confrontation, and he hates asking when it clearly wasn’t any of his business, but this was going to eat him up.

“What were you- what were you guys talking about?” Evan had to keep his tone casual, but he can’t recall a time when he hadn’t sound like a scared little kid.

“Right, uh-” Jared starts, Evan is ready for him to tell him to mind his freaking business because that’s what he needs to do. It wasn’t for Evan to know and now he’s made everything awkward. Jared looks over to Connor because he can tell Evan off easier.

“Don’t make me explain it.” Connor says with a forced levelness. Evan can hear the panic that closely resembles his own.

“Then give it to me.” Jared fully addresses Connor this time with his hand held out. Connor pulls a folded piece of printed paper out of his pocket and puts it into Jareds hand. Evan hated how familiar that paper looked, and he sincerely hoped it was just his mind playing tricks on him. “Me and Connor were taking.” He knows, and he wonders just how much was said about that letter or about what he had told Jared the night they took Connor to the ER. They were going to send him to a psych ward. They were going to put him on suicide watch and then everyone is going to know and they'll watch Evan like he was some sort of deranged dog. How disappointed would his mother be? How much would this cost his mother? He watched Jared pulls out a box of matches as well. “You’re doing better-” It’s a statement. It’s not connected to a ‘you said’. It wasn’t all in his head. He was getting better. “So we figured you might want to let go of this.” He hands Evan the note and the box of matches.

The paper felt like it was burning his hands already. He looked to Connor for his two cents.

“I don’t want it, the things like a bad fucking omen or something to me.” Connor crosses his arms, pointedly staying seated even though he had used it as a suicide note and burning it probably meant as much to Connor.

So he unfolded it, letting the words face the sky and set fire to it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'll be posting the next chapter December 21st, and then I'll be taking a week off for family (and because writing is absolutely kicking my ass)


	11. Bloody Movies of the Fall

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Moms are the best wing man

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a heads up, this whole fic is set in 2015 (basically they're in senior year when the DEH had its opening) at least until new years, hey

POVC

* * *

 

It only took about two weeks for Connor to walk normally. In that time he was traded off between Evan, Jared, and Alana to be escorted to his next class. It was hard to skip class when Evan helped him carry his things. It was too easy to skip when Jared carried his things because he had this stupid unspoken guilt that would lead him close to doing anything Connor asked of him. He tried not to speak to Alana when she helped him to his next class, which if anyone knew her, they would know that is impossible.

The strange thing was that she still talked to him after he could walk normally.

“See? He does have an arm under there.” Jared grins to Connor as they both stare at Evan as he pulls the sleeves of his jacket down. Connor squishes the uncasted arm, and he hates to admit how different Evan looked without it.

“Lemme see.” Connor tugs on his sleeve. He wonders if there was a scar leftover from the surgery Evan mentioned.

“My arm?” Evan looked at him skeptically.

“C’mon, it’s the one part of you he hasn’t seen.” Jared winks. Evan doesn’t seem as bothered by Jared's commentary as when they first all started talking. Evan doesn’t feel the need to defend Connor from Jared or vise versa, and the need for a buffer between them is less and less everyday. Evan just rolls his eyes irritably, and he's pretty sure Evan had picked that up from him.

“I will end you.” Connor mutters without any real intentions of following through.

Evan rolls up his sleeve anyways and he can tell even Jared's interest is peaked. 

“It left a freaking scar? You never said you bone went through your freaking arm.” Jared gaped, clearly disgusted. That’s what he gets for trying to picture it. 

“What? No, it’s a surgery scar- to realign it?” Evan explains before rolling his sleeve back down.

“Evan, your cast is off!” Another voice interrupts their three man solitude and it’s easy to tell Evan is  _ not  _ a fan of that.

“Uh, yeah-” He turns to Alana, bouncing on her heels. He never understood how she was so energetic at seven in the fucking morning especially with October being unfairly cold this year.

“That’s wonderful! I was wondering if you three would want to go the Halloween Bash?” She says it like it was some personal party, even though it was a school event and they had poster slathering the wall despite the fact that it was the beginning of fucking October. “They’re planning on costume contest and-”

“Fuck that- there’s no way in hell.” Connor interrupts because he wasn’t about to listen to an infomercial of a person.

“Yeah, I’m not really looking forward to it.” Jared follows in.

Evan just sheepishly shakes his head with a “sorry.”

“Oh- okay” He almost felt bad for how disappointed she looked. He knew her tricks; acting like a shitty con man to guilt people into going to trashy school events. “I’ll see you guys around then.” She dismissed herself.

Evan looked about as upset as she did, and he wished he would have shooed her off when she first startled Evan.

“Did you wanna go?” Connor amends, not sure if Evan just went with the flow of his friends.

“What- no, going would be a nightmare.” Evan pulled on the straps of his backpack.

“Not the halloweeny kind.” Jared clarifies.

“Not the haloweeny kind- no” As if sensing why Connor even asked when he knew the answer, he answer the unasked question. “No, I just, she seemed so excited about it-”

“She’s also excited about finals, I wouldn’t trust her judgment.” Jared inputs.

“She probably got stuck advertising the tickets because no one wants to fucking go.” Connor leans against the lockers and they’re freezing against his back. This school really needed to crank up the fucking heat.

He had no idea what he was going to do for Halloween. He usually did jack shit because he had no friends to do anything with, and he was running out of increasingly shitty ways to decline Zoes (forced by their parents) offer to go the whatever party she was attending. He was pretty sure he was still going to do jack shit because why the hell would Evan or Jared want - stop, fuck. Why was he like this? 

Cold locker, the soft clicking of Jared turning out his locker combination, closed eyes, breathe.

He remembers how Evan would be standing next to Jared every morning, how he would race past them with clenched teeth like he was running from his anger rather than Jared. The more he had bothered to listen to Jared the faster his anger took him, until he had actually stopped in a petty attempt to defend himself, and the anger ate him made an enemy out of everyone, and now he stands next to Jared every morning while he digs in his locker. He can’t really wrap his head around how fast things have flipped.

“Connor?” He hears Evan ask.

“Huh?” He blinks.

“You zoned out pretty hard there, where’d you go?” Jared says in his shitty way of showing his worry. 

“You okay?” Evan was a little more obvious.

He was used to the worry from his mother; the smothering option that he could answer honestly, but knowing that nothing will fucking happen other than a over dinner argument.

“Yeah,” He picks himself off the cold locker. “Yeah, I’m fine What?”

Jared scoffs like having to repeat himself was the worst thing Connor has ever made him do.

“I said ‘what do you guys want to do for Halloween because I know neither one of you have other plans.’” Jared shuts his locker.

“ I suggested maybe a scary movie marathon?” Evan watches Alana try to convince more students. He’s not really paying attention to this conversation either.

Connor hasn’t done anything for Halloween since Elementary school. Between being grounded and being too old for trick or treating, he doesn’t really know what typical teenage Halloween traditions are.

“I don’t care.” He shrugs. He guesses anything would be better than being stuck at home to hear Zoe come in drunk off her ass at three in the fucking morning.

 

He hadn’t expected them to follow through with their plans. He hadn’t expected their weird friendship to last this long is he was being completely honest. He spent so long convincing himself that he liked to be the lone wolf because people were shitty and he would be better off without. He still thinks people were shitty, but Jared and Evan weren’t this two sided forced niceness. They were lone wolves in their own problems and so they’ve made themselves a pack of outsiders and there’s strength in numbers. Once the murmuring behind him finally fucking stopped when he came back, he was actually treated like a human being. He hasn’t been harassed in the hallway since. He wasn’t the crazy kid at school anymore because crazy kids don’t have friends.

Crazy kids don’t shove two slices of pizza in his mouth because his ex-bully told him he couldn’t.

They were two movies in; Jared picks gory slasher films while Evan sides more on freaky mind twisters that makes you not trust your parents.

“Augh, you monster.” Jared says around his own slice.

Evans dinner money only got them a large pizza, and it will only hold off the three of them for so long. He was silently considering ordering something more, maybe some desert hmm. Where did he leave his wallet?

They both jump when a chainsaw starts on screen; Evan is wrapped up in the movie to give them any mind about their stupid pizza bet. Connor will pay attention long enough to watch some unsuspecting idiot lose an arm and the bloods spews unnaturally. He feels queasy and the pizza in his mouth immediately feels weird. He looks to the coffee table, trying to drown out the sound of blood pouring to the ground. He swallows and everything wants to come up. Fuck.  _ Fuck.  _

He thinks he hears footsteps behind him, but scary movies set him on edge and his blames it on his nerves. At least until Jared is jumping off the couch, screaming, and trying to drag Evan and Connor with him. If he was being honest, he immediately believed in the footsteps and was ready to run, but Evan wasn’t so following. He pulls his arm away as quickly Jared grabbed him as if Jared was the one who was attacking.

The room fills with unfamiliar laughter, but it disarmed Jareds panic, and Connor follows suit. 

Heidi is using the back of the couch for support as she chokes on laughter. Jared looks genuinely offended.

“Why would you do that?!” He squeaks, still heaving out left over adrenaline.

She doesn’t seem the least bit remorseful. “I’m sorry.” She says with a smile splitting her face. “Evan, you didn’t tell me you where having friends over.” She moves on from Jared, looking far too proud for Evan having  _ two  _ friends over. He’s been avoiding having any of their hangouts at his own his house because his mother was ridiculously proud with just Evan.

“Hu-oh, yeah, um, is that okay?” Evan seems a little unsettled, and it would be a fair guess that it was either the overly gory movie or Jared grabbing and trying to drag him out of his chair. He doesn’t think he’s ever seen Jared touch him, and Connor respected the idea and followed suit.

“Of course.” The reaction seeps the enthusiasm from her and Connor feels disappointed for her. Watching them interact was bizzare; they were so alike that they were to identical puzzle pieces that wouldn’t fit together. He understood the both of them, Evan upset with his boundaries being overstepped by Jareds (honestly a little heartwarming) immediate need to drag them away from danger as well, and Heidis relief that Evan wasn’t as much as of an outcast as she thought he was. “Let me know if you boys need anything.” She addresses the other kids with a forced smile. Connor doesn’t think he’s ever seen her out of her hospital garb, but it’s still strange to see her out of the hospitals bright white lighting.

“Sure thing.” Jared answers as she leaves for her room.

It’s strange watching someone treat their mom a lot like how he did. Not that Evan would scream in Heidis face and slam doors to prove she had upset him, but just the regular everyday interactions? The feeling of isolation between mother and son despite being in the same fucking room; the refusal to say what’s wrong when she asks because how could she make it better when he’s tried everything? Evan just has to say something because when Connor had opened up to his mom it hadn’t had gone to terribly bad other than a stomach ache. They hadn’t gone out since and he he had this stupid feeling of missing his mom. 

He couldn’t be too hard on Evan, he wasn’t in the right place to talk. Evan  _ had  _ said something, albeit, it was to Jared and he soon called Connor with fear lacing his voice asking for help. He didn’t know how to fucking help. He didn't know how to help himself, and he sure as hell didn’t want Evans blood on his hands just as much as Jared didn’t. But it seemed Evan had began to heal on his own, if Connor could just do the same fucking thing.

He hears Jared softly apologize to Evan, and he decided that he didn’t want to be here for this.

He’s been to Evans house a fair share over the past few weeks and he’s learned the layout of his house relatively quickly. The main hallway leaving the living room has Evans room at the end of the hall, the bathroom pretty much centered in it, an empty study, and Heidi's room at the beginning. He figures she chose that room to hear a younger Evan if he were to leave his room in the middle of the night, but now she’s rarely here to keep an eye on him.

He knocks on her bedroom door. There’s a muffled “Come in!” from the otherside.

She was in the middle of folding her clothes, but genuinely smiles at her visitor.

“Hey,” She starts and Connor awkwardly stands in the doorway. She doesn’t fill the master bedroom very well and Connor eyes a couple picture frames of a younger Evan on the shoulders of a man he hasn’t seen before. “Is everything okay?” She asks.

“Yeah, I was about to order some more pizza and wanted to know if you wanted anything.” He shrugs. He wasn’t sure why he came down here in the first place.

“Anything will be fine, I’ll just steal some while you guys aren’t looking.” She smiles. “How are things?” She asks seriously and Connor has to remind himself to take his own advice and say something.

“It’s better with my mom, I think? My dad isn’t so much of an ass anymore, and my sister won’t talk to me which is better than her bitching me out everyday.” He shrugs, because maybe things were a little better, but it was all still bittersweet.

“I’m sorry, honey.” She says like he deserves more when he’s already gotten more than what he should have.

He doesn’t remember when he had stopped focusing on getting what he deserved, and reminding people of who he was. He doesn’t remember when he decided to just take the good things as they come, and even though he doesn't deserve  _ any  _ of this, when is the last time he’s hurt someone? When’s the last time he was screaming down the hallway threatening anyone who dared to face him like some sort of fucking troll screaming ‘no one crosses my fucking bridge’. When’s the last time he was truly a monster?

Maybe this was the way to make up for everything he’s done. Maybe the whole ‘you have to help yourself before you can help others’ bullshit was grounded in something. He wanted to make it up to them the best he could until it killed him, but now it seemed like he didn’t have to.

All he has to do is hold onto the good things life has given him in order to be a good thing himself. All he has to do is get better to make it up to them.

“I’ll make it up to them.” Connor mumbles and he feels a hand squeeze his shoulder.

“You’re going to do great things, Connor.” She looks at him like only a mother had a right to. “I’m so proud of you.” And there’s a waiver to he voice like she meant it. For once, Connor believed her and he lets himself get wrapped up in her arms. He lets himself believe that he's worth being proud of.

  
  


He ends up going to the drive in with his mother the weekend before Thanksgiving. He can tell she’s trying hard not to seem to excited on the very possible chance it’ll make him change his mind. He holds onto the feeling of missing mom back at the Hansen house. He holds onto the content feeling coming home from A La Mode. He can do this; he can spend time with a fucking family member without being an ass.

“Anything special you want for Thanksgiving?” She asks because they’re stuck parked in line at the entrance as the sun slowly goes down.

He shrugs and ignores his first instinct to reply with a crude joke like ‘poison’, or ‘death’. “Anything I can eat quickly so I can get the hell out there before Larry opens his mouth.” He mumbles into his shoulder as he slumps into his seat. The statement isn’t exactly true like it was for the past years of shitty thanksgivings. The war at home was at a temporary ceasefire. Larry wasn’t hounding for any mistakes to scream at Connor with; he wasn’t talking to Connor much at all. It was the same almost pleasant cold shoulder, and with no one setting Connor off the house had been eerily silent. He just didn’t want to sit at the table with the two silent assholes.

“He’s trying, honey.” She says and he’s heard it so many times it’s as meaningless as an ‘I love you’ to him. If anything, by these turn of events, he’s stopped trying. He was sure his mother was the only one with fight left in her. She’s the only that bothered to try to correct what was wrong anymore.

Connor must have been out of fight too because he doesn’t say anything back. 

“You read the books, right?” She says to fill the empty space.

“In junior high.” He says even though the movie his mom picked did have his interest. 

“Well, you liked them didn’t you?” She smiles like she was proud of herself for knowing.

Connor also didn’t mention it was about minors fighting to the death and there was a reason it was called the Hunger Games. And that they were in line for the very last movie and she was going to have a hell of a time following along.

The field in front of the screen was filled with junior high kids playing on their phones. He wonders why they didn’t just stay in the cars if that was all there were going to do. He would have killed for these movies to be released when he was in junior high. How long did these little shits have to wait?

“Thanks for coming with me.” She says like she wanted to be here and that Connor was settling with the movie. It was far from the truth; he had asked if they could do something outside of the house for once and she complied. But the sore feeling of bothering her when she has a shit ton a meal preparations to be going through sitting in his lungs eased a little. He felt a little less like a bother and more like a son.

She pulls into a decent spot in front of the blank screen. The sun has just set and the sky's still various shades a violet. She turns the engine off before turning to him. He should have expected that she would have wanted to talk past basic movie conversations and he was an idiot to expect anything else.

Her hand finds his and she holds onto it like she tried to do when he was in the hospital. He lets her do it this time.

“You know when Zoe and you were kids-” She smiles as if she can see it. She looks at Connor like he still was one. “Larry wanted to take you camping. ‘A boys night out’ he said. So he set up a tent in the backyard and he’d tell you jokes because scary stories upset you.” She grins and he rolls his eyes. “And I had ‘A girls night out’ with Zoe so she didn’t feel left out, but all she wanted to do was see what you guys were up to. We even built an inside fort out of blankets and I showed her how to paint her nails.” She shakes her head because the memories seem to make his mother more happy than she can comprehend. “The next morning you two had switched, and Larry wound up taking Zoe fishing, and I took you to the apple orchard so you wouldn’t feel left out. Zoe was a daddy's girl, through and through.” She shrugged like she had long accepted that. Connor will never understand how a mother would be okay with being parent number two to their kid. “But you?” She doesn’t seem bothered by it, she seems like she wound up with the better half of the trade off. “You were always mine.” She squeezes his hands and laughs the way she always does before she’s about to cry.

“Mom-”

“That’s probably why I was so jealous when Zoe taught you how to paint your nails.” She sniffles, trying to keep a sound face in front of him, but she rubs her thumb over the black of his nails.

“That’s so stupid.” He laughs and he doesn’t regret going out with her as much as he thought he would. “Hold on,” He unclips his seatbelt. “I’ll be right back.”

“Where are you going?” She asks and he’s already out of the car.

“Concessions?” He says it like it was obvious, and he knows full well it wasn’t. She moves to unclip as well. “Nope-” He holds his hand over the seat belt clip. “ You look like hot shit, I’ll get it.”

“Excuse me?”

“I mean that as a compliment, mom.”

 

The concessions line was long enough to be borderline unbearable, but he gets through it. The guy at the counter looks to be about Connors age, with a smile no one should have working in customer service.

“The bigger you smile, the more I’m convinced you hate your job.” Connor tries to seem human to the cashier who probably couldn’t give any less fucks. Despite it all, the cashier smiles wider and actually chuckles.

“It’s not too bad.” His expression changes to something a little more genuine. “What can I get you?” If Connor was an idiot, he’d think this guy was enjoying this conversation.

“Two hot chocolates and a small popcorn.” Connor digs in his pocket for his wallet.

“Two?” He asks. He looks disappointed like he was asking a whole other question.

_ Oh. _

“Yeah.” He answers dumbly, because he knows he’s losing ground on this, and he  _ knows  _ saying he’s out with his mother will make things just flat out shitty. So he lets it go, and pretends he’s dodged a bullet so he doesn’t consider this a loss.

He considers it a win since a cute guy had flirted with him.

He’s grinning by the time he gets back to the car.

“What happened?” His mom doesn’t seem worried.

“Hmm?” He’s not sure if he wants to say. Sure he had no reason so be worried because as much as life like to shit on him, he did get parents that were open to whatever the hell people wanted to do with their lives. He just hadn’t talked to them about it and he didn’t want mom to break down into tears with the whole ‘I’m proud of you’ spell because then   _ he  _ would start crying.

“You’re grinning, what happened?” She seems just as excited as Connor felt so he decides to give in.

“They guy at the counter flirted with me.” He shrugs, but his smile gave it away.

“Was he cute? Did you get his number?” She didn’t miss a beat. She always like to play match maker, but with Connor not talking to anyone for so long, Zoe was left to fend her off by herself. Connor wanted to push her away as well, but it felt so natural, and she took his confession better than Connor took her acceptance.

“Well,  _ yeah,  _ mom, but I got two hot cocos and-”

“He got the wrong idea.” She seems more torn than Connor was.

“It’s whatever, I guess.” He shrugs, he won’t let her disappointment bother him.

“But you can’t just miss your chance, honey! Anyone out there can be the one -” She gestures to the field of junior high kids and the both know that was the worst possible example. “You have to take every opportunity!” She says like his life depended on it,  _ still  _ gesturing to the junior high kids.

“I’m not going to be a pedophile, mom.” He deadpans and she drops her hand.

“You know what I mean.” She shuns, and Connor rolls his eyes. “You need to go in there and go get your man.” 

“Wow.” Connor thinks being in the closet may be a little better than his mother's aggressive support.

Like a savior, the screen ahead booms to life with loud opening logos.

“Looks like I’m too late, oops.” He grins.

“I’ll go then.” She unclips her seatbelt.

“You wouldn’t dare.” Connor threatens.

“Alright, alright.” She laughs. “I need to run to the restroom before they actually start.” She says and Connor doesn’t trust that grin, but she’s out of the car, and he isn’t willing to chase her down.

 

She comes back with a box of M&Ms.

“Mom…” Connor warns.

“What? I wanted to see if he was cute.” She says innocently. Connor just looks at her. “You know you could have told him it was for you mom.” Connor just looks at her like she’s lost her mind. “ or a sibling, sheesh!” She hands him the box and turns on the dome light.

He’s about to tell her to turn that shit off so he can see the movie, but there’s a scrawl of numbers on the side of the box.

“You didn’t…” 

She grins.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You can take Mamas Boy Connor out of my cold dead hands. He's collecting all the moms  
> I'm taking a break for the holidays, but be back on the 4th for the 'Christmas' chapter


	12. Stop Giving Time

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jared takes a look at himself and his odd and sudden friendship with the boys (and he worries for what will become of them)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wow! I'm back from my break and I'm so refreshed!!

POVJ

* * *

 

Holiday break was fast coming and Jareds ‘mom’ was insisting it was her turn with Jared this season. Connor had been taken out a week earlier and dragged along to one of his family's skiing trips. He had spent the previous week trying to convince both Heidi and Cynthia that letting Connor stay at the Hansen house during the holidays would be a great idea. He didn’t have very many persuasive points other than the fact that he just didn’t want to go.

Evans a little more open to being bitter that school lets out just in time for Christmas, but they’re stuck in math class during Hanukkah. That would explain why Connors family left a week before school let out.

The school was determined to have the break at a maximum of two weeks so they were stuck having a half day on monday the 21’st. Even the christian kids were upset by the schools bullshit ‘holliday week’.

“Happy Holidays” Jared mocks with his face down on the table. “More like Christmas and New Years.”

“Kwanzaa is in there too.” Evan adds even though he has a dead gaze towards the front board where a timer was set. They had fifteen minutes left of this awful place.

“Barely.” Jared scoffs. “So what you’re saying is they’re just shitting on us?” He rolls his head to watch Evans ‘dead inside’ expresion. Finals really almost killed them. The amount of tutoring Connor was dragged through to get his finals done before he left was astronomical, and Evan would deny any paycheck Cynthia offered him even though he was drained for finals himself.

“Essentially, yeah.”

 

Jared eventually agrees to  _ one  _ family Christmas party with her inlaws. They’re a terribly wealthy family, and all of their homes are on the same street. They feel more like a clan than a family, and Jared is awfully out of place. He keeps to the side of the couch while his mother socializes with her inlaws.

11:21am  _ you dead yet? (CM) _

11:27am  _ they aren't going to kill him (EH) _

11:29am  _ ok but mom had a jesus phase and do you know how many times people were asked to kill children? (CM) _

11:29am  _ at least 4 (CM) _

11:32am  _...Jared? (EH) _

He smiles, they were so weird. He tries to be thankful he doesn’t have to pretend to check something on his phone.

11:58am  _ im gone for three hours and you already work him up (JK) _

12:00pm  _ a record (CM) _

12:02pm  _ just be careful ok (EH) _

12:04pm  _ ill be fine im just bored to death rn (JK) _

12:12pm  _ i will pay you money if you steal the baby jesus from the farm animal scene thing(CM) _

12:14pm  _ the what? (EH) _

12:21pm  _ I know they have one dont ignore me (CM) _

12:25pm  _ i looked it up dont do it (EH) _

12:32pm  _ Jared? (EH) _

12:35pm  _ they prolly caught him (CM) _

12:35pm  _ RIP (CM) _

12:39pm  _ stop telling everyone im dead (JK) _

12:42pm  _ how much? (JK) _

12:43pm  _ [Image] (JK) _

_ 12:45pm holy shit (CM) _

_ 12:46pm JARED NO (EH) _

12:48pm  _ JARED YES (CM) _

12:48pm  _ ill give you a twenty when i get back (CM) _

 

They call for dinner not long after. He can still feel his phone vibrating in his pocket and it was no doubt Evan and Connor. He tries not to let that make him feel left out as his plate is loaded with turkey and ham. It’s hard to ignore what could only be a lively conversation happening behind his back.

He knew this was a long time coming. He was nothing but a crutch to Evan and a package of bad memories to Connor. Evan was too nice to directly tell him to leave him alone and Connor was tolorating because he wanted to avoid the alternative. They were the best friends; Jared had no place.

He doesn’t know why he let’s it bother him so much. He’s known this forever, but he’s given up trying to fight Evan on the friends thing, and maybe for awhile he believed it. He believed that even Connor had forgiven him even though he had every right to hate him. What had he done to warrant forgiveness? He just freaking assumed they were all okay.

His phone was still going off with their conversation, now faster and more energetic because it was no longer slowed down by Jared. He silences his phone.

 

He ends up with a stack of gift cards because these relatives have never met him, but feel the need to wrap something with his name on it. He feels the need to distract himself by scrolling through his phone, but he can only amount to the amount of missed messages he has that don’t even need him to read. His phone wouldn’t be a safe place to distract him.

“Is everything okay?” His mom sits beside him because as much as he wanted to be bitter at her for this set up, he didn’t have any freaking option because he knew no one else. He never went anywhere unless he knew at least two people so he had options when they were talking to strangers; or Evan. He could rely on Evan not knowing anyone else so he was dependable distraction material, but now he didn’t even have Evan. He didn’t even account to that when they (more like Evan) befriended Connor. 

He hadn’t even considered the idea that Connor was  _ still  _ out for revenge, and using Jareds only freaking friend to do it. The only reason Evan was Jareds friend was because he had no other option; Jared was aware until Connor came along and they both strewed him along in this everyone's-friends fantasy. Like Jared hasn’t been a dick to them for  _ years.  _ They just forgave him and he decided not to look a gift horse in the mouth. He never apologized, and there were days where he was still a dick. They never held him accountable to everything he’s done to them. He knows he’s hurt them, and he knows he has whatever they’re planning coming to him. He just can’t take the hurt he’s dished out.

“Jared?” His mother asks again, and he can’t stand the authentic worry on her face. He wants to hate her. He wants to hold her accountable, and he wants to be angry for everything she hasn’t done. She was a mother to Jared, but that was a long time ago. He can’t see a mother in someone he never sees. But he also wants the mom he had back. He wants to hear the garbled sound of the box tv playing music while she cleans the living room early in the morning while everyone slept. He wants her happy rants and everyone agreeing that no one loved dads cooking more than her. 

He doesn’t want this family of in laws he doesn’t know, that doesn’t know how to cook, and is so tight knit he wonders how his mom married one of them in the first place.

“Fine.” He barely says, because his new ‘grandmother’ is sitting next to him. He shrugs her hand off of his shoulder.

He wants to be home with dad and do their holiday traditions because Christmas break goes fast when it's just the two of them. Dad said that there was always tomorrow, but he hid his disappointment as well as Jared did.

 

His mom makes up so bullshit excuse to leave early and her husband stays with his family. Jared silently loads himself into the passenger seat of his car.

“Can you see if any good restaurants are open?” She asks as she cranks up the heat in the car.

“What?” Jared asks since they just had their shitty rendition of a meal.

“Look, I love them, but if there is one thing they can’t do..” She leaves it at that, but Jared can come up with several dozen things these family of clan weirdos can’t do.

He doesn’t answer her and just googles for restaurants near them. He hated this time of year. Every store and road will be packed with shoppers and then all of a sudden everything will be fucking closed for a solid twenty four hours. The roads would be barren like everyone just turned into hermits overnight.

“Dennys is open.” He answers after a minute of scrolling through listings of closed restaurants.

 

“How’s your dad doing?” She asks over the booth. He doesn’t think she cares. He’s not sure what exactly she’s looking for. He’s only dated two people since the divorce, a single mother with three really weird but well behaved kids, and a dad with two normal really badly behaved kids who made Jared life a nightmare for a week until dad had enough.

“Fine, he’s saving up for locksmith classes.” He gives.

“Good, good.” She doesn’t have a real answer to that. He tries not to think that she was waiting for him to say that he’s being doing terrible without her. He can’t speak for his dad, but Jared feels happier without seeing what's become of his childhood memories. Until his mother came back along and it’s as if he feels everything he’s been missing, even though he  _ didn’t miss her.  _ “What about you? How are you and Evan?” She overasks like she thought better of the first question.

“Good.” He shrugs.

“How has he been?”

Good?

Scared out of his mind ninety percent of the time?

Liable to jump out of a fucking tree and embrace death?

Conspiring to destroy Jared because he’s an absolute jackass?

“Good.” He repeats.

She nods, letting the conversation lul there. Jared couldn’t be bothered to be pick it up either. He happily makes them eat their second dinner in silence. He turns his phone back on to seem busy.

He has three missed calls from Evan whom never calls and over fifty missed messages, some of which didn’t originate from the group chat.

He scrolls up to where he left off on the chat and for the most part is good natured; Connor is talking about yard robbing with a friend he had meet not too long ago, and Evan trying to convince him that doing that would probably be a bad idea. Then they look for Jared’s opinion not even ten minutes after he stopped answering.

Looking back now, he knows he’s put opinions into their mouths when it was his own freaking bullshit. He was an asshole through and through, but they all had their own shit and it was a mutual agreement to just deal with each others bullshit.

Evan gives Jared the alibi of dinner long after Jared's finished eating and is ignoring them. He doesn’t want to think of his reaction if he knew Jared was ignoring him on purpose. Evan would look for the reason in himself; he’d blame himself. Connor doesn’t seem to follow the alibi, but he won’t let Evan throw himself under the bus.

Connor texts him privately in a wellness check. His words are concerned and unlike Connor, especially when they remain unanswered, they move onto a distant supportive.

“Are you okay?” His mother asks again because he knows his face is turning red. He knows that most of his reaction is him just being angry at himself for even thinking that Evan or Connor would drop to his level of pettiness and act out of revenge. They were better than him, they were bigger people.

“Yeah, yeah, I’ll be right back.” He says, and he doesn’t know where he’s going until he’s looking at himself in the bathroom mirror.

His phone was full of Connor trying not to be overbearing and Evan breaking his social rules to make sure he was okay. He was just ignoring them and they were worrying for him. He hates that he liked the feeling. He liked their attention, he liked their worry, and he knows how Evan gets when he’s worried. He hates watching Evan lose his head, but he’s thriving off of the attention. He didn’t deserve. He’s done nothing but hurt them. Even now. He always hurts them.

Will he ever fucking stop?

He wipes his face with his palms, dropping his glasses into the sink with a clatter. He breathes hard through his nose like it will help stop him from having a freaking meltdown in a Denny restroom. Why the fuck was he having a meltdown? Because he could live with the fact his two friends were fake and were only looking to ruin his life because it’s only fair. But he couldn’t hide behind that idea anymore. They were real and they were worried and all Jared knew how to do was hurt them.

He’s sobbing because it won’t be long before Evan and or Connor are having freaking breakdowns in the bathrooms because of his sorry ass. He’s sobbing because all he’ll ever be is the villain, and shit, if he didn’t like Evan or Connor this would be easy, but all he’s ever going to do is make everything they’re trying to heal from worse.

He’s watched them heal significantly in the past couple months. Connor hasn’t had a complete blow up since the first day of school and had actually been on a couple dates with the boy from the drive in he’s been talking about. Jared can’t even bring himself to be jealous of it because he’s just so hecking proud. Evans began ordering food for himself, and he’s been able to eat lunch in the hallway with Connor and Jared instead of skipping in the library. He talks more in the mornings and he’s just more present all around rather than his constant watching of everyone around him.

He knows he’s going to watch them lose it all. He’s going to watch Connor blow up and think that there’s nothing he can do to control himself, and he’s going to watch Evan remember that there is enemies in everyone. Jared is going to cause it all, and they won’t hold him accountable. They’ll become each other's biggest trigger.

Pull yourself together, Kleinman. He’s always been this shitty; he’s a bad person who doesn’t give a shit about his friends, right? 

But despite his new acceptance, he opens his phone to Connor message. Jared knows he brings out the worst in them, but he doesn’t know where  _ this  _ came from. He considers the possibility of Evan and Connor rubbing off of each other. Evans patience for bullshit becoming Connors, and Connors courage to fight said bullshit becoming Evans.

6:29pm  _ things always seem shittier than they actually are. just give it some time (CM) _

He wants to remember the Connor Murphy he knew before all of this; the one that didn’t want to get better because he was so exhausted, he couldn’t care what happened to him either way. That Connor would never say something like this. That Connor would have stopped talking when Jared stopped talking. But this one holds out. This one is better.

 

The messages stop five days later. He can only imagine that Evan and Connor have moved onto their own conversation and just have slowly forgotten the group chat. He wants to say that he’s relieved his phone is finally silent, but he finds himself missing their chatter to fill the empty days. There’s no early morning message because Connor is in a different time frame. (He’s actually an hour back, but he overestimates how far back he actually is.) Evans always up to answer and he has yet to mention that they’re getting these messages at seven in the morning. 

Over the days, the conversation just slowly dries out. They talk less and less about what’s happening in their lives, and then less about trivial garbage, and then nothing at all. This was the first morning Jared hadn’t been woken up to the seven in the freaking morning message. 

It felt a lot like waking up completely forgotten. 

He knows it’s for the better. He knows this is the only way Connor or Evan will keep their progress, but he wants to see how far they’ll go. It’s not pathetic to say he actually wants to be their friend, but he doesn’t know how to do this, and he doesn’t want to hurt them while he figures out how to do this.

Instead, he’s woken up at nine to his dad saying bye before going to work. He reminds him to ask Evan over for the new years celebration like they do every year. He just nods and rolls over.

He’s woken up again at eleven by someone at the door knocking. He knows he was free from Connor until he got back with his family. He wouldn’t have to answer to him just yet, all he had to face was Evan, who wouldn’t push to hard, and if he upset him enough, may even stop Connor from coming around at all. So he pulls himself out of bed and musters the best ‘I’m doing better without you’ appearance, he opens the front door.

He hates that he was disappointed it wasn’t Evan. It was a pizza delivery guy completely uncalled for.

“Uh.”

“I have a delivery for a …” He reads the receipt off. “Kleinman?”

“Let me see that.” He plucks the piece of paper for the already full hands of the employee. Sure enough the receipt reads KLEINMAN. It’s in all caps and he knows what this is about. 

This is the strangest threat he’s ever gotten.

“Okay, yeah…” He looks to the delivery guy who doesn’t understand what’s the real problem here. “How much…?” 

“You already paid online sir.” The employee answers patiently, holding out the cardboard of grease.

“Yeah.” Jared follows along, taking the pizza from the kids hands.

 

11:38am  _ anyone have something they want to say? (JK) _

He decides to start the shit show early. He just wishes it didn’t start with Evan.

11:39am  _ sorry. we didnt want to bother you but we were worried sorry (EH) _

He responds immediately like he was waiting for a reaction from Jared. He can see that Connors already read the new messages, but he remains silent. It felt a like like a parent watching a kid and waiting to see if they’ll act up or not. He was using Evan as freaking bait. 

11:40am  _ why? (JK) _

They both dont answer that one. He knows Evan is searching for an answer, but no matter how many times it says Evan is typing, he never actually sends anything.

11:54am  _ you guys dont have to be glued to my side all the freaking time (JK) _

11:54am  _ it gets anoying (JK) _

Evan stops typing, and Jared is left with the silence again.

Connor doesn’t chew him out and and Evan doesn’t apologize. They don’t waste the energy for things that aren't going to change.

He keeps opening his phone, expecting something more. Expecting them to fight. This wasn’t the way it was supposed to end. Their friendship was supposed to end loudly, with tears and heartbreak. But this was just quiet, and a silent acceptance that maybe Jared isn’t worth the trouble.

He wants to say something more. He wants to guilt trip Connor. He wants to make Evan angry. He’s the only one that’s been able to bring out the opposite in them.

He knows it’s not over. Evan isn’t much a fighter, but he has the stamina to wait out Jared and Connor will fight him to the breaking point. He knows he’s only free when Connor is gone.

Which explains why Connor shows up on his doorstep with Evan in tow. Neither one of them have a car, and he’s silently glad they had to walk here. Connor had probably blew off most of his steam speed walking, and Evan usually will walk in circles to calm himself down. Connor holds tight onto Evans wrist like he would run. They both knew Evan would if given the chance.

“We’re- uh, we’re here to pick up the baby jesus?” Evan lies, and he stands almost completely behind Connor who was just glaring at Jared. He honestly wishes Connor would go ahead and pop off instead of making him feel like he was being held at gunpoint the entire time.

“Yeah, sure.” Jared makes his retreat to his room and Connor and Evan follow still linked together. It was beginning to feel more like Evan was keeping Connor in check rather than the other way around. He knows Evan won't be able to hold him back very long if Connor really was set off.

He knows for sure its Evan keeping Connor together when it’s Evan that makes himself at home by taking a seat on his bed and Connor following suit. Evan has always been better at pretending everything is normal. That’s all he’ll do when he’s stuck in stressful situations. He’ll pretend everything is normal long enough to make his escape, but Connor will fight the problem head first until it backs down and even though it’s Evan keeping him from fighting Jared on whatever Jared was going over, it was Connor who was keeping them there because the problem has yet to go away.

He holds out a little ceramic manger to Connor, but he doesn’t move to take it. He just squints at Jared; daring him to say something. Jared almost does, but Evan takes it from his hand before either of them breaks.

“Thank you.” Evan plays the middleman because he doesn’t have much of any other choice. “Connor?” He doesn’t seem to be worried to adress Connor when he’s like this.

And like he’s knocked out of his grudge; he sets Jared free from his glare to dig in his pocket. He hands Jared a folded twenty.

“Thanks.” Jared nearly whispers. He’s not sure what exactly happened, but Connor looks to have lost his fight. 

“Is your dad still going to do the sundaes this New Years?” Evan asks and he knows what he means by it. His dad always does sundaes, and Evan always comes over. It’s been that way for years, but maybe it was time to let go of what their parents had arranged.

“No.” He wasn’t ready to quit what they began, but when had the world ever revolved around him?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, it only gets sadder from here <3


	13. To Know or Not To Know

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Finding yourself doesn't come with a deadline, but Evan still meets another part of himself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a little feel-good before the shit hits the fan <3

POVE

* * *

 

“You okay?” Evan asks as he’s laying flat on his bed staring at the ceiling on New Years Eve.

Connor wasn’t supposed to be back by the 4th, but Jared was being dodgy and Evan was left to fend for himself at home. The surprising part was that Cynthia let him come back on his own.

He knows that Connor mainly came to resolve whatever the issue was with Jared. ‘Unresolved history’ he called it, but he never would explain more than that. Evan wasn’t sure what part he played in this or if this really was just between Connor and Jared.

“Fine.” Connor grumbles at his desk, skimming through his old homework. He never did understand Connors interest in that. “What do you want to do?” He gives Evan a bored look.

“I don’t- i don’t know what we’re supposed to do. No one will tell me what's wrong.” Evan feels exasperated. The sun is setting and by now Jared's dad would be setting up a small campfire in the back and Jared and Evan would take the time to burn this years homework.

He doesn’t know what happened at that Christmas party or what Connor had to do with it. Or maybe it was just Connor assuming it was his fault. It wouldn’t be the first time Jared has tried to fall off the side of the Earth for conceivably no reason only to act like nothing had ever happened when they return to school.

People just need a break from other people sometimes.

“It’s none of your fucking business.” Connor pushes back into the desk chair irritably, the two front legs come up, but he doesn’t topple over. His legs are long enough to stay on the floor. Evan knows better than to push for anymore information, and instead just watched Connor teeter back and forth on the desk chair. He seems to lost in thought to be angry. “How come Kleinman treats you like shit?” He says out of the blue. He doesn’t seem to be pointing fingers, but just looking for an honest answer.

“I don’t know.” He shrugs. He knows he cares more than he would like to admit. “He’s maybe- I think he’s embarrassed to be my friend so he tries to hide it?” He watches himself pick at the leg of his pants.

Connor makes a disagreeing noise, looking to the cork board above his desk. There’s nothing on it other than a calendar and a couple pictures he took as a park ranger. He wants more pictures of Jared and any really of Connor. It’ll make his wall feel a little less lonely.

“Just trust me when I say that’s not why.” Connor mumbles, scanning over the pictures of the familiar forests like he was looking for something he knew.

“Why?” Evan says without listening.

“Evan!” Connor reprimands, but he seems a little more leveled now.

They both know Evan wouldn’t believe that anyways.

Connor moves his attention back to the calendar, like he was just stuck. The ease in his shoulder, the stupid almost smile slowly just fades away the longer his stares at the white page of the calendar.

Evan had tried to forget what started their friendship in the first place because he can barely remember Connor ever blowing up or storming down the hallways anymore. It felt like he had known him forever and Connor was always this mentally well. But there where always moments like this where his anger would flare or he would just stare off solemnly like he wasn’t sure why he stuck around.

“Thank you.” Evan says dumbly and Connors attention snaps back to him. He doesn’t know what this is about and it immediately sets him on edge. Way to start something you shouldn’t have brought up in the first place, Evan.

“What are you talking about?” Connor asks flatly.

“For uh- um, well,” Connor makes a point to act like Evan isn’t going through several words to find the right one. He doesn’t try to straighten out Evans speech and it makes it feel a little normal. “I wanted to say thank you for sticking around, for being my - my friend in all of this and for-”

He knows Connors caught the drift when he stands up, the chair clicking loudly when it lands back on all four feet. 

“You don’t have to  _ thank me  _ for being your fucking friend, Hansen. We’ve been over this.” The anger is back and Evan remembers what's got them into this in the first place. “And you sure as hell don’t have to thank me for being alive.” He barks before making a move to the door.

In an uncharistly bold move, Evan scrambles out of his bed and steps into Murphys path. He tries to reach out to hold his arm because his learned that a little physical contact will suck the bad mood from Connor. But never when he’s angry, likes his made some promise to himself not to touch anyone when he’s not in control of himself.

“That came out wrong, please-” Evan tries to keep his voice level.

He watched the anger crumple under Connor, he turns his back on Evan and pulls his fingers through his hair. “ are you shitting me, Ev? Why do you think you have to fucking thank me?” He drops himself into a sitting position on the foot of Evans bed. He can hear the water flooding into his voice. “Am I really a class A piece of shit who’d be doing this as some sort of favor?”

Evan slowly takes a seat next to him. “I’m sorry- I said that totally wrong- I- I just meant that  _ I know  _ you didn’t exactly intend to get this far, but I’m so freaking happy that you did. And- and I’m not sure you appreciate all the things you’ve done for yourself, but I do.” 

Connor doesn’t respond, he just rubs his hands roughly together.

“Connor? Hey, look at me.” He doesn’t know what to do so he just follows his first instinct and what he’s seen in movies. He’s always known of Connors inept ability to make everything seem okay, but he never considered if he could do the same for himself.

“This is stupid.” Connor mumbles and he can hear the tears. It explains why Connor shakes his head with his hair in his face rather than face Evan.

“We do stupid.” he tries to remind softly. He hopes the inside joke will make Connor feel a little more at ease. “Is this- is this a good or a bad stupid?” It takes more effort than he’d like to admit to keep pushing.

He watches Connor sniffle and wipe his face with the sleeve of his jacket. He nods. “Good, it’s good.” It gives Evan an idea of what he’s working with.

“It’s a- ha- happy cry, right?” 

He nods, with another rough sniffle. He rubs harder at his eyes.

Evan tries to pull at the offending sleeve. “Hey, then maybe you should let yourself cry. It’s okay to be happy, okay?” 

Connor doesn’t say anything against it so Evan tries to give an encouraging squeeze to his hand. It was all too easy to wind their fingers together and he rests his head on Connors shaking shoulder.

It may have only been another few minutes, but Evan tries to keep his thoughts in order and on making sure Connor comes fully out of whatever kind of breakdown that was. His sobs die down and they’re just sitting side by side with Evans head on his shoulder and Connors head on his, and their fingers wound tightly together. It seems like Connor needs the quiet for now as if he needed to recollect his thoughts as well so he stays quiet and listens to the distant sound of fireworks.

“I’m staying the night.” Connor breaks the silence with his special way of asking over. Evan’s sure he could stop him with a simple word, but he’s never tried.

“Do you want to say up till midnight?” Evan tries to keep his head still. The haven’t moved and he’s really trying not to think about that.

“We always do that.” He can feel Connor try to shrug under him. “How bout we make our own New Years tradition?”

 

“I need to get a fucking car.” Connor complains through his scarf. The nearest fireworks stand is only down the road and round the corner, but it’s the middle of winter and nearing 11. Evans just trying to keep up with his longer legs. “Jared mentioned you used to have one.” He looks over with his nose bright red in the cold. He doesn’t seem too worked up about Jared ignoring them anymore. 

“Oh uh- yeah, I sorta crashed it though.” He shrugs, he doesn’t remember much of what happened other than what Jared and his mother had told him.

“Mhmm. What happened?” Connor kicks some snow off the sidewalk in front of him.

“Uhm- I sorta- well, I- Me and Jared used to drink at his place when his dad would be out for the night, and well-”

“You didn’t” Connor said like he already knows he did.

“I may have flipped the car in the ditch?” Evan shrugs.

“Holy shit, Hansen!” He wasn’t sure how to gage that reaction other than disbelief. “You alright?” 

“Well I mean-” he gestures to himself like the answer was standing right in front of him. “Yeah.”

“Well, yeah, but you know-” He’s not sure what Connor means by that. “Have you driven since?” Connor almost clarifies.

“No? It was totalled so-” Evan trails off. Connor nods and he guesses that answered whatever he wasn’t asking.

“I think I’m going to save up and get a car. I’m sick of needing rides everywhere.” Connor looks ahead, they can see the lights of the stand ahead.

“What kind are you thinking about?” Evan doesn’t have any other conversation ideas so he keeps feeding this one. It seems like Connors just made his mind up on this and he knows he doesn’t have a kind picked.

“Dunno.” He answers and Evan saw it coming. “What kind of shit do you want?” He asks as they stop at the edge of the parking lot holding the stand.

 

“What are those?” Evan peeks over Connors shoulder as he unboxes a bunch of little pellet things with wings. 

“Bees.” Connor answers as he takes on in his hand and the lighter in the other. Evan reads off the instructions while Connor lights the short wick.

It instructs to find a flat surface with no surroundings.

Connor holds the tiny bee in his hands with a shortening wick.

In instructs to light and give it a three foot radius.

Connor throws it into the air and it zips away like a lighting bug.

“Oh…” Evan watches it zip around for a moment, emitting a high pitched buzzing unlike a natural bee and like a dying star it pops and is gone.

“They fly better if you toss them.” Connor says before Evan can mention the safety hazards of throwing it like that. It was things like this that made his mother work every New Years night.

It’s not like his mother was here to stop him from doing it anyways. He copies Connors process, with a lit bee in one hand he places the lighter down.

“You only want to ho-Now! Throw it now!” Connor seem like he was about to smack the thing out of his hand for him, but he tosses it up and it flies off almost as soon as Evan let go of it. Maybe it was the idea he almost burnt the shit out of his hand and got by unscaved or maybe it was the feeling of something coming to life at the tip of his fingertips, but he can feel a smile form in his chest and he knows it breaks his face in the shining light of the bee he brought to life popping in the sky above him.

“Huh…” And maybe he’s a little star struck, because he feels like laughing or giggling like a dumb kid, but he just he grins at Connor wide eyed. Sure, he looks a little concerned, but he can see his features illuminated red by distant more expensive fireworks. Things don’t feel real, even more so than usual. He’s lightheaded off of adrenaline and the sound of booming from somewhere else in the neighborhood. 

He knows getting lost in someone else's eyes is something fabricated in writing because it just sounds nice, but experiencing it doesn’t feel near as inspirational. 

It honestly feels fucking terrifying. 

He knows he’s staring at Connor with a weird look, and the look of awe and joy is slowly fading from his face.

“Evan?” He asks, and the brain numbing feeling fades away, and Evan realizes he just had a one sided staring contest with Connor. No, he couldn’t even call it that. He didn’t think he liked Connor much less guys, but whatever the hell that was proved different.

“Hmm?” Evan blinks, trying to put those thoughts on the back burner for later. Way later.

“You good? You don’t have like-” Connor waves his hand in front of his own face, and he wasn’t sure what he meant. “I don’t know.” Apparently he didn’t either.

“Yeah- no, I’m good.” Evan nods, looking to the table of more little fireworks Connor had picked out. He tries to keep his eyes away from Connor and feeding the reaction he just had. He doesn’t want to think about that. He doesn’t want to think about what that could mean.

“Alright…” Connor doesn’t sound like he believes him, and he can practically picture the look of worry he knows he’s wearing right now. 

“I’m fine, really.” Evan tries again, but he can’t have Connor on his back right now. He makes the mistake of looking at Connor to push his point further. He can see Connor gathering up his defensives. They both deal with confrontation so shittily. 

“You don’t have to fucking lie to me.” He grits, but he doesn’t seem as scary as he used to. 

“I’m just-” There’s no way he could tell him. There’s no way that would end well  _ especially  _ since Evan wasn’t sure what he wanted out of this. He wanted to be Connors friends and he’ll stick to that because it’s working. So what if he may think someone is attractive? It doesn’t mean anything and he already knows he’d be happier being Connors friend than a boyfriend, because he hasn’t ever dated anyone and he sure wasn’t going to start with someone who mattered this much.

“Evan.” Connor snaps again. “You’re doing it again- what’s wrong? Do we need to go in?” He’s right, he was staring at him again, he’s lying to him again, but he’s not angry. Frustrated maybe, but mostly worried.

What he really needed was to sit down and work through all the clutter in his head. He needed to write this out, look at it objectively, and figure out exactly what  _ this  _ was. 

He couldn’t tell Connor exactly what had happened, but he could tell him that.

“What time is it?” He asks quickly.

“Ten? Do you need to take your meds?” Connor answers, and Evan knows all it takes to calm Connors irritation is to just let him know.

“No- no, I just need some- I need a minute to write- or just make sense of something.” 

He didn’t expect Connor to get defensive by just that.

“Something?” He repeats, like a warning for both Evan and himself.

“A lot- a lots ha-happened this year.” Evan fills in. It doesn’t matter if it wasn’t exactly true. “I just need to sort some thoughts out before the end of the year, you know?”

Sometimes you don’t understand why someone needs the things they do, but you try to look at all the times you’ve done something similar. He knows Connor doesn’t like giving anyone space when he wants to talk to them, but he nods and lets him go.

“Can I-” He doesn’t finish, Evan already knows Connors is asking. 

He can’t come up with a reason to say no so he lets Connor follow him to his room. Its like they switch; Evan takes a seat in the desk chair, pulling out his notebook and Connor lays flat on the bed staring at the ceiling.

Connor stays quiet, nosing slowly through Evans room like he always does. Jared had once called him a feral cat and no one told him he was wrong. He finds an old pack of ceiling stars in the drawer of Evans nightstand.

Evan knows writing out a freaking pros and cons list between boys and girls trying to put a name to whatever he was in front of the exact thing that made him question it in the first place is a little high risk. But when has he ever been smart about the things he’s done before?

“Connor?” He asks and he doesn’t know what he’s asking, but it can only be one thing and he’s terrified of asking exactly that.

Connor pauses his star sticking quest, he’s almost out of star anyways. “Hmm?” It’s easy to think of him as a rogue roommate when he’s over. He makes himself at home with anything or maybe he just forcibly makes a place for himself.

“Um…” He rolls his fingers on his padge, staring down his bad handwriting. There’s not enough to prove much of anything. He’s had a crush on Zoe, he has to like girls. He is very aware how attractive Connor is, but it could just be the similar features from Zoe throwing him off. 

He doesn’t want to ask, he  _ really  _ doesn’t want to ask.

So he doesn’t.

“I think I’m bi.” He really wished he had asked.

Connor nearly falls off the edge of the bed and the star he was holding clangs onto the floor.

He really doesn’t want to finish the conversation, he doesn’t want to explain himself, he just doesn’t want any of this. He wishes he had kept his mouth shut. He slams his notebook shut and shoves it back into his desk.

“It was stupid, I don’t know what I’m talking about.” He stands ready to make a break for the door, but Connor beats him to it. Curse his long legs.

“Whoa, slow down, where is this coming from?” He asks like he almost had an idea. Evan had stared him down like romance movie idiot, how could Connor not know where the sudden realization came from?

He’s going to know.

He needs to put a name to the reason fast, to stop Connor from  _ knowing.  _ It isn’t even a crush, it was just that Connor looked nice under the lights of the fireworks, and maybe he was a little gay and could appreciate more than an average straight guy, okay? Okay? 

The first name that comes up is Larry and if there’s anything worse than Connor thinking that he liked him was the he liked his dad.  _ That  _ would ruin the friendship.

“Well- Well I mean -we’re just- Jared was- he isn’t talking to us?- and and I miss him I guess-”

“Okay, okay.” Connor hushes, but he doesn’t seem to be digging into answers anymore. “I’m not saying you not bi- alright? But missing your friend doesn’t exactly-”

“No!- No it’s not just that- it’s just maybe it made me realize- I don’t know-” He hadn’t planned to get this worked up about this. “When he smiles or - or his stupid jokes-and”

“Yeah, okay, you have to like him to like his jokes.” Connor interrupts, not really interested in listening to Evan ramble about Jared. He couldn’t exactly blame him, he was still a little mad a Jared right now if he was being honest.

“Are you- are you okay with that?” He doesn’t know why he depends so much on Connors acceptance, but he know he has it when he smiles.

“I dunno, you were like my only straight friend.” He shrugs.

“Jareds is…?” He takes a seat on the bed, looking to Connor for answers. He doesn’t know how they’d already know each other's business to this extent.

“Not my business.” Connor moves to sit next to Evan, he tried not to notice that he looks a little torn? “I’m just letting you know you have a chance.” He shrugs.

“What are you- not like thats my business!” Evans voice crack badly in his attempt to backtrack. “I was just curious sorry.”

Connor shrugs with forced indifference.”Gay.” He hates that he says it like he was expecting a bad outcome, and has to force himself to  _ make  _ a positive reaction rather than just whatever natural was coming because he refuses to feed that fear.

“How did you know?” He asks like he’s taking notes.

“I don’t” Connor responds like it answers everything.

“What?”

“I don’t know for sure.” He says again. “Some days I know I only like boys, and other days; like when Jared runs his mouth, I think I never want to love fucking anyone.” He says with a grin because he doesn’t mean it to insult Jared. Evan chuckles and he watches Connor smile grow. 

He doesn’t think he’s ever seen him this soft and calm before, but he’s tired and there’s a constant booming sound outside, it’s easy to just let his thoughts float away.

“Do you think you’ll ever know for sure?” Evan wishes Connor would know himself as the person he’s meant to be, but the sad truth is that they all were so far from being complete. Their lives were full of flaws still waiting to be sorted through. They had their whole lives ahead of them and here he was, sitting next to Connor so early on. He wishes to get to meet the Connor that knows for sure.

“No, and I guess that’s just how it works. Some people will never know like some people will just wake up one day knowing for sure.” He shrugs, but he does actually seem indifferent. “It’s not like it matters. You don’t need to know for sure to love someone.” He says it like it holds some deeper meaning.

“You can just love them for sure.” Evan says quietly, ready to become the Evan that knows for sure.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> They have bigger things to worry about other than who likes who ;)   
> next update is the 18th


	14. Wandering Without Meaning

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Connor tries to make amends the best he can, even though his method becomes a little unorthodox.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry if this chapter is a bit much? I'm not in the best place right now and this is better than vagueing somewhere else.

POVC

* * *

 

The worst thing about holiday breaks at school is that they’re only long enough to get used to the idea of not going to school. Connor knows it was going to be a shitty day the  moment it was only Evan next to Jareds locker. He almost looks like he belongs in the hallway just by the way he leans against the locker walls and scanning through his phone like he wasn’t waiting for someone. He’s gotten better at pretending normal, but Connor knows better. If they were more like themselves, neither one of them wouldn’t have come to school at all.

“He still playing this fucking game?” He says and he wants to lean against the metal of the lockers like Evan, but he knows better in the dead of winter in the schools ancient heating system. The only way Evan can stand it is the because of the bizarre thick jacket he wears. He tucks his phone into said jacket as Connor walks up to him.

“Yeah.” Evan answers, but his eyes are going down the hall to his left, like he’s trying to pick someone out, or maybe he just got used to not being surrounded by mass numbers of judging eyes. They day back is always a reminder of just how shitty school life is, but he still hopes it’s that rather than him looking for Jared. He tries to feel for Evan, and he wishes Evan had a better first guy crush, but he’s not one to talk. “He’s here though.” He says it like  _ they  _ were the problem in all of this. It reinforces Connors bitterness of this whole situation. He won’t let Evan blame himself if he can help it.

“We did jack shit, alright? Just let him be an asshole if that’s what he really wants.” He tucks his hands into his jacket, he tries to will his shivering down. Maybe Evan had a point in his big jackets. Evan doesn’t answer, he just wiggles his right leg in some sort of attempt to dispel his anxious energy. It doesn’t seem to work, but he doesn’t comment on it. It will only serve to make this slow decent faster, and Connor already knows what this is going to lead to. “Let me know if you need to a ride home early?” He offers. It makes him have to stick around until Evan was ready to leave rather than just skipping after third period like he was planning. There’s worse fates, he guesses, but not a lot is worse than a full day of school.

“Right, yeah.” He finally looks away from their classmates, but he won’t look him in the eyes. If he was being honest, he really wanted an excuse to just lay in the quiet of the Hansen household rather than be here today, but he needed Evan to give the say so first.

 

Evan manages to talk Connor into staying at school for the entire school day. It wasn’t much of feat; everyone else was to tired out of their minds to be annoying, and teachers only wanted to talk about New Years Resolutions and Christmas Gifts. They still meet at Jareds locker when the bell rings, but their usual ride is still ignoring them.

 

“My New Years resolution is to get a fucking car.” He stretches the best he can on the tiny metal benches out front. It eases the ache in his bones, but it makes him considerably colder. Evan sits beside him in a bundle of jackets, and a scarf tied tight around his mouth where he couldn’t even see the fog coming from his breath. He pulls the fabric down with a mitted hand to answer.

Connor concludes the only good thing about the cold is the red of Evans nose and cheeks.

“What kind?” 

“Black.” He knows it doesn’t really answer the real question, but Evan is just asking to keep this conversation going, so he might as well make him laugh. And he does. Connor feels the cold hit his teeth when he smiles back.

“Wow.” Evan chuckles, his foggy breath is plain as day now.

“I’m going to go talk to Jared today.” He decides as he says it. Evan doesn’t seem to know what to say so he nods. He’s learned not to take Evans silence as anything more than face value. 

He can actually enjoy the silence between them and the warmth on his side as they sit leg to leg to hold warmth in because Connor was an idiot and wore ripped jeans.

“We can wait inside if you want?” Evan asks when Connor tries to hold back another shudder.

“Weather doesn't stop punk.” Connor grits because he is going to follow through with his decision.

“It’s not punk to freeze.” Evan quips back, looking to Connor for his expected snarky reply. He grins, already knowing he’s being a smart ass. Connor didn’t become friends with Evan to get his shit called out, but here he was.

“Your jackets aren't good for the environment, hippie. I don’t want to hear it.” Connor huffs, but he’s grinning. Evan snorts beside him.

 

His mother's shiny bmw pulls up in front of them not to much afterwards. 

“Hey boys.” She smiles like she was a little too happy to pick up her son and his friend from school. “How was school?” 

“Ughhhh.” Connor groans, throwing his backpack onto the floorboards. Evan follows with a less dramatic ‘ugh’.

She has the heater on full blast and in it thaws them so fast he can hear Evan sniffle and Connors hands ache. He doesn’t think he’s supposed to feel this old.

“I need to go to Jareds.” He says when he clips his seatbelt, Evan follows suit, silent. “This is between me and him.” He says quietly to Evan and he nods. He seems like he wants to say something, but he pulls out his phone instead.

His mother has dropped him off at Jareds enough for her to get there without needing direction from either of them. Evan looks out the window and Connor looks for anything to worry about in Evan. Car rides usually do him good

“I hope everything works out.” His mother tries to be supportive with what little information she has as he climbs out of the car.

He’s grateful Evan seems at ease to climb into the passenger seat when he leaves him alone with his mom.

 

It’s just Jareds car in the driveway, meaning his dad was gone to work. So he walks in without knocking. It’s not like he usually knocked anyways. The front door is old and heavy enough to let anyone home know he’s coming in.

He’s been to Jareds home several times before so he tries to ignore the subconscious feeling of not being welcomed. 

He knows what caused Jared to throw their friendship away the first time. He was terrified to reveal himself when he learned who Jared was, and he was scared rightly so. Now he thought they were past that. He thought they both just decided to pretend that none of that happened, but it was as if Jared was trying to throw their friendship away all over again and Connor had a  _ whole lot more  _ riding on this that the first time around.

Connor isn’t stupid, he knows his place in all of this. If there is going to be a fall out of any kind, Connor is going to be the odd man out. For fucks sake, Jared and Evan like each other, why would they ever pick Connor over the other regardless of situation? He has to make amends with Jared or he’ll lose the both of them, it doesn’t matter if Jared’s the one starting this shit in the first place.

Jared bedroom door is already open and it looks like he was waiting for him. Connor doesn’t let the bit of Jared finally being ready to talk slip. He’s been good since the start of the school year, he can’t slip up just when it really mattered.

“What are you doing here?” Jared asks like they both didn’t know. Maybe he just wanted to hear it out of Connors mouth.

“Because you’re ditching us, and I’m fucking tired of it.” He leans against the doorframe. Jared rolls his eyes and tries to laugh. He’s trying to hard to find a way to joke his way out of this.

“So?” He smiles, Connor tries to focus on the gap between Jareds two front teeth rather than the itching in his fist. He’s being taunted and he knows it. If he blows up, Jareds off the hook. No ever listens to the crazy temperamental kid.

“Did it ever fucking occur to you how we’d take it?” And he’s always been protective like this, over anyone he’s thought that mattered, but here and now, he knows he has a right. This wasn’t like Zoe or Heidi, this was Evan; his best friend. He wasn’t going to let Evan feelings be stomped on by this idiot. “You know that Evan can’t take being blown off like that, and I’m not here to look for shitty excuses!” His lungs feel fuller when he shouts. He’s walking a tightrope of anger, one misstep and his argument is gone and he’s in the wrong again. “I’m here because you’re my fucking friend whether you like it or not.” He says without screaming. His anger ebbs, and he knows he’s just frustrated. He wants to pretend that nothing happened between them just as much as Jared does. He just wants everything to be magically okay again like it had before, but he’s willing to fight if he has to. He’ll fight like he should have done the first time. 

“What are you, five? You can’t  _ make  _ someone your friend.” Jareds always been hard to talk to when your trying to get him him to be honest, especially since there so many layers of asshole to get through, almost no one has the endurance for it. Connor guesses it's a good thing he’s stubborn as hell.

“Look, I don’t know what the hell I did to change your mind, but  _ don’t  _ blame Evan for it. Don’t make him choose.” He’s been trying to keep Evan out of it this entire time. If it’s down to Evan to choose- Hell, if  _ anyone  _ has to choose, Connor is fucked. 

He can’t be the odd man out again. If Evan and Jared ditch him, he’s back to being the crazy kid. He can’t, he  _ can’t  _ do that again. He wasn’t expecting anything from them, he didn’t care if he own feelings get stepped on, he just couldn’t be left alone. What would his mother think? For once she was proud of him and Evan and Jared were the exact reason why. What about Heidi? What about Evan learning to look like he belonged in the school hallway? What about himself and all he’s managed to not do?

“I won’t, I chose for him, now get lost, Murphy.” Jared tries to wave him off like a lost dog. Connor won’t stand for it. Maybe he was only meant to be the crazy school shooter kid. Maybe the more he makes of himself, the more he hurts those he used for his progress. Leap day wasn’t too far, right? He’ll get Jared back for Evan and then he can step out of the picture before he can somehow turn it sour again.

“No! Fuck- what do you want? I can just walk out, and it can be just you and Evan again. I can fucking disappear-”

“This isn’t about you!” Jared snaps. “You can freaking have him! I don’t care, just leave me alone!”

Connor hates everything about this. Jared screaming, the feeling of being locked out, his best friend becoming nothing more than a bargaining chip. He can’t get any traction in this argument. He doesn’t know what’s left to say. He can’t fix it no matter what he did.

He hadn’t expected this friendship to last, but if he was being honest, this wasn’t a scenario that came up when Connor would hypothesize what will be the breaking point. It was supposed to be him. He was supposed to be the one that ruined it all with his temper and his inability to understand. He was the one that was supposed to hurt others.

Connor doesn’t answer. He would only make it worse if he did; their friendship was falling apart as fast enough as it is. He just stands there just watching it. He wonders if there was anything he could have done differently. He wonders if he actually regrets being their friends if it was only meant to end.

“What are you waiting for, Murphy? You think you can get everyone to kiss and make up?” Jared taunts, feeding Connors anger. He felt to cornered and he knows Jared is forcing Connor to turn on himself. He’s trying to make Connor the one to ruin it all. He stands, bucking up to Connor too much like Connor would do to strangers. Fuck, does Connor hate seeing himself in Jared. He’s hates seeing what he’s made him. He’s cornered and not even his anger can save him now. He can’t undo all he’s ruined and now it’s come to destroy him. “Do something, freak!” Jared pushes, his hands heavy on Connor arms as he pushes him physically.

It was as if he pushed Connor out of himself.

Neither one of them expect Connors back to hit the wall, but it does. They don’t expect Connor to sink to the ground, but he’s on his knees on Jareds bedroom floor, and the anger doesn’t come no matter how hard he’s poked or prodded. It’s just...gone. Just like his breath. Just like whatever warmth his mothers car heater gave him.

Neither one of them expect Connor to cry on the carpet, but he does.

“I’m sorry.” He heaves. His fingers itch the same way the anger makes them do, but the just dig into the fabric of his jacket and his nails can’t reach his skin to do the damage he needs them to.

“Hey…” Jared doesn’t prod anymore, but Connor still feels suffocated. When had he decided that this was a good idea? He should have known.  _ He should have known.  _ He just doesn’t want to let them go. He wants to forget all he owes and all he’s hurt. He want to be free of it, because maybe then life isn’t so shitty, and he can make it past leap day and beyond. He doesn’t want to acknowledge that there was more reason for him to die than live.

Maybe he’s crying because he was stupid enough to forget that Evan, Jared, and even his fucking mom are more than what he’s ever deserved. All he’s done is put them all in a place where they were hurt even more when he did die. Jared just knew better. Jared just stirred the shit that Connor has been barely managing to keep under wraps.

Maybe he’s crying because he’s lost the right to live all over again. So he lets go of the person Jared and Evan had made him into, because he was playing pretend for far too long. He stands, pushing back against Jared who was trying to help him up.

“Get your hands off me.” He growls, letting the bitter taste of anger fill in the empty feeling in his chest. He’s been running from his anger for too long that he still feels the need to run. It takes more effort to keep fighting then he’s used to. 

“Look, I kno-”

“I don’t give a fuck! Let that sink in! I don’t give a single fuck what you have to say. It’s all shit! You get you this bull shit from me anyways!” He turns for the door, his need to run finally getting him out of there.

“What does that mean?!” Jared shouts after him. Connor already has the front door in his hand.

“It means you don’t have to fucking dump Evan off on me because I haven’t ruined him yet. Leap year is too far away anyways.” And he slams Jareds front door in his own face.

He’s quick and doesn’t want to be spotted when Jared comes out after him so he goes straight to the side of Jareds house and hides. He hears the front door open after him and Jared call. As far as Jared can tell, he’s long gone.

He’s not sure what to do with himself afterwards.

He can’t go home. Home will lead to school, and school will lead back to Jared.

He can’t go to Evan. He doesn’t have a reason exactly why, but he knows Evan will be upset, and he’ll blame himself.

He should have seen this coming. He should have prepared emotionally for it. He was always meant to be the class freak. He was never meant to make it this far. Maybe his fucking expiration date was back in September when he was so fucking close. None of what has happened afterward was meant for him. He was too far gone and all he could do from here on out was fall further apart. He could only become a bigger mess of a human being.

He wants to run aways from them all, and from this world. He isn't scared of dying. That was never his problem, there’s nothing stopping him from walking out into moving traffic, it could only hurt for so long. He was scared of what came after.

He wanted to know what religion had it right, or if dying really just meant no longer existing and everything really just  _ stops.  _ He doesn’t like the idea of nonexistence. It’s a little to clean, and maybe he just couldn’t comprehend what death really was. He wanted something more out of it. He wanted to be the hospital bed watching Netflix with Evan. He wanted to be fooled into thinking that life isn’t fair and he can get more than he deserves. He wants the afterlife his first death had where he wakes up in the care of Mr. Hansen and bad Netflix shows that lead to him sometimes looking forward to school. He wants everyone to be in on this big joke to make Connor think he’s wanted. It doesn’t have to be true, he just wants to think it.

Maybe life doesn’t mean anything. There’s no difference between undeserving and deserving because everyone is fucked over no matter how good of a person they are. He wasn’t lucky in this life just like Evan wasn’t lucky he survived the fall. He just did. He was never meant to meet Connor or Jared, he wasn’t meant to do anything. None of them were. How can they fail expectations if they’re none to begin with?

They just give life meaning. They give each other purpose. So Connor can take the text from Evan as a sign even though he knows it meant nothing. He can pretend that things haven’t derailed as much as they had. He knows he doesn’t have to make good of the threat he gave Jared because he has no idea what he meant in the first place. 

He doesn’t open the message from Evan or Michael from the movie theatre. He just shuts off his phone and takes a walk down the street, letting his legs take him wherever. It’s not like it mattered anyways.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yaay, I have the next chapter already written so I can do nothing for all next week ,,,, :l the next update is the 25th.


	15. Close Your Eyes And Promise

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jared, with his certainty of all he can ruin, can't understand why none of them blame him for the tragedy he caused. So he decides to give him his best even if he doesn't think it exists.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This.... is gonna be a little bit of a roller coaster so I didn't have the heart to leave it on a cliff hanger

POVJ

* * *

 

Anyone would agree that was one of the worst ways to end an argument, but he hadn’t understood a lot of Connors points until now. _As in a whole twenty four hours later._

“There’s a number I’ve never seen before on his phone record here.” Mr. Murphy slouches over the laptop on the edge of the couch. It was obvious he hasn’t had any sleep. Evan, who was looking over his shoulder, had equally as bad bags under his eyes. Despite it all, Evan was holding together remarkably well.

“That’s- I think that’s Michaels number?” Evan ads, but the father is already digging out his phone to dial the number.

 

Jared sits silently on the Murphys couch, knowing full well he was responsible for this.

“Evan, honey.” Connors mom and Evan had gone out to some cafe while they waited for Connor to talk to Jared. They all trusted Connor and Jared to work it out on there own, not _this._ Evan and Cynthia weren’t the first to know something had gone wrong, but they were they first to say something. Jared just sat back and closed his eyes to all that could happen until Evan was brought back to his doorstep by nothing more than worry. “If he comes to your house? I-” The mother whispers to Evan, her lip quivers, and Jared feels too guilty in all of this. “He won't come here first.”

 

Sure, Connors willingness to just ‘disappear’ to fix Jareds and Evans friendship was _very_ worrying especially when he finished with the ominous ‘leap day is too far’. They were slowly letting the panic ease and think rationally only for Michael to answer the insistent questions from Connors dad. He revealed that they had talked about the number of suicides on leap year and Jared could practically feel his heart stop. He hadn’t listened to what Connor was saying until it was presumably too late. They were all in the Murphy’s living room and they can only guess what had happened to him, but no one would dare to breach the looming subject.

Jared had tried not to think of how eerily Connor left; he just shut the door and burned precious time crying into his pillow. He wasted his time feeling sorry for himself, and then Evan and Mrs. Murphy to show up on his doorstep four hours later. He had immediately though the worst because it was Connor they were talking about. It felt all too much like those movies where officials give the news of death over someone's doorstep. But there was no body and no suicide note. No one could find him anywhere.

So they all just sat around waiting. Jared was just waiting for someone to call his corpse in. He knows better than to live whatever poorly constructed story the family had come up in their head to keep the tears from their eyes. Jared is not sure if he wants to accept what he’s done and every passing second, Connor gets colder.

So he sits on the Murphy couch just crying silently as the patrol officer tells Connors mother they won't look for him. He’s a wild teenager, who’s A. an adult technically because he’s 18 B. had only been missing for eight hours at the time and C. is mentally ill an prone to run away for days on end. ‘Give it three days’ they said.

All they could is wait and hope that Connor somehow changed his mind, even though there was no way he would survive a night in the snow. The way Evan was talking, he wouldn't survive five hours. The usual funny feeling of knowing Connors dumbass would wear ripped jeans with the weather the way it is turned sour in his stomach.

Zoe and her dad stay at the house when the rest of them load up to camp out at the Hansen house. It’s easy to see Larry stays put so he doesn’t scare Connor off, but he has a cup of coffee in his hand, and no intent on resting when he waves them off. He can’t help but feel angry that Zoe only seems to be inconvenienced by all of this.

Evans house is quiet when the arrive, and he doesn’t know what all they are supposed to be doing other than sitting around on their asses. He wants to drive around and at least feel like he’s doing something. Evans holding onto the idea that just maybe Connor was hiding out with someone they didn’t know of, but after a few months of knowing Connor, they knew how unlikely that was. Evan and Cynthia checked the smoke shop Connor bought from, and Larry interrogated Michael, and that was as long as the list went. Connor just _didn’t_ talk to people, but if he wasn’t hiding out anywhere, then he probably froze to death by now and wouldn’t be found until the snow melted. The way Evan keeps going back to the way he was dressed suggested that Connor could have even _accidentally_ froze to death.

Evan goes upstairs with the excuse to call his mom so she can keep an eye out for him around the ER. Jared knows better and lets Evan have the breather he so desperately needs.

“Im so sorry.” Jared starts,looking wide eyed to the teary mother on Evans couch. He doesn’t know how she can stand him right now when he can't even stand himself. _He_ was the last one to talk to Connor. _He_ was the last to yell at Connor. _He_ was the last one to fucking see him. He wants to pretend it wasn't his fault so maybe he could live with it.

The only reason they don’t hate him yet is because they still think there’s a chance Connor will make it out of this one alive like he did last time. Both Evan and Cynthia are worrying, but they are not mourning yet.

He should have just went with the fucking flow. He should have listened to Connor. He should have just kept his mouth shut so he didn’t conceivably lead to one of their freaking deaths. If he could have not hurt Connor for once in his fucking life.

“Oh, honey.” Connors mother says because she doesn’t think that yet. She stands, with tears in her eyes like she knows the possibilities, but she’s staying strong. Jared thinks with a bitter feeling she has more faith in Connor than he did, and he wants to believe her. He wants to be in her mindset through all of this just so he isn’t hurting as bad yet. He wants the feeling of ripping of the band-aid in this, not the slow agonizing realization on just how much he fucked up.

“I’m sorry.” He just says again like it will make it all better. That maybe he can just apologise enough to bring Connor back. If only he had apologized while Connor was still in front of him. And he sobs, letting this woman's arms envelope him. Normally he would be against it, and he doesn’t know why he acts like he needed it, but he sobs harder against her shoulder and he feels her heave tears as well.

“We’ll be okay.” She says, and for someone who’s losing her son, it’s an odd statement. “Despite everything, we will be okay.” She holds on, and Jareds realized she’s already mourned the loss of her son long ago, and she’s trying to raise someone new. It doesn’t mean she loves him any less; she’s just learned not to see him as the happy kid she used to know. She’s trying to be strong despite it all because she still has to be mom for Zoe, and maybe she’ll fill the void Connor left in her heart by doteing on Evan or Jared, because she’ll never be able to let him go so she holds onto Jared like he was a lingering piece of Connor.

“I just-” And he sobs with no shame like only a parent can make someone do. “I just want him to be okay.”

“I know. Me too, dear.” She rocks them back and forth. She doesn’t stop holding him when she stops talking, and she doesn’t let go when Jared slowly stops crying. He tries not to think that it should be Connor in her arms being comforted. Instead he sniffles, pulling his head from her shoulder to wipes his face where dry tears sting his cheeks.

“I should go check on Evan.” He croaks. He knows he’s not ready to face him, but he had no excuse for refusing to be there for him when he knew he was needed. Connor was so much better with Evan. He rarely set him off and seemed to put Evan at ease just by being in the same room with him, whereas Evan would become tense everytime Jared would come around after years of learning better.

Evan and Connor were polar opposite. Always so different, but their differences complimented each other, and on bad days only each other would know what to do. Jared just didn’t have a place between them, but he’s learned it also wasn't his place to say.

Evan sits cross legged at his desk with a black covered sketchbook in his lap when Jared walks in. He’s not skimming through pages, but rather just stuck on the one sketch marking the white paper. Jared silently looks over his shoulder.

He doesn’t know why Connor would leave his sketchbook behind when he was usually so protective over whatever it contained. Now he wasn’t there to defend it and neither one of them are in the right mind to respect his privacy right now. There’s a rough sketch of the three of them; he recognizes it as one of the few selfies Connor participated in. It wasn’t long after Thanksgiving when Jared had driven them to a park and they had walked down a dry river bed. Connor had taken his boots off to walk in the sand and Evan would pause every minute or so to take a picture of expose roots washed away by water that wasn’t there anymore. Back then it was easy to pretend that everything was okay between the three of them.

“You alright?” Jared almost whispers. It didn’t seem like Evan had noticed him until now.

“Hmm? Yeah, just thinking…” He says absentmindedly. His eyes slowly gravitate to the window where the sun had gone down once again and he could see snowfall as far as the window would illuminate. They were nearing day two of Connors absence. “You talked to him last, right?” Evan asks, but there’s no pointing fingers in his tone. Jared doesn’t know how no one is holding him accountable for any of this. “Do you- you have an idea how he was- mentally- when he left?” Evan just looks to the window, he can’t tell what he’s thinking other than the worry is slowly seeping out of him. Evan is beginning to fully understand.

“Yeah…” Jared sits on the edge of Evan bed, leaning on his knees with his elbows.

Evan takes in a shaky breath, and it hurts in Jareds chest. “Do you think…” He doesn’t want to say it. Jared doesn’t want to answer him because he knows Evan will take what he’s saying as truth. After this, Jared wishes he could never say a word again. “Do you think he’s coming back?” Evan says with his last bit of worry, standing at the edge of mourning. Jared can’t bring himself to lie and hold off Evans tears just a little bit longer.

Jared just shakes his head, and Evan nearly slams the sketchbook shut. His eyes endless drawn to the window and the cold abyss past it, his chest heaves with unwanted tears, and his hand comes to his mouth in a petty attempt to keep quiet.

“I’m sorry.” Jared tries. He can’t express how sorry his is. He isn’t looking for forgiveness. He just wants a second chance to do it right. Evan can't give him that though.

He feels his own tears come back, and his self hatred swallows him before Mrs.Murphy has a chance to counteract it. Evan doesn’t take his tears as guilt or self-hatred, he sees it as mourning and a shared pain.

So he comes to Jareds side, holding onto his arm with shaking hands. His tears soak through Jareds sleeve and they cling to each other because they both lost a best friend in this. It doesn't feel like they’re meant to feel like this. They’re hurt exceeds the capabilities of their hearts. They are hurting more than they can contain. It’s so hard to understand.

He can’t make sense of any of it. He can’t make sense of how Connor will never be at their after school locker meetups, or never laugh at Jareds dirty jokes, or stay up late eating pizza with them, or _anything_ ever again. Evan and Jared will go to prom. Evan and Jared will graduate and walk to the stage, smile for the camera and get their diplomas. Their mothers will cry and smile, and be proud. But _this_ is as far as Connor will ever get. Time doesn’t move forward for Connor anymore, this was it for him.

He cries for his own loss, for his best friend. He cries for Connor, in all he never became. A part of him wants to stop, to never go to another school event, to refuse to walk across the stage, if only so he wouldn’t have to live with what he took from Connor. It all felt too much like he was stealing it from him.

He doesn’t feel better when his tears dry. He just feels drained and empty. He wants to pretend that time isn’t real. Like the longer the sit here, the longer they are from a time when Connor was alive and the longer they sit here, the more it proves that Connor really isn't coming back. Connor was alive two days ago, and he can’t fucking comprehend that. _This_ wasn’t real. _This_ was a shitty dream or a bad dimension. Connor just couldn’t leave this fast.

There was soft creaking in the hallway and he hadn’t thought to close the door when Evan had started sobbing. It doesn’t matter, the footsteps go further on down the hallway.

“Your moms home.” He says numbly.

“She’s not supposed to be home till 9.” Evan gives him a look, and he can tell he didn’t hear the footsteps.

Jared nearly trips over himself getting out of bed. “Jared?” He hears Evan call, but he doesn’t stop. The hallway is pitch black, and he knows neither Heidi or Cynthia would bother trying to walk it in the dark. He flips the switch, but there isn’t anything in the hallway further down from Evans room other than an empty bathroom.

“Jared?” Evan leaves his room to see what was going on. “You look like you've seen a ghost.” He says and Jared knows it’s just a saying, but he feels it in his gut. The more he thinks about it, the more he just fucking knows he heard combat boots. “Jared?” Maybe he had. Maybe it was a fucking ghost.

“Oh my god.”

 

Jared tosses on the old air mattress at the foot of Evans bed. He is still expecting to hear footsteps in the hallway, or some more proof of anything. All he gets is low creaks from above. Evan says the house always creaks like that, and Jared knows that. Jared has spent many sleepless nights growing up in the Hansen household and _he knows it creaks_. He also knows for a fact that it doesn’t creak that much, thank you very much. Or maybe he’s just paranoid and looking for answers in anything.

A little past two he hears the footsteps coming up from the back of the hallway. He pretends to be asleep, because maybe it won't scare off ghost Connor if it thought he was asleep, right? He tries to keep his heart beat slow, trying to be believable, but the footsteps are slow and approaching. They carry the same clink as Connors boots.

Slowly they finally make their way to Evans doorway and _fucking come in_. Jared feels like he can have a heart attack right on the spot. Maybe he would look for forgiveness if Connor ghost is wandering around and possibly malevolent.

When he cracks an eye open, he can see the black of the familiar boots make their way around him. It was all a little too real than any ghost encounters he’s ever dreamed of or heard of. He’s slowly beginning to consider that this wasn’t ghost Connor.

When he accidently grazes Jareds leg when he tries to overstep him to get to his sketchbook, Jared knows for sure.

He feels it urgent to sit up and grab hold of the form in the room and like a relief, his hands land on Connors old hoodie and it’s warm. Connor screams, already in an odd position and trying to free himself of Jared's hands to make a break for the door.

“Jared?” Evan is half awake and more panicked than anything else.

“Get the fuck up, _now.”_ Jared says as Connor slips out of his hold and makes a break for it. Jared, no longer looking to be gentle when Connor is in full blown flight mode and possibly is running again for one last time, chases after him and shoves him hard into the wall across from Evans bedroom door. Connor lands on the carpeted floor of the hallway first and Jared uses his weight against him. Distantly he can here Mrs. murphy come rushing from the living room. Heidi's bedroom door opens. Evan turns on the hallway light and he can see Connor under him.

Other than being pinned to the floor, and tear stains on his cheeks, he seems fine and in one piece. Jared still doesnt risk it, and Connor is still trying to fight him off.

Evan drops to his knees beside him, shushing Connor even though Jared was the clear offender. He huffs indignantly, but falls limp with a grumble.

“Jared.” Evan says and he knows what he means. He won't get up off of him, but he stops pinning his arms down. He lets his eyes leave Connor and he sees the old opening to the attic open at the end of the hallway. It answered his questions enough where he could breathe again. He stands and feels panic when Connor moves, but he just sits on the floor, wiping at his face.

 

After the panic and the adrenaline, he finds himself on the floor next to Connor. He can feel him shaking beside him. If Connor were more himself he would be muttering cuss words under his breath and making Jared pay for taking him down like that. Instead he just shakes his head in some sort of attempt to force down his oncoming tears. With all eyes on him on the floor of Evans hallway, Jared can’t blame him for being self conscious.

If Jared were more himself he would be poking fun at Connor in a petty attempt to make the situation a little lighter, but instead of paying with Connors pride, he pays with his own. “You crazy asshole, where did you go?” Grinning is to much of an impulse not to do it, but he makes it obvious of his own snotty nose and runny eyes. Connor doesn’t answer, which is fine, but he twitches his eyebrows and hunches his shoulder until they shake with sobs he doesn’t hide anymore.

Normally Jared can’t stand physical contact with someone he’s just met (especially on the context he had with Mrs. Murphy, yikes), but not even Evan could deny staying close when Mrs. Murphy wrapped her sobbing son in her arms and Jared, Evan, and Heidi to hold whatever part of him the could reach. It was a little difficult to understand he was actually back for good. He had only been gone for almost two freaking days and Jared was off making Evan believe he’s freaking dead.

Connors mother is pressing kisses into his forehead, murmuring lines only a grieving mother could conjure, but he stops shaking and sobbing so violently, and for a long time in a while, Connor seemed content. Jared knows it could be the lack of sleep or the roller coaster of emotions, but it doesn’t stop Connor from willingly letting the four of them cling to him.

Through the whirlwind of all that's happened and into the lull afterwards; Evan hums a tune, and distantly Jared remembers it.

Evans dad had always had a bad sense of humor, something mirroring closely to Jareds, but as little boys looking for anything to laugh at, Jared always looked forwards to Evans dad being there. So he listens to Evan softly murmur a song his dad would sing on repeat until Heidi would reprimand him.

“ _You are one ugly child,_

_Who could your Mama be?”_

Mrs. Murphy is giving Evan a weird look, probably because she didn’t know Evan to say something like this. There’s an awkward smile on Connors, he’s intrigued even though he knows he shouldn’t be.

Heidi is refraining from whatever he initial reaction was.

“ _If I was your Daddy,_

_I would throw you in the sea.”_

It’s short and two the point. It’s like a joke that he was expecting a turn of events, or even a punch line, but it never comes and its straight to the point. Connor snorts laughter, bubbling giggles washing out the tears and bad feelings form earlier. Jared grins, and for now, while they’re piled on the floor and learning to feel better, Jared will pretend no one was the cause of all of it at the beginning. If Evan and Connor really want to close their eyes to the bad they’re dancing with, then Jared won’t open their eyes.

He’ll just have to protect them from something they refuse to see coming. Yeah, he’ll do that.

It’s always easy to promise those boys the impossible when they’re grining through their own tears on old carpet. He’ll just have to close his eyes to his limitations.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SO they're officaly sure with their friendship and now all that's left is to start working on the fluffy feeling until we get our Sincerely Three <3 <3 <3  
> The next update is February 1st!


	16. Worry For Nothing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The boys get back into the swing of things. (Aka a month later)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wow nothing goes wrong for once

POVE

* * *

 

“Guess who got culinary as an elective this year?” Jared grins over what was a plate of not cafeteria food. He was late to lunch technically, but there was students filtering down the hallway with similar plates. Connor still pretends to be asleep leaning on the locker Evan.

“You?” Evan gives in since Connor wont. Jared hands Evan the plate so he can take a seat on the hallway floor next to them. It looks like spaghetti? Evan hopes Jared doesn’t ask him to try it. It’s the beginning of February so he knows Jared has been sitting on this information for some time. He hands the plate back to Jared silently.

“Hi guys!” Alana interrupts their silence, and Connor cracks an eye open. Jared and Connor just look at her, and Evan feels the need to respond with something at least.

“Oh, hi. How’s-”

“Very good, thank you for asking.” Apparently Jared and Connor have learned their lesson. “Why do you three sit in the hallway every lunch?” She pauses, and Evan doesn’t think he can fit an answer between her speech breaks.

“It’s just a little- I don’t, crowded. We-” He tries anyways.

“Yeah, I’d say so. They say our class is the biggest yet, but I’m pretty sure that has to do with population growth. There’s more juniors than seniors, and more sophomores than juniors and so forth.”

Connor closes his eyes again, and Jared moves his attention back to his food. He can’t bare to be that rude so he’s stuck craning his next up to look at her. He feels a pinching sensation on the back of his neck and wonders if it’ll get stuck like that, and if so, for how long? He really didn’t want to go to the hospital.

“Speaking of seniors, the valentines dance is going to be Friday the 12th. Have you been looking for someone to go with you?” 

And she pauses long enough for Evan to be put on the spot. Every single word dies in his throat. He doesn’t want to go. Of course he doesn’t, but if he says no… she worded that a lot like she was going to ask him, right? Right? Why would she ask him? He doesn’t want to go, much less with her. He’d rather not be talking to her right now. He can’t fathom going to a - why is he even thinking about this? It’s not going to happen. He doesn’t want it to happen. Just answer her already.

“Evan? You alright, you look a lit-”

“None of us are going.” Connor speaks up beside him with his eyes still closed. Suddenly it was like he could breathe again.

“Sorry.” Evan scruggs, finally able to say no without repercussion.

“Oh, okay.” She doesn’t look as disappointed as last time, and maybe she’s learning not to expect anything from them.

“Actually, I think my sister was talking about going.” Connor grumbles, stretching out. He didn’t know they were on talking terms. “Maybe you should catch up wither her.” And then he pretends to fall back asleep, on Evans shoulder no less. 

He has to force his back straight, but don’t seem too tense. He can’t make it weird. He needs to calm down, can Connor hear his heartbeat from his far shoulder? He shouldn’t be able to, but he needed to stop living just to be sure because he can’t make this weird. He focuses on the sound of Alana's winter boots clicking down the hallway.

“You’re going to piss her off.” Jared snorts once Alana's out of earshot; proving that Connor and Zoe were still not talking despite the past few months a chaos.

“That’s why I did it.” Connor grumbles, like he was actually trying to go back to sleep.

“What time did you go to bed last night?” Evan finds himself asking, and once it’s left his mouth he knows it’s a bit personal. His voice cracks with the need to apologize at the end of his sentence, but he leaves his bold question untarnished.

Connor shrugs. “Like eleven, but I had this stupid talk with Larry.” He grumbles into his shoulder.

“Is he being a jackass?” Jared joins in, encouraging whatever Connor had to say. It wasn’t often he talked about his life at home, so whatever it was, it had to be significant. And after Connors disappearance last month, they were all reminded of what could be so of course had to go through heartfelt confessions between his family members. Connor just didn’t want to talk about them, and as much as Evan wanted to know, he knew it wasn’t his business.

“No, for once.” Connor bounces the rubber of his boot on the tile. It’s like a countdown to bad news and Evan tries not to focus on it. “I’m supposed to go golfing with him this weekend or something.” He grimaces like it’s the worst possible thing he could be asked to do. It’s not far off. “Please tell me you two have  _ something  _ planned.” He looks to his friends for help, but they’re empty handed.

“Sorry.” Evan tries to give him a sympathetic look. After the whole nightmare and the beginning of the school year and the remainder a month ago, he knew this was a long time coming. He just wasn’t looking forward to the fight it would cause. If they could just fast forward to where Connor and his father learned to talk sensibly with each other, he would in a heartbeat.

“You could fake your death.” Jared unhelpfully strategizes. 

“Jared, no.” He reprimands, because he isn’t about to encourage anything of that sort  _ especially  _ with Connor. Evan isn’t sure if he could handle that a third time in less than a span of four months. Jared rolls his eyes, but his smile is all the same. Connor just nods like it was a good idea, but he knew better. “Keep us updated?” Evan tries to be supportive. Connor needs to get through this even though none of them  _ really  _ want to.

Connor smiles despite it all. Maybe sometimes he did believe he could pull everything back together. “I’ll let you know who kills who first.” He says instead of anything positive. Evan would have to be stupid to expect anything different.

 

Which lead Jared and Evan to be curled up on either end of his couch with both their phones laying flat on the coffee table just in case either of them vibrates.

“He hasn’t said anything yet.” Evan bounces his foot on the carpeted floor. It does little to stop him from assuming the worst. Like the possibility of Connor running off again or he and his dad got in an awful fight or Connor decides none of this is  _ really  _ worth fighting fo-

“That’s a good thing.” Jared props his arm on the back of the couch, and even though Evan knows he’s right, he can see Jared pretending to be calm. Connor would go through phases where he had a lot to say, but for the most part, he would never be the one to start a conversation. None of them were conversation starters, so that’s what lead them to this. “ Evan.” Jared pokes a finger into his shoulder. Jared gives him a fake smile, but it’s a little reassuring nonetheless. “He’s gonna be fine.” He reiterates, but Evan decides not to believe it.

He believed Jared would come around when Connor came home early from his skiing trip. He believed Connor when he said it was just between him and Jared. Okay, maybe he didn’t believe that, but he stopped pressing, and that ended up with Connor going missing. They  _ still  _ don’t know why he did what he did, and at this point, he was a little to scared to ask because if it reminded him, he might do it again. But it could be an unresolved problem, and Connor may end up thinking they don’t care enough to ask, but the  _ do  _ care, they’re just….

“You don’t know that- not for sure.” Evan starts. He doesn’t sound like himself, but maybe he’s just tired of sitting and doing nothing while he pretends that Jared and Connor had magically gotten long when  _ apparently  _ they hadn’t. “We still don’t know why he just up and left- or- maybe  _ I  _ just don’t know- you guys are just- what aren't you telling me!” So he lets one frustration overlap the other. He’s not sure if he’s made sense, he usually doesn’t.

“Why do you think I know?!” Jared bites back, and in the face of yelling where Evan usually back down, he doesn’t. He yells louder, and he stops biting his tongue. He’s tired of sitting on the sidelines, and he knows he can’t make it any better, but that doesn’t stop him from blaming them for what it’s become.

“You were so sure that he was dead-”

“ _ You  _ said he probably froze to death!”

“I was scared! I was still hoping he would come back-”

“You heard Michael! He’s-”

“He’s getting better!” He doesn't want to hear this. He’s happy pretending.

“Get your head out of your ass!” Jared screams, but it seems to be the last of it. He’s worked up to the point of tears, and Evan was already past that. “He’s better than what he was, but that doesn’t mean…” There’s a soft look in his eyes, and he knows he’s scared too. “We used to be friends.” And then Jared finally explains what he couldn’t figure out. “Back in like Junior High… you remember that kid I used to talk to all the time?”

It’s weird talking about a time where Jared and Evan told each other everything. It's weird thinking that they were this close before because it doesn’t feel the same as it did then. “From myspace?” Evan sits on his knees on his corner of the couch. The fabric is a little rough on his skin so he ends up scratching his arm where the couch has touched.

“Yeah. Weird huh?” Jared tries to laugh despite the growing question as to what turned them against each other.

“What happened?” He asks, trying to push back the memory of Connor refusing to let any part of this surface. There was something he didn’t want Evan to know.

“I found out who he was.” Jared shrugs like that was that. That was what lead to Jared harassing him in the hallway out of nowhere. That was what lead to Jared never mentioning his online friend again. That was all it took.

“Jared, thats-” He doesn’t want to say it.

“Shitty? Absolutely unforgivable, yeah I know.” Jared didn’t look to happy with himself either. But Evan remembers what little Connor said about whatever was ‘between him and Jared’. He remembers Connor wanting to work it out, wanting to put an end to the feud, but afraid of what Evan can only assume is ‘why’ it all happened in the first place. He doesn’t want to know for sure that it only took his reputation to lose a friend.

“Have you talked to him about it?” He asks and the flash of fear on Jareds face answers that question.

“I don’t know how you want me to go about that.” Jared tries to chuckle the uneasiness out of his chest.

“I’m serious, Jared.  _ You know  _ it’s still bothering him.” Evan doesn’t know for sure, but Jared doesn’t question that statement. When Jared tried to pull away, Connor immediately assumed it was because of  _ this.  _ It was clearly still on his mind.

“Fine, fine! Alright, I’ll do it.” He raises his hands in mock surrender and even though Evan isn’t sure he’ll hold to that, he can’t push any further than he already had.

“Sorry, just-” Evan looks back to their cell phones.

“Don’t do that.” Jared grins like he feels the need to laugh at that useless apology, but he smiles genuinely instead. “I needed that.” And under Jared gaze, Evan wants to curl in. He’s never the genuine,  _ ever.  _

“Who are you?” Evan grimaces between his hunched shoulders. It causes Jared to bark laughter, and become more himself again.

“Okay, feeling time is over.” He’s back to his plastic smile as he stretches out on the couch, his feet touching Evans leg. Evan just hooks his feet under his and pushes Jareds leg back onto himself. Jared outright shrieks. “Stop. Stop! I’m not that flexible!”

From the kitchen he hears Mr. Kleinman call “No blood shed on the couch please!”

“Dad!” Was Jared's only reply.

“Have your crises later! I’m busy right now!” 

Jared, who pretends defeat, shoves another leg under Evan, making him unbalanced enough to let go of his other leg. Jared able to hook Evans head with his knees, holding him captive.

Evan makes a good show of struggling before playing dead. Jared bellows laughter in victory until Evan gets bored of playing and pinches the inside of Jared thigh. Jared screams bloody murder like he always ends up doing when they’re fighting like this before Jared rolls of the couch just to get the hell away from him.

“You motherfucker.” He heaves, breathless. He rolls face down into the old rug.

Mr. Kleinman peeks in through the kitchen door. “No blood?” He asks.

“No blood.” Evan repeats, feeling awfully proud of himself.

He grins, a lot like Jared, before nodding. “Atta boy.” And then he slips back into the kitchen to finish dinner. Jared just lets out a long grown into the rug.

 

They’re sitting at the dinner table, Jared rubbing the sore spot on his thigh as his dad plates out some odd version of chicken and rice.

“I’m off the 15th.” Jareds dad starts the conversation. Jared picks a pea out of his dinner.

“You taking requests?” Jared grins. They’ve always done this. They stake out certain holiday goodies right before the go on sale, but Evan guesses this is a common thing for a lot of people to do.

“Another singing bear?” Mr. Kleinman guesses, and like always, he’s right. “Anything for you?” He asks like it was expected for Evan to get something to.

“Oh uh…” Evan stutters. His dad was smile was calm, patient. That’s what fathers are supposed to be like; stoic but loving. “I don’t know.” Evan shrugs. “ You don’t have to get me anything.”

He looks at Evan like he couldn’t have asked for anything better. “A surprise then.” And the worry of asking for anything fades away like he hadn’t ever asked to begin with.

“Thank you.” Evan mumbles, moving his attention back to his food, until they all hear two familiar dings from the living room.

They both scramble out of their chais and away from Mr. Kleinman asking “Boys?” in confusion. They nearly land on each other as Jared reaches his phone first.

5:48pm  _ Image sent (CM) _

It’s a picture of Connor with a small blue club slung over his shoulder and a badly faked bored expression. His dad is in the background with a club that barely reaches to his hip. It’s clear they’re playing put-put, but they looks to be inside and the course doesn’t look to be made to imitate a golf course like most put-put. Instead everything is over black carpeting and black light highlights the white stars of the walls and flooring and the white walkways.

5:48pm  _ apparently he meant space nerd put-put (CM) _

5:49pm  _ i kno u were looking forward to golfing in the middle of winter :l (JK)  _

Jared managed to answer first despite Evans insistence to wait at least a minute so they don’t seem desperate or worried. 

“He already knows you, Evan. He knows all of that was happening already.” He laughs, pocketing his phone and walking back to the kitchen.

5:50pm  _ :0 it looks cool! (EH) _

 

Nothing much happened that Connor will talk about that day, but Connor is in a better mood than he usually is on a Monday. Evan just likes Larrys facebook post with a rare picture of Connor and him smiling at the same time. It’s captioned ‘If I had known he was that good, I would have never taken him. Lol!’, and he’s pretty sure Connor doesn’t want to see it, but the dad comes out in Larry when distant family members comment on how much he’s grown. He doesn’t hide how much he’s proud of him anymore, but the real question is had Connor seen it?

 

The week goes fast when the whole school is prepping for a school dance. The clubs decorate what they can ahead of time to avoid the rush last minute, but taller students (read Connor) will test just how high they have to put said decorations up so no one can reach them.

Connor has made a total of three really bad attempts of flirting just so he has an excuse to tear another paper heart down. The first was to Jared, who pretended to swoon so largely he hit another poor student in the hallway. The second he gave to Evan, who only told him to stop tearing school property down before he got in trouble, and no, he wasn’t about to carry evidence with him. The third, Connor was back to giving half ripped paper hearts to Jared and once again, he feigned ‘love struck’ and fell out of his chair. They both got sent out into the hall with how loud they were laughing.

The fourth in in Jareds arms as he falls back onto the table in study halls, Evans book now under Jared still busy being dramatic.

“Jared, I was reading that.” He says because he knows fussing about the vandalism isn’t going to work anymore.

“You don’t know what true love is like, Ev.” He says, and for once it doesn’t sound like his overdramatic joke. Evan still feels inclined to not believe him. Jared turns over the heart in his hands to show Evan a badly drawn anthropomorphic frog bust. “I’m going to frame this and hang it above my bed.” He declares.

“You’re ridiculous.” Evan tugs his book out from under Jared.

“Hey, bitch.” Jared greets as Connor takes a seat like Jared has yet to do. Evan doesn’t bother to shush him from insulting Connor, he grins like it was a compliment anyways.

“Hey, asshole.” He doesn’t seemed to bothered by Jared's dramatics, but he’s been front row to it for the past week anyways. “Hey, Ev.” He greets, pulling out his homework.

“Why do you always have to do your homework now?” Jared whines as Evan hands him his own math homework and Connor looks over the notes. He’s started working through the problems step by step and neater since Connor has been using them for reference.

“Why do you never sit in a chair?” Connor answers as he writes the formula onto his own paper. 

 

Students began selling tickets to the dance in classrooms that friday as a last minute chance. Lunch will be the final sale, and that was next period. For now, though, Connor is warding off any offers with an ugly look as they finish the last touches of their To Kill A Mockingbird project. Connor was mostly copying the spark notes and varying the word choice a little so it wouldn’t come up as plagiarized.

The class quiets down as someone steps in through the door. Evans learned not to look up and Connor just doesn't care.

“Do you have any more hair bands?” He asks as he pushes his hair behind his ear again.

“No, sorry. You got the last one yesterday.” Evan answers and he knows how uncomfortable Connor gets when all he can do is look through his hair. So he looks up to blow the hair out of his face along with any irritation, but he freezes. Evan looks up to whoever walked in, standing right in front of them.

It was Jared.

“You know when you’re skipping, you’re not supposed to-”

“I’m not skipping.” Jared rolls his eyes. “Plus your teacher doesn’t care.” And sure enough, Mrs. Sanchez is just scrolling through her computer with her head propped on her hand. “I’m just dropping these off.” He pushes a plate of four chocolate strawberries. Connor regards them haphazardly.

“Are you trying to poison us?” He asks. Evan snickers.

“Not this time, I’m building your trust.” Jared grins, pocketing his hands.

Connor sighs. “What a disappointment.” Jared rolls his eyes, pulling a hairband from his pocket. Connor makes a show of looking disinterested, but he reaches for the band anyways.

“No, you gotta try them first.” Jared insists. 

“You made them in Culinary?” Evan asks before Connor makes a dirty remark. They look pretty good for someone who’s never done this before. 

“Duh.” Jared hands Connor the hair tie anyways. “You need to replenish our stashes.. Or you know, stop losing them.” Jared points an accusing finger at Connor.

Connor just flips him off as he picks up a strawberry. Jared nods for Evan to do the same and he follows suit.

Evan guess you can’t mess up the flavor of chocolate strawberries. Presentation? Sure, but it’s literally only two ingredients, it’s always going to taste good. Connor nods when Jared looks to be expecting feedback.

“Good, I poisoned them.”

Evan nearly chokes and Connor does when he starts laughing with his mouth full.

“Connor?” Evans patting his back, and he hasn’t gotten this far in Health class, he doesn’t know how to give CPR, Connor is going to  _ die. _ But he gets it down and he is still freaking laughing.

“Fuck.” Connor laughs, even though he nearly gave Evan a heart attack, it’s sure not to be the last one.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> next update is feb 8th.   
> heyy i've been feeling like shit for a whilee so i spent no time editing this whatsoever


	17. Paper Hearts and Make Up

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Connor learns to reach out to people and confide in his family.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thankk you guys for all your sweet comments, every single one means a lot to me and encourages me to keep going with this work (especially when Netflix seems at times far more appealing). This one should bring a smile I hope.

POVC

* * *

 

Connor had convinced himself it would be worth it, and if no one else would help, who would? Certainly, no one expected Connor Murphy to help clean up after the Valentines Dance that he didn’t even attend.

“If you were planning on helping on cleaning up, you could have gotten in for free.” Alana says over her shoulder.

“I have no interest whatsoever in attending this over glorified sweat pit.” Connor grumbles, he’s the only one tall enough to reach the decorations they’ve hung from the ceiling, and that’s just barely. He’s already torn down all the easy ones for Jared.

“Not that I’m complaining, and trust me I’m not complaining-”

“I get it.” Connor wishes someone else would have decided to help so it wouldn't just be him left to only talk to her, or be the only one to help with decorations. He had only wanted to stick around long enough to get some 100% not stolen, not vandalized, not school property anymore, paper hearts, but that would leave Alana to clean up the whole fucking school  _ by herself.  _ Connor was heartless, but  _ damn  _  he couldn’t leave her hanging. 

“Why are you here helping then?” 

“If come at me asking questions, I won’t help.” Connor mumbles, pocketing a paper heart. He wonders if she put all this bullshit up too.

Despite hating every second of being this petri dish of mold they call school, being here after hours was a whole lot better. Better being he may actually like being here. The hallways seem bigger when everything was empty and dimly lit in it’s quiet.

“Not that I care, and trust me, I don’t care-” Connor copies her wording. “Why are you here doing all this bullshit yourself?” He pulls off the fake flowers lining a bulletin board.

“For my volunteer hours.” She shrugs like it was obvious. “Colleges eat that kind of stuff up.”

“There’s no way you haven’t already met the needed hours.” He says with the need to keep something happening other than the eerie long dark hallway in front of them. It was better than regular school hours, but the quiet was beginning to wear on him.

“The more experience the better. I want to have the most chances to get into school.” She says simply.

“You’re already going to be valedictorian even if you did absolutely nothing for the rest of the school year. You already have anything a school could ask for, what your doing now is just busy work you don’t even need.” Connor shoves the flowers into a tiny shoebox the best he could while she conjures up a response.

“Better safe than sorry, I guess.” She says quietly, and Connor knows he’s stepped on a nerve. All this for a fucking paper heart.

“You could be overqualified. I’m just saying. Don’t get me wrong, if you actually like doing this bullshit, then by all means. But if you’re doing this for credits then you're probably doing more harm than help.” He moves onto the table tops. They’re almost done cleaning up despite it all.

“It’s not like I like it.” She shoves the other paper decorations into a trash bag harder than necessary. “I think I just need something to keep me busy, you know?”

“I don’t think I do, but I guess that makes sense.” He steals a cupcake off of the refreshments table.

“No, like I have to keep going or else- I don’t know.” She ties of the last bag. All things considered, it may not have been as awful as Connor made it out to be. “I just  _ have  _ to.”

“Like a treadmill kind of thing?” Connor sits on top of the cafeteria table. He likes the feeling when there’s no one around to tell him not to do it. None of the school rules apply to them right now.

“Yeah, I think so.”

“Have you tried ‘doing something’ that was a little less school related? Like a hobby or something?” Sure Connor knew he wasn’t one to take advice from, but he liked the distance from his own problems. He can stand back from his own problems and look at them adjective and just go ‘okay, what have a learned from this?’.  He can give someone else the shortcuts he’s learned.

“I mean, I volunteered at an animal shelter-”

“Not volunteer work. I’m talking about a hobby like knitting or painting or whatever. Pointless busy work.”

“You draw, don’t you?” She asks like the thought just popped into her head. Her brain was so fucking scattered.

“Pointless busy work.” Connor nods.

“Okay, right.” She nods like she totally didn’t get it. “I always kind of wanted to take a tap dancing class.” Or maybe she did.

“See? That’ll take fucking forever.” Connor grins.

“Will you do it with me?” 

What?

Oh no, absolutely not.

 

Maybe it was how he recognized her discomfort with meeting new people, and he’s done weirder for Evan, but  _ this wasn’t Evan _ . In the end, he agrees, because apparently he was fucking stupid.

Luckily, even though they were ‘friends’ now, she quickly figured out that Connor is still not so talkative. So she wishes a good weekend over text and leaves him alone. 

Connor had more important things to do that Monday rather than go to school.  Despite it all, the second half of winter did less to stress Connor out, but discounted chocolate was still discounted chocolate. It’s not like Evan needed him on their project in 4th; they finished it friday and presentations where wednesday. He was going to get off scot free.

So he rides with his mother to the grocery store. She doesn’t say anything about him skipping just as long as he goes tomorrow.

“We all need some ‘me’ days, honey. Don’t worry about it.” She says as she parks the car. There’s a old run down car at the corner of the parking lot. It sparks a new conversation in Connor, but his mother is busy with another. “Is this about Michael? I’m sorry that didn’t work out-”

“Mom,” Connor rolls his eyes. “We’re fine. I told you, we both agreed we better as friends, plus he likes someone else.” He shrugs. 

“Oh, I’m sorry.”

“Mom.” Connor groans. She just won’t let it go. “I like someone else, it was a mutual agreement.” He says to get her off his back, but he only now realizes his mistake.

“Who?” She grins like she just forgot her son had just broken up with someone.

“None of your business!” There’s no fucking way he’s saying anything to her ever again.

“ Is it Evan? Jared? Or this girl Alana you’ve been hangin-”

“ _ Mom. _ ” Connor expected the irritation to bubble up from nowhere, he expected to need to get angry, to shout, to scream. Instead, he has to fight down a smile because it will only feed his mothers prying. He’s not sure where it came from. “I’m not going to tell you.”

“Alright.” She holds her hands up in mock surrender, and Conor decides to finally get out of the car.

“Hey,” Connor starts as they walk in side by side into the supermarket. “I think I want to get a car.” He says it like it’s just a passing thought. He wasn’t looking for her to just up and buy him one like most rich parents; Jared and Evan would give him so much shit for it. How ever he knew shit when it came to buying something like that.

She smiles like she’s proud or something. “If I buy you a car will you tell me?” She grins.

“You wouldn’t.” Connor plays along anyways.

“Okay, you’re right. Half?” He could do half.

“If you let me pick it out.” He knows his mother controlling tendencies.

“You drive a hard bargain.” She sticks her hand out like some serious business deal in the middle of the fucking produce aisle. Connor takes it anyways. “So?” She looks at him for answers.

“Keys in my hand, and then I’ll talk.” 

“What? You could be dating them by then! Where’s the surprise in that?” She has more faith in him than Connor does, but he’s sure that it’s how it’s always been.

“That won’t happen, trust me.”

She doesn’t seem to buy it, but she doesn’t push it any further.

They come up on the mark down display filled with various chocolate filled hearts and flowers had already begun to wilt. Connor pokes a button a gorilla with sunglasses, and it starts shaking, singing a song far too loud that what was comfortable. He clicks the power button again and it dies.

“Connor?” Is said a familiar man's voice. He recognizes him to be Jareds dad.

“Hi...Mr. Kleinman.” Connor says in his best trying not to sound like a rude teenager even though he really is one.

“Are you one of Connors teachers?” Mom smiles, already holding a hand out to greet him. He waves her off sheepishly.

“Oh, no,” He smile awkwardly. “Not at all, Im Jareds dad.” And only then is he willing to shake her hand.

“Oh! So glad to finally meet you.” It’s strange listening to adults talk to one another like this was some block party an unfamiliar neighbor threw. His mother is all gossip and crazy two month hobbies and Mr. Kleinman is all cookies and bad jokes. They both don’t act like themselves and it felt a lot like they were pretending to be mature adults to impress one another. He’s pretty sure they were both intimidated.

“Let me introduce you.” Connor steps in like a faux adult. “This is Mr. Kleinman, he likes to bake and make bad jokes.” He gestures to Jareds dad, he can hear him stutter as if to stop him. Connor can see the look in his mothers eyes because she knows in the end, whatever Connor says is reflected back onto her. When he was younger he’d never understand his mother's insistence that he act right or else people would judge her instead of him. It wasn’t fair judgment because  _ he  _ was the one rolling on the grocery floor, not her, and  _ he  _ didn’t care what other adults thought. Now though? He gives dirty looks to parents letting their kids run around haphazardly.

Pulling his mother out from under the bus or tossing her under, he was sure, but he moves onto his mother. “This is Cynthia Murphy, she like crazy two month hobbies and currently she is a make up lady for...” He tries to say it in his best commercial voice so his mom doesn’t get on his case about making fun of her ‘job’ again.

“Avalon.” She finishes.

“Right, that.”

Jareds dade chuckles, trying to ease the tension caused when Connor broke their make pretend adult conversation. “I thought you like my jokes.” He plays offended.

“I never said I didn’t like them, I just said they were bad.” Connor grins, and his mother elbows him lightly for being ‘rude’.

“Connor hush, I’m sure they’re great.” They all can tell it was a fake compliment.

“No, he’s right, They are pretty bad.” He laughs.

 

Connor stares at the white top of a UPS van from his bedroom window as the delivery guy drops off at package at their doorstep. He can hear the door chime downstairs. He snaps a picture for safekeeping before opening the group chat up.

4:23pm  _ jackalopes are real, Jared (EH) _

4:30pm  [ _ https://yeoldecuriosityshop.com/blogs/news/177793604-are-jackalopes-real _ ](https://yeoldecuriosityshop.com/blogs/news/177793604-are-jackalopes-real) _ (EH) _

4:31pm  _ u know I’m not going to click it (JK) _

4:32pm :l (EH)

4:36pm :( (EH)

5:16pm  _ spoiler alert, its a disease that makes rabbits grow nasties out of their body (image) (CM) _

5:17pm  _ WHAT (JK) _

5:17pm  _ NO (JK) _

5:18pm  _ NOT IN THE GC (EH) _

5:19pm  _ i think i threw up a little in my mouth (JK) _

5:20pm  _ keep your gore to yourself!!!!! D: (EH) _

5:23pm  _ anyways i got a bet for you guys (CM) _

5:25pm ? (EH)

5:26pm whats the color of the roof of a ups truck? guess right and i owe you a pizza

5:27pm im lead to believe its not brown (JK)

5:28pm white! its cheaper on paint and its cooler in the summer!! (EH)

How the fuck does he know why?

5:29pm u looked up! (JK)

5:30pm cheater! (JK)

5:31pm i didnt! But ill share my pizza with you (EH)

5:32pm HEY EVAN WON GIVE US FOOD (JK)

5:33pm real talk how the hell did you know already? (CM)

5:34pm I saw this and it scared me and now i cant share my new found wisdom (image of the truck from Connors window) (CM)

“Connor?” His mother knocks on his door frame; he’s been keeping his door open more often now. She has on brighter lipstick on that she would never leave the house with.

“Is that your new stuff?” He decides to not be a little shit, he guesses his mother's excited grin is worth it.

“Yes, I’m glad you asked.” Oh no. “because I wanted to try this new foundation, but it’s to light for me or Zoe.” He should have seen this coming. “I can use my dark eye shadow and all that so you can look like a…” She struggles for words, but Connor is already sold if he can look get that full goth look. He’s been hiding some fishnets for a good occasion. “Bad chick?” 

“I think you mean bad bitch.” Connor answers, and his mother hushes him. “It’s a compliment mom.” He insists. He’s never understood how adults see bad words as the worst insult someone could ever call. 

“But you’re not a bitch…” Connor is living for how confused she is.

“I can’t believe you’d say that mom!” He acts out, and he knows he’s been hanging around Jared too much. He laughs as she looks exasperated with him. “It really is a compliment, it’s like hot or a synonym for badass.” Connor shrugs, surprised to see his mom take this information for once like she actually believed him.

She nods. “So is that a yes?” He can see her rolling makeup cart behind her. She came prepared.

“If you call me a bad bitch when your done.” Connor crosses his arms like a businessman giving his final offer.

“Once.” She bargains, offering her hand out with her own offer. Connor takes what he can get.

He clicks open the group chat as his mother sets up her colors and creams and whatever the hell else.

5:35pm i was doing a project on the pony express and got a little invested in the wiki pages (EH)

5:37pm you have the app. I saw it (JK)

5:39pm thats not weird (EH)

5:40pm thats also not your buisness (EH)

5:42pm chill im just fucking with you (JK)

5:43pm wait theres actually a wiki app??? (JK)

5:50pm eeevvvvaaaaan (JK)

Connor doesn’t respond, it’s better to wait out Evan than to lure him out.

 

It doesn’t take long for his mom to finish up his impromptu makeover. He felt the need to blink under the weight and stickiness of the mascara, but other than that it was the ignorable feeling of powder all over his face. She pulls away with an unsure smile and all that serves to do is feed his curiosity. So he walks to the bathroom with his mother close behind because she’s invested in whatever his reaction it’s going to be.

It’s not the dark color he was promised, other than the heavy mascara that made his eyes bright , smokey eye, he thinks it’s called. It contrasts with the blood red of his lips. It’s not the goth he was looking forward to, but it’s a bad bitch look nonetheless.

“Damn.” He draws, watching his colored lips smile. It was as if every feature of his face was highlighted and he can totally get behind looking like this every day. He pulls his hair out of his shittily made bun and tries to swish it like he’s seen in the movies, but his hair gets stuck in his mouth and it’s still as poofy as when he put it up.

 

“We should go out.” His mother says as she pins the last bit of ratty hair in place. Connor just plays with the earing she let him borrow. 

“Hmm?” He tugs on the loop. He didn’t think his ears would still be open since he hasn’t worn anything in them for several months.

“Look at your face, honey.” She grins, and Connor thinks she sounds a lot like a model manager. Or maybe it was this makeover giving him an uplift. He’s taken five selfies in the past hour and that's more than he took all of last year. “You can’t just sit inside looking like that! Zoe and me are all done up too.” She says it like Connor was the deciding factor.

The family hadn’t gone out in long while mainly because they knew Connor hated it, and they’ve stopped doing half of the shit Connor didn’t care for until he gave the go ahead. They were still learning not to walk on eggshells around him

“Yeah.” He says and he does want to go out. Sometimes he does want to live the fantasy his mother aims to make. “I’ll go tell da-Larry to get ready if you tell Zoe?” He slips, but she doesn’t press it. He’s not ready to come to terms with it and he’s even less ready to face Zoe.

 

He knocks twice on Larry's office door and he can hear a muffled ‘come in’ on the other side. 

“Whatcha doing?” Connor leans on the door frame once he’s opened it and his dad finishes tucking papers alphabetically into his file before turning on his swivel chair.

“Noth- woah, what’s the occasion?” He looks at Connor like he was alive for once in his life. Other than the well hidden nappy hair and greasiness of his back, he felt like he was living pretty well too.

Connor shrugs. “Mom got some new foundation shades, I think she said.” He answers, and Larry nodded like he understood. 

“Well, it looks good. I guess that’s why she’s good at her job.”

Connor nods, he doesn’t know what else to say.

“How are you?” He asks sincerely. Despite the impromptu put-put adventure, he hasn’t spoken much to Larry ever since the whole train wreck at the beginning of the semester. He hadn’t been questioned on their ‘boys day out’, and it felt a little too much like Larry was just trying to learn how to coexist with him. Larry asking him this five months after he tried to die and a month after he decided to go missing, was a little late. After arguing for several years straight, he supposes anything would be considered bad timing between them. 

Connor was just tired of the fighting as much as Larry was. If he could nip the war where it started, then maybe this could be the biggest step to fixing what he’s done.

“Not fantastic, but better.” He rolls on his heels, choosing to believe his mom and Evan and anyone else who’s told him that his dad did really care. Larry nods, not knowing what to do here. “I-um, I’m sorry for being a shitty kid.” Connor grumbles, because he didn’t know a better way to get this train wreck back on the rails. He glares at the stained wood floor of his dad's office. He can hear Larry stand from his swiveling chair and moves to where he usually sat his desperate customers.

“Sit.” He asks, tapping the over upholstered chair next to him. Connor does with keeping his eyes away from Larry the best he can. “Every bit of shitty kid you are, makes me a shittier father.” He says and curse words sound weird coming from his mouth. His hand in on Connors arm rest and he squeezes, unsure how to actually comfort Connor.

He hears Larry take a deep breath and he knows he’s not going to like anything that about to come out of his mouth. Connor can feel his own mouth tremble. He can see his vision watering down and it wasn’t long before Connor can feel his tears washing away his mothers work. He wants to wipe at his face, and hide it before anyone can see, but he knows it’ll only smear the black that’s dripping down his face. He doesn’t know what set him off. 

Maybe it was the idea that his own dad didn’t blame him when he sent to so long baming Larry. Maybe it was that Connor blamed himself and Larry was taking that from him. “God dammit, I just wanted to ask you if you wanted to go out for fucking dinner.” Connor drags his dirty sleeve across his face. His confidence in this conversation is washing away faster than his mothers work.

“Connor.” Larry tries to ease through Connors tears. “Son.” And that makes it fucking worse.

“Stop, stop.” Connor says the best he can with his snotty nose, and he pulls his  _ dads  _ hands off of his shoulder. “I’m okay.” He says as he forces his tone to be level, and with a deep breath he manages to wipe the rest of the mess off of his face. “I’m okay.” He wants to believe that.

“Connor…” He hesitates, and they both know whatever he has to say next is going to be upsetting. “You’re sick-”

“You’re little late to the party on that one, genius.” Connor stands. He was okay with talking with his mom about this; she always pushed for him to get help while Larry always took some convincing and it’s  _ now  _ that he wants to accept it? He wants to acknowledge it when Connor is beginning to help himself?

“I know!- I know I am, I’m sorry.” He stands to in a petty attempt to get Connor from leaving, but he knows Connor will stay with the need to argue anyways. “If we can get someone to figure out what exactly is happening- if we can know how to treat it-”

“I’m not going back to be prodded like a freak! You can’t keep paying other people to tie my hands behind my back so I don’t hurt myself!” Connor screams, but its out of fear and he hates it. He’s afraid of strangers taking what he’s made for himself.

“We can find others! We can keep looking until we can find one you’re comfortable with!” Larry bargains, but it doesn't work well when he’s shouting too.

“And then what? What good are they going to do me?” Connor snipes. Someone giving a fucking set of rules of can dos and cant dos really won't help him now.

“You’re not a rogue teenager, there’s more to it than that! You can’t keep pretending-  _ I  _ can’t pretending that’s all there is to it.” Larry confesses. “I’ll go with you. We can start with family counseling or something.” He tries again. “We can check out every doctor in the area if you want.”

And yeah, that does sound better because he knows his doctor free status would be short lived with all his done in the past five months. He likes the idea as much as he could; he’d be going with someone just as skeptical of therapy as he was. There were only two ways it could go; they would poke and prod, his dad would see it first hand, and he’s never have to deal with another doctor, or it would actually work out.

“I guess.” He says in his own prideful way of saying yes.

“Okay.” Larry looks like he wasn’t expecting that answer, but he’s relieved. “I’m gonna-” He adjusts his dress shirt; he seems uncomfortable with the leftover emotion in the room. “I’m going to get ready to go. Romano’s sound good for dinner?”

“Yeah.” Connor nods, and he smiles naturally, before taking his leave.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> After the past couple weeks I had, I've been focusing more on healing on this story (yes romance is coming, but in about four or five chapters <3 ) so it's gonna be mega wholesome around here for a while.  
> The next update is the 15th featuring the boys trying not to be cheesy, but making sure Connors content on Leap Year


	18. Leap Year

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Connor makes his decision of leap year, everyone else decides to put their two cents in.

POVJ

* * *

 

It’s unnerving how much Connor will casually bring up obscure and dark topics, especially as February comes to a close and Jared and Evan are filtering every word that grunge piece of shit speaks looking for anything that could be considered a bad sign.

“And so these flowers signify good intention for friends, or hope.” Evan points out a picture of a flower on the inside of his binder, probably from his florist class. There’s a paper heart tucked in the plastic of the outside of the binder, and Jared wonders how Connor managed to get Evan to keep one. He doesn't ask, he just sits on the other side of Evan as he practices his memory on Connor who really isn’t listening.

“And that one?” Connor picks out a different picture, and they all know none of them know better than to correct whatever Evan claims it is. Jareds pretty sure Evans ‘trivia’ is just half factoid half lie, and neither of them know better to correct him.

“Warning for bad things to come.” Evan answers and it was as if they all paused. They were all on freaking edge. The fated leap day was Monday, and the days only seemed to get shorter.

“Well, that’s ominous.” Jared laughs, not letting them sit on that note for to long. “What's the plan for this weekend?” Jared stretches out his legs into the walkway, trying to act disinterested.

Evan shrugs as his answer for nothing.

“I think I’m going to the movies with Zoe Saturday.” Connor makes a face.

“Are you guys talking now?” Evan asks.

“Sorta? Not really, I’m trying.” He shrugs, but it’s obvious it bothered him.

“What about tonight? I got an empty house and a full liquor cabinet.” Jared offers.

Connor shakes his head. “I’m supposed to go to Michaels.” 

Evan looks like he’s already picked up on it, but Jared refuses to be as obvious. “When are we going to meet this mystery boy of yours?  You know me and Mama Evan have to approve.”

“Jared-”

“Relax, we broke up.” Connor blows hair out of his face, and doesn’t bother to shrug his indifference.

“Oh, I’m sorry.” Evan says in Jareds intrusive stead.

“It’s no biggie, we’re good friends so its whatever.” He says and it at least seems believable. “We can do Sunday?” Connor asks and it’s obscure enough the he is the one asking to make plans with them.

It feels like he had a fucking checklist of people to say bye to before Monday.

“I have therapy sunday.” Evan says, and Jared knows that it only takes an hour and his doctors office is closed sundays. Why the fuck is Evan avoiding letting Connor say bye? Shouldn't he, I don't know, spend every freaking chance he can convincing him not to do it? “Is next weekend okay?” Evan plans and Connor visibly hesitates.

Connor is no where near a good a liar as Evan, but he still agrees.

 

“I don’t understand, he doesn’t like keeping it under wraps.” Evan paces the living room, his second beer in hand.

“I’m pretty sure it’s normal not to want to bring it up.” Jared takes a sip of his rum and coke from the couch. Watching Evan pace eases him better if he just sits here.

“Or he’s having a hard to time bringing it up.” Evan talks with his hands and it's a miracle he hasn't spilled anything yet.

“I’m pretty sure I just sa-”

“We just have to bring it up.” 

“I didn't say that.”

“No, honestly, how are we going to actually talk to him about it if we keep just skirting around the issue?” Evan argues, but Jared is pretty sure he is just talking to himself at this point.

“We just have to be there.” Jared supplies anyways. Evan looks at him as sternly as a borderline drunk Evan can.

“ _ Nothing  _ is worse than being surrounded by people you don’t think understand. He might as well be left alone with that ideology.” He says and Jared tries to remember that he’s speaking from past experience. He tries not to think that he was the ‘people who don't understand’ in Evans case. “We can do something Monday, get his mind off of it.” Evan plans.

“What are you suggesting?”Jared asks as Evan pulls out his phone. “Who are you calling?” He’s ready to stop whatever Evan is about to start while he’s freaking drunk.

“I’m calling Cynithia-”

Jared hauls ass off his old sofa.

 

Evan somehow manages to sweet talk Jared's dad into letting him skip school that fated Monday. So they head to the Murphy household at the early hour of seven. Cynthia, already on board with whatever drunk Evan had told her, pulled Connors phone before he could wake up to the sound of his alarm so it goes off on the kitchen table as she makes cinnamon rolls. 

Evan jumps and even Jared is unsettled with how loud and sudden it was before he swipes dismiss on the phone screen.

“It should be safe to put it back now.” Mrs. Murphy says over her shoulder as Evan leaves to take it upstairs with soft footsteps. “How are you?” She smiles when she has to turn around to line the pans with flour. Jared feels awkward being left alone with the parent, but he tries not to let it show.

“Tired.” He chuckles, and she gives him a fake conversational smile before she moves back to what she was doing. Jared takes a moment to send Connor a link, Evan has his own way of making sure Connor knows, and Jared has his.

“What did you send him?” Evan asks when he comes back downstairs to wait for Connor to get up.

“A spongebob episode.” Jared replies, watching Evans face go from assumed understanding to  _ what?.  _

“Wha-why?” Evan blinks.

“You know that one where Spongebob eats the bomb pie?” Jared smiles, and he knows Evan will answer even if he doesn’t understand why.

“Yeah, squidward thinks he’s going to die so he gives him the best day of-  _ Jared.”  _ He doesn’t seemed worried or upset, just concerned with how that is going to be taken.

“Everything okay boys?” Cynthia asks over her shoulder as she is completely busy with breakfast.

“Everything's okay.” Evan answers with a well faked smile. If Evan was okay with being around people he’d make a excellent customer service representative.  _ “Jared.”  _ He says to him quieter and more agitated.

“I know you’re just saying my name in different tones because you actually have nothing to say.” Jared grins and Evan straightens his posture like he was buying himself time to actually say something.

 

Connor comes down in a rush with his bag swung over his shoulder before pausing in front of the kitchen. “What…” 

“Good Morning!” Cynthia sing songs.

“Did you get my text?” Jared grins and Connor pulls out his phone to see what he was talking about. He raises his eyebrow as he clicks the link. “Why the fuck…”

“It’s the answer to what this is about.” Jared grins.

“Oh my god.” He hears Evan mumble, trying not to watch the train wreck Jared had constructed.

“C’mon how else would you explain what we’re doing today, Ev?” Jared looks over to him.

“ _ Jared.”  _ He hushes back.

“What the fuck?” Connor laughs, taking the information better than they thought he would. “Never equate my life to a spongebob episode ever again.” He points with his phone in his hand as he walks up to the kitchen bar next to them.

“No promises.” Jared grins further.

 

Connor doesn’t seem to want a full explanation on what this actually is. He seems to understand well enough to just go along with it, so he doesn’t question why his dad took off of work or why Jared, Evan, and Zoe all seemed to have just decided to take off school today. He just sits by the window watching the world pass by in the far back seat of his moms BMW, with Jared and Evan squished in beside him.

In some attempt to make things feel normal, Larry chatters with Zoe about the idea of band camp. Connor doesn’t listen or speak, and he’s sure it would be taxing on him to do so, but he seems content and that’s all any of them want from Connor right now.

After ice cream, and running around a wooded park like children they no longer where, Jared fell victim to being ‘it’. Evan could hide, Connor could run, and Zoe was just plain clever and it left little chance for Jared. 

Still, after a few minutes of running in circles because he’s sure both Evan and Zoe where whistling and moving along trails just a little off from the one Jared was on, he can across Connor, who was looking through a clearing. Across the field no longer than the parking lot, was the entrance to the park and all of its playgrounds and benches. Together and smiling, where Connors parents, as his dad picked a small yellow flower from from the grass and placed it in his wife's hand.

Distantly he can hear whistling behind him and he still isn’t sure which one of those assholes it is. He doesn’t go to find out either, he just slowly walks up to Connor.

“Hey.” He says and Connor does his best to pretend he wasn’t startled. There’s a loud bird call a few trees over. He vaguely remembers Evan talking about them. Bob whites is the name he thinks. Conor only seems vaguely annoyed with it.

“I’m guessing you’re still it?” He says, he doesn’t make a move to run away from him, and if this wasn’t an attempted heart to heart on Jareds case he would have tried to grab him.

“Yeah, but you alright?” Jared pushes.

“Better than I was this morning.” Connor turns to him, and it feels a lot like Connor was going to tag him. He smile is small but genuine.

Jared tries not to let that relieve him as much as it did, but he breaths a nods. “Good, that’s…” 

Connor invites himself in for a hug, and Jared pauses before letting the rules of tag fall on the back burner of his head. Jared tries not to listen intently on Connors heartbeat, he tries harder not to imagine it gone. Still, he’s haunted with the knowledge of what today could have been. He’s terrified of all the things he could have said or not said that could have lead to Connor, wrapped in Jareds arms with a small smile, dead and cold and never to live today or any other day. He just breathes into Connors shirt, forcing himself to be grateful for the lack of something he doesn’t completely understand. 

Despite the confessions he’s heard and that reality coming so close to coming true; he never took the time to actually imagine what that reality would be like. He never thought what it would be like if Evan had left for his summer job and hadn’t came home with a broken arm, but rather in a box cold and stiff. It would be so much more than Evans off days, but he just couldn’t begin to imagine Evan just  _ not  _ being there. It hurts how simple it is and how impactful it would be… for neither one of his friends to ever walk to earth again, for them to be here and smiling and laughing and then one day just  _ not.   _ It hurts how close he was to that reality.

He doesn’t want to imagine how he would have felt if Connor had actually died back in September, or even worse, if he had died today. He can’t imagine his pain, or hiswant, to just not be here when Jared  _ needs  _ him to be here. Both of them. He would do fucking anything to keep them breathing.

But he doesn’t have to because Connors right here, pulling his face into his shirt as he fucking sobs like a baby. Connors warm, he tells himself. Connor is alive  _ now.  _

He hates crying, and he refuses to think further on the reality that was almost his, so he pulls himself from Connor, wiping his snotty nose on his jacket sleeve. Jared was always better at hiding his shitty feelings so if he’s torn up, it’s a guarantee that Connor is messier.

“I’m good, I’m okay.” Connor hushes when Jared tries to help him wipe his own tears off. He takes a deep breath, leveling out the weird surge of emotion that came out with no words. “I’m it now, right?” Connors voice is still watery, but they both pretend they’re fine.

“Yeah, yeah I guess.” And suddenly Jared felt like he was a target standing next to him. He takes a step back.

“Good.” He smiles, not guinely, but he takes off toward the sound of that Bob white only to cut it off halfway with Evan trying to get higher in the tree he was camped in.

“Come here you whistling little shit!” He hears Connor grunt, circling the base of the tree like predators do to flightless prey. Jared feels laughter bubbling in his lungs, and maybe that was to settle the unease that sat there, but he tries not to think of how his chances of watching Connor trying to drag Evan out of a tree kicking and screaming where low and Jared, somehow with his shitty luck, got this reality.

 

Connor really didn’t want to go out and do much. He was drained enough after ice cream and playing tag in the woods with his feelings only made the exhaustion worse. He wasn’t moody or angry or anything like he usually was on a bad day, but he was just so emotionally exhausted.

Connor and Evan where always good seated next to each other. Evans need to keep moving was great paired with Connors need for outside stimulation. Which was why Connor was laid down over Jared and Evan and Evan had his hand tangled in his hair as he watched the world pass by. Jared could vouch that Evans head scratches were phenomenal. (He had once gotten Evan into the habit of scratching his back if he was turned away for too long, I.E lunch lines or sitting in front of him in class, but that quickly ended when Evan did it to Heidi and she almost broke his nose with her elbow in a tickle fit.)

Connor was back to his moodless content expression staring at the back of the car seat in front of him as Evan dragged his nails over his scalp. Jared probably wasn't the best at reading people, but even though Connor wasn’t visibly happy, he wasn’t visibly upset either. Connor was just calm and content and nothing else. For now, that was good enough.

 

So when they got home, Connor was more than happy to suggest binge watching god knows what on (Evans) Netflix. Zoe heads to her room, speed walking past the three of them in the hallway. Both Evan and Connor watch her silently, and at first assumed it was for different reasons, but Evan squeezes Connors hand with a sympathetic look. He doesn’t have that dumbstruck look on his face that he usually does when he walks too close to Zoe. Connor shrugs him off with a ‘not now’.

Connors parents, with the want to help with the need to at least be near Connor the best they can, come in with anything that can come up with to ask. Cynthia asked if they’d be more comfortable watching Netflix on the TV or in the guest bedroom because they narrowly fit together on Connors twin with his laptop sitting in the middle. Connor likes the feeling of being smothered so she just gets them more blankets. Larry comes in with lunch ideas, he sits at the foot of the bed like parents always seem to do. Connor doesn’t seem as uncomfortable as Jared expected him too, and in fact, Connor seems almost as open to his father as he was his mother which was a rarity. A rarity being it never freaking happened, like ever. He advises that they don’t stay too cramped for too long because of it being bad for blood circulation and mental health.

Meaning Connor's dad actually brought up mental health on his own (with advice that sounded pretty right), without being offensive or setting Connor off. Connor actually fucking agreed to it.  _ Connor actually planned on doing what his dad asked of him.  _ Jared does his best not to look shocked, but he felt Evan shift too.

 

They only watch four episodes of Sense 8 before Connor stretches between them with the intent on getting up and making good on what Larry asked him.

“Break.” He mumbles, pulling the pile of covers off of them and Evan tucks his legs so Connor can get out of bed. 

‘Who the fuck-’ Jared mouths to Evan with unneeded desperation, but despite him knowing how strange this all was, Evan doesn’t question it. Which was fair, if Connor had actually made progress with his family it’s not like he was required to give an update to Jared and Evan every time.

Connor stretches again, his shirt rising up and showing off a pale sliver of skin. Even Evan freezes beside him to watch, and damn, was Connor able to make time go slower.

“You guys good?” Connor grumbles, and his arms drop and the show is over. Jared can see Evan swallow in any attempt to just not answer. Jared is sure to think of this later when he’s in his own bed and alone, and realize the possibility of him staying alone. But for now, Jared gets to enjoy how cute Evan acts around those he’s crushing on and focuses on the relief that he wasn’t alone on the Connor crush boat.

“You’re hairs a mess.” Jared saves Evan from opening his mouth and Connor is already distracted finding a hairbrush with a mumbled ‘fuck off’. Jared grins at Evan and he seems to have a mix of relief and embarrassment on his face. ‘Damnn boy’ Jared mouths and Evan snorts, his hand coming up to cover his mouth and blooming blush.

 

Connor willingly sits on the couch with his parents with a bowl of mac n cheese. The more Connor cries, the more Jared is coming to understand that it was a good thing, because it was coming from a kid who was too ashamed to show anything but anger. Connors head is on his mother's shoulders, calling his tears stupid.

“Why are you crying?” She whispers to him. She tries to not look worried because it’s a miracle Connor feels so comfortable crying in front of four different people. Jared and Evan look intently to the tv, feeling like they are intruding.

He shakes his head. “It’s my favorite…” he grumbles, mixing the food in the bowl. “Thank you.” He says quieter.

“Of course.” She kisses his forehead, his dad nonchalantly rests an arm behind him to squeeze his shoulder. “Anything for you, baby.”

He wonders if Connor was crying because he couldn’t take it all; it was too comforting and calming that he had to expel some of it. Or maybe Evan and Jared were picking up some of what Connor couldn’t have, because Jared heart felt like it physically hurt watching the scene. He’s known Connor at his worst, and he’s finally getting what he needs, and it’s just sitting on the couch with his parents and crying. It’s so relieving that Connor has so much of a better chance, Jared isn't expecting him to die anytime soon. It’s like he’s learning to breathe easy for the first time.

He’s known Connor was getting better, but it’s amazing to actually see how far he’s come, and Jared is sure part of the fullness of his chest is from pride alone.

“I was thinking of doing a cook out for dinner?” Larry suggests with an unsure smile.

Connor nods, wiping the tears off his face with a grin.

 

Connor asks for alone time to try painting again, and his mother pulls out his supplies from where they have been collecting dust. Zoe has been trying her best to stay out of the way of anything happening downstairs. Evan, who oddly got along with Larry for someone who doesn’t handle criticism very well, was outside, helping to prep the grill and chop firewood. Jared, trying to make himself useful, goes to help Cynthia with whatever he can.

She doesn’t seem to need anything, but enjoys the company. “He used to paint all the time when he was younger.” She says with a proud smile. “It used to be landscapes or animals, but over the years… I think he moved onto abstract because it was easier for him to blow off steam that way.” She buries her hands with the herbs from the little plants in the window.

“Do you still have any?” Jared swings his feet at the bar stool.

She sighs. “No, unfortunately. He doesn’t seem like them after he’s done so he usually throws them out.” She pauses, her eyes lighting up again. “Larry managed to keep a few, but they’re all hanging at the law firm.” 

 

Jared snags a video of Evan chopping firewood through the kitchen window and he can hear Mrs. Murphy giggling in the background. He sends it to Connor before he helps Cynthia carry the plate full of raw meat out.

“He is pretty handsome. Im suprised nobody's taken him up yet.” She smiles to Jared like she was insinuating something.

“They’ll have to go through Connor and me.” He doesn’t give into whatever she’s trying to get at. She laughs anyways.

 

Connor comes down when dinner was almost done. There’s varying shades of green littering his fingers and Jared things of the landscape paintings Cynthia loved so much. Connor, although seeming to be in a good mood, only smiles and nods to his family as he plates his burgers and takes a seat next to Evan on top of the railing of the porch.

“How’s your painting going?” Evan tries to make conversation as Jared drags a chair over to them since he wasn’t tall enough to get on the railing as easy as them.

Connor nods and shrugs with the intent to say ‘well enough’. “I’m going to try to finish it tonight.” He says quietly.

 

Evan and Jared stay the night, sleeping side by side in Connors bed as he continues painting late into the night. Jared tries not to be bothered by the feeling of Evan and Connors presence seeping into his bones like a lullaby, but he sleeps easier that night than he had in awhile. 

Early in the morning Larry gets the step ladder and hangs the fresh work above the fireplace before Connor, who was still covered in greens and blues and passes out on the couch, had a chance to throw it out. Connors mother cries and smiles and her husband holds her, both of them admiring the vivid greens outlining a very familiar couple with a yellow flower on a bright red bench at a very familiar park.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The next update is going to be the 22nd featuring ya boy Evan, making amends with Mama Hansen in chapter 19: The Hansens


	19. The Hansens

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A little heart to heart between mother and son can go a long way

POVE

* * *

 

They had one month before graduation, and it’s come to the point where if they were going to fail, they would have already known by now. It was all mandatory tests and school hours ahead of them. Evan isn’t sure he’s comfortable with the fact that they’re officially done with learning until college if that actually happens.

“Mom said I have to go to prom.” Connor gripes as a hello. Both Evan and Jared look up to him from their designated lunch spot. With the resurgence of Connor painting and for some reason taking up tap dancing, neither one of them have seen much of Connor outside of school.

“Gross.” Jared comments and Evan just grimaces. Connor pauses before sighing in defeat.

“ _ Meaning  _ one of you bitches are going with me.” He crosses his arms.

“This is the worst promposal ever.” Jared snorts.

Prom at first sounded fun. Every highschool movie makes it seem fun, but loud music full of people dressed nice and expecting you to look nice too? Or having to dance and you can either dance bad or be ‘stuck up’ for not dancing. Or even step on someone's foot. No, no Evan can’t do that. He can even try to do anything like that. There’s too much at risk and he isn’t even going to get into the cost of a tux or the tickets or

“Ev?” Jared asks, Connor is already seated beside him. When had that happened? The both look at him worried, and Evan feels the guilt at the back of his throat.

“Sorry, what?” He asks, and they both don’t seem to even care what he had missed.

“Is everything okay? What’s wrong?” 

He just shakes his head. “No, nothing. I can’t go, though.” He informs Connor with the best ‘act natural’ tone he can manage. Neither one of them seem to buy it.

Connor just nods before seeming to getting another idea in his head. “Oh! Mom wanted your parents phone numbers.”

Neither one of them seem to bring up prom again, which is odd because they always had a good amount of complaints between the two of them after each school dance.

Another two weeks later and still the topic is dead, and between the three of them, it’s as if prom wasn’t happening despite the lack of decorations in the cafeteria and the dress pictures all over facebook. Neither of them spoke of it, and Evan can’t help, but feel guilty for silently making them not go.

 

Jared cancels their weekend hang out because he had to help his dad with something, meaning Evan was alone at home again. He wants to text either one of them, but he knows for sure Jared is busy and Connor is almost alway preoccupied with his new hobbies. He opens up his laptop and he can see where they all left off their binge watching on Netflix. It doesn’t feel right to watch anything without them.

In an unusual turn of events, his mom comes home just in time for lunch. In all honesty, when the front door opened, Evan sooner believed they were being robbed.

“Hey, honey.” She greets Evan where he so foolishly sat on the couch instead of the safety of his own room.

“Hey.” He says pack, staring at the home screen of his laptop. It was a picture of the his favorite resting spot in Ellison Park, but now it only gave him a sore feeling in his chest. He really should change his background.

He can feel his mother's hand on the back of the couch, the cushion behind him dips ominously. He can practically feel her stand behind him. “I was thinking we could go to that little pizza place down the street for lunch. Just the two of us?” She asks in that voice that’s going to make him feel guilty if he says no.

“Sure, I guess.” He gives in with a lack of any real argument.

The pizza place down the street is never busy, even in the middle of lunch rush. Even with the traffic and the crowds, none of them ever seem to come inside. Evan has only made a couple theories explaining why it always worked that way. Perhaps the food was disgusting and he just never noticed, or there was a health issue that had somehow become public but Evan never heard of. Maybe the workers are rude, but he’s too focused on what he says to notice it or maybe this isn’t a pizza place at all and he’s just tripping out on a malnourished hallucination. He isn’t sure which one he believes is the truth. He doesn’t like any of the options.

He seriously considers the health violation option when they place the pizza on a fancy stand on their table. It looked as good as it usually did, which was a nostalgic level of greasy. Maybe too many customers got heart disease.

“Evan? Is everything okay honey?” His mother asks and he looks up from the pizza between them. She looks worried like always, but the booths here have tall backs and he can’t see any other customers, meaning they can’t see him, and the waitress smiled at him even though he was sure it was just for customer service. Everything is okay, he was just being dramatic is all. He was the one thing that wasn’t okay in this equation. 

“Hmm? Ye-Yeah. Everything is good.” He nods to prove his point.

“I know you’ve heard this a million times before-” She smiles like a parent trying to talk to a teenager. “You can talk to me about anything, you know that right?” He doesn’t remember the last time he talked to her past small talk. It’s been a while since he’s been able to just sit across the table from her without the oncoming deadline of work or school. She could sit here for as long as he wanted, and it was strange.

He nods with the customary ‘yeah, I know’, but maybe he wasn’t satisfied with just that. He can feel more words climbing its way up his throat. He can feel the want to take her up on her offer, but he’s declined it so many times, it’d be awkward to say something now after so many years. “This is nice, I like it when you’re home.” He says instead. Maybe it was a really far off way of saying he missed her. He’ll never be able to say it outright.

“Me too.” She smiles, too much like relief. “I want to do this more often.” She says and Evan can feel the bitter on his tongue. ‘You never follow through’ he wants to say. ‘You always forget’ he feels. ‘You always forget about me.’ Evan takes a sip of his drink. He doesn't remember what he asked for, but it tastes sour.

He opens his phone up, but Connor or Jared haven’t said a word since Friday. Evan doesn’t have the heart to say anything. It felt a little too much like they were leaving him behind, and he wasn’t about to embarass himself by chasing after them.

“Connors parent are hosting a parents dinner Monday.” She says conversationally, stirring her straw in her drink in a nervous habit all her own.

Evan only raises an eyebrow to ask why. He avoids saying anything by taking a bite of pizza.

“I’m gonna sit at the big kids table.” She laughs. “Connor is supposed to take you all to the movies that night so..” She shrugs with a smile. She looks like she trying hard not to say anything. The movie theatre isn’t usually busy on a Monday night anyways.

“Hmm” He says with a lack of anything better to say. He fights the oncoming need to leave. How long have they been here already? 

“How’s school going? You excited to graduate?” She forces.

Evan doesn't think he’s ever heard Jared or Connors parents ask them that. They know, from the daily ‘how was school today’s and just being around them and  _ seeing  _ the anxiousness from them for themselves. They don’t have to ask like Heidi does.

Feeling bitter, he doesn’t actually answer. He just shrugs.

“Can you answer me?” She tries. Why doesn't it matter how he feels about it. He’s somehow managed to graduate despite the fact that he’s in no way ready for the real world.

“Why does it matter?” He grumbles, and sure, he feels shitty for saying it like that, but he eats off his slice before he can take it back.

“Because it’s your future, and I know it’s scary sometimes.” She already seems tired. She always is like that.

“Why does it matter to you?” He rephrases, instead of backtracking. He doesn’t feel the gut instinct to shut the hell up like he usually does.

“Because you’re my kid.” She says even though her features say she’s screaming.

“And you got other things to worry about. Why does it matter that I’m scared? You’re not there to do anything about it anyways.” He lets slip. He’s not sure if he regrets it yet.

“I’m always a phone call away.” It sounds more like an excuse. He knows she has to go to work, how else would she pay for a fuck up kid like him? She has to go to school, he can’t just expect her to drop everything for him.

“Like the pizza guy? Like-… why do  _ I  _ have to ask my own mother to spend time with me?” Evan counters. He’s never been the kind of kid that argues with his parent, but it could be just because he’s never had a chance to.

“Is that how you feel?” She never gets angry, are even upset. The stark contrast of Evans mood makes him feel like he’s over exaggerating. Maybe he is just one of those teenagers who argue with his parents. She doesn’t hide her worry very well, and she takes the energy out of Evan argument and makes it more personal than he was ever planning on making it.

“No- Don’t.” Evan warns. He can’t do this, not here, not ever. “Don’t make this another  _ project. _ ”

“Evan, honey…” She doesn’t have anything to really say. “I love you.” She says in a soft voice like it’s the only thing she can give him. She may be right. “If you need me home more than I will do what I can.” She tries, but Evan is already familiar with her trying her best. It’s what he already has, and he’s selfish for asking for more. “I just need you to talk to me.” She says like it would be easy, like Evan talking about what he feels isn't so far past ‘his best’ that he can’t even think about that.

She takes his hand,  a sad smile on her face. He doesn’t remember the last time she ever looked happy with him. It must be tiring to have him as a son. “We can do this, okay?” She asks, but she doesn’t sound sure herself.

 

She’s home for the rest of the day. There is still no timer for when she’ll have to leave, there’s no ‘I have to leave in an hour’. She’s here… completely.

“How are you doing?” She asks in a way that’s hard to lie to, and Evans never felt the hesitation of ever considering letting the truth out. Her hands are in her lap from where she sits on the couch, trying not to show any anxious energy.

Evan shakes his head, but at least he doesn’t lie, right? He wants to tell her it’s okay, that he understands that they can’t really afford a funeral, and he  _ knows  _ she would be devastated, and she’d struggle through school, and- “I’m sorry.”

“What are you sorry for?” Her hands twitch and he can tell she wants to reach over and squeeze his hand. It was her go to comfort when he was a kid, but as Evan grew more touch sensitive, the action was something she has to wean herself from.

He breathes in then out. He’s not sure what he’s sorry for either other than he is. “For stressing you out? I don’t know- I know I’m a handful some-”

“You know that’s not true.” She interrupts admatly.  “I can only imagine what you're going through, don’t you  _ dare  _ be sorry for relying on me.” 

He nods, and he can taste salt in his mouth and his jaw feels like it’s been wired shut, but he’s sure that it’s just because of the oncoming tears. “I- I know it’s awful- and trust me, I hate it too.” He sniffles and now his mouth tastes like mucus. “I just want to be able to- to have do more than just sit at home- doing nothing- because I have no friends, remember?” He can feel his shoulders hunch involuntarily.

“But you already did.” She says calmly. “You have Jared and Connor!” She smiles despite the fact that Evan can see her eyes are watering too. She’s always cried when he did, it’s like a sympathy thing. “And you’re going out with them Monday night! You already did it.” Her laugh is watery. 

And maybe he did. Maybe he was already able to talk to people once the hard part of getting to know them was out of the way.

“I’m so so proud of you. You’re healing, you’re doing it.” She gives in and she takes his hand, Evan decides a hug was more needed. Her arms are tight around him, holding him, but he didn’t need to be held together this time. He did it. Not completely, but he has already made huge steps and he gets to be proud about that. He gets to be proud of himself. “You’re so strong.” And sure, Evan has seen it online a million times, but coming from his mother's mouth, he feels inclined to believe it.

 

His mother is still here Monday morning. Sure, she went to work Sunday, but she usually works Mondays too. She wakes him up thirty minutes ahead of schedule, but she’s in her scrubs with her hair tied back. 

“Rise and shine, sunshine.” She grins, fixing Evan hair before he gets a chance to even look in the mirror. “I got a mid day shift so I figured-” She paused for her silent drum roll.  She grins. “We should go get breakfast together. Mondays always need a little something extra, you know?”

 

Which leads them to a small donut shop not to far from school. He almost forgot to text Jared to let him know he didn’t need a ride to school.

6:54am your going to leave me alone in a car with HIM? (JK)

6:55am with mom, i dont have a choice really (EH)

6:55am also its youre* (EH)

6:56am you know what maybe i dont even want to give you a ride >:( (JK)

6:57am :) (EH)

It only occurs to Evan that he hadn’t even considered the possibility that Jared wasn’t joking. His still doesn’t consider it, because he can have a Monday morning  _ without _ a crisis. He can do that.

7:00am i am going to slaughter the both of you i need my beauty rest (CM)

7:01am school is in like thirty minutes you need to wake up (EH)

7:01am im on the way you know your supposed to be ready!!!! >:((( (JK)

7:01am youre* (EH)

7:02am YOURE dead to me (JK)

7:03am :)))) (EH)

7: 04am youre both dead to me ZZZZZZ(CM)

“What do you think Jared and Connor want?” She asks before they officially make their way up to the counter. His first instinct is to not get them anything, because what if he guesses wrong? Or what if he comes off as an overbearing friend? But he settle with the security that Jared will eat anything, and Connors taste buds are so used to his moms cooking that he settle for anything. They would like breakfast, and he doesn’t worry about it further.

7:10am Im herrr (JK)

7:15am CONNOR (JK)

7:18am you honk one more time im gonna come down there and kick your ass (CM)

7:19am do it punk! We gotta go!!!! (JK)

Evan smiles, but decides to let them sort that out on their own.

His mom kisses his cheek before he heads out of the car and into school and he doesn’t shrink away.

Jared and Connor are surprisingly already there by Jareds locker. Connor has his hands occupied with two steaming cups from what he thinks is form Jared's favorite convenience store. Jared has his own, and he’s trying to dig through his backpack with one hand. Connor just silently hands Evan a cup and takes Jared before he makes a mess of himself.

“Thanks.” Jared says under his breath, but otherwise just keeps digging. 

Evan gives the cup a questioning glance, it’s warm in his hands. There’s three cups, a logical answer would be this one is his.

“It’s tea.” Connor says as he takes a sip from his own cup.

“O-oh thank you.” He says and Connor just nods, he seems exhausted. “I brought breakfast.” Evan softly announces. “I hope you guys are okay with those little croissant sandwich thingies.” He rolls on his heels. Connors eyes light up a little more past his ‘dead inside’ look this morning and Jared grins.

“Thanks god. I haven’t had junk food and I don't know how long.” Connor sighs, and he seems to animate more. Evan can see coffee written on the side of both cups he’s holding.

They sits criss cross knee to knee in a circle, their small breakfast feast in the center. Jared moans into his sandwich and Connor is not far behind him.

“Do you know all that’s going down today?” Jared makes conversation.

“Parent dinner and moves, right?” He suddenly feels unsure.

The circle members nod.

 

Jared offers him a ride to the Murphy house in third period. He does it casually and for once Evan doesn’t worry about the effort Jared would have to put out to do just that. He doesn’t feel bad when he declined his offer to. Mom has to go there too and she probably doesn't know where it is. It just be easier if he rode with her. He kinda looks forward to ride with her.

Connor invites him to got to the grocery store with him and hang around at his home till the dinner starts. It was simple and Evan not thought he’d ever get invited to parties in high school, but getting invited to do daily activities with friends is so much better. Maybe it’s hard for him to understand that maybe Jared and Connor do actually want to spend time with him, but at least he can accept that it’s not faked. Still, he declines.

 

“I talked to my mom about  _ some things.” _ He shrugs his shoulders, trying to insist it wasn’t a big deal. He gets why Connor shrugged so much.

Connor gives him a worried look as he sits directly under Jareds locker. Jared, who wasn’t trying to hard not to step on him, was standing between Connors legs and digging in his locker.

“Everything okay?” Connos asks, Jared is just intently listening. He usually tries not to speak in serious conversations and Evan never understood why.

“Yeah,” Evan breaths. He can feel himself smile. “Better even.”

“Is that why you’re ditching us for a whole two hours? To ride with your mom?” Jared jokes, but his smile is sincere.

“Evan?” Connor rolls his eyes.

“Hmm?’”

“You know how they say guys with big trucks are compensating for something?” He asks calmly, but Evan has an idea where this was going. Jared has said the same thing about Connor with his combat boots.

“Yeah…”

“I’m beginning to think Jared makes himself a dick because-” Mid sentence, he looks up to Jared to insult him face to face. Jared looks down too, his smile quirking and his hand going to Connor's hair. Evan really isn't sure if what he’s about to witness is them flirting or killing each other. The odds are honestly one to one.

“That’s a good look for you.” Jared snorts, and oh-  _ oh.  _ He thought it was odd Connor was letting Jared stand in his face, but Jared and Connor where always the weird friends and Evan learned it was really better not to say anything.

But there’s red on both of their cheeks, and Connor has enough pride to reach up and pinch Jareds thigh hard enough for him to back away from Connor.

And maybe Evan starts to understand why they are weird with each other. He wonders if they know, he wonders if it’s their pride stopping them. He doesn’t think about he feels his heart dim a little when he has little chance with either of them if both of them are him competition.

In moment of panic he tries to remember their weird interactions. Jared would stand on his tip toes just to put his arm on Connors shoulder just to call him tall. He did that to Evan when Evan was the tallest of the friend group(duo). He's seen them link hands because Connor seeks physical connection in crowds and he's known to reach for Evans hand too. 

 

“You okay?” His mom asked from her seat behind the steering wheel. Evan considers his options.

“I’m bi.” He starts and before he has a chance to even continue-

“Oh honey, that’s wonderful! I’m so proud you t-” She takes his hand.

“No, mom, that’s the problem.” His fingers run over the torn cuticle on his right thumb. She looks confused. “I like Connor  _ and  _ Jared.” He says, and even though he wasn’t sure, he’s sure of it now.

“They’re both very sweet to you.” She smiles. 

“I think they like each other.” Evan doesn’t humor his mother smiles. Not this time, not when it’s so fresh on his mind, and he’s panicking and if he doesn't say it now, he’s going to end up saying it in front of Connor or Jared. Her smile drops and now she finally gets it.

“Oh… I’m sorry, I know that can be hard.” She looks sorry for him, and Evan doesn’t want to feel sorry for himself. He refuses to look on the negative side of this.

“They’d be good together.” He says simply, and they pull into the Murphys driveway.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Evan is so fucking close to piecing it completely together.  
> Next update is March 1st: The Best of the Tree of Us, in which the boys finally go to a hecking dance


	20. The  Best of The Tree Of Us

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Connor realizes that sometimes he can be happy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> woww, it's the last chapter before the boys graduate,,,  
> sorry for the late upload, I'm in the middle of moving so it's been a little hectic.

 

Get Ya Own Tree Puns [Here](http://punpedia.org/tree-puns/)

POVC

* * *

 

Not cracking under he want to come clean and vent about how much Alana took over  _ his _ fucking surprise was becoming more and more horribly difficult. He can tell she’s having a harder time because she just doesn’t know how to make conversation without talking about what she’s been up to.

Connor has put everyone in their designated parts. He came up with the idea, he got the support and funding from his parents. He got all the parents to sit and talk over the plans without Evan raising questions. He put Alana in charge of the tiny details, and Jared in charge of making sure none of this reached Evan. All that was left to do was sit back. He’s done his part and he feels nervous with it out of his hands like this.

And today was the day to see if everyone followed through. He doesn’t think he can breathe.

5:15pm whats the plan for this weekend? (CM)

Waiting felt too much like his plans were failing. Jared should be here in fifteen minutes.

5:20pm im stuck going to a family wedding :/ (EH)

So that’s how Heidi go him to dress up him with no questions. He’s beginning to feel more at ease. Connor didn’t have to come up with all the answers. He could depend on them and so far, everyone is following through. Still, the feeling of a looming tragedy is cemented in the back of his head.

5:22pm lame (CM)

5:23pm i really dont wanna go (EH)

It was a simple code between them meaning ‘get me out of this, I don’t care how’, but now Connor or even Jared can’t save him. It wasn’t real anyways, but he can’t stand denying him when he asked for safety.

Jareds nerves must be getting to him as well, because he’s here seven minutes early where he usually is always late.

5:24pm omw stay pretty ring boy (CM)

5:24pm thnks (EH)

 

“He knows we're coming now, how the hell are we supposed to-” He can hear Jared as soon as he opens the passenger side door. Jared is dressed in a ridiculous striped suit jacket, but at least he kept to black pants. Connor pulled at his makeshift ribbon tie self consciously.

“We’ll call Heidi- don’t get your panties in a wad.” Connor shuts his door, blowing steam out of his mouth.

“You’re not one to talk.” Jared grumbles, pulling haphazardly out of the driveway.

“Did you at least get-”

“Yes, oh my god.” Jared crones on, honestly their nerves are going to end up with them killing each other. “Don’t get your panties in a wad.” He mimics in badly constructed Connor impersonation. Connor just rolls his eyes. “We totally got this.” Jared says after a beat of silence. Connors sure he’s speaking to the both of them.

“I’ve never done this before.” Connor defends before slouching into the worn cushion of the passenger seat.

“Well neither have I.” Jared scoffs. “Relax, it’s Evan and we know how to handle at least that.” Jared says sincerely, and Evan was right; Jared does make a weird face when he’s trying to be serious.

 

Normally Connor enjoyed how closely they lived, just a fifteen minute walk or a two minute drive. Now? Now Connor hated it. 

“I bet you five bucks he cries.” Jared tries to ease the tension in both of them as he grabs the poster board and Connor picks up the box.

“That’s really not the goal.” Connor tries not to comment on the awful pun Jared picked out for the poster board. It was cheap and a little to easy, but it was all they could come up with.

“No, like happy cry?” Jared snorts, opening the door slowly and only halfway to miss the creak at three quarter of the way.

“This is stupid.” Connor pauses in the dark hallway. He can hear Heidi and Evan talking in his room.

“Too late now.” Jared whispers before tucking the board behind him.

 

Both Hansens pause when Jared and Connor first stand in the walkway. He’s sure to make his presence known because he knows fucking better than to just dump a box of leaves over Evan unannounced. He really tries to ignore Heidi pulling out her phone as fast as she can.

Evan is dressed in a blue suit, slouching on the edge of his bed with his fingers picking at one another. The blue always went well with his hair, and it’s snug and perfect and enough to make anyone's heart jump in their throat. But it’s still Evan with all of his nervous mannerisms and that makes Connors heart jump bad enough.

He steps forward, shaking the box side to side, and he can see it in Evans eyes that he 

knows it’s about to go over his head. He tries not to think how long Jared took trying to get the biggest variety of tree leaves he could because he wasn’t sure what was Evans favorite. Evan’s nervous, but he trusts him. Connor tries not to disappoint.

And then over goes the leaves Jared picked himself over his head in a rain and Evan smiles. Whether it's out of relief or wonder, they’ll never know.

“The best things come in t(h)rees!” Jared reads off the poster along with the organic confetti. “Going to prom with you would be a treet.” He grins.

“Oh.” Evan says in a tone he’s recognized as Evan trying to buy himself time to say no, but he’s smiling, and blushing, and his hands are in the leaves. He’s laughing, his hand coming up to his mouth like it always does.

And Jared was fucking right when he said Evan was going to cry.

Connor drops the box, falling to his knees beside Evan, Jared is immediately at Evans other side.

“Hey, don’t do that.” Jared tries, hesitantly trying to pull a hand from Evan face.

“We didn’t mean to make you cry.” Jesus christ, Connor heart was not built for a roller coaster like this.

“No, no. It’s good.” Evan wipes at his face. His smile was still there despite it all. “You guys are so nice.” Evan sobs and neither Jared nor Connor knew how to work with that. Heidi was just trying to stay out of it.

“I know how crazy and scary prom can be.” Heidi speaks up, probably having a better idea of where to go with this. “But Connor and Jared, and your other friends planned their own prom.” 

Connor would have said something about being slightly discredited, but he wasn’t about to admit that he orchestrated a whole fucking prom just to go with Evan and Jared  _ as friends.  _ He felt fucking relived Heidi didn’t tell Evan that, it was bad enough that Jared knew.

“So it’s not crazy loud music with a bunch of strangers. It’s just ours.” Jared shrugs, taking back the conversation after Heidi steered it in the right direction.

And then Evan was on the floor with them with an arm around each of them.

 

Prom wasn’t some magical romantic evening like whatever teenage drama portrays. It was its own kind of fun. It was playing the cupid shuffle for four times in a row because they can play whatever the hell they pleased, and even Connor couldn’t deny the routine dance. It was Zoe being extra with every movement to the point where that shitty danced actually looked good, and Alana laughing so hard fondue came out of her nose.

It was the special kind of happy of pushing Evan to slow dance with Jared because in a miraculous struck of luck one of them pulled the long straw.

“You alright there?” He hears Zoe asks as she pulls a seat out beside him. They’re both watching the dance floor, but it’s really only Evan, Jared, and Connor's parents out there. His parents are just rocking back and forth hugging each other, and as cheesy as it is and as much as he wants to vomit, it looks nice, for them at least. Evan and Jared are taking turns fancy spinning each other, and Connors trying to keep track of which one is smiling the cutest as they go round.

“Peachy.” He mumbles. So far Jared is winning if only because Evan keeps going into self conscious phases.

“Which one?” She asks.

“Hmm?” He quirked an eyebrow at her, but he’s really having a hard time looking away from the boys grinning at each other. Evan just had the bold move a dipping Jared, and now they’re taking turns. They’re not even trying to pretend to dance anymore.

“Alana is really nice.” She says like she was hinting at something else. She nods over the were Alana was debating Jareds dad on the best temperature to keep the fondue at.

“You gay?” He snorts. He meant it as a joke, really he did.

“Now tell me which one it is, Romeo.” She grins.

He shrugs. “What’s it to you?” He can’t see how Zoe can blackmail him with this except by causing damage she doesn’t want. He already has her crush to use against her, but he guess that's the only reason she said it to begin with. “Both.”

“Oh-da-”

“I’m fucked.” Connor rolls his eyes. “I already know.” He huffs indignantly. 

“Good luck with that, dude.” She tries to sound sympathetic. “No really.” She taps his arm to get his attention from wherever it was. “Try not to die out there.” She grins as she nods to Evan and Jared running to him with wide grins.

“Fuck.”

Evan, who has been naturally at ease, but not really complaining, takes Connors hand, trying to tug him out of his chair, but Jared is already standing in front of him.

“May we take this dance?” He asks in a shitty accent, and it’s the middle of the song and half of Jareds attention is on shushing Evan because ‘we have to seem charming not childish’. It’s awful and perfect all at the same time, and Connor is going to need more than Zoes sympathies to save him.

Dancing isn’t crazy romantic like Connor always thought either. It’s fucking crazy and mind numbing and Connor thinks he feels his heart throw up. He’s held both of these boys hands before, but they’ve never seemed to fit this well until now. Their hands felt so familiar it was like he was holding his own damn hand, but better. Jareds smile is like gold among his usual fools gold, and no matter how many times he’s spun between Jared and Evan he can see Evans eyes through the world speeding by. He’s literally sandwiched between them, but it all feels so fucking natural that he’s cackling like their body movements can carry inside jokes.

Dancing wasn’t romantic, but it was like he was living three times as strong as the average. This was the best goddamn idea that he’s ever had.

All that was left for them to do was to sign up for collages god knows where and inevitably grow apart, but they still had this. There was still today for them, and here Connor didn’t have to look towards the future. The present was bright enough to make it worth it. It was worth waking up in the hospital being poked and prodded. He didn’t know how many good days he had left ahead of them, but he’s sure they’re worth waiting on.

With a life full of regrets, there were finally things he can say he was happy with. So he laughs, alongside Jared and Evan, doing spins and dips making themselves seem welcoming to music that’s already moved on. He’s not sure how it was even supposed to work. He was expecting to see the clouds blow on when all he could remember depressive dark skies. He should have seen the difference after all this time of the same dreary existing, but the sun hits him unexpectedly, and all he can think is ‘oh, I’m happy.’ It’s not dimmed by the shadows, or hindered by context, the sun shines bright without a cloud to stop it. 

He doesn’t think he’s heard himself laugh this loud before, but it blends in with their surroundings like it belonged. Like he belonged. He lefts himself know that this wouldn’t have been here without him. That he is capable of making this future his own, and there is still a place for him even though he was lost for so long. It’s as if he finally came home.

Eventually their sweaty bodies catch up to their energy, and they all are lead to the refreshment bar. With heavy breathing they all down their respective cups in silent companionship.

“Holy shit.” Jared breathily laughs. The high off spinning round and round still hasn’t worn off; they still feel like an extension of each other. Connor silently wishes the feeling never goes away, but this is real life and it’s never really listened to Connor anyways.

Evan just nods, taking another cup and downing it. Somehow they both know he was expressing the same thing Jared was. Odd how far knowing someone will get you.

“I’m going to feel this is in the morning.” Jared laughs; it’s a good thing tomorrow was sunday.

“I’m way ahead of you.” Connor replies, rubbing his arm. He can still feel the weight of Evan on his left and Jared on his right.

“Weak.” Jared crones, looking over the little snacks on tiny tiers. They look far more appetizing than they did when he first walked in and that’s saying something. Still, Jared looks back to him with another comment, and if Connor knew better he would have ran then. “You better shape up,” He taps Connor on the arm. “Cause I need a man.” He says almost sultry before cracking a grin.

Connor does the only thing he can without making a complete fool of himself because he’s sure Jared is out to kill him. He rolls his eyes and scoffs indignantly. 

“They got a tiny chocolate fountain.” Evan, the angel, changes the subject. His face is a darker shade of red like he was the one being hit on, and Connor knows he isn’t fairing to much better. Somehow, through only the grace of some greater being, Jared doesn't say anything about it.

They spent the better half of their evening on the school windowsill with plates of junk food on their knees. Jared continued to put whatever pastries he tried and didn’t like onto Evans plate, but taking things off of Evans plate was where Evan finally drew the line. Evan returned the favor when he bit into a sour chocolate candy and then placed the remainder right onto Jared plate while he wasn’t looking. 

“So how’s it going?” Alana walks up to their cubby, they all can see over her head from the window sill.

“Jared is getting to see the top of people's heads for the first time.” Connor comments and Jared gives him a face. He sticks his tongue out at him in retaliation.

“I’m not that much shorter than Evan.” Jared defends.

“So you admit you’re short.” Evan could get catty if he wanted to, and by the look on Jared's face, he agreed that it was so much more funny when it was Evan.

The look Alana had seemed like she never heard Evan say anything more than two polite words. It was different from meeting someone for the first time, maybe more like reading the book and knowing the character, but then seeing their face on a movie screen and it just feels wrong and too personal. Or maybe it was nothing like that.

 

The parents all agreed to clean up afterwards. They even shooed Alana away, so the ever planner she is, offered to take everyone out for ice cream. It was a tight squeeze even in her tiny hybrid car. Zoe was in the passenger seat meddling with the bluetooth and making a queued line up of one song per passenger. Jared, picking something by Beyonce, sat in the middle because Connor was too tall to be blocking the rear view and Evan needed a window. Connor, picking This Year by the Mountain Goats, tried to sling his legs over his only two friends in the backseat and failed, and Evan, picking something by Eden, unlaced his boots before Jared pushed his legs off of him.

And they drove off into the night, getting ice cream past when they should be in bed sleeping. They took turns picking songs, but soon found that they all knew the lyrics to the cheesy pop songs than none of them really cared for. It’s hard to hate a song when you’re screaming along to the lyrics like your heart already knows what word comes next, next to your sister, who you’d never thought would actually be this human, and the boy of your dreams and the boy of your childhood. Connor was always one that stuck to songs that told a story or hade a greater meaning than what what was played on the radio. But it’s all light hearted and easy to remember subconsciously, and so very easy to scream with ice cream in your mouth.

They were cramped in the backseat, but it fed into the juvenile fun atmosphere that Connor was getting high off of. It was then when everything was funny and this right here was so untainted with what Connor expected out of life, that he doubted that it was even real. There was the way the passing street lamps illuminated the grinning face of Evan and Jared. He’s seen people under street lamps before, but the effect is different, and Evan and Jared are looking so human despite their fancy suit jackets. The whole car seems to glow orange under ever street light.

He can’t remember the feeling of his heart being empty despite spending years crying himself to sleep at this hour. He can’t even remember what it felt like to be sleepy. He can just feel how large his heart feels in his chest and it’s stupid and cliche. He thinks that maybe he never really like the popular songs because they talked about things like this; about being happy when you’ve never really accomplished anything at all. He’s knows now, that this is the feeling that drives people into being cliche saps

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The Next Chapter is coming out March the 15th! And ya boys graduate and go on a celebratory trip.


	21. Not Quite Real

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> wow, they were supposed to be on a vacation,,,realxing :? oops

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know a lot of you haven't graduated or done drugs or anything like that, so I'm offering a little of my personal experience for the next two chapters? Feel free to ask if you have any questions about young adulthood for Mama Danny I'll be more than happy to answer. Kisses

POVJ

* * *

 

He’s heard it over hundred times from his parents, and over thousand times if he wanted to count Connor and Evans parents into the mix. ‘You’ll look back on this day years to come.’ They said the same thing about prom, but he actually felt jitters for that. He’s spent just short of his entire life for this day and at this point, he’s kind of over it already.

College was easy to figure out for the three once they actually stopped avoiding the growing questions from their parents. Evan, with what he earned through scholarships, had enough to go to the small community college just a quick drive away, and he’s ride would be Connor, who has already saved up half of what he needs for a car, and isn’t sure enough on his future to pick a major just yet. It’s not like either of them could handle going to a school alone, anyways. Jared would be more than happy to take a break from school before heading back for a computer programming major when the time was right. And then they quickly decided to stop talking about the future, because that was far too big and far too scary.

He expected the last month of school to be overwhelming, but even Evan was so numb to the daily pep talks that it felt to much like them graduation from freshman year, or sophomore, or junior. It just felt the same. It was the same thick review packets, and the same finals as the years and years before them.

The graduation practice didn't stir any feelings either. Evan sits two rows in front of Connor, and Jared sits on the beginning of the row from there. It’s slow and it takes longer to get everyone in alphabetical order than prefered, and then the follow a snail's pace line to their assigned seats. And last, and definitely worse, they sit there for two hours until everyone walks across the stage and back down. 

It was so brain numbing, Jared would have rather stayed in class than this ‘field trip’.

 

They ride together to graduation if only to keep Evan from having a heart attack. Still, despite Evans jitters, nothing feels real. It’s not as if they’re actually graduating. It’s not like they’ll never go to school together again. It’s just summer. That’s all it is.

Jared is separated from them the moment they enter the building. Connor comforts Evan with the idea that he’ll be watching because he sits directly behind him only two rows back. Jared isn’t sure how, but it seems to put Evan at ease.

The tiny hat doesn’t sit comfortably on his head, but neither has any other hat.

The girl in front of him can get the thing to stay with her hair in a bun. The people seated besides him are popular enough to be somewhat friends with the people around them. Jared, ignoring his jealousy, passes the time by eavesdropping on them.

 

The whole thing is a blur, walking in a snail pace line felt too much like running a marathon. He doesn’t remember what the audience looked like or if there is one, but he hears the principal call Evans name. He doesn’t remember when he started calling people, but it was an eternity ago. He can hear his own dad cheer, and the big flash of Mrs. Murphys fancy camera. Despite the knowledge that Evans heart has probably stopped throughout the time he was on the stage, he seems okay. He’s about as pale as the rest of the student body, and it was one of the few days they were as nervous as he was.

His line stands, and it feels like waiting in line for execution and freedom at the same time. He doesn’t hear his name get called, but he doesn’t hear anything, really. His feet are on autopilot as he walks towards the principle. It’s as if he’s never seen him before, and then he leaves.

“It’s been good.” He hears, it’s the first thing in a while he’s heard. He looks at the small quarter worth bouncy ball in his hand. The vice principal smiles at him. Later, in a time that isn’t now, he’ll remember that the particular vice principal bought him a bouncy ball on a field trip back in first grade, and he had somehow managed to believe that they were good luck. They’d give Jared a bouncy ball every time he came into the nurse for falling off the monkey bars and crying until a teacher came.

“Yeah…”

 

He doesn’t remember the party much, it was more for their parents anyways, and the ‘graduated’ where to emotionally exhausted to do anything but eat cake.

 

And then it was summer.

And only summer.

A sensible part of him reminds that Connors parents wouldn't have paid for a trip to the coast and  _ not  _ come with them, if anything significant hadn’t happened (graduating, ahem). Nothing feels as though it’s happened.

“Good morning.” He hears Connor to his left, he takes a seat in the old wooden bench beside him. The wind is blowing and distantly he can hear the ocean. Everything smells like salt.

“Morning.” Jared replies, looking forward. It’s only now that he realizes he’s been on the beach the entire time.

“It’s two.” Connor replies like Jared failed some sort of test. Maybe he had, or maybe Connor never said good morning to begin with. “What’s going on?” He asks like Jared can’t deny it. He wonders where Evan is, but he probably should already know that.

Jared shrugs, because he can’t come up with a way to make this funny so he won't. He doesn’t know what’s going on either, it’s sort of the problem. “My brain is on it’s own vacation.” Is all he can say.

“It’s been on a fucking vacation for a week now. You’re acting like a zombie.” Connor says with all the patience and grace he usually has.

“It doesn’t feel real.” Jared says, and maybe it’s easier to be honest when nothing feels real; like none of this really has consequences.

“You’re going to have to be more specific.”

“We didn’t really graduate, right?” School is all they’ve ever really known. It was Monday through friday and dictated when the sleep, eat, and their fucking free time. Their whole fucking lives revolved around school, and now it was just over?

“It doesn’t really feel like it, no.” Connor seems to be on the same boat, but it’s not sinking as fast as Jareds is.

“What are we even supposed to do?” He doesn’t expect Connor to have an answer.

“You know how during school it was a series of timing it to the last bell, and a bunch of ‘I just have to make it to 3 o’clock, and I’m free’ only to do it again tomorrow?”  Connor asks hypothetically. Jared nods. “It’s like that. You just gotta make it through today. Until you’re just not counting the hours anymore.” 

“That was eloquent.” Jared grins. He’s sure Connor enjoys speaking the most out of the three of them, and it’s a shame he doesn’t do it the most.

“Shut up.” Connor grins.

 

After that, things started to seem more permanent. He remembered most of the car ride back to the hotel room. He remembers that Evan wanted to finish writing one of his short stories and Connor had wanted to grab something to eat. He still didn’t know how he ended up on the beach, and he assumed Connor had to go find him, but he wasn’t sure if he was glad about it.

The pure white bed sheets don’t take him anywhere else. He stays present in the hotel room where Evan is hunched over his laptop beside him and Connor is sprawled out at the foot of the bed, suggesting changes to the story Evan is reading aloud. The reading seems to help Evans stuttering even though Jared can't focus enough to listen to the story itself.

He doesn’t know he fell asleep until he’s awake. There's a soft melody playing from someones phone that can only be described as the feeling of walking through a empty museum or the feeling of looking at something so grand that you yourself feel so small in front of and somehow that is calming. And by grand, perhaps it was the orange light coming in through the almost sheer curtains, blanketing the unfamiliar white room in an appearance that he’s never seen before. The forms of Evan and Connor wrapped up in that pastel orange only being familiarly unfamiliar that he could have only seen it in a dream.

Still he blinks and shifts on the mattress, and the world he’s being presented with doesn’t change. He thinks of Connors words like a voice in your head that the movies show, and he thinks he can make it through this day, even as he watches it being born, and the sun slowly bleaching the night sky. If for once in his life, he’s looking forward to the unquestionable wonder that can only come. He looks forward to the bad and the good like a parent looks forward to scraped knees and birthdays.

And then Evan rolls over, forcing a ‘you can’t prove i did that’ out of a sleeping Connor. And then it’s real. It all is. The music and the orange light, and the boys he’s come to adore. There’s more to it all than contentment under a sunrise. There is so much more to come.

Like usual he struggles to go back to sleep, so he rolls out of bed, feeling the solid presence of the floor beneath him. The floor is cold and he feels ridiculous for whatever half asleep daze he was in.

He goes downstairs with the business people who don't sleep and also get their continental breakfast at six in the morning. He only takes a bottle of water and orange with plans of coming back with Evan and Connor. For now, he heads back to his room. The morning is silent, even as he opens the window.

The air is warm and still smells like salt. Slowly, he watches as the sun breaks the horizon, changing the black sky to red and orange and then to blue.

He finds Connor next to him by the time the last of the orange has faded. 

“You alright?” Jared isn't sure who asked it, but Connor is waiting for an answer so he speaks up.

“Yeah…” he knows he doesn't sound very believable, but he means it. “yeah, I'm doing better.” Connor nods. He doesn't look like he believed him, but he doesn't push. Maybe Jared for once learned that maybe with them ‘are you okay?’ wasn't just a passing phrase. “I guess I'm just spooked or something.”

“bout what?” Connor always had a way of making it feel like nothing mattered. It was like Connor couldn't care one way or the other and that's why it made it so easy to talk to him. Sometimes Jared had a hard time believing that they ever stopped talking to one another when Connor brings him such a comforting nostalgic feeling that only Evan had been able to do.

“What's ahead of us.” Jared find comfort in the past. It's what he knows.

“Maybe it'll do us some good to not know.” Connor says like they haven't already been living things day to day. None of them where the type to plan a future.

“You're going to college with Evan. You do know.” still Jared feels the need to make his point if view known.

“This is not the part where you say you need to do your own thing.” Connor bites,changing the tone of the discussion drastically.

“Don't get shirty with me. You and Ev are doing the same thing, going to the same college.” Jared wasn't going with that, but who was he to stop how the future changed? “Don't act like you need me all of a sudden.”

“are you fucking- you can't just fucking-” Connor choked on his own words and the want to fix this, but can't. “You're not doing this again.” Connor has always had an angry kind of sadness to him and Jared hates to see it. 

“step off, Murphy.”  And maybe he was scared of Connor and Evan leaving him behind.

“Jared.” It wasn't Connor, that tone was too recognizable, but it's never made him shrink away like this. “inside, both of you.” For all it was worth, Evan was capable of being far more demanding that Connor could ever dream off.

They were already inside, but they shut the window and retreated. Obediently, they sit side by side on the mattress, and it feels a lot like he was a little kid being caught fighting. It was scarily accurate.

“Look, it's no big deal, really-” Jared didn't want Evan involved if he could help it. 

“I heard the both of you.” Evan has always been so much like Heidi, even in the scared parent way. “Talk to us, please.” And fuck if Evan didn't sound scared. His hands are shaking and he pockets them when he sees Jared looking. If they were the people they were at the start of this against the world’ friendship, Evan would have already apologized for his attitude, and Connor wouldn't have stayed put to see this conversation through. Jared probably would have tried to run too.

He already tried to run because he was still the same asshole he was at the beginning of it all. That's where the problems stem from; him. 

“No.” He holds onto that idea.

Evan, who was having a hard time hiding his stress, turns, like he just can't look at him anymore. He rakes his hands through his hair like someone out of options.

Connor is taking ahold of Jareds arm like there is a possibility that he can get Jared to stop running. His grip is tight and his knuckles turn white as his face. They both look terrified, and if Jared thought they were overreacting before, he was beginning to believe he wasn't aware of something they where. Sounds like the usual.

“What's the big deal?” He tries to laugh it off, tries to ignore the fact that he doesn't understand.

Evans crying. He can see the fear in his stature just by the way he turns back around. Jared hates how he's come to know them so specifically.

“Evan.” Connor warns, suggesting that he steps out for now between the lines.

“No, I'm putting my foot down.” He wipes at his eyes. Jareds spit feels thick in his throat and his eyes sting. Evans crying has always been contagious.

“What's going on?” He hates not knowing. Evan and Connor were as random as they came. This could be over anything.

“You're coming with us.” Connor starts and still it makes no sense.

“to college, or, I guess- apartment.” Evan clarified.

“What?”

“We have to stay on campus for freshman year.” Connor ads like it explains something.

“But through the sheer force of our moms,we're rooming together. So we thought, if you wanted to…” Evan trails off.

“You're coming with us.” Connor reclarifies. 

“Okay...that's it?” Jared doesn't really understood why Evan broke down in tears just to say something.

“We aren't leaving you behind. That's what this is about, right?” Connor was usually more obvious than this. He still didn't know what  _ this  _ was.

“What are you talking about?” Jared blinks.

Connor blinks and Evan looks like he only believed Jared was playing dumb.

“You… you went fucking brain dead for two fucking weeks.” Connor stands from his spot to look at him one on one. They both looked at him like he lost his mind.

“We thought maybe you were just stressing over finals, but you were still kind of dazed, and then maybe it was graduating, but you're still… you were still… _ you weren’t talking to us _ ” Evan finally puts it into words.

“Oh…” Was all Jared could respond with. He felt like an idiot, but that was a usual. He wasn’t sure what he could even say to that. He had barely realized it happened.

“What’s going on?” Connor asks simply, and it makes it feel like it was any ordinary question. He made it feel like answering it would be as easy as an ordinary question.

“Just a little freaked out about this whole being an adult now, I guess.” Jared shrugs; he’s picked that up from Connor.

“Okay.” Evan nods. Jared doesn’t know what he’s answering, but he feels a little less at the center of it all. “It is pretty scary, but we’re gonna…” He trails off. Evan never makes plans without permission, so he looks to Connor.

“We’re sticking together. Got it?” Connor says with badly faked confidence. For such close knit friends, they all seem a little too scared of separating.

“Got it.” Evan echoes behind him, his arms crossed almost defensively.

“Can’t get rid of you two, I guess” For now Jared lets himself believed that, and smiling is a little bit easier. Things began to feel real again; the huff of amusement form Evan, and the roll of the eyes from Connor. He was on vacation with his two closest friends while they all learn to become adults as they’re thrown out into the world all of a sudden.

This is real and so is the future ahead of them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Personal note: (So I never really got used to the feeling of not being in school, and I'm not sure if it's something I'm supposed to grow out of. Now a days it feels like work kinda fills in the time wasted like school does so it's relatively the same scheduling, but work usually tends to be a whole lot less stressful and emotionally demanding. I do miss a lot of my friends that I talked to, but never saw outside of school. I always feel like I'm wasting my future when I hear back to school ad, but I know what I've planned for my life.) I hope that with finals approaching, anyone feeling jittery with graduating soon, I just want to remind that the whole process is super boring and they'll explain everything five times over because a lot of kids won't listen. They'll have you practice everything that you'll do it on auto pilot when that time comes.  
> Next update is the 15th! called : Frightful Night and Good Morning with some High Connor TM (it's bad, but not in the way you think is is)


	22. Frightful Night and Good Morning

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Connor has come to many cross paths in his life; he just didn't think he'd have to meet those that chose differently than him. AKA Evan tries to fix it

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING : bad high trip :(  
> Yo, don't get me wrong. I'm not against weed or anything; this is just based of an experience I've had (except my sorry as was Connor in this situation), and my recommendation to only go under the influence (of anything really) when you are with people you trust your life with. (IE my roommate played the role of Evan and Michael heere)

POVE

* * *

 

They were inseparable when they returned, probably all fueled to prove that they wouldn’t fall apart like most high school friendships tend to do. They would come up with anything to do; going to see movies, trying new fast food joints, and star gazing off the side of a country road sitting on top of Connors new  _ black  _ SUV. Those nights were Evans favorites. Connor always floored it going down dirt roads, sending a dirt into the air behind them in clouds and he grins maniacally. His juvenile delinquent tendencies have become so tame over the past year. This is as badly behaved as he gets anymore, and Evan can keep up with this. Jared likes the feeling of the warm air hitting his face, and Evan likes the sound of crickets echoing into the dark night. The moon always seemed to be brighter those nights.

But like all things, good things slowly dwindle into nothingness.

Things got quiet not long into the summer. The days where a mix of going over to each others homes to sit around on their phones; Connors room always had a staticy old rock station playing in the background, Jareds room always had home baked goodies and they had perfected eating cookies off of their own chins, and Evans house was quiet, only having parental supervision a fraction of the time. It only depended on what the days mood was on where to go. Sometimes they’d just stay in their own beds and watch shows together through Rabbit. It was then that their friendship seemed less forced, but still a little lonely.

Today was just a quiet day where Evan was left alone to his quiet house. It was the definition of a lazy summer day, the sun was long up before Evan himself was up and the only thing that sounded appetizing was the ice cream truck playing garbled tunes through an old speaker.

So in a fit of out of character courage, he picked up his mother's old wrinkly twenty and headed out the door. He waved the truck down in a well hidden worry, and made a quick decision of the first thing that looked appetising from the sun bleached pictures on the side of the truck.

“The suns killer this year.” The stranger makes comment.

“I think my sneakers are melting to the cement just standing here.” Evan somehow manages to sound human. The stranger laughs in a way that wasn’t fed by customer service. Still, he busies himself with digging the freezer behind him and it’s strange seeing some else as awkward as him. It was strange that it took him to get out of his headspace to even see it.

He’s always assumed people pegged out awkward behavior when they spoke to someone, but Evan, when talking to people, never held onto odd statements or strange behavior; he rarely looks for it at all. But here Evan’s noticed it, and it does leave a negative imprint on his mind, just a note without opinion: the ice cream guy is a little nervous, that is neither bad or good. He begins to think why would anyone else think negatively of him, when he doesn't?

He sure to smile wide and friendly when he takes his ice cream.

They day continues on like an ice cube slowly melting. Finally, relieving the pavement of the scorching heat, the sun goes down. The night slowly winds to an end and all that’s left to do is lay in bed and scroll through social media. He silently wishes he was on top of Connors black truck looking into the endless darkness.

Until Jared calls close to midnight.

And calling him was a strict, emergencies only kind of thing. They got by well enough through text and Evan  _ dreaded  _ phone calls.

“Hey, sorry to call you so late, but um- Michael- Connors ex, Michael called me and -” Jareds speaking fast, and it's a scary parallel to his own worked up way of speech. They seem to have rubbed off on each other in the worst ways. “Connors flipping out, and he can’t get him to calm down.”

“What happened? Is he okay?” Evan isn’t sure if he asked it or if he just thought it.

“They were smoking and Connor had a bad trip, something about him not believing he was really alive and Michael doesn’t know him well enough to talk him down.” There was a pause, and Evan already knew what was coming next. “I’m picking you up in ten minutes, be ready to go.”

“Ye-yeah, yeah of course.” He answers and the line went dead.

Time seemed to go so much faster right after that phone call, but his screen hasn’t even blacked out yet. Maybe this is what they meant by time slows down because the clock doesn’t seem to be going the appropriate speed. He pulls on the same jeans he had been wearing the majority of the week and tried to find socks that didn’t smell too bad.

Jared was there in less than ten minutes, but Evan was ready and already worried with what was actually wrong with Connor in five. He wasn’t exactly sure how marijuana worked or the risks behind it. He hoped he wasn’t about to find out.

The car ride felt longer than it probably was, and all that filled the air between them is the high pitched humming of Jared's car as he zipped through dark and deserted suburb street. It’s strange how when you miss someone, you remember strange things like the fact that Connor had a lead foot and it wasn’t because of the cast he used to have. It almost hurts how Jared is driving like him right now.

The house was unfamiliar and unwelcoming from the outside, but Connors black blazer was parked outside, welcoming with all the times Evan has taken naps in its back seat despite how short of a time he’s owned it. Despite the feeling of interrupting Connor with his own friends, he follows Jared to the door.

Jared phone dings with a message Evan can’t read, but he opens the door. Evan thinks this is a lot like robbing someone only it’s the residents of the house that’s going to get the jump on them. The house is dim and empty, but they still wander further in, Jared counting doorways to his right until he picks one, and descends the stairs that lie behind it.

“Look, look, they’re here.” He hears in a voice he’s never heard before, but the strangled sob that followed afterwards where a little too familiar.

The whole room smells like a skunk, and the stranger looks too worn out and tired to do much more than he has too; which right now was to keep Connor talking. It’s easier to ignore the stressful situation when Evan can just focus on Connor for now.

“They weren’t supposed to be here. I’m not the right one.” Connor says like he’s been trying to get Michael to understand for some time now.

“Hey…” Evan doesn’t comment on it. He sits next to him on the worn couch, and Connor is rubbing circles into the back of his own hand. “What’s going on?” Evan says as calmly as he can. He can hear Jared get the summary from Michael. He doesn’t seem to fully understand either.

“Why are you here?” Connor says loudly, like he couldn’t hear himself or he didn't have much control over it. Evan doesn’t let the question sting.

“Michael said you wanted us.” Jared pipes up, but Connor looks at Evan like he had said it. Connor looks down to his hand, still rubbing circles, like he hadn’t realized he was doing it, but he doesn’t stop either.

“No-” He looks back to Evan, the fear becoming more evident. “That wasn’t me, that was a different Connor.” He says it so seriously that Evan didn’t immediately catch on, but the oncoming panic in Connors expression was even beginning to worry Evan. “I’m not the right one.” The circling movement speeds up.

“What do you me-”

Connor stands, but his hands never stop the circling movement. “There’s too many, this body is trying to take all the Connors from all of the dimensions.” Connor has always been expressive with his hands when he was worked up, but they still stay tied around one another, orbiting in a non stop circling emotion. It’s feels a lot like watching those stupid online videos with bricks in a washing machines, slowly come further and further apart. “They’re all different, and  _ I am them  _ for a split fucking second.” He breathes. “They're all feeling something else. Some are panicking, some are happy, but it never sticks to just one.” Evan doesn’t remember a time when Connors spoke that fast, but all of it slurs together and Evan doesn’t think Connor has a lot of control over it.

His hands finally leave one another, but he’s rubbing at his arms in even bigger circular motions. He’s shaking. “It’s like we’re telling my body to do something and it only sorta does it.” He says quieter.

“Connor-” Evan stands as well, having no idea how to diffuse Connors quick spiral. His fingers are like a constantly changing knot.

“I’m not even sure which one I am! Or if I’m in the right dimension.” Connor sobs. “I don’t know if you’re my Evan.”

Evan takes his hands, but Connors fingers can’t stop moving and they wriggle in Evans grasp. Connor seems to be coming down.

“What are your hands doing?” Evan asks softly. Connors hands are cold. His skin is clammy, but he’s so cold to the touch. Evan can’t help but to assume it’s out of fear.

“They switch the Connors, I can’t- I can’t stop them.” He sobs, coming back to himself. “I can’t stop my hands.” Evan intertwines their fingers, squeezing Connors fingers in place. He can still feel Connors hands fight the constraight, but for now, they are still.

“Better?” 

Connor nods with a sniffle. He lets out a sorry laugh. He doesn’t seem to believe in anything he’s seeing. “I can feel each one come in, it feels like flipping pages or something. It’s cold. There’s a fucking draft between pages.” He looks to their ball of hands between them. Evan is sure he’ll never understand that metaphor.

“Do you want me to let go?”

“No…” He says softly. “I know which one I am, but the others are fucking sad.” He says it like it was normal. Maybe in this situation it was. “Ones jealous, he wants this even though he wanted to be dead and succeeded.” Connor says and Evans blood runs cold. This is easily the most ominous thing Connor has said to date. “Another knows that none of this is actually real…just a sad invention” Connor trails off like he was inferring like he was that one.

“I’m worried about mine, though. The one that volunteered to clean up the valentines dance just to get me a paper heart? And who wanted a black car, and was surprised to see the white top of the UPS truck.” Evan tries, and Connor smiles. It makes Evans heart melt a little, but he blames it on the relief. It was  _ his  _ Connor.

“I’m that one.” He says slowly, grinning like a dork.

“Good.”

 

Evan makes the mistake of letting go of Connors hand.

It started with him aggressively circling his hands around each other, his fingers dancing like how teachers would tell the itsy bitsy spider. He spiraled fast, already forgetting how to speak when there were too many different people taking over the body for it to form coherent words.

He stands from the couch, trying to find some grounding from the change, but he looks to his friends on the couch, paling fast. Evan stands quickly after him, his hands going for Connors, but they’re tight in their movements.

One of the worst feelings was watching Connor succumb to his tears, scared and not able to speak, and none of them really knowing what was really going on in that head of his. And Connor looked dead into Evans eyes, silently pleading for help and Evan fell short. Useless as always.

Evan just wanted it to stop. He wanted to find a way to take away the trip.

Evan wanted to trade. Connor can make anything seem okay again. Connor would do so much better in Evans shoes. It should be Evan falling apart because at least then one of them could pick things up again.

It was his sobbing that broke Connor free of his frozen prison, and Connor took advantage of it by wrapping himself tight around Evan. His hands fisted into the cloth of Evans back, but he finally managed to stop the movements himself. Like a relief, Connors tears came harder, his whole body shaking in Evans arms. Somehow, despite Evan failure to help, Connor still found comfort in him.

Michael and Jared motion them to an air mattress where Connor was supposed to sleep.

“If you can get him calm enough to pass out, we should be good.” Michael instructs, and Jared hovers with no clue how to help, but wanting to.

Connor continues to cling to him, his body shaking, even as they laid down. Connor takes advantage of the change in height to shove his face into the front of Evans shirt to muffle his sobbing. Evan wasn’t sure if rubbing his back would bring the whole ‘other Connors’ again so he settled with resting his chin on top of Connor head and squeezing Connor until he was whole again.

Evan is more than willing to hold Connor to the end of this, not matter how much feeling Connor try to put himself back together breaks his heart. He’s failed Connor already; he could at least do this.

Connors sobbing edges away. He’s awake, but he doesn’t move much like he’s far to exhausted. Michael and Jared say their goodnights, and Connor mumbles along, but it doesn’t make sense and he isn’t very loud. Connor isn’t clinging to Evan anymore, but Evan doesn't have the heart to pull away anyways. Connors just slowly falling limp with his arm tangled into Evans shirt and his eyes unfocused staring at the pattern on the shirt in front of him.

Jared climbs in behind Connor, sandwiching him between the two of them, and throwing his arm over the both of them. Connor curls closer, his forehead on Evans cheek, and encouraging the sandwich smaller.

Evan and Jared stare at each other in silence until Connors breathing finally evens out, and he drifts off to sleep. Finally Connor is warm again. They let themselves follow soon after.

The morning is far quieter, and doesn’t hold that same fear the night had.

Connor’s still squashed beside him, breathing and warm. Jared’s arm is under his head, and it’s incredibly warm under the blanket with all three of them. It’s calm in a way that Evan doesn’t understand what exactly he’s waiting for.

Maybe for Connor to wake and start screaming again. Maybe he’s waiting to not know what to do anymore.

So he rolls out of bed the best he can with Connor partially attached. Connor only partially wakes; his eyes are unfocused.

“Ev?” He mumbles, trying to follow him. He doesn’t seem panicked, just confused. Connor barely supports himself on an elbow, and it looks like he really wasn’t willing to follow Evan much further than this. His hair was messier than it usually was during their nights over, and his face was red. He looked like a mess, but he was okay and damn if that didn’t make Evan feel eons better.

He crouches back down to Connor, and it feel like he can breathe easy now. Connor didn’t need him in a way that Evan can fail him this time.

“Go back to sleep.” He whispers, as Jared is a sleepy fit tries to drag Connor from where he left. Connor lets Jared take him, and he listens to Evan. It’s easy for Connor to fall asleep playing little spoon to Jared. Evan brushes his messy hair out of his face as his eyes close. Nobody to stop him and Evan doesn’t stop his smile from blooming on his face. His chest feels lighter than it has in a while.

 

Evan’s lead upstairs by his need to pee. Luckily he finds the bathroom easily, and the rest of the family he’s not looking forward to meeting is still asleep.

Still, he’s in a rush to get back downstairs, but washing his hands, his reflection catches his attention. He doesn’t really look himself in the face often. His face is too childish for his liking, and if he looks too long it doesn’t look like his own face. No matter how insignificant he looks, he just feels wrong looking at himself like it’s looking at a stranger for too long.

But his eyes are tired and there’s red lines down his cheeks. He doesn’t remember when he was crying. It only makes him worse. It only takes a way the good feeling in his chest and he forgets what it felt like. His life is a cycle of taking happiness for granted when he does have it and missing it when it so quickly leaves. He hates himself for not holding onto it tight enough.

Still, he looks in the mirror and the worthless person he is still looks back at him. He braces his hands on either side of the cold countertop, his shoulders hunch, and he feels all too much like this is the point where he was supposed to give himself a pep talk like they do in the movies. He was never good at that.

“Pull it together, idiot.” He says in its stead, but a part of him wants to claim that that’s how a lot of Connor pep talks start out, but his are in a tough love kind of way and Evans was just… tough. There’s a beat of silence like he was expecting his reflection to respond, and the the bathroom door opens behind him.

Evan spins around, still trying to brace himself against the counter, but it’s only Connor and he never seems apologetic anyways. He barely looks up to him from the tile.

“You didn’t- you’re supposed to knock.” Evan breathes.

“It was just you.” Connor shrugs.

“I could have been not-decent, or-” He didn’t think he’d actually have to explain this to Connor.

“You were.” He says it like it makes everything better. All it did was make Evan run out of argument.

“Right- well, how are you feeling?” 

Connor actually looks at him that time. Their toes are touching, and if it hadn’t been for last night, Evan would be shying away from him. Connor has always been silently affectionate or clingy, but it was more so now.

There’s something oddly intimate about having held someone while they were falling apart.

“Hmm.” Connor blinks. “It doesn’t feel like it actually happened, I guess?” He quirks his eyebrow like it was a question.

“What do you mean?” Evan feels more comfortable to just lean on the counter now.

“The whole thing was so bizzare to experience, it doesn’t feel like it could have  _ actually  _ happened. The whole things feels more like a nightmare more than an actual reality.” He shrugged.

“You mean like- your head is just trying to throw it out the window sort of?”

“It is throwing it out of a window.” Connor clarifies.

“Oh… did it- how bad was it last night? I never actually got a…” Evan doesn’t think he’s ever realized how easy it had become to talk to Jared or Connor.

“It sorta felt like I was a stop animation puppet in real life. Like ever scene would stop for a half second like one of those post it notes animation things.” Evan doesn’t think he’s ever realized how open Connor has gotten.

“You said something about other Connors?”

“Each frame had a different mindset, different history, different emotions. It was a hell of a roller coaster.” He shrugs in a way that Evan could tell he didn’t want to go further into how that was to experience. Especially when one of them was supposedly dead.

“You never answered me. How are you feeling now?” 

Connor smiles, and it’s physically painful when his toes are touching his and he can feel his breath. “Better, thank fuck.” He crosses his arms but they lean onto Evans chest. Evan isn’t sure if his heart is pounding or if it had stopped altogether.

“Good.” Evan whispers because Connor is  _ right  _ there, and there’s no point in speaking anymore.

Looking at Connor in the eyes is way worse than looking himself in the eyes. It  makes him feel real, and that he deserves the space he fills. He makes Evan feel like he’s done something right for once, and it makes his feel stupid and poetic and that he has no freaking clue what he’s doing all at once.

“Good.” Connor repeats, his eyes caught in Evans, and their both screwed because they somehow managed to hypnotize each other. Connor swallows, Evan can hear it. All it would take to break the trance is one of them to speak, but Connor  _ swallows his words.  _

In an act of idiocy Evan leans forward, and by some miracle, Connor doesn’t back away. It felt too much like Connor met him halfway, but Evan can’t tell for sure. Not when Connors lips are on his. And all the things Connor makes him feel are stronger now, but maybe now he knows what he is doing.

Connors arms uncurl between them and his hands grip Evan forearms, to hold him place or pull him closer, no one knows. Evan is too busy drowning to care. His head is so lightheaded he is sure his brain has been vacuumed out. Connors hair is long and soft against his cheek, and with the bony structure of Connor's face, he had never expected him to be this soft.

Connor is the one to pull away, and Evan is already ready to melt right into the sink behind him. “Wait-” He says in a way that makes Evans heart wait.

“I’m sorry- I didn’t-” Evan’s already ahead of him. He can’t take it all back, but he sure as hell will try because he can’t see the trio fracture because of him.

“No!- No, it’s not.” Connor says in a tone that he uses to try to calm Evan down when he knows he said something a little more hurtful than he intended. “I like you, okay?” His hands never left his forearms, but now it feels like he’s using them to hold Evan away. “I like you a fuckton, but this ins’t going to work. We  _ can’t let it work. _ ” He insists. “It’s just the three of us, we all fucking need each other. We have to be equals. Especially now, with us moving in together. We can’t make Jared a third wheel, okay?” Connor breathes

“We can mak-”

‘“You know we can’t!” Connors right, and Evan hates it. He hate that he knows it exists now. He hates to know that he could of had it.

“Okay.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> do you guys hate me yet? or do I need to make it worse?  
> (weed statement up top if thats what your looking for.)  
> Guess who's sick and feels like a dumpster fire?? It's me. You guessed right.  
> Next update coming at ya on March 22nd featuring your boys going to college and their new dorm set up.


	23. The Oncoming Storm

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Connor gets settled into collage life, and no matter how much the future scares him, he is happy with his present. He's willing to fight to keep it that way no matter how Evan tries to progress things.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy Birthday to LuckyHeart!!!  
> <3<3<3

POVC

* * *

 

Pretending nothing happened was easier for Evan than it was for Connor.

Connor had always been touchy with Jared and Evan. He didn’t know why; he’s never really paused to think about why he is the way he is, and he doubted that doing that would end well. He just felt better when he stood next to either of them even though the kitchen was bare of any people. He’d always sit snug against them even though the couch was completely open.

The hard part was knowing that he could be affectionate with Evan and that it would be  _ welcomed _ , and he had to keep mentally kicking his ass. It was all on Connor to keep Jared on equal ground  no matter how far Evan egged him on.

Their small two person apartment would have perfect if he wasn’t trying to fucking chastity from Evan. He’d been all over Jared lately to cope and somehow, _somehow_ Jared hasn’t mentioned it even though Connor can tell he’s noticed it. So much for equal attach ments.

 

Jared doesn’t sleep well in their new home, and at first Connor was sure it was the

sudden change of his sleeping arrangements that kept him up at night. However, it’s been over a week and Jareds tossing and turning keeps Connor up at night even though they’re on opposite sides of the room.

They fit relatively comfortable between a bunkbed and a futon. Evan took the bottom bunk, afraid that he’d fall out of the top, and they’ve tucked blankets under the mattress up top to drape down and make a cocoon to accommodate the lack of privacy. Connor took the top, it was like he was high enough to be out of the ‘room’ if he wanted to be, and Jared asked for the futon because he didn’t want to be a bother. Now Connor knew what he meant by that.

It was almost two in the morning, and they were both fucking awake. Connor remembers late nights of not being able to go to sleep and he’d just hang is legs out of his window to feel the cold night air. But that was at his house, and here Evan would probably have a heart attack. Instead he climbs down and Jared watched him with tired red eyes. It feels good to let Jared know he was awake instead of this stupid ‘i’m asleep’ sleepover game they were playing.

Connor decides to do the next best thing to sticking his legs out in the cool air.

“C’mon.” He whispers and Jared sits up. Sure, they were times that he’s felt bossy, or like he was being a commanding asshole, but never did Jared or Evan say anything of it. A command in a soft voice and he can get either of them to do anything. Connor uses his powers to get Jared out of the house at two am.

There’s a curfew, but the security doesn’t care as much as those who put the rule in place. Something as noticeable as the roar of Connors old 1972 Blazer doesn’t get stopped on the way out of the property gates. 

“Where are we going?” Jared finally asks once they’re past the gates and away from the lights of the campus. Still, their trust in him warms his heart a little bit. Jared never resisted even when he had no clue what’s going on, and with all their fucking issues? That’s goddamn trust.

“Dunno. I just needed to drive.” Connor says with his eyes cemented on the road. There’s something therapeutic to the hypnotising way more and more road appears in front of the headlights no matter how long or how fast he tries to catch up to the line of darkness a hundred feet ahead. Evan didn’t drive. At one time he did, but Connor never understood what happened to put a definite end to that. Jared, can drive, but prefers not to. That leaves Connor, always in control of the destination, and they fucking trust him.

Jared hums an okay, already at ease with this, already trusting Connor with whatever the hell this was. 

And so he drives in comfortable silence. He drives in circles on the winding country roads stretching out behind campus because no matter how many times they wandered through them, they always looked different.

 

It was nearing three in the morning when Jared fell asleep in the passenger seat, and exhaustion hits him like a sack of bricks. He makes the slow trip home.

 

He walks to Jareds door once he’s made it back to the parking lot. As much as he wanted to, he knew there was no way he’d be able to carry Jared upstairs to their room without hurting himself and dropping Jared. So he opts with just gently shaking Jared to semi consciousness.

“Hey, c’mon.” He slowly guides Jared out, his feet too asleep to find stable footing out of the tall truck. Connor nearly has to catch him. “I got you. C’mon.” He pulls Jared to moving again, and he holds tight to Connors hand as he blindly follows him upstairs.

“Evans right.” Jared slurs, to asleep to know better than to say something like he does. “You do have this stupid ability to make everything seem okay.” He yawns, full consciousness was still failing him, and Connor was glad for it. He doesn’t think he can look Jared in the eye not matter how asleep he really still was.

The amount of feeling being spread between them was becoming more and more obvious. At first it was a thin veil of unusually affectionate friendship, but now, through pinning for so goddamn long, things were beginning the fall through. It was as if Connor was the only one to notice it too, and he had no fucking clue how to go about the information he was given. He wasn’t sure if he wanted to even try when he was content now, and the only thing he was good at was ruining things. He wondered what it would take to keep things the way they are now. The balance was needed between them with all of the self-confidence issues. The couldn’t alienate each other. It would be the only way to end them and their closely knit group.

He is going to stop it if he has to.

But for now he stays silent, and guides Jared back to bed. “Go to sleep.” and then Jared was out. The tossing and turning was over and Connor silently climbed up to his bunk over and Evan who doesn’t looked like he’s even turned over since they left. He finally goes to sleep.

Evan and Connor share the early class the following morning. It’s far to early in the morning to warrant Jared getting up and making breakfast like he usually does, and Connor doesn’t have the heart to wake him after the long night.

Maybe he was still delirious from the lack of sleep. Maybe he wasn’t awake yet, but he can’t help, but smile as hands Evan a couple bills and they get their breakfast out of the vending machine downstairs. He was content, and it was a bizarre feeling. Things weren’t perfect, things in the future was uncertain. He was afraid of what they could do to each other, but for now he was happy. This was what he wanted out of the two of them.

Maybe it was because it was seven in the morning and he was hungry, but he can’t remember what it felt like to see nothing in his life. It’s strange to be this happy when Evan hands his a crumbly nature valley bar. It’s broken form where it hit the floor of the vending machine, but things like that don’t dictate how bad his day is going anymore. Maybe this is what it’s like to be fucking neurotypical or whatever.

There’s still a part in the back of his head reminding him that it’s not over. It reminds him of the possibility of all of this is being false, and that he’s eventually going to be crazy again. But that’s not for now, and he bumps Evans shoulder as they walk to class.

 

Their sheer power of their mothers can get them to dorm together, but that power does not extend to group projects. It’s a pair off completely made by the teacher. A pair being too small for Evan to disappear in and Connor having to speak to strangers over things that presumably matter. They were both going to bomb this, and the moment the words ‘arranged partnership’ left the professors mouth, a look of despair was shared between them.

The kid behind them audibly grumbled ‘fuck’, and Connor doesn’t think he’s ever related more.

 

Evan text back and forth under the table for the remainder of class because they’re forced apart and they’re keeping a running challenge on who’s more screwed over by this. 

7:18am she seems nice?? She shook my hand tho (EH) Evan tries to find the positive side of this. It was probably something his therapist told him to work on. It was definitely something Connors said.

7:19am sounds like shes nervous too (CM) He tries to be reassuring. He can see Evan smile across the room and somehow that makes Connor feel better about this.

7:21am hows your partner?? (EH) Out of instinct, Connor looks up to where they scribble their name on the piece of paper the teacher passed out.

7:21am quiet (CM)

7:22am so pretty good lol (CM)

 

He gets a text from Zoe that he answers while he pretends to be working in front of Evan.

7:20am hey, u up? (ZM)

7:23am im in collage and hate myself (CM)

7:23am of course i am whats up? (CM)

7:24am do you love yourself enough to come home for thru the 21st-24th? (ZM)

7:25am why are you asking three weeks in advance? (CM)

7:26am so u dont have an excuse to not show up for my frens b-day costume party (ZM)

Maybe Connor does hate himself if he agrees to this over the horror movie weekend they have planned for the last weekend of Halloween.

Or maybe he misses his little sister.

7:27am rite (CM)

7:28am and plus you promised to be britney spears and madonna with me this year for hallowenn :( (ZM)

7:29am i really didnt (CM)

He knows he really doesn't have a choice in this.

He wasn’t sure if he’ll hate himself for going, but he smiles at his phone. 

He knows he’ll have fun, and it’s odd to have his own brain fucking encourage him to look forward to things. Maybe Evans therapist was onto something with the whole look for the positive.

 

All in all, he felt like he was overreacting by the time class was dismissed. The packet was straightforward, and he did his work and they did their work, and they compared answers. Connor has definitely had more difficult partners before.

Evan was fucking beaming.

“You wanna tell me why you look like you won the lottery?” Connor asks as they sit across from each other in the library. Connor only has thirty minutes before his English course, and Evan has an hour before World Cultures class. It was their own special downtime where they could just sit and talk.

“Huh?” Evan tries to act like he didn’t know what he was talking about. His smile dies a little in the process. Connor wants to subconsciously tell him that it wasn’t a bad thing.

“You seem happy is all.” Connor crosses his arms on the table, feigning nonchalance badly.

“Oh.” Evan shrugs. “It’s not really- it’s kinda stupid.” He looks to the worn finish of the table between them. Connor hates how he looks ashamed over something so normal.

“What was it you said?” Connor rests his head on his hand. His trying so hard to be casual about this, but he’s skirting around being confrontational. “We do stupid?” He hopes he can make everything seem okay like Jared said he did. He wished he knew how, so he could control it for things like this.

Evan blows air out of his cheeks irritably. “Okay-” He doesn’t seem okay with this. “But just reminding you that I already said it was stupid.” He sets out the disclaimer ahead of time. The more Evan insists that it’s stupid, the more Connor believes it isn’t.

“Lay it on me.” 

“I didn’t- make a fool out of myself? I- we had a nice conversation about favorite science teachers, and I followed along- I didn’t make it weird.” Evan mumbles, trying to drain the importance of his confidence.

Connor wants to say that he usually doesn’t make it weird anyways, but it would take away from Evan acknowledging that fact himself.

“I probably just have adrenaline or something from it- I don't know.” Evan still tries to discredit himself.

“That’s still pretty cool though.” Connor smiles, because he can be proud of Evan, but it’s so much better when Evans proud of himself. “Recovery is hard shit dude.”

Evans smile twists.

“Ev?”

“I dunno. It’s- recovery is like recovering something you lost- I was never… you know.” Evan shrugs.

“Then here’s to growing.” And it’s an instinct for Connor to put his hand on Evans. It should be something he’s starving off, but the need to comfort Evan outranks the need to defuse the flow of feelings between the three of them, circling and slowing forming a storm that Connor doesn’t want to make a hurricane.

He’ll have other times to diffuse it, but for now he indulges. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Things are gonna kinda get messy, but it's necessary :):):)  
> This is part 1/4 of The Storm!  
> Next update is March 29th: The Roll of Thunder, where Jared makes his roll known in the tension growing between Evan and Connor ;)  
> (yo if you really wanna know what this whole storm thing about...i updated the tags)


	24. The Roll of Thunder

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jared tries to take a hesitant step into the dark, neither Connor nor Evan tell him what's wrong, but that wont stop him from stepping on feelings that he didn't know are there.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Jared gotta get some too

POVJ

* * *

 

Connor and Evan are known to have their off days where it’s a little harder to find the person they are on the inside. Connor has been ignored and swept under the rug in favor of nice family pictures long enough in his life that it’s important to check in on him with soft words and a warm blanket. Jared became aware of the value of just acknowledging it. He’s been anxious in the past weeks, which is unusual for him, but it doesn’t stop Jared from trying to nurse it away with tentative words. Evan has never been a fan of being obvious so silent companionship is prefered. The way anxiety is manifested in people can vary greatly and there is never one guaranteed cure all for all victims. Although, they’ve all had their problems disguised as quirks, the sudden twisted relapse in those two where… worrying.

The small dorm hasn’t felt normal in a while.

At least he feels like he’s trying to help Connor. He’s sat on his bunkbed while Evan was still in class, and they’ve talked about this vague, but ominous feeling of something terrible coming. It doesn’t help to add that it’s been raining the past week and Connor hasn’t gotten any fucking sun to even begin to combat his issues. Connor seems to be paralyzed with the ‘prophecy’ thing he’s feeling, and Jared is starting to get more than just unnerved.

Pretending not to notice Evan staring dazed most of the time for almost two weeks now is becoming harder on Jareds conscious. He has to say something. He's beginning to understand Evans tears when Jareds head checked out for a while around graduation. Connors anxiety was frightening when compared to Evans lack of reactions. It was as if the bad thing about to happen that Connor has been prophesying has something to do with Evan even though that was only Jareds speculation. It was like he was watching it all on the side lines and he had no fucking clue what was happening other than it was going to be bad.

Jared doesn’t remember how it started, other than one of those days Connor just was jittery and resigned the best he could from Jared and Evan. Evan followed him down and within days became the distant silent shell of himself that he is now. It was almost as if Evan was suffering from a reaction he had from Connor.

Still, with all of his attention of coaxing the reason behind the change out of Connor, he doesn’t seem to know where it came from. So he moves his efforts to Evan, if only because he feels as if Evans been neglected in all of this.

 

Connor goes home for the weekend. Jared hopes it helps weeds out whatever feeding the sanity out of Connor, but he’s still terrified that it’s going to do more harm than help with that family. Jared tries not to linger on it, but stays near his phone.

“It’s been a while since it’s been just us.” Jared says converationaly. He can practically see the regret in Evans eyes for not already being in his cocoon of hanging bed sheets on the bunk bed. Like always, Jared doesn’t comment on it. “Sorta like old times, you know?”

“Yeah.” Evan says the bare minimum. 

Jareds so tired of not saying anything.

“What’s up?” He says converdationaly, and prays Evan will steer the conversation that way himself.

Evan just shrugs. 

“You seem kind of dazy here recently.” Jared just decides to dive right in. “What’s going on?” He’s never been good at sounding comforting. That was always Evan or Connors forte. He doesn’t know how to help them. He never has.

Evan shrugs again, clearly not going to answer fully. At least Jared can tell Evan has a better idea where all of this is coming from. “Just tired all of a sudden. Probably all of this gloomy weather.”

Jared wants to believe that. He wants to believe that it’s the weather that has soured the tree huggers mood, but he knows better. (Trees fucking like the rain) He can’t feign blissful ignorance, because he doesn’t want to think of how much longer it will take to get Evan back. He hates missing someone in front of him.

“Evan.” Is all Jared is left to say. There is no sweet words to say because his heart is empty, and a part of him blames himself for not caring enough to have the right words. And then it dawned on him. “Are you and Connor upset with each other?”

Evan gringes at the sound of his name like he wasn’t living with him for the past several weeks. “It’s not my fault.” Is so strange to hear out of the apologetic blondes mouth. Jared can’t imagine what all had to transpire for Evan to blame someone other than himself.

“What’s not your fault?” Jared felt like he was whispering. He was so close to finding the source if he didn’t deter Evan from spilling it in the process of it.

“He’s- he doesn’t even want to try. He doesn’t want anything to change anymore. He - he doesn’t want the future.” Evan answers, and it’s what Jared knows already; Connors odd and sudden fear for the future. He doesn’t understand why Evan reacted to it this way.

“And is he blaming you? Or?” Jared is trying to figure out why. How is any of this supposed to make sense?

“Because I’m trying to change the future.” Evan states, and it’s kind of unnerving how sure he is of this statement compared to how he was answering earlier.

“How?” Jared whispers and he feels like prey under Evans gaze. It was like Evan was thinking so loud, but Jared was deaf to it. He tries to read his expression, but Evan only seems to be digging for Jareds expression before just leaning forward and planting a kiss on his lips.

It was awful timing through the rain of the weekend, but they both nearly choked at the thunder clapping the moment their lips touched. And out went the lights.

They were startled apart, but even in the dimly lit room, Jared can see the white of Evans eyes and that’s enough to keep him locked in place, because what? Evan doesn’t move either, frozen by chance and circumstance. He doesn’t know who ran back to the other, but there is warmth on his lips again.

Jared is helpless to the cold that rushes into his head as he holds Evans warm cheeks in his hands, his hair soft on Jareds fingertips. Evan stabilizes himself with a hand on Jareds thigh as he leans forward, and it was the only other sensation Jared was aware of other than just Evan.

It was strange feeling; this side of someone he’s known his entire life. By now he should be used to not knowing everything about Evan. Being surprised shouldn’t be surprising. It was if that he wasn’t exactly Evan, but then just so  _ Evan.  _

They fucking shared a crib together. They were each other's first kiss in kindergarten because the both wanted to see what the hype was. They didn’t get it then, but look at them now. Jared feels like Evan can suck his soul out and Jared would willingly let him. It felt like he was frying every cell in his brain and he will happily be a ditz for the remainder of his life if he can just keep kissing Evan.

Kissing your best friend for the first (real) time is a lot like feeling at home in a brand new house. It’s so new yet… so familiar like home.

 

He got his Evan back after that. The fogginess in that head of his had cleared and he was present. Now all they could do was feast off the adrenaline of just getting together. Cuddling over Evans laptop watching netflix with a hotspot until the lights came back on. The word boyfriend slipped past their lips more than once, and then each others tongues even more than that. All the day lead into was a lazy one being glued together with cheesy grins and stupid giggles.

Jared scrambles off the couch and out of his  _ boyfriends  _ arms to open the small mini fridge and grab the melting ice cream.

“Oh shoot, I forgot about that.” Evan sits up, excited about the prospect of getting ice cream.

“‘Oh shoot’?” Jared teases. “Don’t let Connor hear you using that kind of language.” He grins, and any excitement Evan had over the past few hours dies almost instantly like- there’s nothing Jared can come with that dies that fast. 

Jared was really hoping that things wouldn't return to the strained silence when Connor returned, their dispute or not, but seemingly only the mention will reinvoke all it’s done to them.

“Sorry- I…” Jared starts, but pauses. “Was Connor scared of the future because…” He didn’t want to be left out? He liked Evan too? “Of us?”

“Sort of?” Evan answers in a way that's easy to tell that's he's settling for an easy answer, but thinks better of it. “Not really.” 

Evan never really explains what he meant by that and Jared had an eerie feeling it just wasn't for him to know. Jared doesn’t how to push it by hiding it under humor and a light tone. He doesn’t know how to get Evan answer without him knowing he’s being pried open. After so long of being side by side, this unspeakable glass wall between the built on fear and insecurity finally gone. Still, there are parts of Evan he can not yet reach. He’s not sure if he ever will, because at this point it only feels like it can go downhill from here. He can already feel the force of reality drag him back down as his adrenaline seeps from him. 

Jared, who always inspected every kind smile for malice, has to remind himself to just let himself go in this while he can enjoy it. The broken heart will be worth not protecting.

The power comes back on when they’re surrounding a half gallon of ice cream, but they keep digging in like the ceiling fan above them hasn't started spinning. It was impressive what they would ignore. Jared knew they had habit of ignoring any warning sign, but he ignored that knowledge as well. Still, no matter how hard or how much Jared  _ needed _ to ignore the fact that Evan was ignoring something important and that it was probably going to come to a head when Connor came back.

It seemed ominous that the worst of the storm is yet to be over, for the weather and for them. Unlike the weather, Jared didn’t know what the future of the three of them held. Especially since Connor held a liking to Evan already, and Jared wouldn’t hold it past him if where the jealous type. Jared would bet money on it actually. 

Connor was sure to raise hell when he did get back, and Jared could only imagine to what extent. 

 

Like a knowing silence, Connor doesn’t text either of them. Evan is oddly feeling innocent during the silence. Not that Jared was blaming him, because Jared has yet to figure out what the hell this was about. But it was strange because any sort of silence, Evan took personal, and they both knew Connor was already upset with him. It was like that didn’t bother Evan, when usually the idea of someone holding malice towards him would tear him piece by piece.

Jared wants to just look at it as progress away from Evans illness, but it’s warped him and has turned him cold. It’s almost as if Evan just didn’t care, which Jared has never witnessed from him until now.

Jared wants nothing more than to indulge in Evan while he can, but it feels like Evan is already too far gone and he doesn’t know where he’s leaving too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ya'll ready for Connor to raise hell? :)  
> Next chapter is Part 3/4 of The Storm coming April 5th.


	25. The Storm

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Connor comes home to find the silent pact between him and Evan betrayed. It's time for Evan to come clean.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is early because I'm avoiding working on my novel at all cost

POVE

* * *

 

Connor comes home the following Monday morning. 

Jared helps him bring a painting upstairs, and they both work to hang it on the blank wall above Jareds lone bed. Connor seems...better.

“This bare spot was bothering me. It’s nothing special.” He refers to the abstract painting that is a mashup of secondary colors. It reminds Evan of graffiti art. It’s as wild as it is energetic.

“I was talking to your mom one time-” Jared starts as Connor finishes the last touch by straightening it on the wall. Evan had been watching them silently since he came home. No matter how energetic Connor was to finally be back home, the atmosphere turned cold with his presence. Or maybe Evan was getting cold feet because he knew it all was a matter of time before it all came crashing down. “She said abstract helps you blow off steam.”

Connor shrugs. “It’s hard to appreciate abstract unless you’ve made it.”

“I like it.” Evan answers honestly. He’s come to learn that abstract tends to express feelings rather than just scenes or messages. This one was lively, and was possibly made to blow off energy rather than steam. Or maybe it was just the colors that he chose that made Evan feel that this was the case.

“Well, yeah, it’s freaking cool, but are you alright?” It’s weird when Jared was this honest. He honestly expressed his liking for the painting, and he honestly expressed his worry for Connor. Even Connor was looking for some joke hidden somewhere. Then Evan is kicked once more with the realization of how open they have become with one another.

They’ve come so far and still… still they’re like this.

“Yeah, well, better now. I just needed to use my head or whatever.” Connor shrugs, but he always shrugs. There was nothing to warn Evan for what came out of his mouth next. “Me and Evan need to come clean about something though.”

Evan hadn’t realized that ‘fuck’ was an emotion. Or maybe it was a state of being considering that he is going to be absolutely fucked after this. He should probably cut to the chase and just start running now.

Jared tries to make himself relax. It was clear he had no idea about what, but he was scared of it nonetheless. Evans deer in the headlights look probably didn’t help his nerves.

“Connor, I don’t know if it would be-” Evan tries, honestly he did. Evan tried to save his own life, but he’s not actually good at doing that.

“It’s only the three of us. We can’t just keep things under wraps, Evan. You saw what it did!” Connor turns to Evan, challenging. Evan doesn’t have a real argument, but it’s not like he can express it under this stress.

“What is  _ this _ ?” Jared tries to understand. He’s been doing that more often. Evan would prefer his jokes to cover up what he doesn’t understand right about now. Anything to derail Connor from a straight line to ruining Evans life.

“Nothing will come of it. Not until we are all ready.” Connor reasures.

Evan doesn’t think he will ever be ready. His progress has flatlined, and he’ll never be good enough for either of them. He can’t be faulted for trying.

He can be faulted for hurting them.

“What is this about?” Jared is catching on, and the look he gives Evan. It wasn’t anger, but Evan almost wished it was.

He hates that he can make Jared feel used, and useless at the same time.

“Me and Evan have feelings for each other.” 

And Jared's assumptions towards himself are verified.

“What?” Jared squeaks, and Evan can’t speak.

“It’s going to be the three of us. You aren’t going anywhere, I promise.” Connor tries to reassure. He only see the uselessness on Jareds expression. Connor thinks he knows why, but he doesn’t. He really doesn’t.

Jared looks to Evan for answers, and all he has are excuses. Evan doesn’t try to save himself anymore.

“I’m- I’m sorry.” It’s all he can offer. He knows it’s nowhere good enough. “I do care about you, this doesn’t change that-”

“You used me to get back at him!” Jared screams. Jared never screams, and Evan is so sorry he can’t let his voice bother them anymore.

“You what?” Connor is breathless. His voice is a ghost of his usual sound.

Jared is already crying, but he isn’t angry at Connor. They still have each other in the end. All of Connors worry about alienating Jared, and it’s Evan that will be the odd man out. There was never really room for him anyways.

“He kissed  _ me.”  _ Jared sobs. 

Jared is soft, and red, and sobbing; falling apart in front of him. Connor has too much pride to show Evan, but he can see his inside crumbling under his hard exterior.

“We’ll be back.” Connor says coldy, lacking any sort of emotion he had been expressing since he got here. “Come on.” He says in his ‘everything's okay’ voice, and Evans heart aches for it. He wants the ‘everything's okay’ voice, and he wants Jareds long hugs because he feels like an absolute flaming garbage pile right now. He guesses he’s barely earned to sit under the green, purple, and orange painting that vaguely reminds him of them.

Jared feels safer crying in the hallway with strangers than in his home, and Evan will never forget that.

“I’m sorry.” Evan says to the empty living room.

 

(WOW POV switch in a chapter POVC)

* * *

 

 

He doesn’t know how to calm down Jared so he settles with what he knows and he speeds down country roads, kicking up miles of dust to settle the fire in his stomach. Jared sits in the passenger seat, trying to will his tears down, but only managing to choke on them.

“Let it all out. You don’t want him seeing anymore than he already has.” Connor says calmer than he had earlier. Jared places a hand on his own the steering wheel.

It’s like Jared was physically pulling heartstrings and Connor eyes were watering.

“God Dammit.” He grumbles, and he brings the hand that isn't under Jareds to rub his eyes out. He hates how watery his voice was. He hates how betrayed he feels even though he was the one to turn down Evan.

He hits the break and they come to a standstill on a silent back road. Their cloud of dust catches up with them and dies around them.

He doesn’t know when his eyes meet Jared's shoulder, but Jared holds him while he fucking sobs like a snotty nosed brat.

“Fuck.” He says because he can’t fucking voice his feelings, so all he’s left with is profanities.

“What an asshole, right?” Jared mumbles and his voice is watery too. He’s angry, and hurt, and doesn’t know how to make sense of any of it. “Hey,” Jared digs his nails into Connor hair, and maybe the world seemed a little less awful. “Thank you for like abstaining from Evan for me or whatever fucking thing you did like a goddamn nun.”

Connor laughs, wiping his nose directly onto Jareds shirt. “ Shut up.”

“Yeah, but real talk, that was some righteous shit.”

“‘Righteous’? What year is it?” Connor didn’t see the need to cry anymore.

“Shut the fuck up and just say ‘you’re welcome’ already.”  

“It’s not- I didn’t do it so selflessly.” Connor sighs. He should have told Jared this sooner. “I knew he liked you, for a long fucking while now.” All Jared can do is nod. “And don’t get me wrong, I don’t mind you guys are fucking or whatever, but it’s just…” Connor shrugs. He doesn’t know exactly what other than just fear.

“You didn’t want to be left behind, I get it.” Jared nods. He seems to have taken it easily. “And you had your chance, and made sure I didn’t get left behind. See? Selfle-”

“Oh my god, I will kick you out here if I have to.”

“Alright, alright.” Jared grins. It’s good to see him doing that again. “The feelings mutual. Seeing my two cute besties making out? Here for it.”

“Don’t be weird.”

“You made it weird talking about me and Ev fucking. Perv.”

Connor can only roll his eyes, but he feels a little more secure in all of this.

“So we’ve come to our decision?” Connor quirks an eyebrow and Jared rests an arm over the back of the bench seat. It’s cute how his red cheeks squished against the headrest.

“Yeah, but I’m mad as hell, and don’t want to give Evan the gratification of two instant boyfriends.”

“Big mood.” Jared nods along. “Ice cream first?”

 

(just one more to complete the cycle POVJ)

* * *

 

 

Connor has always had a thing for A La Mode, and Jared is pretty sure there’s more to that story he’s letting on. It’s probably a locked backstory, or just a long discussion with Cynthia over dinner away.

“Fudge sundae, extra fudge.” Connor gives his request to Jared before picking a booth tucked away in a corner. He stretches his long legs across to the other side, watching Jared stare at him with an unreada-

“Will that be all for you, sir?” The cashier brings Jared to the real world, and the look Connor has says he just realized there’s a little more to Jared staring at him.

Jared desperately hopes he doesn’t think to much into it. This evening has  _ somehow  _ managed to turn around, and Jared doesn’t want it to fall apart again.

“A-ahnd a strawberry milkshake, thanks.”

 

Connor moves his feet when Jared moves to sit on the other side of the booth, and by move, Jared means put his feet in his fucking lap.

“It’s like you have more leg than you know what to do with.” Jared states, and rest his head on his hand. He feels like he’s being freaking dissected by Connor and he’s trying very hard to stay natural.

“That’s a true statement.” Connor grins, his dry humor alive and well.

Connors control over the situation goes out the window when Jared is handed his strawberry milkshake in a tall glass. “What is that?”

“Wasn’t really feeling chocolate.” He shrugs. Connor is really digging into him when it comes to this reading thing. It’s almost physically hurting now.

“Right.”

“Are you okay?”

“They gave you two straws.” Connor states, and Jared quickly understands that as a  _ no.  _

“And?” Jared pries. It almost makes sense, like it’s on the tip of his tongue, but Connor is backtracking.

“Nothing.” Connor takes a bite of his own sundae.

“Do you want some?” Jared asks and he can almost see Connor mentally trip. “It’s not that big a deal, dude.” Jared shrugs, and it feels too much like he’s not trying to spook a deer. He doesn’t wait for Connor to answer before he unwraps the other straw and puts it in the drink. “Here.” He pushes the straw towards him, and watching Connor hesitantly take take a sip. He doesn’t think he’s ever seen Connor blush before.

And then it makes sense.

It was obvious and Jared feels like an idiot for not catching it sooner.

“Oh wait-” Jared isn't going to pass up a chance to use this to his advantage, are you kidding me? He reaches over to wipe an imaginary smudge from Connors face, and Jared wants to laugh at how hard Connor is trying to stay steady over this. “There.” And then he drops his hand and goes back to his milkshake silently.

He’s going to have to take his opportunity before he convinces himself that maybe Connor doesn’t actually like him.

He takes his chance when Connor comes in for another sip. It was smooth as hell and Jared wishes he had the whole things video taped. He moves Connors straw and meets him halfway across the table.

Connor pulls away like a frightened deer.

“Shit-shit, sorry. I totally misread that. That was totally fucked.” Jared tries to save himself, he tries to backtrack. Connor bracktracks as well.

“No, no- fuck, you scared the shit out of me. It’s all good.”

“Really?” Jared doesn't thinks he wants to hear the answer. He doesn’t trust it to be good.

“Yeah.” Connor confirms and they just freaking stare at each other. They both know yet the both of them are too cowardly to do anything about it. It’s probably the shortest and longest time he’s just sat there and stared at Connor. “Shit-” Connor grumbles, taken away from the daze they were both trapped in.

“You good?” 

“No, I’m fucking lactose intolerant.” Connor pushes his barely touched sundae away from him like an indignant child.

“Okay, are you-  _ really?”  _

“I don’t want to hear it.” Connor squints. Jared just roll his eyes with a smile. “Do you know how to drive a standard?”

“Yes, are you actually going to let me drive your  _ princess _ ?”

“ _ Really _ ?” Connor ignores the jab about how much he loves his freaking car.

“Well yeah, I taught myself because supposedly knowing how to drive a stickshift is hot, and let me tell you, it’s not; I watched you nearly run us into multiple railings over the whole two weeks it took for daddy Larry to teach you.” 

Connor blows a raspberry at him. “Never call dad that again.”

Jared laughs, standing up and caping Connors ice cream. Connor stands too, following Jared to the door blindly.

“It worked for you.” Connor says quietly and Jared almost missed what he meant by that.

Jared whistles and winks at him because he can’t be hit on without making a fool of himself apparently. “Alright smooth moves, come on. We have a boyfriend to claim.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The last part of the storm is coming April 12th and then we'll move onto CLOSETS part 1-3


	26. Under Preasure

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The last segment of The Storm!  
> Evan is caught up to speed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I file these chapters under A,B,C instead of 1,2,3 bc it stays in alphabetical order (1,11,2,23 is the biggest annoyance) and this one is the big Z!!! thought you guys might wanna know that. it's sorta a milestone here (other than the whole them finally being together)

The apartment didn’t feel like his anymore. Well, it never was  _ really  _ his, but now it was hard to know what part of it  _ was _ his anymore.

Evan has spent his fair share of time being home alone, but it doesn’t mean he’s ever gotten used to it. It doesn’t mean he doesn’t feel left behind everytime. And damn does he felt left behind now. He knows they ran from him, and he  _ really  _ was left behind this time. His usual feelings toward the situation where true now.

Evan wants to go to lay in his bed, but it’s  _ their  _ room, and no matter how many blankets Connor and Jared hang from the upper bunk bed to give Evan the separation he needed sometimes, it isn’t going to change that. He doesn’t want to go out into the hallway. He doesn’t know how far they’ve gone, but he doesn’t want to leave like a persistent stray dog.

So he lays in his bed that doesn’t smell like his old home anymore, and he tries to pretend that he’s there. With the blankets drawn, and his small room of his dark, he can pretend anything.

But he doesn’t. Not when Connors bed is above him and Jareds old blanket blocks out the light. He’s had both of them before they could even get their minds wrapped around it and Evan never gave either of them a chance to keep up. He wasn’t honest with either of them, and he hated that they had every right to be mad. He’s scared how almost two years of friendship can be ruined within months. And he’s been soiling it badly.

 

Still, he hears Jared and Connor come in. He doesn’t leave his room, and he stays out of their way. He just digs his face further into his pillow case hoping that it’ll dry his tears faster.

“You home?” Jared softly knocks on the wood of the bed frame. Evan only knocks back. He doesn’t think he’s ready speak, but he can’t hide, no matter how much he wants to. He wants to pretend he wasn’t the person that hurt them. “Can I see you?” Jared asks again after a pause. And maybe it was because even though Evan knew he was mad, he seemed worried with that. At least one of those things Evan could fix, so he pulls back part of the blanket from where he lays before Connor takes the rest from his hands and ties it back up to the bedpost like it usually is. 

Jared rests his arms on the edge of the bed and Evan feels stupid how the pressure he makes is calming. Jared seems okay, and he should be thanking Connor for doing half the job of fixing it for him.

“I’m sorry.” Evan says instead, and he sounds like a four year old no matter how much he had tried to wipe his old tears on his pillow. “I didn’t do it to hurt any- anybody.” And he was crying like a four year old too. “I just-” like both of them? And somehow had both options?

“Liked both of us, and figured out they were mutual.” Connor says from wherever he’s standing in the room. Evan can imagine his arms crossed just by his tone. Evan stays silent, and he doesn’t dispute Connors words, but he’s too embarrassed to confirm then. 

“Now, we’re both mad as hell, alright?” Jared says. “But we gotta work this out somehow, so sit up…” And Evan can see in Jareds expression that he knows Evan doesn’t believe a word he’s saying. Yeah they’re mad, and that’s all it going to be. There’s no make up or making things better. This was it, and there was no fixing it anymore.

So Jared resigns, glancing to where Connor was pacing and trying to stay out of it. For a lack of better words, Connor looked… angsty?

“I’ll gonna go grab some sodas from the vending machine downstairs. Stay here.” Jared turns to leave and it feels like Evan is being left with the executioner. It was obvious Jared wanted Connor to dispeal whatever the hell was bothering him, and he may have even thought it would be good for Evan.

So Evan sits up, tucking his hands under his thighs and watches Connor pace back and forth one more time before making dead eye contact. Evan was frozen under his gaze, and he had no idea how to read it. He had no idea what was coming for him until Connor was in his lap and his mouth was his.

It was hungry and angry.

If this was Connors new way of dispelling anger, then it was miles better than anything Evan had fallen victim to. His hands wander to Connors hips where he sat heavy on Evans lap. And it was warm in a way that Evan hopped he doesn’t make an absolute fool of himself. It’s hard to worry about that with Connors tongue in his mouth and his hand around Evans throat, forcing his chin up to meet him eagerly.

“I should-” Evan tries once Connors mouth is on his jaw. It’s hard to say anything when his pants are starting to get tight and Connor  _ really  _ is encouraging it more than ignoring it. “I should make you mad more often.” Evan copies what he’s heard on bad rom-coms and that earns him a sharp tug on his hair. Connor forces him to look him in the eye, his knuckles in tight in his hair. 

“I suggest you keep your mouth shut.” Connor says and Evan does not listen to that statement whatsoever when Connor latches onto his neck. And Evan makes an absolute fool of himself and cums in his pants with a whine.

Connor only seems encouraged by that, which, Evan guesses, could have gone a million times worse. “Good boy.” Connor mumbles, pressing a soft kiss to his cheek before standing and fucking strutting to the door, feed fully with pride. “Get cleaned up, and meet us by the vending machines.” He doesn’t seem angry anymore, which, in itself, was the easier route to fixing it. Evan knows better than rely on that, and he won't make the same mistake twice.

 

Jareds trying to juggle three cans when he gets down there, and Connor, leaning against the vending machine in a forced bad boy aura, is watching him amused. Jared is better at juggling that Evan would have guessed.

“Wow. I thought you were kidding.” Jared grins, tossing a can to Connor, grinning pridefully. There goes keeping Jared updated. He seems more than okay with it. “Here.” Jared pulls a scarf from his neck, badly holding back his laughter. “Connor fucking mauled you.” He says as his wraps the scarf around Evans neck, his breath warm and welcoming. 

Everything in the past couple days encourages Evan to just go ahead and kiss Jared because he was just  _ right there.  _ But he wasn’t sure what lines Connor and Jared drew. Connor wasn’t off limits? But he wasn’t sure what Jared was, or if they just decided on a flip of a coin or rock paper scissors who dates who?

And then Jared throws every theory Evan out when he tugs on the orange scarf around his neck and pulls Evan to his lips. It’s soft and simple, and Jared is smiling, and it makes Evans stomach flip in a completely different direction that Connor had caused earlier. “There, Lover boy.” He snorts at his own joke and walks off with Connor like nothing had happened. 

Evan knows when Connor and Jared and playing a joke. They’re both devious and usually resort to pulling each others legs, but Evans managed to get on both of their shit lists and now they’re… probably just fucking with him.

That was the only theory that doesn’t get debunked when Connor and Jared walk ahead of him, hands intertwined, as they all make their way to Connors signature black blazer.

They have each other now. Why would they need Evan? And they’re happy. Connor is actually giddy enough to laugh at Jareds bad jokes and Jareds is living for it. They’re all they’ve ever needed. There’s just no room for Evan in th-

“Ev?” They stop walking. Their smiles are gone. It was still Evans fault.

He doesn’t know why they’ve stopped to look at him until he looks at his own worn sneakers cemented to the pavement. He can’t move, he can’t follow them. He can’t be at the end of their joke, no matter how much he knows he deserves it.

They let go of each others hands, and Jared looks scared. Evans done a lot of things, but he’s never imagined Jared being scared of him. Ashamed, upset, disgusted… never scared though. Connor running at him, but his expression is not exactly soft, but scared as well. It was for him. He was running toward him like he had to protect...Jared was scared for him, frozen.

Distantly he can hear the sound of screeching tires. The car is jerking to a halt when he sees it. There’s pressure around him, there’s eyes on him. He doesn’t think he was hit, but everything seems to lean that way. His eyes are glued to the silver emblem of the front of the car, the engine warming his legs, but still not touching them.

The hand on his arm has its nails painted black.

 

There’s another hand on his other arm, and it’s warmer.

 

He doesn’t think he’s been hit, but his head is on the grass.

 

The car was long gone, so was the road.

 

The only thing there was the grass and the hands on his arms.

 

The world's a blur of different colored orbs, voices slipping in where it can, but never making sense.

The voices chanting, but to obscured to be familiar.

“-va-”

“Ev--ea”

“-!”

“Ple---an”

Two voices. So familiar he could construct them in his own head.

“-t’s--ay”

His head wasn’t in the grass anymore. He could hear another heart beat that wasn’t his.

His hand was being held to something flat, warm…

“---oing to -- kay” Soft. The voices were soft.

Welcoming to the real world. Convincing that the real world was not something to fear.

“You’re okay, take your time.”

“Come back to us, Ev.”

And the world come back into focus. The old oak trees outside their dorm rustling in the fall wind. Still, the birds chirp, taking their time before leaving for winter. Connors lips are rested on his forehead, humming a tune he doesn’t know. His longs arms cradling Evan from the dried leaves and acorns on the ground. He can hear his heartbeat. Jared blocks the sun from his face better than the tree canopy does. Evan can feel his hand shaking from where he holds Evans hand in place over his chest like a lifeline for himself. Jared head is on Connors shoulder, wrapping Evan completely between them.

“Knock knock.” Jared is the first to notice that Evan is back. His hand goes for Evans cheek. His smile is breathy and he can hear the soft chuckle to dispeal his worry. “Looks like someone's home.”

“Sorry- I didn’t mean to -”

“Don’t” Connor shifts, and Evan sits up, knowing better to continue.

Instead he allows himself to breathe, and try to let in some air when it feels his body had tried to compress on itself. He doesn’t know how long the windchimes had been in the trees or where they were exactly. There’s something magical about hearing windchimes that you can’t see; like they are part of the background music. 

Evan would want no more than to become mulch under the sound of windchimes and leaves rustling. The feeling of slowly losing himself and his way to this awful world and just.... Not being. No more questions and no more heartbreak. Just wind chimes and wind; his skeleton slowly becoming ingrained in the root system.

“What happened back there?” Jared speaks up from beside him, and he’s not mulch and he’s still a part of this world that can’t seem to pause for just a  _ second.  _ He doesn’t think he can keep up anymore. He doesn’t want to keep running anymore.

“I-” He didn’t want to become involved in their games, but… now he doesn’t think of it as a game anymore. Just a miscommunication probably. Evan had already been handed another problem anyways. “I don’t know.” Evan finds himself saying because it’s easier than being honest. “I guess it’s just a little hot out.” He shrugs.

He can feel Connors glare on his shoulder. Evans eyes are glued to the grass in front of him. He can’t face him. Connors learned to put his word to use. Connors learned how to help others help him. He was the one that lead the progress, digging into Evan and Jared.

He had only managed to get Evan so far, but this is as far as he gets. Evan has flatlined. This is as healed as Evan will get.

“Connor-” Jared tries to extinguish the look Connor has; dissecting Evan for all he’s said or done. Digging relentlessly for answers.

“You don’t have to talk now, but don’t lie to us.” Connor retreats, but Evan doesn’t feel as though he’s off the hook.

 

Connor drives back to their hometown, and Evan sits in the back. Evan seems to have entered a war of cold shoulders with Connor.

“I thought you- I thought you guys were just messing with me- to get me back.” Evan says with no intention on explaining, but it’s his only ticket to normalcy.

“Not like that- we were hurt, but-” Connor tightens and loosens his grip on the wheel. He always stares at the road when he struggles to find the right words.

“We didn’t exactly let you in on this whole  _ idea  _ me and Conn had,” Jared grimaces, like it’s a thought he’s just realizing was a little more relevant. “Which is kinda fucked since you’re kinda part of it.” Jareds expression could only be described as ‘oops’. 

POVE

* * *

 

“Fair point.” Connor gives, his eyes still dead ahead.

“Whats- what are you talking about?” Evan really hoped Jared would come on out with it. He doesn’t think he wants to know, but he’s trapped in this car and Jared is dangling hints in front of him like vague threats.

“Me and Connie-”

“Don’t call me that.” Connor interrupts, but Jared seems unfazed.

“- have goo-goo eyes for each other.”

“Please shut the fuck up.” Connor grumbles under his breath, but makes no move to actually stop Jared from talking. Their usual distaste for each other gives this whole thing some normalcy to it. 

“And what do you know, we both agree that Mr. Hansen is pretty cute to, and we want fair share.”

“Why can’t you say anything normally?” Connor inputs where he usually laughs at Jareds odd, almost uncomfortable jokes, but he has to burn of his anxious energy somehow.

“This isn’t the bachelor, you know. We don’t have to pick one pretty boy!” Jared says it like some revelation, but Evan is slow to catch on.

“He’s talking about all three of us dating.” Connor clarifies irritably, but Evan doesn't miss how he keeps tightening his grip on the steering wheel only to loosen it like a nervous tick.

“Oh…”

“What do you say?” Jared offers like some sort of business deal. “You in?”

“Y-yeah?”

And Jared grins, patting Connors shoulder when it’s slowly losing tension. 

“Breathe, Murphy. It’s all good.”

“Don’t patronize me, asshole.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Stay tuned for April 19th for : To Mother and Father for our two part closet segment :)) some good (and bad) parent time is coming at ya


	27. To Mother and Father

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Maybe it's time for the boys to come clean about a few things. There is nothing to be ashamed about when it comes to who you are, and sometimes that lesson is harder to learn than most would think.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So originally I wasn't planning on anyone coming out. It was more of a 'boys move out and they live their own lives' kind of thing, but hey, I watched 'Love, Simon' and it kinda refreshed a lot of things I experienced coming out? This part was more of a feel good thing, this was what I wanted to hear coming out (understandably I have a very christian dad so none of this smiling happy stuff happened). So while this unfortunately may not be relatable to some of you guys, this is meant to cheer you up. There are so many people rooting for you, and just because mom or dad has something to say about who you are, that doesn't mean you are not loved.  
> This is for all the kids who had a right every right to be scared coming out. I love ya'll.

POVC

* * *

 

Connor felt like a fucking idiot. To be fair, it was a near constant state of being for him, but after it all, he should be happy. He should be, and a part of him was, and he was fucking scared of that. Jared accepted it all with open arms; he saw his chance and grabbed Connor and Evan the first solid chance he had. Evan needed a little reassuring, but for now, he believes this isn't part of a conspiracy to get back at him.

Connor just wasn’t sure if all of this would last. He wasn’t sure if he was supposed to be a part of this or if this is Evan and Jareds future that he is impeding on.

He knows they care for him, he knows he’s welcomed, but that doesn’t change how it all is going to turn out in the end. They’re all prone to tragedy, and it’s been too good for too long. Jared hasn’t been tearing either of them down in an effort to make himself feel better, Evan has been able to hold his head up in the halls, and Connor isn’t sure if it’s really progress if he’s paranoid it’ll all be taken away.

It’s how they grew; on top of each other. Evan grew with confidence, making it harder fr Jared to find footholds to uplift himself in the way he had been doing. Jared has stopped using others as emotional step stools and Connor stopped looking for jabs in his words and in others. They grew better together, but they will also drag each other down.

The feeling of oncoming destruction didn’t go away with the surfacing of their shared feelings. It didn’t go away through their arguments, and ruptured hearts. It didn’t go away when they healed back together.

The feeling of Evan leaning against his side on the old worn couch of the Hansen house is a simple reminder that nothing has really changed over the year, and everything has changed over the past two years. But it’s only gotten better, like it’s building up to some unseen rupturing point.

He blinks at the TV screen in front of him, it’s advertising upcoming Autumn specials. He holds onto the idea that there's no point ahead. Things like that come with no warning. ‘It’s the days that start out normal that end the worst.’ is what Evans told him. In a bizarre way, that’s comforting. The buildup is to nothing, but all in Connors head. It’s all his own doing.

New Years is coming, and then spring, and then they’ll be able to get out of that tiny dorm with only a mini fridge and a microwave. It only gets better from here.

“What are you thinking about?” Evan softly whispers next to him. The program is past the commercials, but neither of them are paying attention.

“Stupid shit.” He says back because he doesn’t know how to say he’s figured out that he can’t actually feel bad events coming casually.

“We do stupid.” Jared, the apparent eavesdropper, speaks up from behind the couch with a bowl full of warm popcorn.

“Yeah…” Connor says in a way to only buy him time. They don’t hide these kinds of things from each other, but he needed time to word it. Every time one of the things happen, there’s comfort instantly, as they all try to nurse the hurt out.

But it gets exhausting nursing every problem out of himself. Sometimes he just wanted to understand what was wrong before he gave the others the capability to take it away. He wanted to have it long enough to learn from it, but he knows better.

Deep down he knows there’s nothing to learn. He knows that part of it is him wanting to hold onto what's his even if it hurts like worsening a condition will get revenge on something he isn't sure yet. The want to hold onto it is fueled by a grudge, but he doesn’t know to what. It’s just the feeling of needing to get back at  _ something.  _

“Stupid foreboding feelings again.” He says anyways. He gives it up.

“About anything in particular or?” Evan replies, this is his area of expertise afterall. Connor has had his paranoia, but the feeling of things crashing in and falling apart when they really where okay is something Evan lived with. Evan had learned how to get through it, he learned from it. Evan had suffered from something that pushed past open door after open door, and Connor just… was still struggling with not putting their problems on a scale to be rating against each other.

“Just the feeling- it’s vague.” Connor shrugs, feeling Jared sit beside him, his hand already squeezing Connors knee is a silent attempt at comfort. It’s real. Just as real as Evan struggling not to say sorry as a response to that.

“We’ll just take it day by day. We’ll do it together.” Evan says instead, and Connor holds onto that. He knows better than to expect promises from them; the world is crazy and the future can hold anything and they control none of it. Expecting a promise from them just isn’t fair. But he lets himself believe it for now. For now it’s enough.

He sinks in his seat so Evan sits taller than him, and he uses his shoulder to rest his head on him. Jared leans on Connors other side. It’s hard to acknowledge that they were dating when everything was still the same. The hand holding, the cuddling, the knowing smile across the room. The only difference was those actions were more confident and those actions said more.

Connor is more than willing to be sandwiched between Evan, who was already dozing off, and Jared, who was invested in the show. It makes it easier to ignore the feeling of the oncoming troubles, making it seem like only a challenge. That’s all it was; another chapter in his life, another challenge. 

 

Heidi is surprised to find them all piled up on her living room couch when she gets home later that night.

Connor remembers their late nights at the Hansen house where Evan would always be out by ten and Connor and Jared would have a staring contest until one of them fell asleep. Heidi would sneak in, coming home late from work and trying not to wake anyone.  She would never wake Evan to say goodnight, just check on him and let him rest. If she woke him every time she got home late Evan would never get any sleep. Heidi would just smile at Connor as a silent greeting and left the three boys in various stages of slumber.

Now is different. She hasn’t seen Evan in a while and it’s worth waking him up over.

Evan smiles with a half awake grin.

He greets his mother in a worn tired voice, and Connor tries not to think too much about that. Not in front of Evans fucking mom.

Evan hugs his mom shamelessly in front of them, and Connor really starts to think on how they grew up different. He remembers how excited Evan was to spend time with his mother, and that Connor and Jared saw it as good news. There’s no ‘mama’s boy’ jokes. Just like when Connor started to go to therapy with his dad. 

Maybe it was because they started to prioritize different things than kids their age, or maybe the had just became shameless with each other.

“I got some news.” Evan says and it’s so much in a ‘Mom, I’m gay’ voice, that Connor wonders if Heidi had already figured it out by just those four words. Connor begins to wonder if the oncoming doom would have something to do with the fact that Connor would probably need to tell his own parents something similar to what Evan is doing now.

“What is it, honey?” She sits next to Evan, her hand already on her shoulder like she knows already. It’s a tender moment between mother and son, and Connor feels like he’s trespassing yet he knows he’s welcome. It’s a compromising feeling.

“I-” Evan starts and they all can see the crossroads; whether or not to voice his sexuality or claim Jared or Connor as his significant others. It’s probably a lot to open up the can of polyamorous on the first confession. “I’m dating-” It’s either Jared or Connor and h feels like he’s on the fucking bachelor. “Jared” oh. “And Connor”  _ oh.  _

Connors not sure if he would have rathered Evan to just have said Jared. It would have been easier to just lose the not-really favorites game. It wouldn’t have caused the awkward silence as that fucking hung in the air and Heidi looked between Jared and Connor. Connor tries to be strong because he wasn't the one coming out and this wasn’t his mother no matter how much Heidi felt like a second mother.

Connor squeezes Evans hand, but he still can’t face Heidi's eyes.

“And you’re all… okay with it?” She says and it’s so hard to get her opinion from just that little tone.

“Yes, ma’am.” Jared squeaks and it’s obvious he’s just as terrified as Connor is. He can’t imagine the alarms going off in Evans head. Connor can only nod.

And then she smiles, and time seemed to pose less of a threat. Evan lets out a breathe he had been holding and smiles like he remembered the world wasn’t always leading to something awful. Things go back to normal, but it’s better this time. It’s like things are little more available, if that made any sense.

For once in a while, it felt like this world was theirs.

“Oh! My boys!” She smiles so wide, her hands on Evan cheeks and her eyes on the other two.

Now the feeling of doom is gone for now; faded as if it were never there, but he feels better. He can feel it’s absence and the freeing feeling that it brings. He will be okay, this way. The storm has dissipated and is gone. He’s been on this couch weeks after he tried to do something he’s come to regret. And now? It’s only been a year and things have grown.

He had been terrified of how he’d be able to even begin to make right of all he’s done. Somehow, through it all he’s managed to be happy. Nothing he’s been terrified of has been that awful when he finally faced it. He lived and things actually grew better.

And he can do it again; he can come out to his parents and grow from it.

 

“Where are you going?” He’s asked on his way out the door. He doesn't want to take this away from Evan. This was his day and his mother was already making dinner plans to celebrate. Connor should be back in time.

“I need to talk to my mom real quick, I’ll be right back.” Connor reasures without giving himself up. He rests his hand on Jared's shoulder. Evan is to busy trying to stop his mom from going overboard with this. She’s sure to let her son know she doesn’t have the slightest problem with it, and even if it does seem to be crazy and overdone, Evan, deep down, probably appreciates it.

“Okay, the dinners at six. Have a nice talk.” Jared waves his goodbye as Connor leaves the welcoming aura of the Hansen house. It’s always been like that, and Connor is almost sure it’s the understanding and support he gets from Heidi that makes the house feel like a safe place.

His own home doesn’t have the same safe place feeling; just nostalgia in the floorboards and past arguments in the walls. It remembers what he once was and what he can become. It’s seen it all, yet it doesn’t judge.

He doesn’t knock, he’s seen the front door to many times for him to even think of knocking. “I’m home!” He announces to the building. His mother is in the kitchen, making a concoction and calling it dinner. His father is organizing papers in his office; he can hear the ancient filing cabinet slam shut. Zoe is upstairs practicing her guitar no matter how much she said she hated it. It’s like he walked into the past and he honestly expected to be yelled out for some unseen thing he did he never expected to catch up to him.

“Welcome home!” His mom is the first to get to him, and she is all smiles. She doesn’t hesitate to pull him into a hug. She isn’t scared to touch her son anymore. “I missed you” She squeezes him, and it’s not nostalgic because it hasn’t happened since his unreliable child memory. It feels like a safe place.

“I missed you too.” And he means it. He doesn’t act like the embarrassed teen that he once was; he hugs his mom back.

“What do you want for dinner? I can make your favorite.” She promises with a smile. Connor doesn’t think he wants to experience his childhood delight twisted into fitting into his mom's new diet.

“I actually have to have a celebratory dinner with Evans family.” He admits.

“Celebratory?” She smiles, already proud of him.

“I actually have something to talk to you about.” Connor decides to do one family member at a time. Zoe already knew so he was already one for three. He can tell his mom and gain the courage to tell his dad. Baby steps.

She must have heard Connors hesitance because she takes his hand and guides him to the couch. “What is it, honey?” She squeezes his hand, her expresion saying that he could tell her anything. She’s always told him it was always okay to talk to her about anything, but Connor was finally trying to make himself believe that.

He should have told her that day at the supermarket. The day she tried to guess his crushes with girl names.

“You know back on Valentines day you were trying to get me to tell you who I liked?” He starts. She nods, but for once stays quiet, giving him room to speak. “I’m gay, mom.” He says and nothing more. There is nothing else to say if this is as far as he’s going to get.

She squeezes his hand, and smiles. They’re where tears in her eyes. “Thank you for telling me.” He can hear the water in her voice. His throat feels dry. She wraps her arms around him one more time and it was as if the stress Connor had been ignoring finally dissolved their way into tears. He smiles even though his face was wet. “My brave boy.” She says and Connor grabs the back of her shirt. It’s okay, and he tries to make himself believe that. “I love you.” And Connor believed that.

“I-” He pulls away with the need to say more. He needed to say more. She wipes his tears away with her thumb and it was like he was twelve and still a mama's boy.

“Who was it?” She asks softly.

“Evan...but-” He needs to say it. She runs his fingers through his hair. She’s always liked his hair. “I like Evan and Jared. We’re all-”

“Tell me, it’s okay, really.” 

“We’re all together now. The three of us.” Connor mumbles.

“Are you all happy?” She asks and he knows this is one of those mom lessing just by the way she says it.

“Yes.”

“Then that’s all that matters.” She holds his cheek and her smile is wide. She’s proud and she doesn’t have to say it for Connor to know it. “Remember that. What anybody else says does not matter.” And Connor will remember that. “Now, do you want to tell Larry and Zoe?” She asks like it wouldn’t lead to any unforeseen consequences. He wishes he could feel that naive.

 

He walks to Larry's office, holding his breath. It’s been a while since he cared what the man felt about him. It’s been awhile since he felt the need to walk on eggshells around him. Things were healing between them, but Connor wasn’t sure if this was about to change all of that.

“What’s going on?” Larry leans back in his chair offering for Connor to take a seat. Connor never does, he hates feeling like a customer every time. 

“What do you mean?” Connor is already getting defensive. He’s already acting as if the train wreck has already begun.

“You look like you have a lot on your mind. Need to talk about anything?” He sounds like he cares. Connors had heard this man angry for so long it’s strange hearing the other half of it. He’s still expecting the degrading tone; the judgment. He’s been trained to expect it. For so long Larry wasn’t his dad, he was his judge. Things have changed, and he’s learning to be a dad like Connor is learning to be a son, but he can’t help but try to hold a grudge.

“First off, before I begin; I’m set in this. I’m happy, and I don’t want you to change my mind.” Connor states in a cold tone and for some unperceived reason, his dad  _ smiles.  _

“Who’s the lucky boy?” And he looks like he’s proud. No train wreck in sight. Connor feels almost obligated to make his own scene with how much he was dreading this.

“What?” He’s only breathless.

“Son, don’t get me wrong, and please… stop me if I’m wrong, but you’ve never really were interested in girls during school. The world is shitty and I wasn’t really around to help you find who you where so you didn’t have any high school romances, and I’m so so sorry for that, but I’m proud you found you despite me.” He’s happy. He’s proud. It’s believable, and Connor doesn’t understand. Larry wasn’t supposed to be on his side. Larry wasn’t ever supposed to be on his side.

“You’re supposed to be angry…” Connor mumbles. 

“Connor, I know I don’t say it much, but I do love you; all of you.” He stands and meets Connor eye. Connors lungs feel so full he doesnt think he can take it.

“I have two boyfriends.” Connor spits, looking for anything to turn him against Connor.

“How exactly is- you’re not cheating on those boys are you?” And Larry is taken aback. 

“We’re  _ all  _ together. Like the three of us.” Connor explains and he feels the oncoming train wreck dissipate.

“If I find out you’re cheati-” He warns.

“I’m not.” Connor cuts him off. He doesn’t humor the idea.

“Is that that- Oh, Zoe explained it to me once-”

“Polyamory, dad.” Connor explains.

“Yes, exactly.”

“Yes.” Connor looks for any negative opinion, but he can’t seem to find one.

“You take care of those boys, you understand me?” And sometimes Larry can be a dad.

“Yeah, yeah, I got it.” Connor shoves his hands in his pockets. “It’s Evan and Jared, by the way.” He shrugs.

“They’ll be good for you.” Larry smiles like he meant it. Connor believed it even before Larry had even said it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow this is early! Yeah, I went to go see Love, Simon a second time and feel down the stairs :/ so I'm stuck in bed doing nothing but typing for about a week? It's a very boring thing to do. (Last time I almost broke my foot, It gave me experience and inspiration to almost break Connors foot? Ya'll remember that? it feel like a lifetime ago, wow. But almost breaking your foot a second time? This is just getting monotonous.)  
> So in honor of my shitty balance and hurtful stairs, you are still getting an update April 19th! for Jareds hesitance of coming out. It's called 'Jared in the Bathroom' so go ahead and work up a grudge for me. It'll be worth it.


	28. Jared In The Bathroom

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sometime coming out isn't suitable for everyone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please note that this is more of a vent chapter on my part in my experiences with my parents, so while I do feel uncomfortable changing Jared's character structure, I was worried I would completely botch the Jewish beliefs and traditions (and google really didn't give me much to go on), but I really wanted to cover the feeling of being rejected because of religion (and it's seen most in christian families.) so I moved it closer to my personal experience.  
> i've seen over and over where one of the boys don't get accepted, but it never went over how it felt? Which is kinda of the worst part over getting kicked out or yelled at or whatever they make happen. So I wanted to focus solely on that.

POVJ

* * *

 

Zoe drops Connor off back at the Hansen house. Jared looks out a window when he hears the car pull up into the driveway. Hearing being the loud base and the Murphy sibling singing along to whatever the hell they were jamming to. He nudges Evan and they both watch the two finish the song to completion, air guitars and all.

Connor lean over to his sister like he was going to whisper in her ear, but ends up licking her cheek instead. Zoe screams and shoves Connor out of the car. Connor laughing, waves goodbye and heads to the door, unaware that they were watching them. Zoe catches their eyes and smiles in greeting before winking knowingly.

Evan scrambles from the window and pretends he didn’t see a damn thing.

“Ev?” Jared says as he watches Zoe back up and pull away. “I think Connor came out to his fam.”

 

“So how did it go?” Evan asks from the comfort of his old childhood bed. Connor swivels in the desk chair and Jared lays on the foot of the bed. It’s strange how they have their own designated place in Evans room and it doesn’t feel like they’ve been away for months at a college campus.

“Pretty good. A bunch of sobby shit.” He shrugs, but he seemed lighter; happier. 

Jared tries not to be jealous. He tries to be happy for them, and he is, but he wants a little of that happiness for himself. He wants to go home and tell his dad the good news too, but he’s sat through plenty of rants and preachers sermons that he knew it would be a bad idea. There was in no way that it was going to end well.

It just wasn’t something he was ever going to do.

He was never going to know what it’s like. 

The relief.

The knowing your parent fully accepts you.

Fully loves you.

Always proud.

“Jared?”

His skin felt cold.

“I- I need a minute.” He stands; he doesn’t know if Evan or Connor are still in the room. He doesn’t remember them leaving, but he feels alone.

His dad would never like the man he’s become.

He walks to the bathroom, but everything felt flat like it was all a simulation.

He won’t like the language he uses.

Not his humor.

Not Evan.

Not Connor.

Not his own son.

No one would. Not his mother or all of the family members he didn’t care about.

He grew up on tales he no longer believed, but even in those tales, he was no longer loved by some fucking dude in the sky just because he was head over heels for Evan and Connor.

The tales he’s heard so long about wasn’t for him anymore, no gold lined roads or paradise.

He’s pretended that he believed, if only to put his dads mind at rest. He went to church services, daming him to hell. He’s sat at church bake sales listening to old ladies discuss the legalization of gay marriage and it sucked the feeling of freedom it gave him, drop by drop.

His mother blamed his insecurity on his connection with god. His father blamed Evans anxiety on his religion like being jewish is apparently so awful. He’s so sure to stay in the same room with Evan and his dad to make sure he never voiced that to Evans face. He’s only heard of backhanded concerns about Connor, hoping he sees the light like more rules is what Connor needs.

Jared still pretended to just to avoid his father's disappointment.

He’s been told he’s going to hell for skipping out on sundays service in favor of going to Evans house. Still, he’s grinned and beared it.

Home gives him a false sense of security. In all it’s memories and nostalgia, it’s not truely for him. He doesn’t truly fit; not as himself anyways. Heavens been so ingrained in his childhood fairytales, and even though he doesn’t believe in the idea, it’s more than a little disheartening to know that it wasn’t for him without losing himself.

Evan could come out to his mother, and she was proud and happy, and excited. Connor could come out, his whole family knowing and his whole family supporting him. None of that was meant for Jared. A happy coming out story was never something he could have.

So he looks himself in the mirror and wonders how the hell he was placed here. Maybe he wasn’t meant to have his family. A part of dad he did want. He fucking loved his dad despite all this shit, and it wasn’t fair. Maybe his family wasn’t meant to have him, maybe he was supposed to be the straight christian picture boy his family wanted. Maybe he just fucked up somewhere along the way. He wasn’t sure who was supposed to be anymore.

He splashes water into his face and at least it manages to mask where his tears where.

He stares at the old fake porcelain of the sink. He stares at his chubby fingers. He’s been in this bathroom since he was a kid, and now it feels like a happier place than he had any right of being in. He adored Connor and Evan. He would go to the ends of the earth for either of those assholes, but at the end of the day was he ever really meant to? Was he meant to love them? Two is company and three is a crowd.

Connor was meant to be a part of it; his family accepted him, and they learned to grow from the cookie cutter toxic family they where. Evan was meant to be part of it, his mother was proud of his self discovery. They could be open about it all. They could be happy without worrying about what their family thinks and they didn’t have to hide each other from them.

They couldn’t smile the way they did around Jared's father. They had to stay under the guise of just friends. They could never be who they really were around him. They could never really be honestly happy around Jareds family, and why would they want to put up with that?

This wasn’t meant for Jared; not truely.

“Jared?” He can hear Evans muffled voice behind the door.

“I’m taking a dump, Ev. What do you need?” He lies through his teeth in a tone guaranteed to knock Evan off his trail. He feels shitty enough as it is, might as fucking well use Evans shortcomings against him. He’s only ever been good at being an asshole.

“O-oh sorry.” Evan says unsure and it’s been so long since he sounded that scared to say anything back that Jared only hates himself more for stirring it out of him. He doesn’t think Evan believes him and Jared knows that will only serve to hurt him. It was easier when Evan didn’t lay his heart out for him where Jared would come stomping through with the intent to find anything to stomp on to make himself feel better.

It was easier when Evan wouldn’t let Jared know him.

Evan wasn’t safe around him and now he wasn’t even protecting himself because he trusted Jared.

“I’m sorry.” Evan says again through the door. Jared doesn’t think he wants to know why. He doesn’t want Evan to know why.

“You usually are.” Jared says again, starring himself down in the mirror.

“Don’t do this Jared.” He can practically hear Evan beg. “Let me in.” He can’t. 

“Leave me alone.” Jared says back because he can’t stomp around when he’s already down. There’s no step up and he’s already rock bottom.

“Ja-”

“Leave me alone!” He slams his hands against the door, knowing full well it’ll scare Evan off the door. It’s loud enough to alert everyone in the house, and he knows all he’ll ever be to them is an asshole.

Evan walks away slowly and silence takes his place.

 

For a long while the house is silent and the familiar atmosphere it once held is judging every labored breath he has. It feels as if the walls could stare, and they loom in their angry white height over him. Watching. Judging. Hating.

Jared is no longer welcome here. 

The residents of this home walk down the hallway and collect at the bathroom door like a jury already chosen their punishment. 

There’s a soft knock on the door, not matching the anger Jared was projecting onto them. “Jared, honey?” Heidi softly speaks, tentatively. Evans mom was always soft in everything she did. He heart was in everything she did and it wasn’t safe here. “I’m coming in.” And she does.

The door feels as though it lets in the enemy, but it’s just Heidi. She smiles and it’s somehow reassuring.

“This dinner is for you too.” She says, and Jared doesn’t know how she knows. “This isn’t about your dad and how he doesn’t understand. This is about you, and Evan, and Connor.” She holds tight to Jareds hands. He thinks they’re shaking. “You get to be happy about this, Jared. It’s not your fault he doesn’t understand. We’ll be here for you. You’re like a son to me and I’ll be damned if my boy didn’t feel like he was who he was meant to be.” She smiles, her eyes watery, proud. She was proud of all of them. She was proud of Jared.

“I can’t tell him.” Jared sobs, and Heidi wraps him up in her arms. The feeling of everything going wrong was slowly seeping from his bones.

“You don’t have to. It’s okay.” She squeezes him. “It’s okay. You’re okay.”

“I’m okay.” He wipes the tears away the best he could. He composes himself and it feels a lot like he’s becoming himself again.

She squeezes his arm reassuringly and Jared believes his own words. He’s okay. “That’s my boy. You know how I said we’ll be here for you?” She asks.

“Yeah?”

“We mean it, anything you need.” And Jared believes her. He nods his head. “And also your boyfriends are waiting in the hallway because they’re worried about you. They want to be there for you, okay? All you have to do is talk to them.” It doesn’t sound as difficult when she says it.

 

She was right. Connor and Evan where sitting on the floor in the hallway pretty close to where Jared tackled Connor last winter; from the last time Jared had tried to push them away. They look up worried, and they do little to refrain himself from standing immediately when they see him.

“Hey.” Connor says in a tone that asks ten million questions in itself. They don’t look scared of him like Jared could hurt them. The trusted Jared; not because they believed he was harmless, it was because they knew he could and they trusted him not to.

“I’m sorry.” He looks to Evan, who was still avoiding saying anything to set him off again. He feels guilty with who he had become, but it was still something he could leave behind. He didn’t have to be the person he hated.

Connor nudges Evan before he can say ‘It’s okay’ because it wasn’t. Just because Jared had a reason doesn’t mean he had an excuse. He had hurt Evan and that was his responsibility.

“I forgive you.” Evan says instead, looking uncomfortable holding anyone to any sort of standards. With the way Evan felt towards himself, there was no point in apologising over damaged goods that where already damaged, and Jared understood, but that didn’t mean Evan was right in his mindset. Evan didn’t see him getting himself hurt as a big deal and nothing worth apologizing over. It made Jared want to apologize ten times over.

“Do you want to talk about it?” Connor asks softly and it’s so unlike him.

“Not right now.” Jared knows what Heidi said, and he knows he needs to lay it out so they know where the land mines sat when it came to each other's feelings. “Tonights for celebrating, right?” They could talk later. They can focus on being happy now.

They smile, Evans squeezing Connors hand in his comfortable silence. “Let’s go eat our feelings then.” Connor says like a joke, but they all knew the truth. They would good at hiding it, but not from each other. Jared guesses it was better that way.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter notes are right up top
> 
> Next update is coming at ya April 29th! Chapter 29: One Way Or Another, where Evan finds the perfect way to work everything out at once.


	29. Personal

I'm sure ya'll hate Author chapters as much as I do, but since this kinda has to do with how I'm going to be able to post these chapters and have time to work on it and my family is getting kinda desperate? So I apologize ahead of time, and this will only be the kind of author chapter I'm ever going to do.

 

I'm about to be homeless.

Which kinda sucks like a lot? And obviously I wont be able to post away from my computer (but I'm sure as hell gonna try).

We're stuck waiting on a house loan because we need to make a pretty hefty deposit and we've taken to [gofundme](https://www.gofundme.com/manage/homeforthetillerys) for some help. I'm not expecting a lot, or anything really, but if you really like my work or have a few extra dollars, i would really appreciate if you send something my way.

Or if you want something out of it I could maybe write ya'll some shorts (for whatever you want, you name it) for some money? I would probably want 500 words per 10 bucks or somthn.

I don't know. Im stessed as hell. Haha, but check it out. You can see my face on the thing.

https://www.gofundme.com/manage/homeforthetillerys


	30. POV-E/ One Way or Another

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Let's NOT cross the road with an 18- wheeler

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wow! I'm late. Things have been crazy, but I'm staying with my boss rn so for I'll be able to keep up my posting schedual for a while.   
> Anything you guys can help to get me my own place would be fantastic!   
> www.gofundme/homeforthetillerys.com

Things were supposed to be happier, but it seemed when Evan woke up that day the idea of being happy was sand in his grasp: there but annoyingly faltering. Yet Connor woke Jared by blowing a raspberry into his stomach, the latter retaliated by trying to give the taller a noogie, with rough hands destined for revenge, they were still smiling. They were happy.

It was as though they were a glass between them; Evan can see them, but he wasn’t a part of the atmosphere where they resided. They couldn’t see him; either too caught up in their own joys or because of the glass. Normally seeing something like this would make me smile. He liked watching their play fights, but he couldn’t feel the same swell in his chest anymore: like it had gotten caught somewhere on it’s way to him. It felt as though he wasn’t really there. They were missing from him. And them, him and yet they hadn’t realised it soon enough.

The feeling of separation didn’t change as Connor moved to where Evan was hiding under blankets and pretending to be sleeping. He doesn’t wake Evan with the same rigor as if he knows that Evan is made of glass and even the most carefree and fun of actions will serve to break him. Evan is only a killjoy, and he can see it when they wish Evan could learn to be a little more care free, it stains their eyes more often than not.

Connor leans down to the lower bunk, having to kneel because of his long legs. He runs a hand over the sandy blond hair peeking up over the covers, unknowing to all the turmoil. It feels as though a stranger is touching him, but he doesn’t voice it. He doesn’t want it to be obvious. Evan is enough work as it is, they don’t need to know that he’s somehow managed to take a few steps back.

“Good morning starshine.” Connor says in a goofy voice like he always does when Evan finally faces him. “The earth say hello!” It’s just weird and bizarre enough to make Evan laugh ever time he did it except for now. Now Evan can only smile, and its ghost of a feeling to that of what it once was. He feels as though he’s lying, but it’s easier than voicing anything.

Evan doesn’t think he has the energy to greet him back. He isn’t sure if it will reach Connor with how thick the glass pane has gotten. He’s sure it’s the same feeling of being alone; it’s just having Connor beside him makes it all the more obvious.

He’s heard stories of people randomly combusting into flames, but he wishes he could fall apart into sand or sea or something a little less extreme. He just wanted to simply become nothing, and it didn’t feel like a lot to ask.

He’s been pining after Connor and after Jared, but now that he’s gotten them, what else was there for him to do? He had convinced himself that he would have to be better to win either of them over, but he’s still the same screwed up person he was at the start. He was supposed to be better by now. He  _ was  _ better, but somehow his progress was just another thing he made up in his head and the truth had managed to catch up to him once again.

“What’s wrong?” Connor picks up the obvious, he couldn’t see the window pane at all, only the shift in reality. Evan wonders what version of himself is viewable through it.

He can hear Jared sit up, trying to get a look over Connors shoulder. He looks for tears or any sign of just how bad it is, but he stays back. He doesn’t try to crowd the situation further, but his eyes are still there, watching.

Evan wants to tell him. He can feel the pull to. He wants to say that he feels trapped in a clear box and that no one can reach him and vice versa. He wants to say that not being human sounds freeing. He doesn’t know where he wants to go, but here is just too much for him right now. Everything is just too much right now.

“I think I’m coming down with something.” Evan forms instead because he’s a coward that won't let them know because he’s already taken enough time and effort from them. He refuses to make them cry or feel guilty. Like he has before, he will learn how to hide it and fake recovery. Because that's what cowards do.

“I’ll take notes for you, kay?” and he kisses Evans forehead goodbye. At least for once, it felt like Connor, serving to make the guilt in his lungs sting harder. Normally when Evan was sick he’d lay and wallow because, how are things going to make sense when he comes back? It’s an hour long class filled with subjects. Will he miss a test or a whole subject? Connor comforts with the idea of him keeping Evan up to date. It shows that he understands, but he doesn’t, not this time.

“I can play nurse.” Jared jokes, insinuating something else, but Evan only curls into his blankets where Connor had pulled him from. It’s strange seeing them so like themselves and then there is Evan. It all seems fake or like a rerun episode. Connor and Jared are the same, with their weird jokes and play fights, but Evan wasn’t who he was anymore. He didn’t fit in the equation the way he did in earlier episodes. It feels as if happiness didn’t fight on him, and with no footholds to hold onto, it feel away, revealing the sour void inside of Evan.

“Come drop me off so you can get Ev some soup or something.” Connor stated, pulling the blanket from Jared, tossing him his jacket in its place. 

“I will return to fight the plague, dear patient.” Jared’s tongue formed a bad accent. It doesn’t feel like he was actually talking to Evan, bouncing of the glass in front of him. Still, Evan knows the theatrics are meant to cheer him up, but when they dig into him looking for smiles, all it does is gouge into Evan and turn up empty handed. There is nothing they are looking for  inside him anymore.

And then they leave. The small dorm is silent in its judgement, angry at Evan for trespassing onto what was clearly meant for only Connor and Jared. They left Evan in the hands of judgement and in the silence of his brain, and even though they left in favor of him, they still left him regardless. 

Evan does what he can only do, oll over and clicks the side button of his phone. The blue light is bright and he squints, but he lets the light burn. He scrolls through pages of wikipedia, looking for something that will feel his head with more than just his longing to not be whole anymore. Still the thoughts overtake everything. The idea of just somehow dying laying here.

Jared would think he was asleep at first, and he’d warm up some sort of soup. Jared would be slow to realize, but the moment he knew he had spent a good part of an hour in the same room as Evans corpse- it’d scare Jared. He’d blame himself for his unforeseen insensitive plague joke. He’d call Connor, looking for an answer of what to do. Jared would have to go pick him up if Connor didn’t start running back to the dorms. They’d have to call the police, and Evan would be known as the kid that's haunting the dorms. Connor would have to get another roommate and switch rooms. They’ll discover that Jared has been secretly living in the dorms.

But he’s breathing, and can’t just stop breathing because he wants to. He doesn’t have the energy to get up and find any of their medications to do it. Connors would be the most potent. He wouldn’t have to take much of it,and it would be like Connor is letting him free. Connor would hate himself.

He could take his own, it wouldn’t need to be refilled anyways.

But it always came back to his mother, who couldn’t handle the grief or afford a funeral. She’s under enough stress as it is.

He lays in bed, wishing he was already rotting away, and scrolls through his phone like he was actually reading any of it. At least his mind had finally fallen silent, and now all it is was an abstract feeling of despair for living.

‘Million Dollar Compensation For Family of Deceased Victim of 18 Wheeler Accident’ was something he actually did read. A case not unlike others, where an big truck was at fault and killed another driver, and to avoid lawsuit the insurance company filled pockets and wallets.

It was like Evan could breathe again.

It was what he had been looking for. A way out that would cause minimal damage. It’d pay for his funeral, it’d pay for his mothers student loans, it’d pay for Jared and Connors grieving counseling. It’d pay for whatever car gets wrecked.

There was no worry for what’s coming because he’s gotten it all worked out. He can do it, easily even.

 

Evan is sitting upright and little closer to himself when Jared gets back. The glass was still there, and the feeling that Evan was walking a different direction than Jared is evident when he looks at him surprised.

“Think it was something I ate. I threw up and feel better.” Evan shrugs. It’s easier to lie now. It’s easier knowing that they won’t see it coming; there’ll be nothing for them to blame themselves over. He won’t let them try to help him, because sometimes people just weren't meant to live that long, the feeling that they have failed wouldn't plague them either. 

“Oh, awesome. Probably should eat some soup just in case though.” He says as he pops the lid off. He seems less like Jared, but Evan guesses it was just the thickening of the glass. He wonders how longs it will be before it’s so thick that they can’t see each other anymore, but Evan won’t live long enough to know. That idea is comforting. He can stop while he’s still ahead. He can stop while he’s still loved. 

His death will be a tragedy, not a suicide. They won’t know that Evan had planned it; that he saw it coming.

They won’t have to blame themselves for the feelings Evans having. They can blame a stranger, get paid, and move on with their lives.

He didn’t want this anymore, the thoughts, the nights, the breathing. He wanted to be nothing, but beings an old worn marker on the side of the freeway with plastic flowers was good enough for him.

It’s long overdue; he shouldn’t have survived his fall. It wasn’t a stroke of luck, it was a mistake. He wasn’t supposed to be here anymore. He was so ready to leave.

He regretted a lot of things in his life, even down to embarrassing conversations he’s had with waiters. He wasn’t sure if he regretted surviving or not, but he still wasn’t ready to answer that, and he planned on dying before he could. In his last months, it’s easy to not dwell on any of it.

He was ready.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> next update is Halloween Party where Connor gets a break from his own troubles to dig into someone elses. Coming May 3rd!  
> ~ Hello from Sister, Leo!! I'm not in the picture often but i'm updating for Danni today while she works!! Though i'm also finding myself poorly editing a bit since she ( almost out of habit) use like,but,and,thinks,feels etc. a good majority of the time, grinding my gears in the process. Love her though. Thank you for loving and supporting her!! ~ love, Leo!


	31. Halloween Party

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Connor tries to be a friend. It seems to work.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is a little happy chapter so you can handle the next one... ya'll are gonna be mad soon.

POVC

* * *

 

Parties were never really Connors thing. Maybe he didn’t go to enough growing up to learn how to act going to one, or maybe he just really didn’t like to be around bunch of horny drunk strangers. Or maybe knowing said people where worse; he wouldn’t know. Still, though, he went because Michael asked him to go with him as a sort of back up. 

He was doing this for Michael and absolutely no other reason.

Absolutely nothing could bring him to a halloween party if he could help it.

He hasn’t been under any sort of fucking influence since that crazy shit came down over the weed Michael had. He didn’t trust his mind to turn into a stack of note cards of different people anymore. If he were honest, in the dark of the night, when he was exhausted and his mind is too tired to forcibly hold itself together, he can still feel the air between each layer of skin and the ability to feel anything flashes on and off in his fingertips. It’s stress related, he’s sure, but that doesn’t mean he’s going to give it a chance to fully take his body again.

So instead he plays fucking party mom.

“He’ll be here in about ten minutes.” Connor says as he only picks one slice of pizza up from the box when he usually eats closer to three. If he’s not drinking at that party, he’s going to dig into as much food as he can before everyone gets stoned. He’s not willing it to be a complete waste of time.

“You planning on drinking?” Jared says like he can see the ugly future. Evan stays deadly silent. 

“What? No. Get off my dick, mom.” Connor grimaces. He knows their opinion of drunk driving is stronger than most. They’ve seen it first hand; Evan especially. He knows Evan probably had a near death experience flipping his car over in a ditch. He knows that it stopped Evan from driving, and the guilt of wrecking a car was only the tip of the iceberg of how he felt about it afterwards.

“Have you done anything like that since that night at Michaels?” Evan pipes up, furthering what was beginning to feel like an investigation.

“What’s with you two today? Fuck, with all the questions.” Connor blows his hair out of his face and it’s enough like a breathing exercise the extinguish some nerves. He knows his reaction is answer enough.

He watches Evan duck his head, focusing on eating his pizza from where he sat on the floor. Jared is used to Connors snaps by now, and it makes him feel like an annoying barking dog.

“Not trying to-” Jared almost snaps back, and Connor wonders what was on the end of that sentence. The idea of repeating the past, or Connor almost dying, or anything else. Jared swallows whatever it was with a look to says ‘you know what we mean’.

“I’ll be careful. Scouts honor.” He makes that split fingers V thing he’s seen on one of Jared's space shows. Connor looks like he knows what he just ruined.

“Nevermind, get the fuck out.” Jared dead pans and Evan giggles.

Like on cue, Connors phone dings with a text from Michael.

“Maybe I will.” Connor smiles already wishing to just stay in with them instead. He walks to where they were camping out on the floor, and they both smile up to him. He places his hands on Evans hair, a silent reminder that he’s next as Connor leans down to place a kiss on Jareds lips.

“Go get turnt.” Jared says as if he could get Connor to kiss him again just to get him to shut up; Connor considered it. Instead, he leans to Evan, his lips always tasting like chapstick and he hums a goodbye against Connors lips.

Connor wonders if it would be too late to call sick on Michael.

He doesn’t and already feeling like he was going to regret it, he leaves.

 

“Thanks for coming with me.” Michael says as Connor buckles in.

“Yeah, I don’t know why I’m going.” Maybe he was still a little bitter even though he agreed.

“Hah- same.” Michael has never been good at hiding things, but without him saying it outright, all Connor has been able to pick up is a dissatisfaction in his group of not really friends.

“Then why are we going?” Connor didn’t mean to be rude. He meant it for Michaels point of view.

“Because I need Jeremy to think I’m friends with these people.”

Michael has always sounded kind of paranoid to Connor, but he always thought that was him finding similar characteristics to Evan. Although, the longer this goes on, the more those paranoid characteristics stop seeming like Evan and more like Michael himself.

“Jeremy is?” Connor has been having trouble keeping up with all these names. Maybe if he would fucking remember, then he would have a better idea of all that was happening.

“My best friend?” Michael says like Connor has missed the biggest part of the whole thing he didn't understand. He probably had.

“The one you like?” Connor says and Michael squirms like he  _ really  _ preferred that Connor didn’t say that aloud.

“Well, yeah, but that’s beside the point.” Michael breathes. “He’s friends with these new people all of a sudden and I got to keep up, you know? Stay relevant or whatever.” Michael shrugs. That line felt a whole more diluted. It felt like that feeling was the sourse.

“He’s not your best friend if you have to fucking chase after him the entire time.” Connor doesn’t hide his opinion of this so called Jeremy.

“I’m not having this conversation with you.” Michael draws the line. Connor blows air out of his mouth instead of holding his ground.

“Whatever.”

 

Connor has spent a lot of time being a social crutch. He was dating Evan and it was just part of it. Leading conversations, staying close in crowds, staying available in crowds, reading body language, and know how to get them out of situations that where just too much. It’s probably why Connor took only a little time realizing that was his role for Michael as he skirted around light hearted conversations with strangers after strangers. All of them seemed apologetic towards Michael, like they owed him. Jeremy especially. Michael was wary of all of them, always overly conscious of what each one said like it held ulterior meaning. Jeremy especially.

No matter how much the others looked out for Michael, he never let his guard down. No matter how many times they watched for social cues and tried to make him smile, Michael only relied on Connor.

 

“Why the fuck do they look at you like a porcelain doll?” Connor looks over to Michael when the walked outside to take a breather. Neither of them touched alcohol or weed, and it was plentiful here. He expected different from Michael, but seemed like he was holding himself back every step of the way.

“I shouldn’t have brought you.” Michael only flinches at Connors tone. Connor has already cared brashly, tearing down anything that would pose a threat and his hands are tied behind his back here. He doesn’t know where to strike first.

“Then why did you? Can you at least give me that?” Connor has never gotten this far to get uninvited from a party after the fact, and it was still progress. He’s used to being unwanted, but it stings more because the person he was around Evan and Jared didn’t come around for everyone else to see. He will always be uninvited.

“I already told you. So Jeremy thinks I’m friends wi-”

“Why am  _ I  _ here, Mike?” 

“I can’t be alone here.” He shrugs, tucking his hands in his hoodie. Connor wants to ask if that was so hard to admit, but the statement is cold with some sort of revelation.

“Lets go.” Connor nods toward where they are parked on the street.

“What?” Michael looks back to the house and all its occupants.

“If you don’t feel safe here then you leave.” Connor speaks nothing on the party patrons trying to make him feel the opposite. He holds it like a piece of gospel that saved him when he lived with his parents. Run when it’s too bad, there’s no shame in shying away. There’s no shame in saving yourself.

“But-”

“Come on, I’m hungry and you said you’d feed me.” He crosses his arms, not listening unless Michael had a reasonable argument. He didn’t.

 

The camp out in a corner booth in a Wendy's. Michael cheeks his phone every five minutes waiting for something that doesn't come and Connor watches him, silently eating his fries. For a Halloween night, fast food restaurant is quiet, but it's in their favor when Michaels eyes water. Once again, Michael moves to turn his phone over to reveal no notifications. Connor places his hand over his and the phone is held against the cold tables surface made out of god knows what.

“He hasn’t noticed I’m gone.” He says softly. It’s telling when it pairs with Michaels need to make Jeremy think he’s friends with all of them. He’s being left behind and can’t keep up. But at least he has Connor, and Connor is more likely to be ditched than to ditch someone else.

Connor wants to help Michael get back. He wants to say something snappy like ‘Then don’t let him notice you cared’, but he doesn’t. Connor already knows not matter how far this Jeremy leaves Michael, Michael won’t ever completely let go of him. So Connor has decided to try to help instead of making it worse because it will never end. It’s a lot like giving CPR to a dead body. It’ll only ‘breathe’ for so long.

Just by the way Michael kept it under wraps gave Connor the idea that Jeremy was getting the same treatment.

“Then tell him why you left.” Connor says and he knows it’s a crazy idea. The idea of just  _ saying  _ what was wrong was just outlandish, but the road to being better are full of things that were hard to do.

“What?” Michaels expression mirror just how outlandish the idea really was.

“Just text him. Nothing crazy or serious like you needed to leave because those people make you fucking uncomfortable.” Connor shrugs. He knows it’s easier said than done, but his own phone rings before he can offer any encouragement. He turns his own over to see the name written across the screen.

Evan.

Connor thinks he feels his heart stop. Evan wasn’t supposed to call. Evan  _ didn’t  _ call.

“Sorry- fuck, I have to take this.” He excuses as he stands. Michaels gets the urgency in Connors expression and lack of color in his face. “Hello? Ev, what’s going on?” He honestly expected something wrong with Jared if it were Evan that was calling.

“Hey.” Was Evans distorted phone voice that Connor has never heard before. Things sound calm. “Nothing going- I just wanted to say ‘hi’, and I thought- I just wanted to try calling. Baby steps, you know?” 

“Yeah, yeah, no, that’s perfectly okay.” It makes Connor smile. He tastes the person he becomes around Evan. “Hi.”

Evan laughs. “Hi.” He says back; gut wrenchingly cute. He wants to be home with his boyfriends, not counselling in a Wendy's on Halloween night. Still, he stays where he’s needed.

“What are you and Jare up to?” He asks, keeping Evan talking. He lets it drain the stress over the past couple hours. 

“Just watching some scary movies without you.” Evan says in a tone that is both teasing and longing. 

“Just be sure to tickle Jareds neck when he’s focused for me.”

Evan doesn’t answer right away, and Connor doesn’t know what to make of it until he hears Jared scream in the background. Connor feels like one of those annoying people talking and making too much noise on phones public, but Connor can’t help but belting laughter.

“I gotta go.” Evan laughs. “I’m in trouble.” 

“I’m on your side.”

“Thanks. See you soon?”

“Yeah, I’ll let you know when I’m on my way.”

“Okay, bye.” Evan says softly. I makes him want to leave now, but that’s been a recurring theme.

“Bye.”

 

Michaels eyes haven’t gotten any drier since Connor stepped away. If anything, it’s worse.

“He’s heading this way.” Michael says, and honestly smile for the first time tonight. This Jeremy must be a fucking idiot if he doesn’t know how bad Michael has fallen for him.

Connor just gives him an eye, looking for more information.

“You’re going to need to be civil, Connor.” He sighs, but he knows it’s all out of care.

“That’s going to cost you a frosty.” Connor says with fake seriousness, and they’re cracking under the stress of the past few hours. Michaels snickers and Connor covers his own mouth, both cracking up with laughter over nothing. Still, it feels better afterwards, and things seem a little more doable even when Jeremys old car pulls into the parking lot.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> next update is May 10th! Called One Last Drive...


	32. One Last Drive

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> things go unchecked and worn

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> look im sorry, but there is still no major character death tag so there is hope

POVJ

* * *

 

The hardest thing about this was that they all saw it coming. They knew, and yet they only stood on the side like an audience, letting it happen.

 

Connor was worried about Evan. Connor had expressed exactly that when Jared had drove him just three streets down to the main campus.

“Why exactly?” Jared hums over the steering wheel. Connor feels tense in the passenger seat.

“He’s not sick.” Connor replies ominously. Jared himself had feigned sick when he didn’t want to go anywhere, and he’s sure Connor had done the same thing. Evan probably wasn’t feeling up to par and didn’t want to have to explain himself to be left be.

“He’s not going to want to talk about it.” Jared didn’t see where Connor was so worked up over this. Connor didn’t like being lied to, even if it were code words for other things. He would much rather be told that they couldn’t do today. Evan simply couldn’t do today.

He hadn’t realized Evan couldn’t do everyday that was their future.

“I know- it’s just-” Connor doesn’t know what to do about it; not without being obvious. Neither does Jared.

“We’ll just keep an eye on him, okay?”

Jared got Evan ice cream with his soup. He wasn’t sure if letting Evan know that he knew was the best way to go. Evan hated be obvious, no matter how much Jared wanted to silently support him with a stupid gesture like making him ice cream instead of soup.

 

Now Jared wishes he had done that and a dozen other things. Amazing how your actions seem right until you see the end.

 

Evan is back to normal and better when he gets home saying that it must have been a fluke. He smiles and Jared doesn’t want to correct it with ice cream. Jared didn’t want to remind Evan that he was upset to begin with. If Evan had moved past the clouds then so could Jared. Jared, the fucking idiot that he was, makes soup instead of ice cream.

10:14am _ evs up and said he feels better so i think hes good now _ (JK)

He had stop looking for tragedy in Evan. He turned Connor away where he was looking for it. Jared single handedly rips the safety net out from Evan by just one text message. Connor could sniff out the problem long before it came to a head and Jared  _ turned him away _ .

 

Connor comes home and they laugh around cheap frozen dinner meals like nothing was hiding. That was when Jared forgot it even happened. It seemed Evan had as well. They all thought that was the end of it, and all that was left for them was sunny skies. He just wishes sunny skies for Evan, and he feels as though he’ll never understand how unattainable that was.

“Straight into the lake?” Jared laughs, carefree, and unknowing.

“Psh-” Connor laughs around the food in his mouth. They are all far away from their parents and they are free from manners. “He called it an emergency landing.” Connor smiles, not like seeing that Connor was once happy before was hard to understand, but it was hard to remember a time where he wasn’t the smiling man he was now. It was then that Jared could believe that they weren't the men they were years ago. They were happier, and better, and stronger. Jared wants to believe that was still true.

It’d make it easier to be angry at Evan than at himself.

“Those usually end with survivors.” Evan jokes. Evan was present then, more so than he has been in a while.

“Yeah,” Connor nods, his smile doesn’t fade like it usually does when talking about the past.  “I miss doing things like that with them, I think.” Despite the ‘i think’ at the end, they all knew that Connor meant it for sure.

“You should.” Evan starts, not really used to be hands on. “Maybe talk to your mom? I’m sure she could set it up.”

Connor shrugs. “The place we always went to shut down forever ago.” Connor says like a kid giving up part of his childhood. Maybe he was.

 

Days had passed and if Jared where paying attention he could have noticed Evan shoveling good signs over Connors initial worry. But they weren't paying attention and they chose to eat the good things Evan was feeding them. 

For all they knew, Evan was getting better. He had a bad day and then all of a sudden his progress spiked upwards and continued its ascent. Evan had become more attentive, more affectionate, more overall present.

He hadn’t realized Evan was silently saying goodbye.

“I don’t want to do this.” Connor groans as he gets off the phone with Michael. It’s an open invitation to whoever wants to start the conversation. Evan takes the bait.

“What’d he ask you?” Evan looks up over his phone. From what Jared can see, Evan was reading some long paragraph with big price numbers scattered around. There’s a dumb ad for a mean lawyer threatening to sue truck drivers flashing at the corner of his screen. Jared doesn’t think anything of it.

“To go with him to some strangers Halloween Party. He doesn’t even know them.” Connor griped.

“It could be fun.” Evan has been oddly optimistic these days. 

Connor was the one that usually could notice these things. This wasn’t enough to trigger Connors parent senses. Especially not with Jared dismissing him.

 

The end up doing their second annual Halloween Movie night the day before Halloween. It’s strange to think that they’ve done this only one time before and it all feels so long ago. Jared wonders what else would change by the next Halloween when everything had already changed for the better now. He almost didn’t want to know if only because he wished for things to stay exactly the same.

Evan doesn’t chose his usual mind testers and twist endings. He chose the Final Destination movie line, and no one mentions the drastic change in style.

The idea that one cannot escape death wasn’t as relevant then as it was now.

 

Evan curls onto Connor, and Jared curls onto Evan. Connor puts his arm around the both of them. Jared tries to hold onto how safe he felt then, even with the character on the screen screaming in agony. Even when the character is gone before they knew what happened to them. Knowing someone passed before even experiencing the pain coming after them isn’t as comforting as Jared originally thought it was.

 

He tries to put himself back there, where Evan is asleep sandwiched between them. Connor plugs in his headphones and shared a ear bud with Jared to avoid disturbing Evan. A jumpscare makes Jared flinch and Evan mumbles a comfort in his sleep. It makes Jared's heart so happy that it felt like it could destroy any pain or hurt in his body.

At the end of the movie, Connor tucks the laptop under Evans bed so he doesn’t have to get up. And when Connor lays down, Evan and Jared go down too, all stacked on him. He presses a kiss into Evans hairs and a hand in Jareds hair because he can’t reach him without disturbing Evan. They all fell asleep in their jeans that night, all piled onto each other.

 

Jared wants to go back to that, and it’s now the he realizes just how cruel time is just by moving forward without warning.

 

Evan and Jared stayed in for Halloween, munching on the bag of candy corn Connor bought for the both of them. 

“Show us! Show us!” They chant if only to irritate Connor changing in the bathroom. They can hear Connor snort in the bathroom, but otherwise stays silent. Evan grins from where he sits criss cross on the floor by Jared.

“This is better than ‘Say Yes To The Dress’.” Jared whispers to Evan even though he knew Connor wouldn’t take offense to that anyway. Evan giggles, the smile evident in his eyes.

Connor steps out of the bathrrom, badly faking how uncertain he was of his boyfriends reactions.

“You guys make this a whole lot more dramatic than you need to.” Connor says through that black little mouth cover. It looks vaguely familiar with the silver arm with and a red star. Evan seems ecstatic.

“It’s Bucky Barnes.” Evan grins, explaining to Jareds confused expression. Jared has a faint memory of Evan and Connor dragging him to that movie back in May. Like a fond reminder, he remembers they saw it during their graduation vacation.

 

He’s glad Connor left then; with Evan smiling like a dork over his costume. He laughs over Evan grinning because ‘it’s like I kissed Bucky’.

Even though Connor saw it coming, he’s glad Connor didn’t see it. Still, Jared could only imagine the terror he felt by only hearing it.

 

The candy corn doesn’t last long between the two of them, and Evan feels a little too cooped up.

Jareds heard of all those crazy stories of how people have narrowly missed tragedy if only by a feeling to stay home. He hadn’t known what the feeling was until that night, and maybe that’s why he ignored it.

“Do you think we could go for a drive?” Evan speaks up where they both were on their phones, laying on the floor side by side.

“Hmm?” Jared looks to where Evan hasn’t looked away from his phone. It was the first time he seemed nervous in a while.

“You know like what you and Connor do?” Evan looks ahead, jumping mental hurdles that Jared can’t see. “ I was thinking I wanted to get back into the hang of driving again.”

At the time Jared saw it fit for Evan to be nervous; the last time he drove, he ended up upside down in a ditch. But Evan was learning to grow past his trauma, and this was another step. This was a big step.

Jared, regardless of the uneasy feeling in his stomach, wasn’t going to stop Evan from that step if he felt like he was ready. So Jared left to go drive the car to the front of the dorm to pick Evan up.

 

Jared drove them out to one of Connor favorite deserted country roads before switching seats with Evan.

“You remember how to?” Jared tries to sound like a mentor rather than judgemental. He hopes Evan hears the support.

“I - I think so.” He says as he pulls it into drive and the tires begin to roll forward.

 

He turns where a little sharp here or a little too fast there or a little too slow sometimes, but Evan got the hang of it. He’s driven before and all he needed to do was to get behind the wheel before muscle memory took over. Evan was technically licensed and there wasn’t anything to be worried about.

Jared began to relax in the passenger seat, no need to backseat drive. Their phones both buzz in unison and it’s easy to know it’s Connor.

12:37am  _ you guys are out late  _ (CM)

Jared doesn’t hesitate to tell him the good news. This is something to be excited about. Jared still knows that whether or not Connor caught it then wouldn’t have changed anything.

12:38am  _ Evan wanted to drive around (image attached) _ (JK)

Connor calls and Jared assumes it’s to congratulate Evan.

“Yellow?” Jared says into the receiver. The road leads to the freeway. Evan pulls onto the on ramp.

“There’s something wrong with him.” Connor says urgently. Then Jared was irritated Connor was back to this again. Now was different.

“We’re fine! He drives pretty good.” Jared doesn’t let Evan hear the tone of the conversation. He doesn’t seem to be paying attention anyways. He was busy getting up to speed of the freeway, focusing on the road like a good driver.

“Jared- it’s not-” Connor is was to overworked and Jared wonders if he was high. “He  _ called  _ me earlier.” Like that spoke volumes.

“When?” Jared was with him the entire time.

“I don’t know- like an hour ago?” It was when Jared left to go get the car. “He just wanted to say hi.”

“Then there you go.” Jared didn’t see the big deal in this.

“ _ Jared you have full coverage car insurance.”  _ Connor says like that was the worst possible thing in this. 

Evan focuses on the headlights in the rear view mirror. He moves into the other lane.

“Connor, look you need to get some rest.” 

He almost hangs up on him there. 

Jared wonders what would have happened if he had hung up? How long would it had been.

“Where are you?” 

 

Evan speed up to pass an 18-wheeler. It’s more harsh than the rest of his driving was and Jared only assumed it was just the phone call grating on his nerves.

“I’m not sure. There’s not really any signs.”

Evan changes lanes, cutting off the big rig.

Jared laughs off the close call, his lungs feel tight.

 

Evan slams on the brakes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wow! hey! I love you guys even thou I'm not really showing it rn.   
> The next chapter in coming out the 17th called Not Alone!!


	33. Not Alone

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The glass is shattered and for now, Evan is not alone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> due to the shortness (and lack of any plot but just a literal cliffhanger) I'm posting this early AND going to post the follow up chapter on the scheduled May 17th

POVE

* * *

 

For a long minute it felt like he was dreaming. All he would have to do was open his eyes and he’d still be beside Jared eating candy corn. The feeling of all of this being realing feels alot like his eyes just focusing.

Still everything is dark, the feeling of gravity pulls at him like he was hanging sideways, but he was still pulled tight into the seat of Jareds car. It smelled like burnt rubber and gunpowder. It was foggy in the car, but that was the airbags in front of him causing that.

He looks down to his hand, his phone is already in his right lighting up. It’s a picture of Connor back when they were in high school. He seemed less alive there and he makes a note to himself to get another picture for it. It’s when the screen goes dark again that he realizes that Connor was calling him.

He clicks the power button and it’s bright in the foggy car. It says he has seven missed calls and 911 sits on his keypad already typed out. He doesn’t remember typing it out and he doesn’t know why he would need it.

He doesn’t remember Halloween night ever being this cold. He doesn’t remember his phone screen being this hypnotising.

Jared phone lights up on the floor boards; another call from Connor. Evan wonders what he wanted so bad.

 

His bones memorize the feeling of jolting to a sudden stop, his arms still burned where the hot fabric of the air bags pushed them out of the way. It felt like his body was reliving what was already over. It was as if his body was testing to see if it really had happened, and Evan was slowly realizing it had.

He feels guilty. Jared wasn’t supposed to be a part of it, but it’s comforting to have him here. 

He tries not to dwell on how close Connor was to being alone, or maybe he already was. No one really knows they’re dead already. This could just be what's left of Evan reliving his last memories like he was still alive and will soon become a part of the freeway. Nothing more than a glare of headlights, but with Jared beside him the idea wasn't as tempting.

The sky was missing. All he can see at the end of the hood is the road in front of the windshield, the normally yellow lines illuminated red and blue.

Evan doesn’t want to know why the colors keep changing like a warning. The flashing only makes him uncertain and scared. The fear was ice in his blood.

But his eyes blur like an invitation to run rather than face it head on. He can leave in another way.

He doesn’t hesitate to close his eyes. The sounds of sirens die in his ears.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ahaha Im so sorry  
> Next update is May 17th! Forever Moving


	34. Just Two Steps Behind

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Connor is trying desperately to catch up, but the world is unfurling at a pace that he can't keep up with.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i messed up title names. The next one is called Forever Moving... oops

POVC

* * *

 

Connor was used to flipping out over nothing. He was used to flipping out, making an ass out of himself, and realizing it was over nothing far too late to salvage himself. That typically involved someone pointing out that he was obviously wrong on how it should have been clear there was nothing to be worried about. Like Jared, for example, believed that Evan was okay and was showing signs of improvement. 

Connor had been in some pretty shitty places, and honestly, he hated seeing himself in Evan like that. Maybe that’s why he bought out of it so quickly. Maybe if he could pretend that he didn’t notice it, then maybe it wasn’t actually there.

Now he wishes it had gone down any  other way but this.

The sound of screeching tires. The sounds of crushing metal. The silence that followed afterwards.

And not a damn clue where they where.

Connor calls both of them repeatedly, leaving his phone on speaker as he hauls ass into his own truck reading to drive aimlessly in hopes that just somehow finds them. He keeps calling them, if to wake them up and give them plenty of chance to answer or to a phone already smashed into the floorboards, he doesn’t know.

He doesnt think he can handle knowing, but he has to. He has to find them.

He wishes he could focus on driving, but the sound of his phone dialing Jared yet another time and hearing Jareds voice read off the voicemail spewl is a fucking reminder that they are probably not going to answer sometime soon, but Connor has no shitting clue what to do. His hands are shaking and he’s not sure if he’s gripping the steering wheel or he can’t hold it at all because he can’t feel his hands. He can’t feel his feet or his own forehead. Everything seems cloudy and and vivid all at the same time.

He doesn’t think he’s even exhaled in the past ten minutes.

He calls Heidi thinking that if  _ anyone  _ else had found Evan and Jared, one of the emergency contacts would have been notified.

“Connor? It’s the middle of the night, what’s going on?” She has a right to already be worried.

“Evan and Jared have been in a car accident.” He gets out. It doesn’t feel real. It felt like he was just acting and at the end of this he’s just going to go home and curl in bed with Evan or Jared. That’s all this was. It was Connor overreacting.

“Oh my god! Are they okay? Where are they?” The tiredness from her voice was gone near instantly, and it felt a little better to not be the only one panicking, but it wouldn’t have anything to help them with. She didn’t know anything about it either.

“I’m- I’m trying to find them.” Connor hates how hopeless he feels. He hates how hopeless he sounds. He feels like he’s on the verge of tears because he’s just so damn frustrated, and he knows that won’t help them at all. Connor can’t help them at all. “I was on the phone with them, and I heard-”

“Check google maps. See if they have any reported accidents.” Somehow she’s calmer in this. It remind him of how Evan got right before finals in high school where the sheer terror would clear any emotion from him. Connor wishes he had that Hansen ability now. He wishes he could think clearly without imagining what he would find if he ever found them. “I’ll call parametrics and keep them alert in your area. Keep me updated, Con. We’re going to work through this.” Maybe it was the nurse coming out in her that cause her to smile in the face of blood and possible death.

He does as he’s told and no surprise, it worked. Highway 6 is  highlighted in red on the maps app.

With all the need to slam on the gas and gun it into traffic, he focuses. He sends a screenshot of the location to Heidi and takes the side road to get the closest to the accident.

Still, the gas pedal was on the floor most of the time. He tried to ignore the feeling that he was driving into something he never is going to want to see.

 

He can see the red brake lights illuminating the night sky as he passed them on the feeder road. His hands are bake to shaking and everything feels so surreal like he was watching through someone else's eyes. He holds his breath and forces himself to face the road until he can pull off to the shoulder. He’s only a grass ditch and a cement barrier away from the wreck.

He parks his car on the shoulder and gets out, and he’s already fucking running like he hasn’t done in a long as time. The paramedics are already there and the whole scene is illuminated in blue and red. The lights of the cars behinds them cast shadows everywhere.

 

It looks like the pictures he sees in news all the time. The broken glass of the big truck is sprinkled across the pavement. It feels dangerous to have his feet planted onto the concrete of a freeway. A little car is hiked up on the grill, and Connor would have guessed it was a hatchback if he hadn’t already known it was Jareds car. The trunks was gone, probably in the backseat or in the engine of the truck. The whole car was hitched up in the back, making the the windshield stare at the concrete. The thing was maimed, yet it was still the same blue color. That was the only thing that was familiar in it. He can’t name it Jareds car because none of this made sense. It  _ wasn’t  _ Jareds car because Connor couldn’t imagine this being real.

“Connor?” 

It was real.

He doesn’t remember moving, he doesn’t remember the broken glass crushing under his boots, but he’s running to Jared on a gurney, reaching out to him. The paramedics chat around him.

“Fuck, fuck, fuck-” Connor whispers, he doesn’t know if he can talk, he doesn’t know if he is breathing. There’s a gash along Jared's arm. There’s blood everywhere and he wishes hospitals didn’t use white for everything so then he wouldn’t feel so freaked.

“Co-Connor please.” Jared was awake. Terrified, and all mixed up, but awake. And here. And breathing. And Connor could fucking go on. “Where’s Evan?” 

And the world's stops all over again.

And he finally hears the paramedics shouting at each other.

“He’s already lost a lot of blood!”

He watched another gurney get loaded up onto an ambulance in just another lane.

“He’s unconscious on arrival.”

Connor lets go of Jared's hand. He tries to ask what’s going on. He can’t speak.

“We need to get fluid back in him stat.” They rush around him, slamming the doors of the other ambulance shut.

“Get him out of here now!” 

“Wait-” He tries to follow it. It’s already speeding away.

“Sir! SIr, you need to stay with us.” Their gloved hands are on him. They’re covered in blood.

 

He doesn’t know how he ended up in the ambulance beside Jared, watching someone take his vitals again. They’re already encouraging him. Just a couple staples and good look over from a professional and he’ll be fine. He’s going to be fine.

They haven’t heard anything from or about Evan. Or about the truck driver for that matter. He just holds Jareds hand and he runs circles into it. Fucking useless is what Connor is. Jared has to fucking comfort  _ him _ .

He doesn’t know how to tell Heidi that he has no idea what happened to her son.

Jared, the only one that seems even remotely strong in all of this, bites the bullet for him and calls Heidi. Like expected, she’s overjoyed to hear from him and that he’s okay. It helps because right afterwards he has to inform her that Evan is on the way to the hospital ahead of him with an unknown condition other than it’s obviously worse than Jareds.

After that, things were left with nothing but time rushing by. They arrive to the hospital and Connor is ushered into the waiting room because he wasn’t family. 

And so he sits alone on an uncomfortable chair in the corner of the slightly cold room and stares at the floor until his eyes blur with tears. It’s not until they had manages to reach his cheeks that he realizes that he’s crying. Once he knows that, he can’t fucking stop. His mind's isn’t picturing any catastrophic scenes anymore. It’s the sheer dread thats driving him insane. There’s nothing other than pure dread, and it feels like it’s condensed into his chest and it’s slowly suffocating him. He wishes it would hurry up and do it. He just wants to be unaware of it all.

His nails are digging into his scalp and that’s all that feels real right now. Evan and Jared aren’t supposed to get hurt. They not supposed to be the crazy accident on the freeway. That was  _ other people  _ that it happened to.

“Connor?” He hears her voice before he see her and it’s like waking up in the hospital all over again except the dread of living is the dread of having to live without them. He has to remind himself it’s not that bad. It can’t be. He lets the feeling of Heidi's hand on his shoulder lull him into a false sense of security. That’s all Connor wanted right now; to pretend that it wasn’t happening.

He looks to her hand in his. He doesn’t know when she did that, but it makes him feel a little less alone in the waiting room. He looks up to here and her eyes are as blood shot as Connors is. She looks exhausted and Connor feels it.

“I’m gonna-” She swallows, like she needs to gain footing in her words. “I’m gonna go talk to the nurse; see what I can about Evan and Jared.” She says and it’s not the same faked confidence she had before. Connor watches her walk up to the counter.

He watches Heidi's expression closely, but the color returned to her face. Connor isn’t sure how to feel relief anymore, when all he can do is panic further. The nurse hands Heidi a clipboard.

She smiles walking back and Connor remembers to breathe. 

“They’re going to be okay.” 

The room felt less alone.

Connor immediately stands and nearly slams her into a hug. He feels like he could laugh, but he’s crying again. It’s okay because Heidi is too. “They’re going to be okay.” She says into his shoulder, crying with a smile breaking her face. Connor lets her go so she can wipe her face with a sniffle.

“Jared is getting stitched up, and looks to be fine otherwise. Evan is awake with just a concussion, which means he’s going to be a sleepy boy when he gets home.” She smiles, charmed by the idea of taking care of her son again. “All that bleeding was a cut on his eyelid, but no serious damage. They both should be released by morning.”

After this wreck of a night, he texts one of his old group project members and asks if he can copy their notes for the next week. He doesn’t expect an immediate response; it’s almost two in the morning. He already has plans staying home the next day regardless. Maybe stay at the Hansen house so he can make lunch and they can snuggle on the couch. A nice long week together with Connor looking after them. They needed a fucking vacation after this. Maybe Connor could make a fancy dinner one night when Heidi was out and they could eat at the table like adults.

Connor really just wants to make fun out of the near heart attack he suffered.

“How about we go get some coffee.” She tugs him out of his seat and it’s weird for both of them to be civilians in a hospital.

 

“How are you holding up?” She asks after they get their coffee and are now staring out the window six floors up. There’s a backup on the freeway in front of the hospital and Connor stomach turns. It’s only three in the morning.

“I’m here.” He says as a non-answer. 

She looks at him and Connor looks at their reflection in the glass. She opens her mouth the say something, but a nurse coming up to greet them beats her to it. It’s all beginning to seem like a parallel to the last time he was here. He can’t help but to blame himself for Evan and Jared taking his place.

“They’re about to release Mr. Kleinman. If you could make your make your way back to the ER?” She says it like a suggestion.

 

This time they let Connor back behind the big automatic doors, Heidi in tow. The next moments happen very slowly, and maybe that’s because doctors are bustling around them. Maybe when he catches glimpse of Jared standing at the doctors station talking heatedly to another, that time seems to stop. Or maybe it was when Evan was rolled out of one room and doctors had to hold Jared back.

“You tried to fucking kill me!” He shouts across the room and Evan looks mortified. Both of their faces are tear stained. “What the hell did I do to you?!” Jared fights the arms at the doctor, looking for a go at Evan, who was already wheeled through another set of bigs door, and gone. Connor was frozen in place.

Heidi is a little stronger than him and she walks to Jared.

“It’s okay, Jared. It was an accident. I know you’re looking for someone to bla-”

“He’s going to the psych ward because he admitted to doing it on purpose!”

Connor feels like he’s going to throw up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Look, it's totally normal to want to blame someone after a traumatic experience- Jared doesn't hate Ev, he's just worked the hell up.  
> Next update is 24th! The actual 'Forever Moving'


	35. Forever Moving

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Time will bring your happiness, all you have to do is count on it

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so I'm finally picking up writing my novel and as you noticed this is the last chapter! I've started this as a warm up practice for my professional writing and for now I want to focus whole heatedly on that. I know it's kind of a rough ending, but honestly I couldn't come up with anything else? I just suck at endings okay.

POVJ

* * *

 

Jared had a right to be angry, and he doesn’t know why he has to justify his anger to everyone. Evan was suicidal, for how long he didn’t know. Jared was upset that Evan felt that way, sure, and he gave Evan the room to talk when he was ready. He had no anticipation of Evan trying to kill them both.

He wants to be angry because Evan did this to himself rather than try to come clean. He didn’t think how this would affect Jared and Connor, and it hurt Jared to know that Evan believed that he couldn’t help him. To be honest, Jared was absolutely livid that Evan tried to take Jared down with him.

This whole thing was because Evan hated himself or wanted out, but how did that reflect on how he felt about Jared, knowing full well that he was going through the crash with him? And that crash was fucking terrifying.

Jared had a right to be angry.

 

They go to the Hansen house, partially so Connor could play doctor with Heidi's guide, and mostly so Connor could lock himself in Evans room as soon as they get there. Connor hasn't said much since Jared was released. It was like Connor was ready to pretend that everything was okay and Jared was the one that ripped the bandaid off.

Connor looked ghostly for most of the ride home. 

“You weren’t the one in the accident.” Jared said defensively. Connor hadn’t said a damn word to him, but Jared needlessly sets him off. Connor hadn’t done that in a long time.

“I wasn’t the one fucking screaming at Evan when he got admitted to the goddamn looney bin either.” He bites back. “Because it doesn’t seem like you could be damned to care how he’s fucking doing!” He only grows in volume.

“You don’t seem to care that I could have died!” Jared doesn’t back down.

“You could have both fucking died! And then what?!” Connor doesn’t hide the fear in his anger. Jared doesn’t have anything to say. He’s never been suicidal and it’s one of those things. Connor looks like he knows what would happen after. “I can’t fucking lose you, either one of you assholes.” His tone dies. “I’m angry too, trust me. The stakes are higher if you’re the one fucking left behind.” His tone is passive, just in time to leave the car with a slammed door as he stalks inside.

Connor promptly locks himself in Evans room.

Disturbing him felt to much like crossing the line so Jared sleeps on the couch. Or he tries, but instead he’s stuck looking into the darkness of the familiar living room. Oddly enough, he’s never been here without Evan being here and he can feel the void. It felt as though Evan had been gone for awhile, and maybe he had been. Things like this don’t happen overnight even though that’s what it feels like.

He resents Evan for the heartache and the terror he caused. Jared was angry that he could have been not here, having these thoughts. He could still be in his old car, or on a cold table of a morgue. He lost his fucking car because of this.

He could still feel the gravity pull him to the cement. He could still feel the car be forced forward unnaturally like there was something natural about cars to begin with. It feels natural to blame Evan for it. He can still hear Evan slamming on the brakes. The soft sound of the hydraulics before the squealing tires covered it and then the crunching metal covered that.

When his body was still coming down from expecting things to never go back to normal again, he was furious. He was looking to protect himself from the person that hurt him.

Now he missed him.

He wanted him back. He wanted to have fought to see him instead of trying to fight him. He wanted to curl against him and nurse the feeling of death breathing down their necks away. He wants to say that it wasn’t Evan that tried to kill them both, but this horrible beast named depression. And maybe Jared will never fully understand what it’s like to hate breathing, but he wishes he could help because it seemed too strong for Evan or even Connor to do alone.

And he hates being reminded just how outstanding it was that they all managed by themselves for so long, but now is when they get the help they need. Better late than never, right?

So he stands in the dark of the living room like a man on a mission. Evan feels less far away now as he walks down the hallway. He runs his hands along the textured walls as a guide and it feel like it did when he was a kid. He knocks on Evans door, hoping that Connor was still awake, and also hoping the opposite.

Connor is awake, and he can hear the bed creak and padded feet walk to the door. He hadn’t meant to make Connor get up, but here he was, standing in front of Evans bedroom door in the dark as Connor opens it.

It’s so dark he can only make out the silhouette of him, but Jared practicly melts and all those abstract feelings he had where warping into tears. He leans into Connors chest and there’s no scared anger left in him. They’re both so so tired. Connor holds him and he cries into his shoulder. His hands bunch up the fabric on Connors back. It’s his old bleached button up he used to wear all the time in high school, and Jared cries harder because somehow they are still themselves.

Connor kisses the top of Jareds head, not saying a word, but wishing safety of what was left of them.

“We’ll see him soon.” Connor promises that they’ll become themselves again. Jared rests his cheek into Connor sharp shoulder and closes his eyes, letting Connor slowly rock them side to side. He can feel Connors heartbeat through the chemically abused fabric of the shirt. Things aren't great, but they’re okay now.

“I’m sorry.” Jared finally says, and it’s slurred with his cheek shoved into Connor shoulder. He can hear Connor smile, and even Jared doesn’t know how he knows what that sounds like. Jared leans back so he can look at Connors shadowed face. “For the freaky phone call, terror hunt, and my crazy meltdown.”

Connor nods, but Jared can’t read his face. He can’t see it anyways.

“I’m just so fucking happy you both are… sorta okay.” Connor  says weakly like his voice had been strangled from hm. It’s the first time Jared realizes that Connors been crying. He squeezes him once more for good measure.

 

Although it seemed impossible, morning came and everything was the same, and Evan was still in the hospital. In the middle of chaos, it’s their daily routine that feels the most intimate; like the way Jared hand is almost always knotted in Connor's hair every morning. There was no way for Jared to move without waking Connor and even then he seemed to accidentally do that anyway.

Connor hums a good morning, too tired for proper words. Things seemed to be okay.

 

Things where not okay.

Heidi had left early in the morning and she was already back at the kitchen table in tears  by the time Connor and Jared came down. Jared didn’t know what he should be scared of, but he was terrified anyways.

“What happened?” Connors hand is tight in Jareds. They kept going through cycles of feeling like the world was ending. He just wanted it to stop. He wanted to go back to their shitty dorm and snuggle with Evan in his cocoon bunk.

Heidi straightens up, dabbing her eyes with a napkin, composing herself before she could break their hearts.

“Evan, he- he won’t be having visitors until further notice.” She said solemnly. Connor grips Jareds hand tightly.

“Wha- why?!” Connor is already assuming the worst. He needed this to stop more than Jared did. His heart couldn’t handle it.

“He asked for…” She doesn’t want to say it. She doesn’t want to say this is Evans doing. It’s all been Evans doing.

“We can’t…” Connor breathes.  “When can we see him again?” Connor asks and it feels as though they’ve lost Evan completely.

“I don’t know.” She sounds nothing like herself.

He doesn’t know what made Evan just give up on them or why he needs to avoid them. He can’t seem to understand why he can’t just have Evan back.

The reasonable side of him understands. Evan is scared and to him Jared is still angry. He nearly killed Jared and scared the shit out of Connor. Connor knew what it was like, Connor went through thoughts like that and was so scared of his friends feeling the same way. Evan could have said something, anything. They could have stopped it, somehow.

Maybe in a way to hurt himself he avoided the help.

Or maybe he was asking for help and Jared just refused to listen. He could be angry that he made it out and would have to deal with boyfriends that fail him.

Maybe Evan will never be the same and Jared is just so freaking terrified.

 

Like things will be different, they go to the hospital anyways. They ask for their names, looked at their ids, but the process stops when they ask to see Evan. The door heading back remains locked and the nurse looks at them pitying.

They just want to see him. They just need to tell him that they are not mad. 

“Can we give him a letter? Please?” Connor bargains.

They are allowed that.

So they huddle over a piece of paper in Jareds lap because his handwriting is better. Jared doesn’t like the possibility of winning Evan over on his shoulders.

 

_ Ev, _

_ I’m so sorry we missed this coming, that you felt like  _ “nothing was harder than living itself, and the hope of a future didn’t show itself to you anymore” Connor adds. _ But between Connor and I, we can’t be more ecstatic that we are given another chance to do better, to be the boyfriends you needed the first time around.  _ “We want to be there for you, and we would be beyond happy if you would let us.”  _ We will all be better together, someday. _

_ We are not angry. “Scared shitless, but not mad.” We miss our boy, and want to cry and hold your hand and pretend that everything will be okay because maybe it will. If not, we’ll have each other. _

_ If this is you needed space, we respect that. We will give you anything we can, but we will not ever leave you alone. “We love you.” and that's a promise. _

_ Jared and Connor _

 

Connor holds tight to Jareds hand, both their eyes misty. They stand and his bones feel stiff with grief. Connor folds the note, Evans name roughly scribbled out on the front in his bad handwriting. It makes Jared's heart hurt. They give it up to the nurse at the front desk, and somehow neither of them cry, but that’s different when they are in the cold air of the parking lot.

Nearly losing Evan made everything seem so fragile. That’s why he tugs on Connors hand and he doesn’t fight it when Jared pulls him into a hug. He buries his face and Connors chest and cries because nothing in this awful world is permanent, not even Evan or Connor.

“I love you.” Jared sobs, and it’s so much easier admitting it on a letter not in front of Evans face, but Connor only squeezes him tighter and pressed a kiss to the top of his head.

“I love you too.” He whispers back and things seem a little more permanent.

He wishes it wasn’t this context when the first ‘love’s where admitted, but Jared can’t help it. Not when he has to know that they knew because he didn’t know what tomorrow held. He hated knowing just how little he knew what was certain. Everything can change in under twenty four hours and this was Jared putting his foot down and trying to make something concrete in a world that never stops. It feels like the river of this world was taking him and everything he knew and he was standing in the cold November air in Connors arms and sobbing.

Still, time moves on.

 

The next day Connor goes to class, and then to Evans, getting notes from his teachers. He leaves them in a noce stack on the small table in the room, but he doesn’t take his shoes off. Jared puts his shoes on.

Connor plans to reduce the notes to seem less overwhelming for when Evan gets back, but he had different priorities right now. They drive to the hospital.

The nurse up front takes their names, look at their ids. They ask to see Evan, and the nurse leads them back.

Time moves forward and Jared goes with the current willingly.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ya'll have been great, but it's time for me to let this project of mine go. Thank you so much for sticking with me through it.


	36. To Be Free

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Extra chapter!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So the last chapter was tecknically the ending because A) its had a good parallel, it started with Connor in the hospital and it finished with Evan B) the POVs are evan, Connor, and the Jared, so if I posted this there would be one more Evans and that would bother me, but i didnt want this chapter to just sit and catch dust so...

POVE

* * *

 

The following happened like a dream. Maybe because it was a story he would dream about looking out of a car window and wishing he was nothing more than a marker on the side of a freeway. Becoming nothing more than a fading memory seemed freeing.

But he hit the brakes, and he didn’t believe he had really done it. He thought he was just dreaming again when the grill of a commercial truck broke through Jareds back window. But as he drifted into the darkness he realizes he was actually falling asleep. He was never dreaming to begin with.

 

Still, somehow, he woke up again. No longer a free memory. Just responsible and guilty. With tears, he admits what he has done. With tears, they wheel him where he visiting Connor over a year ago. Jared screams what they both know.

Evan is not safe to be around and the knowledge of what he almost did nearly kills him.

 

He can't see them again. He doesn’t deserve it, and he may actually manage to do worse than what he already has. Jareds blood is on his hands, he’d rather not have his life too. He’s known that all he could do was hurt them or waste their time, but he hadn’t expected himself to be this capable. 

And of course Jared hated him, he didn’t have to rely on his anxiety telling him that everyone hated him to know for sure. He heard it, he saw it; in the form of Jared screaming at him being held back by nurses because if he could reach Evan who knows what he’ll do. He knew for sure that he will be held accountable for everything he has done and still Evan will hate himself for it more than Jared ever could.

He doesn’t know where Connor sits in all of this, but the rational part of him tells him that Connors probably beside himself in all of this. For now Connor doesn’t hate him, and despite knowing that it won't last, it puts Evan at ease. If only for a little bit.

He doesn’t see anyone familiar for the rest of the day. It seems like he wasn’t a part of the world he had come to know for so long. Maybe a part of him wanted to believe that he succeeded. That maybe Jared was screaming because it was Evans corpse, maybe Evan had heard him wrong.

Evan would never know for sure. He’ll never see any of them again and he in live in his own self made purgatory. The walls where white and and no one really seemed themselves. An endless escape of white cold tile and hallways. It reminded him of his mother, and he let the feeling envelope him, hoping to become nothing more than the off color glare of a worn lightbulb on the white tile in the hospital. It sounded freeing.

 

Of course he wasn’t free and he wasn’t dead. A letter arrives like an invitation to the living world. But rather with despair and the fear of the world and endless possibilities, it’s welcoming and careful, and  _ loving. _

They were both so loving, and the memories of Jared and Evan playing tag in hallways that looked like this or him and Connor watching netflix on the tv that looks shockingly like the one sitting in front of Evan right now is not enough to curve how much he misses them.

They called it a second chance. While Evan can reminisce about becoming one with the blurry brake lights of the freeway, the idea of having another chance to make this life of his  _ his  _ was all the more enchanting. 

So for now, he’ll live for having a second chance to sit on top of Connors blazer on a dark country road and look at the stars only vaguely wishing to become a star, only to realize stars a trapped millions of lightyears away and that’s not as free as what he has now.

And he knows that he should be getting tripped over how their first ‘I love you’s are over this letter, but the promise of being there when life won’t promise to be okay is so much more of a bigger statement. It said ‘I love you’ and more.

So he welcomes the real world back, letting it breathe life into the white hallways, and maybe it was just Evan or the sun, but the white tiles reflect the orange and purples from the sunset. The illusion of purgatory vanishes into a world that he was willing to learn how to become a part of.

As par, he was terrified. Of all the things he did and didn’t say; he’s going to have to own up to them. All the hearts he broke and the tears he caused.

 

Still, the world only served to coddle him until he was ready to face what he did. Jared and Connor came the next day, shy and too overtaken with emotions to properly greet him. Or greet him at all.

Connor made a b-line to his bed, his hands cupping Evan face, and already partially on him. Neither of them know when Connor had started crying, but Evan has nothing to say to comfort him so he pulls him into a tight embrace and lets Connor sob into his shoulder. The guilt is sour in his stomach. He could feel Connors ribcage shaking, his whole body heaving with relief. Every shudder on fracturing Evans heart further.

Jared stood at the foot of the bed, alienated and at a loss for words.

“I’m sorry.” None of them know when Evan had started crying, but it’s so evident in his voice that it’s hard to understand. “I’m so sorry.” He says again because he wants them to know. He needs Jared to know. But his voice is all squeaky and strangled by the onslaught of tears. “I ne-never meant- Jare-”

Jared, if only by the need to stop Evan from working himself up further, becomes more of himself. Connor doesn’t move from Evans lap and neither of them have the heart to tell him to give them room. Connor doesn’t complain when Jared sits on his lap and wraps his arms around all of them. He hushes Evan and rubs Connor back as he hiccups out the last of his fit.

“Shhh. Not now, Ev. We’re all here and that’s all that matters.” He says softly and Evan knows now isn’t the time to voice the fact that Jared has finally managed to master that perfect ‘everything-is-okay’ voice that Connor does so well.

So he closes his eyes, rests his chin on Connors head and his forehead against Jared. He lets himself cry, tangled up with them, and it’s freeing.

 

They stay past visiting hours, but in the end, they could only stay for so long. They all knew it had been coming. For once in a long time, Evan wants to return to the life he had. But just as easily as they brought the feeling of the world with them when they walked through the threshold, they take it away when they leave. They promise to be back sometime tomorrow. Evan already knows their schedules and that sometime will fall about 2 in the afternoon. They did everything at 2. It was after Connors creative writing class and he’d be itching to go somewhere. Be it the movies or the bowling alley or just driving around. They always seemed to get there at 2. The familiarity leaves wisps of the world in his hospital room.

 

Time moves slowly alone in a hospital rooms, the machines buzzing along with the seconds tick by, but none seem to make time move forward. He misses them before the door softly shuts behind tem. It feels like hours have passed in the tiny room and he was sure Jared and Connor haven't even made it to the first floor of the hospital yet. Still, somehow the room changes its orange and purple hues to the stagnate white of the lights as the sun went down and vanished.

He sleeps the best he can in a room that was neither hot or cold, but just alien. He manages to fall asleep once the world wakes up to catch up with the hospital that never sleeps. It’s easier to sleep when the tile is reflecting the natural light rather than the cold white light the light fixtures. He snacks off his food tray in between naps.

 

It was par his usual schedule for the following week. Naps and snacks and learning to put his feelings to words, for one of the therapists in the hospital, and for Connor and Jared. They leave him notes when they leave after visiting everyday after 2. The tiles show light like spring, visit with his boyfriends, snack, read over their notes until they are worn from being folded and refolded when he misses them, the tiles turn reflect orange like summer, and talk about his day and other days with his provided therapist, snack, nap, the tiles turn reflect purple like fall, he learns to seem human to the nurse, he chats with his mom and she makes things seem okay, the tiles reflect cold light like winter, and he is to rest.

The tiles reflect spring when his mom comes in with Jared and Connor in tow to help Evan pack his room which really was only a bag of clothes, but he isn’t bout to call them out on their excuse to be there when he gets out. 

“You like it?” Jared grins as they walk the parking lot. He walks up to a small blue ford fiesta. The sun shines brighter here than it did his room.

“Yeah, this is..?” Evan takes a moment to remember what became of Jareds car. Jared smiles wider as if trying to diminish the guilt Evan feels.

“I finally have a nicer car than Connor.” Jared elbows Connor and snorts at his own joke.

“You always had a nice car than Connor.” Evan joins in because it’s so easy to fall back into their rhythm. He can take his life back right where he left it.

“Okay, one, I have a truck, and two…” Connor trails off, but he doesnt have another argument. Connor doesn’t hide his smile all that well.

 

Evan expected that he would have trouble being in the real world after being within a building so closed off from it for a week. He expected the feeling of joking with his boyfriends to take a moment to come back to him, but it’s easy and freeing. It all is freeing, and it’s the feeling of being stuck in a room that wasn’t really his is what's hard to grasp. That reality nearly fades away the moment he was in the fresh air and he expected to be a different person, but he’s more himself than he has been in a while. There’s nothing to hide, or worry about. No part of him is waiting for the other shoe to drop, and the knowledge of bad days to come don’t scare him so much, but he has full confidence, not only in Jared and Connor, but in himself. He won’t always be free of himself, but for now he is, and he will be again, and again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> since I did not go through to the end of my planned plot these are the following things that happen   
> -they move into an apartment together, apratment B13 but Connor will only call it 13 13 and Jared will only call it BB, Evan tries to talk sense into them.-they befriend their neighbor who is a super nice elderly woman, they carry her groceries up and she bakes them cookies.She sort of becomes their adopted grandmother - she introduces Connor to acrylics for his birthday and now she takes him every year- they can't legally all get married so they write all their names on the lease when it's renewed, and lets be honest, thats way more binding- Connor and Jared continue to drive out into the woods when Jared can't sleep until they came back to Evan on the couch, they leave him notes before they leave from then on- Connors parents give him on of their summer homes as a crazy congratulations when he gets the job as an editor and finishes his first book (they where planning on willing it to him anyways, but it was a good excuse to give it to him then) - Evan specializes in care of burned trees- Connor and Jared call him a tree doctor- Jared stays at the property trying to grow a garden, but it better with the chickens- its a nice house with a pretty good property and a long driveway- Evan likes to open the gate at the front of the driveway and sit on top of the truck so he can touch the trees as Connor drives down the driveway.- their elderly neighbor moves in with them because she's getting too old to care for herself- she eventually dies and Evan takes it the hardest since he used to have coffee with her when Connor and Jared went for drives in the early morning- a cat shows up on their porch the day and they name it after her

**Author's Note:**

> (P.S Comments are my kink, thnks)


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